In the last few years, I’ve had several friendships end. Some of them have been due to difference of opinion about my separation and divorce, and others have just been a gradual drifting apart. Memories of them might cause me to feel a sharp sting, or even bring tears to my eyes. I had never cried over the loss of a friendship with a woman until last May.
I had been friends with Joy for 8 years, seeing her through her divorce, taking her kids for weekends at a time while she went away for sanity time, or on modeling jobs to help support her kids. We were like sisters. We were always at each other’s houses, helping each other, secure in the fact that we had each other’s back any time, anywhere.
When Joy* introduced me to a new guy she had been seeing a new guy, I realized that they’d been together for much longer than I had thought. I wondered immediately why she’d waited so long for us to meet. Within a few short weeks, he was forcing her to cancel plans with me, and would take her phone from her after she got home from work. She couldn’t check it or let me know she had broken our plans when that happened. Joy had never treated me that way before; I didn’t understand it, and was hurt by her lack of respect.
Our last involvement as friends was when she was trying to play cupid with me and a guy that lived in her apartment complex. I kept not hearing from him, and began to wonder if she’d made the whole thing up; something seemed fishy. Her boyfriend heard that I wondered about the truth behind her match-making, and took it upon himself to write me a series of texts to “break up with me” for her. He told me I had too much drama in my life for them, that I was hurting Joy’s feelings, and that I was not to contact her ever again.
I knew in that moment that he was a dangerous, controlling, emotionally abusive man. I didn’t want to associate with him anymore. I didn’t put up a fight about not contacting Joy again, because I wasn’t going to invite another lecture from her boyfriend. I made the decision that I wouldn’t speak to her unless she came to see me in person. I wanted her to apologize for his actions, and I didn’t want her in my life unless he was no longer a part of hers.
Last year came and went. I had my custody trial, moved out of my ex’s house, and she married her boyfriend. My 9-year-old daughter still has sleepovers with her 8-year-old. On the occasion that Joy fights with her husband, she calls my ex and he keeps her daughter, or will facilitate a discussion between her and her husband. She’s been married less than a year, and already it seems that my intuition about him has proven to be correct.
Things are going very poorly with Joy and her husband, and I’m afraid for her. My kids have called me to tell me when she’s come over to get away from him, or that she’s asking about me. But she made a choice, and shut me out of her life. It hurts me very much that she’s in this situation, but it’ll take an incredible amount of discussion, as well as her separation and divorce from him (or his rehabilitation in therapy) for me to allow her back into my life. He is toxic, and she allowed him to end our 8 year friendship for her. There are few people I have trouble forgiving for their actions, and she’s one of them.
Have you ever had a friendship come to a dramatic end? How did you cope with it, and do you still miss the friendship?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our recently-divorced, highly-resourceful, single mom of four, Frelle, in North Carolina.
The image used in this post is credited to Spaceodissey. It has a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of individual involved.
Frelle (USA)
Jenna grew up in the midwestern US, active in music and her church community from a young age. She developed a love of all things literary thanks to her mom, and a love of all things science fiction thanks to her dad. She left the midwest in her early twenties and has lived in the south ever since.
On her blog, she tries to write words that make a difference to people. Long before she attended college to major in Special Ed and Psychology, she became an advocate for special needs and invisible disabilities. She's always been perceptive of and encouraging to those who struggle to fit in. Having been through several dark seasons in her own life, she's found empowerment in being transparent and vulnerable about her emotions, making deep and lasting friendships, and finding courage to write from her heart. Her biggest wish is to raise her kids to be compassionate people who love well.
She's been online since 1993, with a total of 19 years of social media exposure. Having friends she doesn't know in real life has been normal for her since her junior year in college, and she's grateful every day for the ways technology helps her stay in touch with friends from all over the world.
Jenna lives in a suburb of Raleigh, North Carolina, and is a freelance writer and a stay at home single mom to 3 girls and a boy. She blogs at MadeMoreBeautiful.comMadeMoreBeautiful.com.
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I can see how hurt you are Frelle, this is a really awful situation to be in. I have had to cut friends from my life in the past, when I realised they were toxic for me, but I’ve never had the experience of a new man causing grief. I wish you, and Joy, well.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, and letting me know you understand how I feel.
I can see how hurt you are Frelle, this is a really awful situation to be in. I have had to cut friends from my life in the past, when I realised they were toxic for me, but I’ve never had the experience of a new man causing grief. I wish you, and Joy, well.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, and letting me know you understand how I feel.
I’ve been friends with a girl for 10 yrs. We used to be a couple of book nerds in 7th grade in a corner just reading our books. We wound up going to the same college and lived together for two years. She helped me in realizing that I wasn’t straight and stood by me when I needed a shoulder and I was always there to do the same. She began to have a fling, its the best word for it really, with a guy I warned her about continuously. I told her he was using her. I told her he didn’t really love her. But she’s more stubborn at times than she is intuitive. She got her heart shattered twice. Once by him throwing her to the side to date another her and twice when she miscarried their baby. Barely a year later she’s seeing a new guy and only a couple of months later she’s married to him, but I know secretly she wishes he wasn’t her husband. I know that occasionally she sneaks a talk to her old fling. We still chatter once in awhile when there is absolutely no one else, but that intimacy of our 10 yr relationship is gone. She made a choice to live in a way that is harming more than just her and pushed me away for far too long. It’s sad really. It’s like losing a sister.
I am sorry for the situation your friend is in, and Im glad you read and commented today. Thanks for letting me know you understand what it’s like to lose a friend who’s like a sister.
I’ve been friends with a girl for 10 yrs. We used to be a couple of book nerds in 7th grade in a corner just reading our books. We wound up going to the same college and lived together for two years. She helped me in realizing that I wasn’t straight and stood by me when I needed a shoulder and I was always there to do the same. She began to have a fling, its the best word for it really, with a guy I warned her about continuously. I told her he was using her. I told her he didn’t really love her. But she’s more stubborn at times than she is intuitive. She got her heart shattered twice. Once by him throwing her to the side to date another her and twice when she miscarried their baby. Barely a year later she’s seeing a new guy and only a couple of months later she’s married to him, but I know secretly she wishes he wasn’t her husband. I know that occasionally she sneaks a talk to her old fling. We still chatter once in awhile when there is absolutely no one else, but that intimacy of our 10 yr relationship is gone. She made a choice to live in a way that is harming more than just her and pushed me away for far too long. It’s sad really. It’s like losing a sister.
I am sorry for the situation your friend is in, and Im glad you read and commented today. Thanks for letting me know you understand what it’s like to lose a friend who’s like a sister.
I feel your pain, however I think your anger is misdirected. I speak as a person who used to be in an abusive relationship. It is classic of the abuser to isolate his “victim” (in this case your friend). When the person who supposedly “loves” you keeps reinforcing how stupid / ugly / fat / useless (etc etc – you get the drift) you are, he makes it impossible for you to stand up to him. You said yourself that he used to take her phone away so she couldn’t let you know that she wouldn’t be able to meet you.
I know it is extremely difficult to understand how an intelligent woman can allow herself to be totally dominated by a bully, but anyone who has been in your friend’s shoes can tell you how difficult it is to get away from an abuser! 🙁
If I were you, I’d let your friend know that you still care about her and her kids and that you’ll help her if she gets away from her “husband” / the abuser. I totally agree that you shouldn’t have anything at all to do with the abuser, but I do think you should speak to your friend when she’s away from him.
To answer your question – Not really. I never really had friends growing up, except for one person who I met when I was 11 years old. We see each other maybe 3 times a year, if that. We really care for each other but live totally separate lives. Apart from her, my husband is my best friend….also because he’s the one who helped me get away from my abuser many years ago! 🙂
Thank you for reading and commenting. I am in the midst of a divorce from my own abusive relationship, so I do understand what’s happening with her. I am angry at her husband, but I am also angry at her. I don’t lack compassion for her situation.. I saw it coming. But she knows I was being abused and why I left, and she knows I would understand. The biggest issue for me is that she supports and continues a friendship with my ex. I’ll have to consider again whether I want to reach out to her. I appreciate your words, and am grateful you shared them.
Dear Frelle, that changes things! Obviously if she’s aware that you were being abused by your ex NO WAY should she be socializing with him now that you have separated! In this case I FULLY support your decision NOT to reach out to her. I’m sorry for what I wrote earlier – your situation was not clear from the post you wrote. Your ex friend obviously still has serious issues she needs to resolve. You sound like you’re on the right track so don’t let her drag you back! Feel free to email me directly if you need some moral support! srinfreschi@gmail.com God Bless!
I feel your pain, however I think your anger is misdirected. I speak as a person who used to be in an abusive relationship. It is classic of the abuser to isolate his “victim” (in this case your friend). When the person who supposedly “loves” you keeps reinforcing how stupid / ugly / fat / useless (etc etc – you get the drift) you are, he makes it impossible for you to stand up to him. You said yourself that he used to take her phone away so she couldn’t let you know that she wouldn’t be able to meet you.
I know it is extremely difficult to understand how an intelligent woman can allow herself to be totally dominated by a bully, but anyone who has been in your friend’s shoes can tell you how difficult it is to get away from an abuser! 🙁
If I were you, I’d let your friend know that you still care about her and her kids and that you’ll help her if she gets away from her “husband” / the abuser. I totally agree that you shouldn’t have anything at all to do with the abuser, but I do think you should speak to your friend when she’s away from him.
To answer your question – Not really. I never really had friends growing up, except for one person who I met when I was 11 years old. We see each other maybe 3 times a year, if that. We really care for each other but live totally separate lives. Apart from her, my husband is my best friend….also because he’s the one who helped me get away from my abuser many years ago! 🙂
Thank you for reading and commenting. I am in the midst of a divorce from my own abusive relationship, so I do understand what’s happening with her. I am angry at her husband, but I am also angry at her. I don’t lack compassion for her situation.. I saw it coming. But she knows I was being abused and why I left, and she knows I would understand. The biggest issue for me is that she supports and continues a friendship with my ex. I’ll have to consider again whether I want to reach out to her. I appreciate your words, and am grateful you shared them.
Dear Frelle, that changes things! Obviously if she’s aware that you were being abused by your ex NO WAY should she be socializing with him now that you have separated! In this case I FULLY support your decision NOT to reach out to her. I’m sorry for what I wrote earlier – your situation was not clear from the post you wrote. Your ex friend obviously still has serious issues she needs to resolve. You sound like you’re on the right track so don’t let her drag you back! Feel free to email me directly if you need some moral support! srinfreschi@gmail.com God Bless!
How incredibly sad. Clearly, your friend is in an abusive relationship. It is so hard because you just want to shake her and wake her up. Sounds like her husband did the typical abuser thing and separated her from the people she was closest with in order to isolate her. I hope she and her daughter get out of this situation safely. I am sure she feels different than her husband and what he wrote to you. Too bad you can’t reconnect with her and straighten things out. I feel your pain and hope things change for the better.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree that it’s a classic and sad abuser situation. I hope she does feel differently than he let on about her, but there is nothing in the course of the past year that tells me that. I hope every day that she gets out, and reconnects with me. Thanks for letting me know you understand.
How incredibly sad. Clearly, your friend is in an abusive relationship. It is so hard because you just want to shake her and wake her up. Sounds like her husband did the typical abuser thing and separated her from the people she was closest with in order to isolate her. I hope she and her daughter get out of this situation safely. I am sure she feels different than her husband and what he wrote to you. Too bad you can’t reconnect with her and straighten things out. I feel your pain and hope things change for the better.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree that it’s a classic and sad abuser situation. I hope she does feel differently than he let on about her, but there is nothing in the course of the past year that tells me that. I hope every day that she gets out, and reconnects with me. Thanks for letting me know you understand.
Bad boyfriends are tough. I have one friend who has been through the bad boyfriend situation several times and I have learned this:
People are stubborn. They don’t want to be told bad things about their relationship, and they will refuse to listen. Worse, if you criticize their relationship they stop sharing their problems with you, because they don’t want to hear “I told you so”.
I have learned to say nothing, and just listen and wait. Eventually, my friend invariably begins to tell me about bad things that have begun to bother her in the relationship. I seize on those as a chance to build her up and validate her – “Yes, you ARE right to be upset. Yes, he IS out of line. No, you are NOT the problem here.” After several months of this, she usually would come to realize on her own that the relationship was unhealthy, and would get out of it. But if I TOLD her to leave it, she would cling to it longer.
People don’t want to be wrong, and their pride is worth more to them than their own relationship health, or friendship.
I have learned to swallow mine, and say nothing, and just be there, and wait.
It’s hard.
Bad boyfriends are tough. I have one friend who has been through the bad boyfriend situation several times and I have learned this:
People are stubborn. They don’t want to be told bad things about their relationship, and they will refuse to listen. Worse, if you criticize their relationship they stop sharing their problems with you, because they don’t want to hear “I told you so”.
I have learned to say nothing, and just listen and wait. Eventually, my friend invariably begins to tell me about bad things that have begun to bother her in the relationship. I seize on those as a chance to build her up and validate her – “Yes, you ARE right to be upset. Yes, he IS out of line. No, you are NOT the problem here.” After several months of this, she usually would come to realize on her own that the relationship was unhealthy, and would get out of it. But if I TOLD her to leave it, she would cling to it longer.
People don’t want to be wrong, and their pride is worth more to them than their own relationship health, or friendship.
I have learned to swallow mine, and say nothing, and just be there, and wait.
It’s hard.
Frelle, I really wanted to send you a long email after editing your post for today. I can tell how hurt you are from what happened. I also fear for your friend. I wonder if she knows that you would still be there for her, would help her out of this abusive situation.
I have lost friendships over the years, but never so that it felt as if we had broken up. Rather, they always seemed to just gradually drift away. I can only imagine the pain you are in, and I hope that you can reach out and help Joy – she really seems to need it. Is she even aware of the situation she’s in? I wonder…
Frelle, I really wanted to send you a long email after editing your post for today. I can tell how hurt you are from what happened. I also fear for your friend. I wonder if she knows that you would still be there for her, would help her out of this abusive situation.
I have lost friendships over the years, but never so that it felt as if we had broken up. Rather, they always seemed to just gradually drift away. I can only imagine the pain you are in, and I hope that you can reach out and help Joy – she really seems to need it. Is she even aware of the situation she’s in? I wonder…
Frelle,
I want to give you a big hug for getting out of your own abusive relationship. Way to go!
I have also lost a close friend because in the relationship I always felt like I was being judged and never seemed to meet up to the standards. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells and that our history meant nothing. It became toxic, and in the end when I had too much going on in life for me to handle I chose to walk away from the relationship. I felt a lot better for doing so, but, ofcourse, a little guilty at one point later on, but looking back, it was the right thing to do. Surrounding myself with positive people has given me a better life. I always felt that if the friendship was truly so great, it would find a way back.
I know what you are going through is painful to end your relationship and lose a friend at the same time. I don’t understand why Joy keeps up a relationship with your ex on top of it all.
Stay strong, Frelle, and know you have your World Moms Blog community here whenever you need us! We love you!
Jen 🙂
Frelle,
I want to give you a big hug for getting out of your own abusive relationship. Way to go!
I have also lost a close friend because in the relationship I always felt like I was being judged and never seemed to meet up to the standards. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells and that our history meant nothing. It became toxic, and in the end when I had too much going on in life for me to handle I chose to walk away from the relationship. I felt a lot better for doing so, but, ofcourse, a little guilty at one point later on, but looking back, it was the right thing to do. Surrounding myself with positive people has given me a better life. I always felt that if the friendship was truly so great, it would find a way back.
I know what you are going through is painful to end your relationship and lose a friend at the same time. I don’t understand why Joy keeps up a relationship with your ex on top of it all.
Stay strong, Frelle, and know you have your World Moms Blog community here whenever you need us! We love you!
Jen 🙂
What a sad situation. For you and for her. I hope, that she will find a way out whichever way is best and that you will one day find each other again. I have had a similar thing happen because of a friends husband. He ended up cheating on her and left her for a much younger waitress at a local bar… after they had 3 children together. I hear about her occasionally and i feel bad for her but she’s never reached out to me and I don’t think she ever will.
I had to say goodbye to a friend during/after working through her addiction problems. It was one of the hardest things I have ever faced. I still miss her. I’m sending you a big hug!
I feel bad for you.. But I think your friend really misses you and maybe you can send her a secret message through your daughter and you can meet. I think she is afraid of getting hurt by her husband as it looks like he weakened her very fast. If it would have been my friend I would have not walked away from it, especially not by a message from him.. I would try contact her. At least to get a good explanation or similar. But she probably needs you way more than you need her at the moment. Good luck!