In our house we eat simply: mostly fresh fruit and veges, some dairy, nuts most days, pasture raised meat and a few grains. The boys drink water or milk and rarely sodas or fruit-juice. We don’t tend to have packet foods, but I bake a few muffins and we have ice-cream and chocolate as treat-foods. The children who visit us mostly come from homes who eat in a similar way, so food for our guests hasn’t ever been a problem.
The few children who have come and are used to trash food have the simple option of eating or not. I never make a big deal out of it and they never go hungry.
A few weeks ago, I was presented with a different issue. A child visited who is allergic to nuts. No, the problem wasn’t excluding nuts for the day, the issue was that his parents are vegans and have raised him, from conception, as a vegan. He was very pale to look at and he didn’t have half the energy I had come to expect for a child his age. I am all for healthy eating, but this seemed an extreme diet for a growing child. So, I telephoned his mother, and she confirmed the diet she would prefer him to eat. Still concerned, I then called another mother who has also had him to play and she suggested I just feed him what ever protein I could. “We have to do something for that child,” she said, “It’s only the nuts he’s allergic to, the rest is just choice and it’s making him ill.”
I also spoke with my husband who said, “Stay out of it. Those decisions are for his parents to make and nothing to do with us.”
I know I would step in if I was aware of sexual or physical abuse toward a child. I have suggested to a breast-feeding mother that the amount of cola she drank contributed to her baby’s inability to sleep. I fuel a few on-line discussions about issues like bed-sharing, electronics and cry-it-out, and I am fairly blunt in some of my blog posts – yet on a day-to-day basis I tend to keep most of my thoughts and opinions in my head. I do believe people come to realisations when they are ready.
Which is why I fed the child as his mother wished.
But this still bugs me. Here is a child who, to me, seems malnourished. A child who lives in New Zealand where food is generally healthy and plentiful. He is allergic to nuts, but is not permitted to eat many other foods – just because of the choices his parents make for him.
So I have to ask you, would you have fed him how his mother wished?
When do we stay out of another family’s parenting decisions and when do we step in?
Karyn Van Der Zwet also writes for her own blog http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com and you can follow her on twitter @kloppenmum, and facebook – Karyn at Kloppenmum. Her first book, Why People Drive You Crazy – Part One, A Fresh Look at Temperament, will be available via amazon.com mid-June.
Photo credit to the author.
Hi Karyn,
Great post! I have been meaning to comment on several of your posts at kloppenmum so will do that soon too.
I would have done what you did but I totally understand your internal conflict. I feel like this in quite a few parenting scenarios. And sometimes biting my tongue makes me feel like I’m doing wrong by the child. The other side of it for me is that a lot of the time I feel angry or annoyed by what’s happening so I have to deal with my own feeling before I could say something anyway as I don’t want to just dump my opinion and reaction on the other parent. Perhaps by building more of a relationship with the vegan child’s parents you might find the right time and place to talk to them more about it. There also may be other stuff going on for that child as in his food history. Maybe there are some other reasons they are all vegan?!?
Hi! Yes, this is a real dilemma for me. As you say, on one side is the parents’ right to raise their child as they please, on the other the child appears unhealthy. I like your idea of building the relationship with the parents further: at the moment I can’t see that they’d change their ideas unless the child becomes very ill and a doctor says something to them. Maybe I don’t know the whole story, and that is one of the reasons I fed this boy as his mother wished. I look forward to hearing from you over at kloppenmum too! 🙂
This is a biggie and I’m not sure how I would have dealt with this one. I’m quite vocal and I have strong opinions but I also appreciate a parents right to parent their child.
I like to believe in the good in people and wonder if the mother is even aware of what she is doing to her child or that her child might not have the energy levels of other children, it’s hard if you have nothing to guage it by.
Sometimes I think parents in trying to do the right thing for their child can actually be harming them more and may in fact be mortified if they realised.
I guess I would have fed the child what the mother wanted, but I also would have initiated a conversation with the mother at some stage. What a great post and maybe at least a reminder to all of us to really ‘look’ at our children and see what our beliefs are really doing to them.
Thanks Fi. Yes, you’ve said pretty much what I think. I doubt they do realise the full impact of the decisions they’ve made for their child, but they are very caught up in being ‘good’ parents and truly think they’re doing the right thing – and let’s face it, they could well be doing so, and I could be doing the wrong thing feeding our kids meat and other animal products. I hope there is a moment when I can raise this with the mother, just now I think she’d see it as a personal insult – which makes it a bit tricky…
I would have done as you did – and it would have bothered me just as much! Gosh, this is really a major dilemma … on the one hand we need to respect a parent’s right to raise their child as they see fit, on the other this child is potentially malnurished. 🙁
That said, it’s not like the 18 month old I used to babysit who would be dropped off at my house barefoot and lightly dressed in the middle of winter, who had the worst nappy rash I’d ever seen and whose packed lunch I wouldn’t feed to my dogs! In a clear case of neglect, it’s easy to voice your concerns and involve Social Workers!
Can enforcing a strictly vegan lifestyle even be considered “child endangerement” or “neglect”? I actually know of a young couple who only fed their toddler oatmeal and he ended up with scurvy! Can you believe it, in this day and age? They love their kid and had no idea they were harming him! Do we know if a vegan lifestyle is truly detrimental to a growing child’s health? I’m sure his parents think they’re doing the best they can for him.
Many people would argue that we wouldn’t interfere if the child’s parents insisted that the child only eat frozen dinners and / or junk food (or would we)?
Thank you for this post – I’m looking forward to reading the other comments too, cos I honestly don’t know enough about the vegan diet to be able to say for sure if it’s really detrimental to a growing child or not.
I don’t think I know enough about veganism either; is this neglect, perhaps…is it up to me to decide, probably not…but I keep coming back to this child’s health – am I going to be taking my son to an early funeral? That would make me feel really ill. The problem is, I think, we cannot yet decide (as humanity as a whole) what great parenting looks like and where social responsibility and personal responisbility begin and end. Yikes, this is bigger than I realised! 🙂
I totally agree, Karyn … this truly is an “epic” (as my daughter would say) dilemma! As things stand now all we can do is pray that this little one will make it to an age where he can make his own (hopefully healthier) dietary decisions!
Wow, that’s a tough question. I raise my kids without video games and trash food and violent movies. And I know that when they’ve gone to the homes of friends and relatives, have been deliberately exposed to what I’d prefer they not be since those same friends and relatives tell me with glee that my kids got some “real” food or “real” fun. Rather than get upset (okay, I used to get upset) I assume that eating the food and participating in the recreation is one of the benefits of experiencing how other people live. And when my kids are back home their experiences have sparked some great conversations.
But I have to say that, to me, this is a Golden Rule situation. I try to do unto others as I’d like them to do to me. And I’m not fond of other parents presuming they know the best for my child. So I’d adhere to the parent’s dietary restrictions. I might open my mouth and say something about individual differences, how one person can thrive on a vegan diet and another can be seriously nutrient-deprived. If this were a different situation with extreme nutritional danger to the child, I’d go farther. I once ran into a woman who was buying soy milk (not formula) for an infant, and I stood at the counter of the health food store practically gripping her arm trying to explain that it didn’t have the full range of nutrients that breastmilk or formula provided, endangering her baby’s brain. She had a misguided idea that it was fine because it was organic. I don’t know if I convinced her but she said she’d ask her baby’s doctor. I worried about that baby for weeks. If there’d been formula in that store I would have bought it for her.
For me, too, it’s the lack of information, which is an issue here: do I know enough about veganism or this family’s situation; do they understand the full impact of their decisions…it *is* tricky. When should I open my mouth and when should I keep it firmly shut? Oh dear. Thank goodness I’m not running the world!! 🙂
Though it might be assuming a lot, I would guess this boy has a pediatrician who works with the mom in determining healthy vegan meal options and so I don’t see how your opinion should trump that.
If I sent my child to a friend’s house with specific instructions on what he could or could not eat – whatever the reasons – I would expect those wishes to be carried out. If they could not be, then I would gladly send my child with his own food from my own kitchen so his diet would not be a burden on the host family. I would not appreciate it if that host family ignored my wishes and fed my child in a way they deemed more appropriate. Nor would I allow my child to visit that house again if they did so. Ignoring the wishes of the parents because you feel they are inappropriate is the height of arrogance. And I would guess that if your child visited a friend’s house and the friend’s mom fed your child a bag of chips or other packaged treats because she felt your child was unhappy for never enjoying those options, you would be angry and insulted. Respect goes both ways. Beyond that, you have no idea what possible medical conditions the child might have – beyond allergies to nuts – or how your food choices might affect him.
It does seem arrogant to assume I know better, and perhaps I don’t know the whole story, which is why I did feed the child as his mother wished. But what if I am right and this diet is hurting this child?
We rarely use pediatricians here in NZ, with general practictioners being visited only when children are ill. We have a lot of nursing support instead, and they generally give parents lee way to parent as they chose, even with diet.
I actually am not bothered if our boys eat a bit of trash at other people’s homes because they understand the concept of treats, and like Laura, we’ve had some great conversations with the boys after they’ve returned home.
Thanks for your comment, I can see you’re very passionate about the parents right to parent how they wish.
Thanks for sharing. I have come across a similar situation in my life, I will spare the details. The fact is, that if he is malnourished, as you say, I would have given that baby whatever he wanted (besides the nuts, of course). I am sorry. I think I would also have called child services (not sure of the equivilant in New Zeland, I live in the US). There are certain times where stepping over certain boundries can mean saving a child’s life, especially when that child has no control or say in the matter. I have recently become very passionate about eating healthy and organicly. However, I would not deny my 16 m old daughter basic nutrition. Just a my feelings.
I can see your point of view, Paige, and I agree, on one hand, but on the other, I might not know the whole story – which is why I am so torn. Saving the child is paramount of course…sigh, I still don’t know which way I’d jump.
I could see how it could make one torn
Zealand * Sorry
🙂
It’s a tough thing to see, but perhaps knowing that vegans face lots of discrimination might make you feel better about keeping this between families, and not think about going to the authorities. Building a relationship is the first step, I think.
I’m wondering if the parents grew up vegan themselves, or took it on as a political choice. If the latter, they may not understand all that’s involved in eating healthy as a vegan. I was thinking that many people from India were vegan, but I’m reading online, and that does not seem to be the norm there. I’ve found a site that shows stories of healthy vegan children: http://veganhealth.org/articles/realveganchildren. I haven’t found anything that looks especially helpful.
I’m not vegan myself, and I might feel the same worry you do. (I like the Weston Price nutrition philosophy – traditional foods, natural fermentation, healthy meats, …) If that child were going to be in my life, I’d first want to get a sense from mom about whether his health was compromised by other issues. If not, I’d hope I could chat with the mom about yummy foods that might make a difference for him. It seems like its probably possible for him to eat healthy as a vegan. But maybe not. Jessica Prentice, who wrote Full Moon Feast, talks in the book about how she was never as healthy while she was a vegetarian. I think it depends on the person.
My son has lots of stomach aches. I don’t think he eats healthy enough. It’s not something that’s easy to change. I offer him lots of healthy food, and so does the person he spends his daytimes with 3 days a week. But he also has access to lots of sugar. (I don’t buy much, but that’s what he spends much of his allowance on.)
It’s not easy to change habits is it? And children are drawn to sugar – I can see your dilemma. I think the building relationships approach *is* probably the most useful one for all concerned here. I am fairly certain this is a philosophical choice for this family and they may not have looked at the biochemical reactions of the food (or lack thereof) they chose to eat. I really don’t know enough about veganism to jump in with both feet – maybe a toe could dip into the water though, and I could at least ask a few more questions…
Karyn, I see your dilemma. I would have fed the child as the mother wished, and I think it’s fair play to say that we can’t assume we have all the health information about the child.
But, here’s what else I’d do. I’d get to know the parents better. I’d honestly and privately talk about my concerns about their child’s energy and diet, as a friend. And, I’d hope they’d talk openly about my children if they notice something that I may not be noticing about them. Something may ring a bell.
I’d also find the time where I could to do some research about vegan diets and kids. When discussing with the parents, new information that you didn’t know may come out that leads to why the child is feeling sluggish. None of this is our business, but we’re mothers. That’s what we do. We care about the world’s children, right? You’ll be kicking yourself if the kid fell really ill and you had done nothing. I put myself in your shoes in this post and that’s what I came up with. Keep us posted!
Jen 🙂
You’re so right, Jen, I will kick myself if there is a major health issue with this child in the future. I am cautiously open to approaching the parents, they seem fairly passionate and entrenched in their views, from what I can see at the moment, so I don’t know how open they will be to even friendly information. This child is now 10 – perhaps the demand for change will come from him! And yes, I’ll keep you posted. 🙂
I agree with Jennifer here. I appreciate you sharing that you don’t know much about veganism, because, I have to honestly tell you, when I read your post, I was put off by referring to a child who follows a vegan diet as malnourished. Veganism can be an incredibly healthy, balanced way to go for some people, and may be the chosen diet for this family because there are underlying health concerns. The child could also be allergic to animal proteins, or — the list is endless.
I also recognize that at the heart of this is your concern for a child who does not appear to be healthy. If you do, on more than one occasion, notice that the child seems low on energy, pail, listless, etc. then sure, I would say it is fair and appropriate to share that with the parents.
My son had health problems as a child, and I had many people come and tell me what I was doing wrong before they knew the history. I was grateful for the people who simply shared their observations, without judgement. Their observations helped me to verify that what I was seeing in my son as well as was helpful as I sought out the right medical treatment.
To help you jump start your research on veganism, I am sharing my friends website with you. She is a celebrated advocate for veganism in the US. http://www.ourhenhouse.org/category/compassion-through-food/
Yours in the village of child rearing! Erin
I do think this child is malnourished, and while I appreciate that many vegans are not, I also don’t think the choices his mother is making for him are helping his health at all. I shall check out your friend’s site, thanks for including it.
I echo many of the comments here. I would feed the child as his parents wish, but if I was truly feeling unsettled, I would ask questions to learn about their diet. Not in a judgemental “What are you doing to him?!” way, but in a “wow…tell me about raising a vegan child…how do you meal plan?” (even if you do know alot about it…because you can always learn something new AND it’s a polite way to get info and offer feedack).
Like any method of eating, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a vegan diet in and of itself, if it’s well planned and implemented so the family is getting everything they need. It’s just alot of times, kids are super picky anyway. I know folks who follow restricted diets by choice but then struggle to feed their kids like the rest of us. With certain food groups removed, it doubles the challenge with picky eaters. Again, I believe it can be done, but at great effort by the parents. Hopefully these folks are making that effort.
I love the wording of ”’wow tell me how…” that’s such a great approach Tara. I think it must be difficult to feed a child when whole food groups are removed from the diet – I guess that’s what celiacs and dairy intolerant people face all the time too. Hopefully these parents are making the effort to include all the necessary nutrients in their diet – sadly, I expect not.
Ah, Karyn… seeing that is was a playdate, you did do the right thing. I would have done the same. My son has allergies and is sometimes ‘off’ dairy products, so when he has a playdate with a friend, I let the parent know that he can’t have cheese, but that I’ve packed him a different protein. I want to be thoughtful for my son. That mother could have packed an alternative protein if she felt strongly about it.
It’s difficult, sometimes, to see what people choose to feed (or not) their children. As a preschool teacher, when I gently ask a parent about some of their child’s rather unhealthy lunch items, I get a lot of “well, they’ll only eat”…. Here in the US, we have a rather sad childhood obesity problem, and I fear it’s only going to get worse. Much of it, I believe, is caused by too much available cheap junk food and way too permissive parenting.
What some parents don’t realize is that if they stopped serving the junk food, their child would eat regular fruits and veggies and whole foods. In our home we don’t force a bite of anything, but monitor what we serve. I’ve been a vegetarian for the last 12 years and I do not impose that diet on my son or husband, because it’s not appropriate for them. It’s a choice my son might make later, if he wishes, when he’s much older and wiser.
Okay, off my soapbox– I normally stay out of others parenting choices unless there’s actual danger present or abuse happening. There is a great intolerance here for any of the hallmarks of communal parenting (redirecting/guidance of another person’s child; commenting on food/health choices, etc.). I had a hard enough time asking my preschool families not to pack sweets in the lunchbox. It would seem a no-brainer, given that their children are in preschool and working hard at being in company with other children, but I really met with some resistance. We don’t ask our athletes to perform with a crappy diet, but this is what a lot of kids are fed regularly.
I love your soapbox Hazel!
It is interesting to me this whole obesity issue. Where our boys go to school, and where most parents seem to feed their children in a similar fashion to us, there are 3 obese children out of 400. And I can see you would have problems if sweets are being packed in lunchboxes, most schools here have a no sweets or fizzy rule – but they don’t ban crisps or other packet foods…This is my whole dilemma, where is the line of accepting another’s parenting choices and allowing the child to become ill, sad or angry because of those choices.
Well, I would have definitely fed the child as the mother instructed. For children who have been raised vegan or vegetarian, animal products can be difficult to digest and cause tummy troubles. The fact is, you don’t know why they are vegan or if the boy has an underlying health condition that causes low energy. The symptoms you observe may have nothing at all to do with diet.
I’m a vegan, was raised a vegetarian, and am raising my son as a vegan. (he is robust and fill of energy and in the 85th percentile for growth) It is a perfectly acceptable way to feed your children IF you are well-informed and educated about proper nutrition and the nutritional needs of growing children. (like any other dietary choices) Not all vegans are, and that is when issues can arise.
There is a lot of stigma surrounding a plant- based diet and much of it comes from ignorance about something that seems abnormal as well as false beliefs about protein needs. Mothers who raise their children this way are subject to a lot of judgement already so I think the best way to proceed would be to get to know the mother. Tell her that you don’t know much about veganism and ask her what she feeds her son so that you can know what to fee him when he comes over. This simple question can open the door to a conversation that will probably fill you in on all you need to know. If it becomes obvious that they are vegan but not nutrition savvy and need some help, you may then need to speak up. There are a ton of resources and cookbooks and guidelines for how to meet all of your nutritional needs through a plant-based diet.
It’s so good to hear from someone who is vegan, I was hoping this would be the case. I am sure it is possible to eat healthily with a no animal product restriction, but I do worry about this particular child. I like the idea of asking questions about their diet, such a sensible approach.
I’m a strong advocate for the “My House, My Rules” approach to child rearing. Just because a child can use potty-talk or wear shoes in his/her house does not make those things OK in our house. My first dilemma with this kid would have been how to feed him a vegan meal and not being the nutrition-minded purist that you are, I might not have equated his sickly appearance to his diet (assuming people who eat strictly organic or copious amounts of fruits and vegetables MUST be healthier than the rest of us). But I also am respectful of parents that have gone extra lengths to, say, ban TV watching, not allow gum chewing or some other specific rule. That said, I probably would have made the same meals I make for the rest of my family and allowed him either to eat what we was served or select something from the fridge or cupboard.
For some reason my response to you disappeared down below somewhere, Kyla. I’m such a techo fail!! 🙂
I agree with most of the comments here Karyn. I would have respected the family’s wishes by only feeding him a vegan meal, but would have made sure he had vegitable based proteins (beans, tofu, etc) as part of that meal. Similar to you, I feed my family organic, whole grains, plenty of fruit and vegs, etc, so making a Egan meal would not be too far off from our usual meals. I also have my own dietary restrictions, in that we don’t eat pork products, so I would hope that the host family would honor that for me.
As for what I would do re the child’s well being… I would try to talk to the parents and learn more about it as suggested, but I would also voice my concerns to the teacher. Usually the teacher knows of the underlying health issues and the family’s choices and can offer an answer which we might not have thought of, or might agree with your opinion which means that someone should talk to the child’s parents.
Good luck! 🙂
I like the idea of talking to the teacher, she has had both my son and this boy for almost four years so she knows the children and the parents really well. It wasn’t that it was hard for me to provide for this boy either, it was (is) the huge restrictions on a growing boy which I struggle with. I would certainly respect any dietry restrictions on religious grounds, which I assume the pork restriciton is for you – but I also assume you would eat other meats?
I remember, friends of friends who raised their child vegan and the pediatrician told them to cut it out and give the child protein. It didn’t have to be meat but protein and dairy as well. I know, it’s supposed to be the parents choice but when it clearly affects the child adversely they should be made to see reason.
This was my immediate reaction too. But I dither a bit because I know how seriously I take our decisions to parent our boys the way we do. I think it would take an illness and a doctor or two talking to these parents for them to change what they are doing, but as we only tend to see doctors when we are ill – I am very much afraid that is what it will take. And what if I am wrong? I am more confused than ever!!
Great post and great discussion! Here are my 2 cents: I took on a mostly raw food vegan during 3 years (the last year I was actually a fruitarian), when my son was 2 through 5 years old. It was one of the periods of my life when I felt the best in terms of physical, emotional and even spiritual health. That said, I never imposed it on my son, for two reasons: 1) my husband is a big time carnivore, so it would be inconsistent to require my son to follow my diet and 2) I think you really have to know what you are doing. I myself lost a lot of weight during those 3 years and often used an online nutrient calculator to make sure I was getting enough nourishment. I think it is NOT about the vegan diet itself, like Ms. V. said, but how you do it. For instance, a large amount of greens is extremely important. Also, I think prohibiting certain foods completely to a child can sometimes backfire. So at the time my son had all sorts of fruit, veggies, sun dried foods, sprouts and the like, but also the ocasional hamburguer if he wished, and anything his dad was eating if he wanted to (today he is mostly vegetarian by his own choice). I think, if given the appropriate environment and options, kids will naturally gravitate towards the foods they need, even if (also) to some junk.
On feeding or not the kid, it is such a delicate situation and perhaps it is not only related to his diet? I think I would have respected the parents’ decision, because I myself have gone through a similar situation with my own children, as I try to avoid sugar and salt during their first years, and relatives think I am depriving them of the fun stuff (like Laura said).
I also have the opposite situation here. There is a kid in the neighborhood who basically eats only spaghetti and sausages and mashed bananas. When he comes over here I confess I try to talk about the advantages of the foods we are eating (although more often I just send him home to eat). But in this case I know his mother wants him to eat better.
Spaghetti, sausages and bananas…oh my… Yes, it is delicate, this parenting business, isn’t it? We avoided salt and sugar with our young babies too and are still probably more cautious than many people, but I felt this was a little extreme. I don’t know if this boy is eating a lot of greens but I suspect not – but then that’s another whole ball-game isn’t it? We fed him the way his mother requested and all I can do is hope I haven’t contributed in my small way to making him seriously ill. Spag. Sausies and bananas…still can’t get my head around that one…LOL
I am with you on the potty talk and shoes inside thing, Kyla, also with respecting parents who have made an effort not to have tv etc…hmmm that would be me… In the end I made him and my son the same meal and that at least made him feel he wasn’t odd. I was a little taken aback at your suggestion I am a nutrition purist, as most people we know feed their families the same way. Perhaps I am reading too much into the nurtitional side of things… I just don’t know what to think!!
lots of great comments here – I’m struck by the parallels I see here to a blog I sometimes read that’s written by a yoga instructor who lives in Boston – she has lots of yoga studios, writes a blog, and offers “lifestyle” advice in a Boston paper, so she’s more than “just” a yoga teacher. Anyway – she’s written for years about the advantages of a raw food diet, primarily vegan – and fed that diet to her five kids…until about eight months ago, when she saw her youngest kids, twins, playing next to some non-raw food eating kids hte same age. The non-raw food, non-vegan kids were livelier, more advanced physically and verbally, and bigger. And bam! she changed her entire diet. She realized that the diet she’d been feeding her kids (and telling everyone it was fine) was NOT, in fact, adequate to the needs of growing bodies. But she had to come to that realization herself…is there any way you can get the parents of this kid to see their kid in comparison to other kids? (MIght be an instance where peer pressure works for good rather than the other way… : )
Yes! That was the shock I had too. I have seen this boy about for a few years now as he’s in my son’s class but I hadn’t realised how different his development and strength was until I saw him trying to muck around with our extremely robust and energetic boys and he couldn’t even begin to keep up. I agree, I think these parents will only change things when they see it for themselves. Sigh.
What a tough situation. I know that there have been cases in the past of parents being chastised by social services for malfeeding their children. I think I would have followed the parents’ wishes but seriously considered a discrete phone call to social services.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4282257.stm
I am currently thinking I’ll speak to the boys’ (their boy and mine have the same one) as she is very wise and also has a really good feel for the families she deals with. I am definitely watching though.
I’ve seen two really pale kids like this with no color in their lips either and low energy, and I didn’t ask about it. One was a vegan family and one was not. Both times I felt like asking if everything was OK. One I knew was extremely set in their vegan diet, and the other I knew went to the doctor regularly and I was afraid she would take my question as criticism. I wondered if the child who lived with a family who ate everything was just refusing to each the foods he needed to be healthy.
My youngest was anemic when he was 9 months old. My Grandma mentioned to me that he looked really pale. I hadn’t noticed anything unusual, but after she said it I noticed his cheeks only got pink outdoors and not other times. In the professional photos we took that trip, he looked like a ghost. I was so glad she said something! He WAS anemic and being premature didn’t help his iron levels. Both my boys nursed and didn’t want anything else at those ages, so he wasn’t getting the fortified cereals and such. He was late to crawl and walk and I think this is why. It took a few months to correct the anemia with vitamins and fortified foods. I should have said something like this to those two parents, relating how I just didn’t know either.
Another friend told me about her efforts to remedy anemia and food allergies. Her son looks fine now but she told me of how he looked as an infant/toddler. I wonder if people thought twice about asking us?
I would do as you did and not feed them something the parents don’t want them to have. I would hope a doctor would notice, but I think they also go to alternative doctors who agree with their lifestyle and they homeschool too. I have a friend who asked about the vegan child I mentioned above, and the mom stopped coming over to play. 🙁 All we can do is hope the parent figures out that it is related to diet. I do believe these parents doing what they think is best, and not intentionally hurting their child.
I know another vegan who eats dairy and eggs while she is pregnant and feeds her kids those foods, but doesn’t eat them herself at other times. No animals products including medicines like progesterone which is a hormone that only comes from animal, not plant sources.
I don’t know the answer. Parental rights are a big deal in America. Relating a story such as mine might be the only way to bring it up?
I agree Cori, I don’t think these parents are intentionally harming their son – they just seem caught up in their philosophical agenda and are not noticing that reality doesn’t match the theory. There is so much of that about in parenting circles – not just about diet, about everything – how to break these cycles, whether to break these cycles, is it any of my business – oh dear…
When other people’s kids come to my house, I always, always respect dietary restrictions. If you gave this kid proteins that he’s not used to, it could cause adverse reactions to an acquired intolerance, and then you’d be dealing with a whole other set of problems. I agree with the suggestions above to open a dialogue about this with the boy’s mother under the guise of wanting to learn more.
I once worked with a woman who strictly enforced vegetarianism on her children. As soon as they were old enough, they rebelled and started going nuts on fast food, much to their mother’s dismay. This is a situation that could backfire in a similar way.
Kirsten
I think this child will rebel, Kirsten. Big time. Thanks for chiming in. Good to hear from you. 🙂
Here’s a comment another Mum from the class left on my facebook page:
All well and good parents making choices for their kids. But if this is the child I think it is, Dad lets him eat what Mum doesn’t i.e they not vegan when they visit my house! That approach is inconsistent and unfair on the child too. Not just the diet.
WOW!! What a dilemma. I am just like you – what the best for people at all times. I really dislike when I see parents feed the wrong stuff to children, but even worse is it when they feed them wrong stuff but believes it is correct! No human should live without protein and amino acids.. we actually need lots of if, and three times a day (according to my view) so this is sad, really sad. I hope his parents would come to a different decision very soon. But in the end of the day… if he visit you again, maybe I would give him something than fruit and veggies…
Yes, I agree with you about our protein needs. I try to include a little with every snack and meal – not just one lump at night. Many of our amino acids are formed from our daily intake. This child is a dilemma, truly – apparently his father doesn’t feed him a vegan diet when he is at his house – so that seems to count out any true dietry issues. I’ll keep you posted! Thanks for adding another voice to the discussion. It’s been a good one. 🙂
Hopefully this poor boy will get some protein. I believe in starting the day with protein since the amino acids are so important and will keep us going throughout the day – just like you are saying. A little with every meal, not just at night… since that might actually slow up your metabolism, some actually have a hard time absorbing protein so if that is the case eating it early is better… bless you for caring.