I think one of the hardest things for any parent to admit to themselves is that there may be something wrong with one of their children. Admitting that you may have failed, in some small way, at recognising the signs or that you may have got it wrong, for so many years, is always a little difficult, well it has been for me.
My oldest son is 23 years old and I’ve battled for at least 10 of those last years to understand him and why he does some of the things he does. Our family life has been an ongoing battle for most of those years as we’ve navigated the seemingly bad behaviour through the teenage years and then through early adulthood with some on-going patterns of concerning behaviour.
I’ve struggled for many years to maintain the peace between my son and his step-father. I’ve heard the ‘he’s lazy, he doesn’t care, and he needs to do…’ scenarios for too many years. These are then coupled with the contrasting ‘why won’t he get off my back, I didn’t mean to, I don’t know why….’ responses. Being the meat in the sandwich is a common feeling for me.
Recently an on-line friend wrote about the dramas in her family, with her husband being diagnosed with a medical condition earlier this year. I read his initial words describing his last few years with interest, curiosity and then something akin to terror. His words triggered a light in my head. Okay, if I’m honest, the light has been shining dimly for roughly a year but I chose to ignore it, I wanted to wish it away, pretend I hadn’t considered it.
Too many of the experiences and explanations that I’ve now read have made the puzzle pieces of my eldest son’s life fit together in a more understandable way. I’m no doctor; I have no formal diagnosis to base my feelings on – so I may be jumping way ahead of myself and I’m also very aware of the dangers of self-diagnosis and online advice.
I do know that now it makes me view my son and his behaviour in a different light, it’s also helped me, because while it doesn’t excuse the behaviour it at least helps me to understand there may be another reason for it. As a result, I’m not getting so angry and frustrated with him.
My on-line friend’s husband has provided an insight into the inner workings of what my son might be going through and has provided some ideas on how to approach this, how to talk to him and has also helped reassure me that my son really is okay. Mums worry a lot, or I do at least.
His insights have reassured me that my son has developed coping mechanisms and that my worries are only because I’m considering what’s not normal in my eyes, not what is ‘normal’ for my son and has been for years.
We have a long way to go, acceptance and perhaps medical assistance down the track if it’s required are the next steps, but it’s all slowly does it for now. Thinks are okay for the moment and my eyes are now wide open.
The urge to do battle and fight to protect your child from the ‘big bad world’ doesn’t diminish as they get older. Strong advice is that, apparently, the more normal and calmly that I approach this, the less threatening it’s likely to be, because in his eyes there is no problem ‘it’s normal’.
Have you tried to ignore the ‘mummy’ instinct which indicates things may not be totally right and what’s been the best advice you’ve received?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Inspiration to Dream of Adelaide, South Australia. Fiona is the writer of Inspiration to Dream and can be found writing or reading in every spare moment that isn’t filled up with work her three boys, her baby grandson and, of course, with a bit of spare time thrown in for hubby as well.
The image is courtesy of Dynamite Imagery and meets the terms and conditions of use of the Free Digital Photos website
I think sometimes moms “know” and all too often we get talked out of the gut instinct by “experts” and friends – in an effort to reassure us that everything is fine, fine, fine, we end up neglecting that primal bit of instinct that stays attuned to our children long after they leave our bodies and even our homes.
Deborah – I think that’s got to be out greatest lesson, as well-meaning as others are, we should never be talked out of what we feel in our gut. The experts were the worst for me.
I had almost the opposite situation with our eldest son, where I was the only one who could see he had problems. Even my husband couldn’t see what was going on for him. It is hard to face that things aren’t ideal. Brave post, Fi. Brave times.
Thanks Karyn, I don’t feel too brave – terrified more likely
Dear Fiona, believe me, you’re not alone! When my (first born) son was 11 months old he had to be hospitalized due to dehydration caused by rotavirus. I thank God every day that my Aunt came to visit that day and insisted that we take our son to the ER, because we were in total denial as to how serious his condition truly was! Had we kept ignoring what was so obvious to someone else looking at our son, he might actually have died!
The best advice I can give all moms is to LISTEN to that niggling “inner voice”. Trust that you DO know best when it comes to your kids. Conversely, ignoring it won’t make it better or make it go away!! Good luck with the next stage of your journey!
I too went through something similar to your experience with my second son. He actually had something called pyloric stenosis which required surgery. I was considered a ‘worried mother’ until he projectile vomited on the doctors shoes. Pay back is fun sometimes
My greatest lesson, a mother knows!
I hear you! My son had to undergo a barium meal when he was only 3 weeks old because they suspected he had pyloric stenosis too (he didn’t )! He projectile vomited most of his meals until he was 2 years old … that’s why when he had the rotavirus we didn’t immediately realize how serious it was! Luckily he outgrew whatever ailed him as a kid and is now a perfectly healthy 19 year old! 🙂
Hi Fiona,
I think us moms always know. Perhaps it is even as early as having our little ones in our wombs, but we know them. I think society plays a role in moms second guessing themselves, which doesn’t make it easier for us in the long run.
I am glad that you are at a point where you are moving forward, and listening to your heart. Acceptance and love is a great way to start this journey. Good luck and love to your family.
Acceptance and love – yeah I like that. Thank you
In paediatrics we are taught, “The mother’s instinct is usually right.” If Mom feels something is the matter, the doctor owes her at the very least a work-up. Best of luck with the road ahead.
Mothers make the world go round – right? It stands to reason that we know our kids. It’s a pity though that society tries to tell us we’re wrong or makes us second guess ourselves. The road ahead is a little unknown, but thanks
Fi,
I’ve had that come about with an adult recently. I understand them better now because I see now that they have something different going on. It has made all the difference. 🙂 I think it’s all part of learning to understand the world better.
Be brave! All the best of luck, Fi! Thank you for writing this.
Jen 🙂
Jen – how much does understanding change how we look at things? 🙂 A huge amount I think. Thank you and yes I’m trying to be brave.