This topic may be taboo in some cultures, but I’m part French, and nothing is more important to the French then l’amour (although food and wine are very close contenders)!
I recently read an article somewhere that said many moms polled were having sex (I should say moms who are married or in a committed relationship) about 4 times a year… and they were ok with that, as were their partners. Once a quarter? Really!? I know we are all exhausted by the time we get to bed, but isn’t it important for your and your partner’s happiness? Isn’t it important for the health and well-being of your relationship with your significant other to be intimate?
When I first had my son 5 and half years ago, I had no interest in sex. I was tending to a newborn, probably fighting off some minor PPD, still fat, nursing, healing from a c-section…. all of these reasons aside, I felt guilty for not wanting it. I felt like I was letting my husband down, which he assured me was not the case. I felt even more depressed, and couldn’t explain why. We were in that category of about once a quarter.
Once I started to wean my son and went back to the gym, I started feeling my libido return. I started to feel like myself again. I started to be interested in sex again. Fast forward 3 1/2 years later, when I had my daughter. The “don’t touch me” hormones were back in full force. This caused me to doubt myself, and get depressed again. I had completely forgotten that I went through this after having had my son.
One day when I was talking to my husband, I broke down and was crying about it. My body wasn’t interested, but my brain was…I was confused. I wanted to be a good mother and wife, and I felt like I was letting him down, along with our relationship. Again he assured me that was not the case, and reminded me that I went through this after the birth of our son.
He was right: I had! After putting 1 + 1 together (it took me a long time to get to 2, by the way), I realized that my libido was being affected by my hormones (DUH – right?! Sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake). Since my hormones changed after giving birth (I was nursing full time after all), my body was too busy producing nourishment for our little ones, to think of itself.
My aunt told me that she stopped nursing very quickly, because her husband (my uncle) did not find breastfeeding sexy. Intimacy was so important to her that she chose pleasing her husband (this was also a very different time 50 years ago). After all, her child could be nourished from a bottle, her husband could not. I found that quite interesting, and quite comforting to know that I was not the only one who felt I had to choose between my child and my husband. What I was going through was normal!
I have almost fully weaned the baby (she only nurses once a day, first thing in the morning… and sometimes not even at all) and have started to get back to the gym. I’ve completely changed my hair (I chopped off 12.5 inches to donate to Locks of Love) and I feel better about it. I still don’t feel sexy yet (I’m fatter than I ever was after all), but mentally and emotionally I have been feeling more like myself again. It’s time for me to pay a little more attention to me and the rest will fall back into place, as it should.
I guess there’s a reason for the stereotype of “the best way to ruin your sex life is to get married”. Only, I think they got it wrong. It’s not “get married”, it’s “have kids”
How has having children effected your intimate relations? Did you overcome it? If so, how?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Maman Aya of New York City, USA.
Photo credit to Remy Snippe. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Maman Aya, I agree with your rewording of the adage. Kids are definitely intimacy inhibitors. If you’re not fighting with a diminished libido from having kids, than your fighting with timing intimacy right so you’re not interrupted BY the kids. My youngest is 3 and I’m still not the same sexual adult I was prekids but better than post-natal. You make a great point that part of initimacy (especially for women) is also the mental hurdle of feeling good about yourself and feeling attractive. Working out (even if just yoga or taking more walks, anything to help increase endorphines and decrease at least some of the baby fat) is really important too. Thanks for the important reminders!
I’m afraid that I’ll never be the same as per children, but starting a workout routine again has helped get past one of the mental hurdles of not liking my post-children body. It also, naturally, gives you more energy, so once you do finally find a few lone moments you actually have the energy as well! Thanks for stopping by!
What an honest post! Thanks for sharing your experience on such a taboo subject. Even in the USA, where sex is spoken about (almost every mom I know is reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”), not many people talk about there own sex lives.
I can remember when I was pregnant with our second child, I was out to dinner with my mom’s group and almost everyone at the table was pregnant. Someone mentioned that their sex drive increased during that time. Many moms at the table agreed. Fast forward two and half years, no one is talking about sex. And probably because, like you stated, it is only happening 4 times a year.
I recently finished reading “Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman. This is where I learned how important l’amour is to the French. It struck a cord with me when the author describes doctors asking her if monsieur was “happy”. I had wondered that question in my mind about my own husband and decided to do something about it 😉
You know, I only just learned about Fifty Shades of Grey from this past Saturday’s Sidebar question (it sounds like it might be a worthy investment 😉 ). I have found that my friends and I were much more open about talking about our love lives while still in school than we are today (and it’s the same group of friends!).
Good for you for thinking of your husband…and doing something about it. Maybe we would have a lower divorce rate if more of us did (myself included).
Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for raising this. The interesting thing for me is when husbands do not feel secure in themselves to ‘allow’ the baby and mother relationship to be the most important for a while. It is a short time (although it does feel forever) – I wonder what that says about the men of the world. Those who can put sex aside in the best interests of their wives and babies, and those who can’t.
That is a very good point Karyn. There are many partners that may feel “jealous” of the baby mother relationship, and so are not accepting and supportive of certain aspects (especially when a new mother needs it most). I guess the “lucky” mamas are the ones who’s partners stand by them, no matter what!
Since I had recently read about having sex once a week and felt like a total failure – I am so printing this out for my husband! I can show we are a little above the average 😉
Good for you! Enjoy it while you can :-).
Thanks for stopping by!
I feel you, I really do. The 1st 6 months after I gave birth was really tough because although I really wanted to please the hubby, my you-know-what was dry and it really hurts! It’s like having a knife stab into your lady-parts. And I breastfed for 18 months. Thankfully the hubby was understanding and it got better over time =)
You are lucky to have an understanding husband (as Karyn pointed out). Hopefully you have only enjoyful experiences.
Thanks for stopping by!
I guess I’m really lucky cos my hubby tells me every day that he not only loves me but still finds me desirable despite us having been married for 21 years and me now weighing more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant!! He is also a very good, generous lover (if u know what I mean)! 😉
I totally agree that, for most women, their brain plays a much bigger role when it comes to libido than anything else! I, literally, have to “think myself” into the right frame of mind! We also had to make some “logistical” adjustments. I live with a condition called Fibromyalgia which means that (most days) I feel as if I’ve been run over by a truck! I’ve found that weekend “afternoon nap time” is the best time for us to get “grown-up alone time”! It works best for me cos I used to be too exhausted and sore by the time I got to bed at night!
Since we’re being candid, I’ll also share something which nobody else knows. Sometimes, if more than a week passes between “naps”, my easygoing hubby starts acting like a bear with a sore head! I might not be feeling up to taking a “nap” with him, but I know that the only way to improve his mood is to help him “nap” by himself! 😉 He always complains that he enjoys it way more when we “nap” together …. but his mood improves considerably!! 🙂
Simons – you are a lucky woman indeed! I suspect it must be easier to find time and energy when the kids are older and understand the concept of privacy – LOL. It’s great that you have found a way to make it work despite the discomforts of Fibromyalgia, and have not let it ruin your life.
Thanks for stopping by!
Surely our children and their future are miles more important than a man’s or a woman’s instant gratification. And sometimes the best things are worth waiting for!
Yes, having kids has definitely changed things when it comes to sex!
In the meantime, I think it’s important to create time and dates to make sure you can fit amorous encounters in, if they’re not happening on their own.
But, you are both equals in the relationship, and it’s important to find a time when it works for both of you. Make sure you have the nourishment you need — sleep, rest, food, etc. to want to join in the fun again! If you don’t, speak up and let your husband/partner know what you need! This should be a very equal playing field!!!
Jen 🙂
I could not agree more Jen. When caring for the kids, it’s important to remember that they’re not the only ones who need to be well fed and rested. The adults need it too. That will lead to happier, healthier parents and sexual relations.
Thanks for stopping by!
I shared your post with my book club this week. We met to discuss “50 Shades of Grey”, which is being read by everyone I know and then some. It seems sex is on everyone’s minds, even if they can’t have it as often as they like while balancing family responsibilities. It was good for everyone to be able to openly talk about it and know that everyone has these ups and downs. So kudos to you to get people thinking with your own post.
Funny enough Tara, I only heard about the book recently from Mama Mzungu’s response to what books she has on her nightstand…. I am now intrigued 🙂
Thanks for sharing the post… to be honest I wasn’t sure how it would be taken by the greater community and am glad that it helped spawn some conversations.
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