We live in a fast-paced expressive world of almost forced informality. Most of us think we know how to act. You’d think that by the time people reached adulthood, they would have cultivated good manners. Simple observations would show otherwise.
Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”
Check this out: 9 out of 10 Americans (88%) feel that incivility is a serious problem and getting worse. Statistics prove that more than 8 in 10 Americans, both with kids and without kids, agree that bad parenting — the failure to instill good behavior in kids — is the major cause of bad manners (Bozell Worldwide/US News & World Report Civility in America Study 1999)
What is going on? There’s road rage, air rage, cellphone rage, sports rage, parking rage, bank rage, desk rage, and checkout rage. We are impatient — and when someone slows us down, we get rude and angry.
This past June a, 68-year-old upstate New York bus monitor, Karen Klein, was taunted and verbally abused by middle school students. The students foolishly video taped the bullying and uploaded the 10-minute video to youtube. I wonder what the parents of those boys thought about the viral video of the attack. Was teaching manners an important topic in their home?
On Father’s Day, we had another family over for dinner. I was mortified when my two children did not use good table manners. At one point during the meal my 3-year-old tried to put her foot up on the table. My 7-year-old was ready to bounce out of her seat, refusing to eat. I pride myself on trying to raise my girls to be prim and proper. I’m not naive, I know that kids will be kids but I was so disappointed by their choices that night, especially since it was Father’s Day. I wanted everything to run as smoothly as possible for the dads!
I decided right then and there that I was going to focus more attention on teaching them about manners of all sorts. I know the best way to teach them is to be a model of good manners myself. Check! I can do that, I think I already do but being more cognizant of my own choices will certainly help me be aware of anything I need to improve.
I started researching etiquette and finishing schools online. My children learn best if their five senses are involved. I thought it would be fun if I created a charm school/finishing school for them one week this summer at our home.
I furthered my research by checking out all sorts of etiquette books at the library. Emily Post’s Etiquette is my new summer read! I find that the hands-on approach is not only the best way my kids retain information but it is also a really fun way to learn new skills.
My children are social butterflies and are excellent at personal greetings. They look people in the eye, shake their hands and are always courteous. My kids know the “magic words”, it’s their manners at the table that need improving.
Manners change over time and across cultural boundaries, but the principles are universal and timeless.
The charm school I am devising will highlight every day manners, common courtesies, personal image, table manners, telephone manners, company manners, entertaining at home, dining out, out-and-about manners, manners with the pen, etc.
Recently, I started putting a measuring pitcher of whatever my 3-year-old will be drinking in front of her at every meal. The task of allowing her to pour her own water or milk develops her hand-eye coordination, gives her a sense of responsibility and gets me off the hook of having to get up and down during the meal fetching her something to drink.
Will I have my girls walking around the house with a book on their heads or practice crossing their legs the right way? You bet ya! I think the traditional, old-fashion finishing school techniques are something that they will actually get a kick out of! And why not? What would that hurt?
Our society hasn’t placed a high priority on developing social graces. Therefore, many adults didn’t grow up being taught how to be polite and gracious in various settings and circumstances. In earlier decades, people generally treated each other with kindness and respect. In today’s culture, we don’t tend to be concerned about others in our lives. We have become a “me” generation.
We can learn good manners at any age, but when the learning process begins in childhood, mannerly behavior becomes more natural. That it is why it is so important to begin teaching good manners when our children are young.
What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to bad manners?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Courtney Cappallo of Massachusetts, USA. Courtney can be found homeschooling on her blog, Table of Four.
The photographs used in this post are attributed to the author.
Great post! I love good manners, and I need to be more intentional about instilling them in my boys. We are a pretty casual household in an informal community, so manners are not as drilled in to them as they were in my childhood, in which I attended a private, Catholic school. But we do work with them. For example, with my 6 year old, I review with him how to greet others, especially adults, as we are heading to an event, and talk about how we choose clothing on school days versus home days to reflect putting our best foot forward. And my husband and I are sticklers on “please” and “thank you.” It’s amazing how even my toddler’s whole tone and demeanor change when he is asked to say “please.” I think these little touches will only help them in an increasingly informal world. And we can have an entire different post someoday about online manners for older kids. It’s amazing what people (adults and kids alike) will say unfiltered online.
Thank you Tara. I totally agree that a post on online manners is imperative! I continue to be amazed at some of the facebook posts I read. I am so grateful that I did not have facebook in high school or college, with all drama with boys, who knows what melodramatic posts I would have made!
Great post! I love good manners, and I need to be more intentional about instilling them in my boys. We are a pretty casual household in an informal community, so manners are not as drilled in to them as they were in my childhood, in which I attended a private, Catholic school. But we do work with them. For example, with my 6 year old, I review with him how to greet others, especially adults, as we are heading to an event, and talk about how we choose clothing on school days versus home days to reflect putting our best foot forward. And my husband and I are sticklers on “please” and “thank you.” It’s amazing how even my toddler’s whole tone and demeanor change when he is asked to say “please.” I think these little touches will only help them in an increasingly informal world. And we can have an entire different post someoday about online manners for older kids. It’s amazing what people (adults and kids alike) will say unfiltered online.
Thank you Tara. I totally agree that a post on online manners is imperative! I continue to be amazed at some of the facebook posts I read. I am so grateful that I did not have facebook in high school or college, with all drama with boys, who knows what melodramatic posts I would have made!
Hi Courtney,
I am very into teaching my children to have respect for others and to treat people kindly and with sincerity, but I’m opposite about imposing tight specific behaviors and manners on them. I believe the world can be casual and still respectful at the same time.
My husband has rules from his English upbringing that I really don’t impose — the knife and fork in a special way to show you’ve finished your meal. I didn’t learn about that until my late 20’s. From him.
I’m a bit of a rebel against things that are strict! But, not when it comes to respecting others. I feel that is definitely something a parent can teach from the heart. And when it comes to those kids on the bus, a parent teaching a child to speak up amongst their peers for what is right is so important.
Jen 🙂
Jen, I agree that teaching our children to be kind and sincere are the most important lessons we can pass along. My girls actually get a kick out of learning to place your knife and fork across your plate when they are finished their meal. They feel very grown up when they are doing it. I’ve noticed since I’ve started implementing some of the things I’ve learned from the library books on etiquette that I checked out, my girls manners are doing so much better. It really is quite a pleasure to be around children with good manners!
Hi Courtney,
I am very into teaching my children to have respect for others and to treat people kindly and with sincerity, but I’m opposite about imposing tight specific behaviors and manners on them. I believe the world can be casual and still respectful at the same time.
My husband has rules from his English upbringing that I really don’t impose — the knife and fork in a special way to show you’ve finished your meal. I didn’t learn about that until my late 20’s. From him.
I’m a bit of a rebel against things that are strict! But, not when it comes to respecting others. I feel that is definitely something a parent can teach from the heart. And when it comes to those kids on the bus, a parent teaching a child to speak up amongst their peers for what is right is so important.
Jen 🙂
Jen, I agree that teaching our children to be kind and sincere are the most important lessons we can pass along. My girls actually get a kick out of learning to place your knife and fork across your plate when they are finished their meal. They feel very grown up when they are doing it. I’ve noticed since I’ve started implementing some of the things I’ve learned from the library books on etiquette that I checked out, my girls manners are doing so much better. It really is quite a pleasure to be around children with good manners!
thoughtful post, Courtney!
I think you’re totally right about the “me” generation. Sometimes I see it in my husbands’ behavior. he gets so mad and impatient in many social situations and it is all about HIS perspective. he doesn’t understand that somebody’s behavior might be caused by some personal issues…
at some point our points of view on certain things are different. I feel it will be a challenge to teach our kids all about it… about my way of seeing things vs my husband’s. I wouldn’t call him rude rather impatient. I. myself in many social situations try to think about the other person as well not only what I feel and how I feel but how him/her might be feeling as well. He does not do that. I think that in many situations it is not about the rules and obedience but about empathy.
Mom Photographer, thanks for your comment! I agree with you about empathy. We live in a world where we expect immediate gratification and get so frustrated when we don’t get what we want at the snap of our fingers. I worry for the teenagers today with all the texting they do. So many of them are tied to their phones, waiting for the next text. I think it is quite sad actually.
thoughtful post, Courtney!
I think you’re totally right about the “me” generation. Sometimes I see it in my husbands’ behavior. he gets so mad and impatient in many social situations and it is all about HIS perspective. he doesn’t understand that somebody’s behavior might be caused by some personal issues…
at some point our points of view on certain things are different. I feel it will be a challenge to teach our kids all about it… about my way of seeing things vs my husband’s. I wouldn’t call him rude rather impatient. I. myself in many social situations try to think about the other person as well not only what I feel and how I feel but how him/her might be feeling as well. He does not do that. I think that in many situations it is not about the rules and obedience but about empathy.
Mom Photographer, thanks for your comment! I agree with you about empathy. We live in a world where we expect immediate gratification and get so frustrated when we don’t get what we want at the snap of our fingers. I worry for the teenagers today with all the texting they do. So many of them are tied to their phones, waiting for the next text. I think it is quite sad actually.
What a fun idea Courtney! I have such a hard time with my son – although I think it’s because he wants attention, as opposed to not knowing better. He recently decided that he would not talk to his grandmothers on the phone (either one). In fact he answers the phone and if it’s my mother he doesnt even say hi – he just hands it to me or just sets it down next to where he is at the moment. Up until this behavior started (a couple of weeks ago) he would sit and talk for 10 minutes. I actually punished him for this poor behavior and yesterday he said hello at least and then handed me the phone. I think manners towards others are so important, and try to lead by example at home.
Thanks Maman Aya! These kids of ours, they have such strong minds of their own, don’t they? ha! If your son won’t talk with the grandmothers on the phone, perhaps suggesting they write to him, as a pen pal and have him write back might provide a nice solution. They’d be in touch with each other and he’d be learning manners with the pen. My girls love, love getting mail. Perhaps he would,too!
What a fun idea! Thanks Courtney!
What a fun idea Courtney! I have such a hard time with my son – although I think it’s because he wants attention, as opposed to not knowing better. He recently decided that he would not talk to his grandmothers on the phone (either one). In fact he answers the phone and if it’s my mother he doesnt even say hi – he just hands it to me or just sets it down next to where he is at the moment. Up until this behavior started (a couple of weeks ago) he would sit and talk for 10 minutes. I actually punished him for this poor behavior and yesterday he said hello at least and then handed me the phone. I think manners towards others are so important, and try to lead by example at home.
Thanks Maman Aya! These kids of ours, they have such strong minds of their own, don’t they? ha! If your son won’t talk with the grandmothers on the phone, perhaps suggesting they write to him, as a pen pal and have him write back might provide a nice solution. They’d be in touch with each other and he’d be learning manners with the pen. My girls love, love getting mail. Perhaps he would,too!
What a fun idea! Thanks Courtney!
Courtney, I couldn’t agree with you MORE! Bad manners and people’s self-absorbed natures in this day and age make me go postal. Both my husband and I are sticklers for good manners, especially table manners. We were both raised in societies where manners mattered. They reflected your upbringing and even your potential to succeed within society.
Ironically, the people who instilled good manners in us (namely our own parents) seem to have forgotten some of them in their older age and I often feel embarrassed when my in-laws speak with food in their mouths or my father eats an entire meal with an elbow on the table in front of our kids. I don’t want to further drive the wedge in by being disrespectful as well and pointing out their errors but it’s tough to get undermined like that.
Recently we had my 6yo daughter’s best friend for a sleep over. At meal times the child didn’t even know how to hold her utensils and used her knife and fork interchangeably. I was beside myself not to correct her but it didn’t seem my place. I do feel parents do wrong by their children when they don’t properly equip them to survive in all levels of society and within the world. You never know when you may end up dining in the presence of royalty,or at the very least, with people who know better and actually care about good etiquette.
Thanks for caring!
Thanks for your comment Growing Muses. I find it tough too when we see kids around us using bad language or not using good manners. My girls notice everything now and if their friends use bad language they pick up on it. My teenage niece visited us two weeks ago, every other word out of her mouth was “like.” We adore her, but were teasing her a little bit to have her realize what a problem it is. My 7-year-old tried to use it when she was here and believe you me, I put an end to that right away. I told her people will not take you seriously if you use “like” five times in one sentence. People will assume you are not intelligent.
I agree with you in teaching our children proper etiquette at the table, too. I have my 7-year-old and 3-year-old set the table. I always, always make sure they put the spoon, fork, knife and glass in the proper place. I want for them that if they throw a dinner party when they are older to know where it all belongs. It’s a throw back to elegance and I am all for it!
Courtney, I couldn’t agree with you MORE! Bad manners and people’s self-absorbed natures in this day and age make me go postal. Both my husband and I are sticklers for good manners, especially table manners. We were both raised in societies where manners mattered. They reflected your upbringing and even your potential to succeed within society.
Ironically, the people who instilled good manners in us (namely our own parents) seem to have forgotten some of them in their older age and I often feel embarrassed when my in-laws speak with food in their mouths or my father eats an entire meal with an elbow on the table in front of our kids. I don’t want to further drive the wedge in by being disrespectful as well and pointing out their errors but it’s tough to get undermined like that.
Recently we had my 6yo daughter’s best friend for a sleep over. At meal times the child didn’t even know how to hold her utensils and used her knife and fork interchangeably. I was beside myself not to correct her but it didn’t seem my place. I do feel parents do wrong by their children when they don’t properly equip them to survive in all levels of society and within the world. You never know when you may end up dining in the presence of royalty,or at the very least, with people who know better and actually care about good etiquette.
Thanks for caring!
Thanks for your comment Growing Muses. I find it tough too when we see kids around us using bad language or not using good manners. My girls notice everything now and if their friends use bad language they pick up on it. My teenage niece visited us two weeks ago, every other word out of her mouth was “like.” We adore her, but were teasing her a little bit to have her realize what a problem it is. My 7-year-old tried to use it when she was here and believe you me, I put an end to that right away. I told her people will not take you seriously if you use “like” five times in one sentence. People will assume you are not intelligent.
I agree with you in teaching our children proper etiquette at the table, too. I have my 7-year-old and 3-year-old set the table. I always, always make sure they put the spoon, fork, knife and glass in the proper place. I want for them that if they throw a dinner party when they are older to know where it all belongs. It’s a throw back to elegance and I am all for it!