One of the best pieces of advice I got as a new parent was: “children and pets both require sturdy fences.” Meaning, in order for them to understand their limitations, you must establish clear and consistent rules (or “fences”) for them to thrive within.
A few years later, I attended a parenting lecture on discipline, hosted by a local mother’s group, where I heard this mantra repeated. The speaker was Lynne Griffin, author of a popular parenting book, Negotiation Generation, and a firm believer in the power of “fences” for children. The wisdom Lynne espoused in her lecture inspired me enough to purchase her book and interested my husband enough to read it when I was done.
At the time, we were living in a well-heeled Boston suburb, where we regularly encountered children with sprawling kingdoms but few fences defining their boundaries. In quite a few cases we observed late-in-life parents, who doted on their children so excessively, who met their every wish so frequently, that the children were completely out of control. According to Griffin, enforcing just a few, consistent rules and erecting some fences could put these kids back in place. The book and Griffin’s message spoke to us.
Even though our daughter, was only two at the time, already we could see how she viewed the world: if you left the yarn dangling, she’d unravel the sweater.
Over the past six years, we’ve learned a lot from our daughter about the value of clearly defined boundaries, rules and expectations. To this day, she functions best when she knows what those parameters are. She’s a rule follower to the extreme and a rule enforcer to the max. It’s in her DNA.
My father wasn’t exactly strict but he had served in the military, where he acquired a high-demand for respect and certain rules were non-negotiable. My husband’s family is Chinese. His parents were strict and they still hold high expectations of how their adult-children should behave. Between my husband and me, we hold our children to fairly high standards too.
Aside from demanding general good manners—chew with your mouth closed, no elbows on the table, don’t talk while you’re chewing—we also have rules specific to our house: remove your shoes upon entry; potty-talk only in the bathroom; no using the words “hate,” “stupid” or other derogatory language; no TV on school days. We’re by no means extreme—certainly nothing compared to Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother—but our rules work for us.
When our children know what the rules are, when they have an idea of what our expectations will be, they function better. And, according to Lynne Griffin, it’s not just our children but all children.
I think for this reason, I have experienced very few major temper tantrums and little questioning of our authority (though we have yet to live trough the teen years). I’d like to think it’s because we have been so unfaltering in our rules. But it’s possible temperament also plays a role in these things.
In addition, we also require our children to take responsibility for themselves, to contribute to the household by doing small tasks like making their own beds, helping to set and clear the table, cleaning up after themselves, and folding simple laundry items. We require this now because, though they are only 3 and 6, these are habits we hope will stick for life.
When I went away to school—both as a young teenager and again as a college student—I was surprised by some students’ inability to manage themselves. Some couldn’t boil an egg, others had never done their own laundry and a few had never been expected to pick up after themselves.
My goal as a parent is to turn my children out into the world as capable, responsible and law-abiding citizens. The foundation for these characteristics is primarily our home but secondarily our community.
From the start of humanity, child-rearing has always been the responsibility of an entire clan, a whole village, a community. I firmly believe that trusted adults (neighbors, teachers, civic leaders) should be able to help mold and guide our children in a supplemental way.
After all, none of us, as parents, have received any formal training beyond being kids ourselves once; and lets face it, who was paying attention back then?
I am thankful I have established sturdy fences that my kids can rely on. That, at least in this stage of their lives, they know not to push too hard on those fences because they’re not yet ready for the world that lies beyond. But one day soon, when they are ready to test their boundaries and venture past our gate, I hope they’ll find themselves in a community that still cares enough to help guide them and that they’ll continue to respect the many other fences they encounter along the way.
Where do you stand on rule enforcement in your house? Do you think kids these days have too much authority and not enough clear boundaries? Do you believe that trusted adults should be able to guide your children on their paths?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our Senior Editor, Kyla P’an. Kyla occasionally can be found musing on her own blog, Growing Muses but more frequently, can be found herding her two kids behind their sturdy and reliable white, picket fence in hardy New England.
The photograph used in this post is credited to Oakley Originals. It carries Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Kyla P'an (Portugal)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
Follow Me:
Our boys hardly murmur when we set boundaries either. To answer your questions: our rules are few and non-negotiable; I think most Kiiwi families are too dismissive of their kids emotional needs and expect independenc too soon, and some are too wishy-washy with boundaries as well; I expect our friends and family members to tell our kids off if they’re misbehaving.
Replace Kiwi with American and we’re speaking the same thought. Thanks for you feedback. I’m glad to hear this approach is wide-spread and global.
Our boys hardly murmur when we set boundaries either. To answer your questions: our rules are few and non-negotiable; I think most Kiiwi families are too dismissive of their kids emotional needs and expect independenc too soon, and some are too wishy-washy with boundaries as well; I expect our friends and family members to tell our kids off if they’re misbehaving.
Replace Kiwi with American and we’re speaking the same thought. Thanks for you feedback. I’m glad to hear this approach is wide-spread and global.
I couldn’t agree more, Kyla. My children are now 19 and 16 years old and they were also raised with “sturdy fences”. I am so grateful now that my husband and I took the time to erect them when the kids were small because we now have a fabulous relationship with our teens! 🙂
When our kids were young we made sure that we picked our battles. By that I mean that we gave them a little leeway in things that weren’t really important (like letting them choose what to wear that day) but were firm and consistent with our “fences” (like “hold my hand when we cross the road”).
Hubby & I also ensured that we ALWAYS backed each other up with regards to our children. For example if the answer to a request was “no” by me, hubby would reinforce the “no” and talk to me about it later (quietly and in private) if he thought we could have said “yes”. Over the years we have disagreed less and less about how much freedom was acceptable. 🙂
The brilliant thing about the fact that the answer was the same, irrespective of which parent they asked, has avoided the “play one parent up against the other” trick which may children do too well!
That’s very reassuring, Mamma Simona, thanks. Perhaps the greatest struggle I have in living by these laws is backing up my husband all the time. I want to have a unified front but he is far more strict (and sometimes a little more out-of-touch with the kids’ day-to-day than I) so it’s hard for me to agree with his hard-line approaches all the time.
I couldn’t agree more, Kyla. My children are now 19 and 16 years old and they were also raised with “sturdy fences”. I am so grateful now that my husband and I took the time to erect them when the kids were small because we now have a fabulous relationship with our teens! 🙂
When our kids were young we made sure that we picked our battles. By that I mean that we gave them a little leeway in things that weren’t really important (like letting them choose what to wear that day) but were firm and consistent with our “fences” (like “hold my hand when we cross the road”).
Hubby & I also ensured that we ALWAYS backed each other up with regards to our children. For example if the answer to a request was “no” by me, hubby would reinforce the “no” and talk to me about it later (quietly and in private) if he thought we could have said “yes”. Over the years we have disagreed less and less about how much freedom was acceptable. 🙂
The brilliant thing about the fact that the answer was the same, irrespective of which parent they asked, has avoided the “play one parent up against the other” trick which may children do too well!
That’s very reassuring, Mamma Simona, thanks. Perhaps the greatest struggle I have in living by these laws is backing up my husband all the time. I want to have a unified front but he is far more strict (and sometimes a little more out-of-touch with the kids’ day-to-day than I) so it’s hard for me to agree with his hard-line approaches all the time.
Kyla,
You have me thinking about what rules we have…small toys must be played with high up on a table, so the little one can’t get to it, wet and moist foods must be eaten in the kitchen, wash your hands when you get home, wash up on your own if there was no bath that night, no talking with your mouth full, always thank the person if they do something nice for you or give you something and ask for things politely. These are the ones that are most important to me at the end of the day. Steve will love this post and probably mention a bunch more rules that I’m lax on enforcing…lol Elbows on the table? I have no problem with. Feet on the table? No way! I pick my battles!
Jen 🙂
I realize Everett and I are a bit extreme in our etiquette enforcing but man, etiquette has slid so far in this generation that I’m determined to teach my ids well, teach them young and hope they carry it through for life. You should have seen the 23 rule “Manners List” we would have to copy over and over again in boarding school if someone had poor table manners. If it makes you feel any better, I completely agree, feet have no business being on the table ;o)
Kyla,
You have me thinking about what rules we have…small toys must be played with high up on a table, so the little one can’t get to it, wet and moist foods must be eaten in the kitchen, wash your hands when you get home, wash up on your own if there was no bath that night, no talking with your mouth full, always thank the person if they do something nice for you or give you something and ask for things politely. These are the ones that are most important to me at the end of the day. Steve will love this post and probably mention a bunch more rules that I’m lax on enforcing…lol Elbows on the table? I have no problem with. Feet on the table? No way! I pick my battles!
Jen 🙂
I realize Everett and I are a bit extreme in our etiquette enforcing but man, etiquette has slid so far in this generation that I’m determined to teach my ids well, teach them young and hope they carry it through for life. You should have seen the 23 rule “Manners List” we would have to copy over and over again in boarding school if someone had poor table manners. If it makes you feel any better, I completely agree, feet have no business being on the table ;o)
I couldn’t agree with you more. As a teacher, I see how important “fences” are for children on a daily basis. The kids without discipline at home tend to struggle the most at school when it comes to self management skills and academic discipline. I think I need to set a few more perimeters for my son!
If my post got you thinking and taking action, I’m delighted. Isn’t the whole goal of blogging meant to invoke though or action? And as a mother, I’m always looking for nuggets of wisdom from fellow moms, hope you set some good ones.
I couldn’t agree with you more. As a teacher, I see how important “fences” are for children on a daily basis. The kids without discipline at home tend to struggle the most at school when it comes to self management skills and academic discipline. I think I need to set a few more perimeters for my son!
If my post got you thinking and taking action, I’m delighted. Isn’t the whole goal of blogging meant to invoke though or action? And as a mother, I’m always looking for nuggets of wisdom from fellow moms, hope you set some good ones.
I’m kind of with Jennifer above. I pick my battles, but I do place rules. Unfortunately, right now, my son is at a time in his life where he wants to test every single boundary. Multiple times. I struggle to keep my patience, and some days it’s an internal battle not to give in, but I do believe that – in the end – it will help him grow.
Yes, childhood is a vortex of battles and peace. I also believe that standing our ground firmly WILL help them grow. Stick to it Rox!
I’m kind of with Jennifer above. I pick my battles, but I do place rules. Unfortunately, right now, my son is at a time in his life where he wants to test every single boundary. Multiple times. I struggle to keep my patience, and some days it’s an internal battle not to give in, but I do believe that – in the end – it will help him grow.
Yes, childhood is a vortex of battles and peace. I also believe that standing our ground firmly WILL help them grow. Stick to it Rox!
Excellent post Kyla! I agree so much that kids need boundaries and rules. It makes discipline so much easier. My best friend from childhood never had any rules or boundaries and her life was very hard and still is. I strongly believe this kind of regiment truly prepares children for the real world. I can’t imagine sending my child off to college and not knowing how to cook for themselves or do their own laundry! No way!
I had a friend like that too. I was so jealous of her growing up and I always wanted to have sleep overs at her house because the rules were lax to non-existent but often I would end up feeling uncomfortable. Being only a 4th grader at the time, her amount of freedom and independence was unsettling. In the end, I think she ended up having many issues with drugs, bad boyfriends and poor choices throughout her teens and adulthood. I’m sure it’s because she was never taught how to male good decisions or have boundaries as a child.
Excellent post Kyla! I agree so much that kids need boundaries and rules. It makes discipline so much easier. My best friend from childhood never had any rules or boundaries and her life was very hard and still is. I strongly believe this kind of regiment truly prepares children for the real world. I can’t imagine sending my child off to college and not knowing how to cook for themselves or do their own laundry! No way!
I had a friend like that too. I was so jealous of her growing up and I always wanted to have sleep overs at her house because the rules were lax to non-existent but often I would end up feeling uncomfortable. Being only a 4th grader at the time, her amount of freedom and independence was unsettling. In the end, I think she ended up having many issues with drugs, bad boyfriends and poor choices throughout her teens and adulthood. I’m sure it’s because she was never taught how to male good decisions or have boundaries as a child.
We have some firm, basic rules in our household, and I find our boys do best because of them. Plus it cuts down on battles when they break the rules. If you are inconsistent and having to justify your discipline rationale on different occasions versus pointing back to the standard house rule, it wears everyone down. The rule is like a 3rd party that we all need to mind. If it’s just me not liking something he does one day, then it’s a battle between him and me.
I also allow flexibility, though, on the smaller stuff. For example, you want to park a toy car by your dinner plate at the table while we eat? As long as you aren’t driving it around and eat most/all of your meal with good table manners, I’m ok with it. You might even get dessert 😉
I admire your flexibility in allowing your kids to be kids, Tara. We have two rules: no blankies in the bathroom and no toys at the table but sometimes I feel like the kids could really use a hall pass on those but if we bent there at this stage, probably every other rule would come into question too.
We have some firm, basic rules in our household, and I find our boys do best because of them. Plus it cuts down on battles when they break the rules. If you are inconsistent and having to justify your discipline rationale on different occasions versus pointing back to the standard house rule, it wears everyone down. The rule is like a 3rd party that we all need to mind. If it’s just me not liking something he does one day, then it’s a battle between him and me.
I also allow flexibility, though, on the smaller stuff. For example, you want to park a toy car by your dinner plate at the table while we eat? As long as you aren’t driving it around and eat most/all of your meal with good table manners, I’m ok with it. You might even get dessert 😉
I admire your flexibility in allowing your kids to be kids, Tara. We have two rules: no blankies in the bathroom and no toys at the table but sometimes I feel like the kids could really use a hall pass on those but if we bent there at this stage, probably every other rule would come into question too.