I have just experienced that feeling of “thank God there are two of us,” which is automatically followed by a rush of respect for all the single parents out there. I am not talking about being able to go out while your other half can stay home with the kids, or being able to share sick days, or being able to share childcare pickups and drop offs; although just writing this list gives me greater appreciation for my other half who is there to share the joyous, yet sometimes challenging role of parenting.
What I’m talking about are those moments where you just can’t take it anymore. Just writing about my experience makes me feel almost ashamed, but these real life parenting moments do happen – to all of us I’m sure.
It’s beyond any reasoning, when all the love, patience and understanding fly out the window; when all the books and all the best advice seem like insignificant nonsense and when you are beyond common sense, alone in the world, no light at the end of the tunnel.
Let me go back in time and share with you how a perfectly sane, relaxed and happy young mother transforms into a frustrated and completely clueless role model void of all parenting self-esteem….
You’ve had a nice Saturday morning with your baby while your feverish husband needs to stay in bed. You have played and connected, then Baby starts being irritable; your instincts say it is time for sleep. You ease the excited game period into a quiet time to relax before nap time. You know it’s the right thing to do – you’re proud and confident, you can read the signs! So, off to bed.
But one second on the mattress and Baby is up on all fours, moaning. You pat her head, say sweet words and leave the room. You do this because 80% of the time it works. However, Baby is still not happy and starts crying. You wait behind the door as long as you can, then go back in with a big smile and sweet words. You give a hug before Baby goes back down and then you leave the room. Your instincts are still confident because, again, you know this generally works.
The crying starts again and you wait at your post behind the door, perhaps a little longer (you might be too soft?) but the crying resumes. My instincts start to wonder… I then go through the classics in my head: food, drink, nappy, burp, boredom. Then I remember – yes! she often likes a little milk before going to sleep. Of course, that’s it! My instincts are back on track … I pick her up and take her down to make a bottle. She takes it as though she’s just been walking through the desert. Satisfied mummy smiles (yes, I do know my own child) and patience is boosted by this success. I take her back up, put her down…
Alas… We go through the same scenario…
Then behind the door, again, all the less classic reasons for tears run through my mind: Is baby uncomfortable? Does baby need food? Did you really give her enough to drink? Has she been sick, is she cold, is she teething? Is the bump on her head from yesterday suddenly thudding again? Is the rash on her bum from last week back this very instant? This is when you should call in for back up. But no, not me, I decide to go in a little deeper.
Check the bum, scrutinize the head, put cream on her, offer a banana, let her play a little more (perhaps she just isn’t that tired?), and after unquestionable eye-rubbing, I put her back in bed. Perhaps not with the same wonderfully-blessed-mother attitude as the first try? You get tense when you put her down and you wait for it … wait for it … And, here it comes – she cries again!
Is she just joking around with you? Slowly “slightly irritated” builds up into “frankly stressed-out”. You think, right, firmness is the key. I’m giving her bad habits by picking her up all the time; I need to show her who is the boss and that I know better than she does as to what she needs. She is tired and she needs to sleep.
Then it is the point of no return, I don’t shout, I don’t grab, but I do know my voice is firmer and my embrace straighter. Does that help to convey the message? Three guesses? No, of course not. It’s worse and then I feel as if I’m on the verge of crying myself. I hate this frustration building up. That’s when parent number two needs to come in.
This morning my feverish husband got out of bed, gave Baby a hug and she fell asleep immediately. He then crawled back to his own bed – all this in 5 minutes while I was standing there in the corridor like a zombie.
Incredibly enough, the peace and quiet just overwhelmed me and all negative tensions disappeared. I felt like a happy and contented mother again. I just then had to write this down for you. Why? Because its moments like these that I am not proud of myself, and I realize how glad and so privileged I am to have a partner who can step in for me, and for whom I can step in for when “enough is enough.”
I am not saying it’s completly easy even if there are two of you – it’s a fine dance for a couple. Step in too early, the other feels it’s an intrusion; step in too late and the other feels like a failure. One has to admit they sometimes need to step out of the situation when it’s not resolving itself; the other has to offer help as a teammate and not as a righteous teacher.
I am just so looking forward to the day when my baby can say to me “Mummy, I’m thirsty,” “Mummy, I’m too hot” or hopefully in my native French, “Maman, j’ai soif” and “Maman, j’ai trop chaud!”
Have you experienced the “enough is enough” frustration when you can’t find the answer to a situation and you need your partner to step in?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Ambre French, our French “maman” writing from Oslo, Norway. You can view her profile on our Writer’s Page.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/34128007@N04/5424663830/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Hi Ambre,
It is incredible how those gorgeous little bundles of joy can turn us into a quivering mass of frustration! I also appreciate having Craig around – he’s often a lot more relaxed and calm than me. And, I like the idea of a parenting ‘dance.’
Hi K. you said it i’m embarrassed of how frustrated I can get when most of the time she’s all smiles and I wouldn’t change my place for the world. P. is also much calmer than me not only the dance is important but the complementarity ! thx for your comment 🙂
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To answer your question: Yes! But like you say the timing has to be perfect. If my husband “interrupts” to early I feel that he is interfering, and if he “interrupts” to late I feel that he doesn’t care. I try to be careful as to when I step in, as I know I don’t always know better, and I don’t want to discourage him from taking charge… getting the balance right is very difficult I find.
Hi Asta 🙂 having little ones both of us, we are on the same learning curve and learning how to “dance”, after a year the moves are settling in. but isn’t it crazy how you would have never guessed this to be a challenge when you’re just a well balanced couple who’ve known each other for years !
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Perhaps it’s just that we’ve got 8 1/2 years of practice at it, but my husband and I seem to have this dance down quite well now! 🙂 I think appreciating that also gives each of us more patience to cope with things when the other has to be away – business trips or other long absences.
Aren’t solo parents *amazing*?! I have immense respect for them.
Hi Kate, thx it’s comforting to think that every step we make we learn for the future – at least you should get less stressed out 🙂
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I have a lot of respect for single parents. I could not imagine raising my girls alone. When big girl was little, it was everything in my power not to hand her over to my husband the minute he walk in from work knowing that he needed a little time to unwind before starting the parenting dance. Now that they are a little older, we know more of the steps to this dance. Thanks for sharing your story – this is one that has definitely happened to us all.
Hi A Roselyn It’s great being able to get feedback from mothers who’ve past this stage. I remember when I was learning to drive and I thought I would never get it. Hopefully we – inexperienced mothers – will get to that comfort zone soon ! thx
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Thank you for your honest post, Ambre! And for what it’s worth, I had a moment last weekend when I told my husband I needed him to step in and entertain our 2 boys for a few minutes. I then went into our water closet, shut the door, sat on the floor in the dark, cried hard for 5 minutes, got up and then resumed regular mommyhood. I love my kids, but I needed a release after a string of very frustrating events. And in those moments, like you, I think about single parents with awe. I feel so lucky to have a supportive partnet to call off the bench!
Oops! Partner… not partnet!
Thank you Tara for sharing that… really… it’s soo reasuring to know that it happens to other caring mummies.
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Oh, sister we’ve *all* been there! It takes a finesse, skill and maturity to let your other half step in! So you’re already better off than when I first started out!
I also really loved what you wrote about hats being totally and completely off to the single parents who don’t have this privilege. Serious AMEN to that!