I wish I could say that my path to adoption was an unselfish, altruistic one, but the truth is my husband and I just wanted to be parents…plain and simple.
The “old fashioned way” wasn’t working and after four years of testing, trying and surgeries to find out what wasn’t working, we had an epiphany at an adoption seminar we attended. The woman who was speaking said her goal “was to be a parent, not to have a baby.”
Those simple words seemed to make time stand still for me. That was my goal, too!! I had put so much pressure on myself to have a biological child, and I felt like such a failure when it just wasn’t happening. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
When we brought our seven month old home from Guatemala, we thought he was the most gorgeous, perfect thing we had ever seen! He fit right into our family so perfectly it was as if he had always been with us. I quit my job teaching and stayed home to be with him full time, and as he got a bit older, we joined a few play groups. That was when some of the reality of adoption set in.
I remember a mom asking me what he’s mixed with (as if he’s a cocktail) as she looked back and forth from him to me.
Another person asked me if I ever met his “real” mom. That one always takes me back a minute. I know no one is meaning that I am not his real mom, they want to know if I have ever met his birth mom. That’s always the time I introduce the word birth mom with emphasis on BIRTH. Whenever I would tell someone we adopted him, a floodgate would open with so many questions and comments from anyone and everyone like we were in an interview! I just wanted to have fun and enjoy my baby at play group.
We always said we would tell him about his adoption right from the beginning, and we did. He has a picture of his birth mother and his foster mother on his dresser in his room. We have told him their names since we brought him home. We wanted to lay the groundwork for an open communication, and we want him to know that adoption is a wonderful thing.
When I got pregnant with my SURPRISE! biological child, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and sadness. I was so happy to be blessed enough to experience pregnancy. I was also overwhelmed with gratitude for our son’s birth mom, who went through nine months of pregnancy for him.
When I had my daughter, I was so happy to see her tiny body and everything so new, and at the same time I was sad because I couldn’t imagine ever being able to carry a baby for nine months and give him/her to another family in order to have a chance at a better life. I don’t think I could ever be that unselfish.
I was so happy to watch my daughter as a new born and watch her accomplish all of her milestones, but at the same time, I knew I had never seen my son’s first smile or his first roll over. When she turned seven months, I was happy but sad because I couldn’t help but think that at seven months, his foster mother gave him to us after caring for him since he was born. It was another unselfish act I just could not comprehend.
Parenting an adopted child and a SURPRISE! biological child are similar in many ways but the truth is my husband, my daughter, and myself will never truly understand what it feels like to walk into a room at family gatherings and not see some resemblance of ourselves in our family members. We will never understand how it feels to possibly never know the woman who gave birth to us. We will never understand what it feels like to have questions about our birth families which may never be answered.
We most definitely will never understand how it feels to be an adopted child in a family with a biological child.
But, we know we will always be there for our son and our daughter during those times of questions. We love both our children with the fierceness that could rival a mother lioness protecting her cubs. We will always keep the communication open with both our children, and if there are questions from either one of them, we will do our best to find the answers.
My husband and I hope and pray that through open communication and both of them knowing they are loved unconditionally, no matter how they came in to our family, they know they both are the pieces which, together, complete the jigsaw puzzle of our family.
Have any other World Moms Blog moms been affected by the happiness and sadness of adoption? What have your experiences been?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Meredith. You can read more about Meredith and her family on her personal blog We Found Happiness.
Photo credited to the author.
Its great you try to see things from your son’s perspective and your are sensitive to his feelings, thoughts and experience. I haven’t been in this same situation (chose to live my cousins in another state from the age of 11- 16 in order to attend the same school/spend time together), it was fun and have great memories of that time but there were times I wished I was back in my own home. I believe you are still his mum and well done for the great job you are doing and try not to take to heart the negative comments others say
Every adoption story is unique and there are so many twists and turns along the way, but having my children know I love them no matter what is one of the best gifts I can give them:)Thanks for your kind words.:)
Yes, I have the same feelings. Both of my sons came to our family through adoption, both under very difficult circumstances regarding their pasts. There is a level of sadness for all that my boys lost and will never know about their beginnings. I find myself grieving for my sons’ birthfamilies on a regular basis. And there is even more sadness (and even anger) for the things they have had to endure in their short lives. I tell people it’s a paradox. Adoption has brought me great joy, but it is also full of deep, profound loss….loss that my children will be aware of throughout their entire lives. We are knee deep in a hard place right now with both of my boys, and it is certainly something non-adoptive parents could ever understand. We just keep living with the hope that our children know they are loved and that we are here for them as they process theri loss into adulthood.
I was going to retweet this to you, and I’m glad you found it first, Hiking Mama!
Jen 🙂
Thank you so much for your comment, Hiking Mama! It is so true that any adoption is so full of happiness and loss and even sadness at some level. I also find myself thinking about my son’s birth mother many days and especially on Mother’s day and on his birthday. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about her and his foster mother. Those days are emotional for me. I find myself hoping I have the strength to be there for him when he really starts to have questions, and there will questions I know I won’t be able to answer for him especially with his birth family health history. I have no information on that. Adoption is definitely not a journey for the faint of heart, but it is one I am thankful I am on everyday. Adoption doesn’t end when you bring your child home, it is a life long commitment as you already know:) Thank you for sharing your comment, and I am sure your boys will always know in their hearts how much you love them.:)
Your story is beautiful. I think your children were meant to be with you, and they both found different ways of finding you on the planet. I’m glad they did. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Thanks, Jen! I do know both of them were meant to be with me. It is amazing how everyone’s path to motherhood is different and unique, yet, at the same time, motherhood
(no matter how we achieve motherhood) is what binds us all together.:)
I agree with Jen’s comment above. It does not matter how they found you. But they both were destined to be your children and they are. One of our neighbours’ boy and my son are so thick friends, it is like I have 2 sons and his mother has 2 sons. Some people are meant to be together despite losses, odds, sorrows, happiness, whatever. And they are together. You are lucky to have them despite everything and inspite of everything.
I totally agree, some people are meant to be together “despite everything and in spite of everything”!:) Very well said:)
I agree with everyone here. 🙂
Thanks Karyn!:)
I have a friend who chose to give her son up for adoption when she was pregnant. She was young and knew she couldn’t give her son a good life. She made a very difficult and unselfish decision. She knew the family he was going to. They were doctors and had been trying to have a child for a while. She still gets and gives letters and pictures, but outside of that, there is little contact. I know she would never interfere in his life, but would love more contact. She chose and still chooses to do what is best for him. I know there are many families that are grateful for women like her, who choose adoption and who put their children first.
What an incredible thing your friend did. It is truly an unselfish act for a birth mother to give her child a chance at a better life. I think about my son’s birth mother and foster mothers often. I will never forget their unselfish acts. Your friend sounds wonderful; she gave another family a priceless gift.:)
What an incredible and beautiful story. I think, that both your children will appreciate your openness when they get older. It’s great that you are trying to see through his eyes. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you Susi K. This is a journey, and we will try to do our best to make sure both our children feel free to ask us questions and that they always know they are loved.:)
I totally agree with you, Lagosgem and all the other mothers … especially The Alchemist. My husband and I had considered adoption but we ended up with 2 “surprise!” children of our own (despite several different doctors telling us it wouldn’t be possible).
I’d also like to add my voice in praise for mothers who put the well-being of their children first and (at the same time) give willing and able people the huge gift of a child to call their own!
In my personal experience (I come from a dreadfully dysfunctional family) I can attest to the fact that LOVE is what binds a family together and not genetics! My aunt and my grandmother are my REAL moms.
My biological mother and I (today) are cordial acquaintaces after she uttered the following unforgettable sentence (when we were fetching my son from preschool around 16 years ago); “You know this incredible love you feel for your child? I never felt that with you. We are more sisters than mother-daughter cos we were basically raised by the same mother. The bond I have with your brother and sister is way deeper”. After that, there was really nothing more to say.
Mama Simona, I am sorry about your relationship with your mother, but am so glad you had a great one with your aunt and your grandmother. Our hearts are what binds us more than biology.:) I will be forever grateful to both my son’s birth mother and his foster mother for caring for him as they did and giving him to me. I could not ask for greater gifts than my children.:)