My childbearing days are over. There, I said it. Now I can move on and go about my life as normal.
Sigh.
If only it were that easy.
Being raised in the Southern United States, specifically Arkansas, the long standing joke is that we are all hillbillies and women are kept barefoot and pregnant. In reality, we are actually a modern society with running water and indoor toilets. However, as a woman, from a young age our focus is trained on marriage and motherhood, specifically in that order.
As I have described in previous blogs, nothing about my life has followed the norm. Blame it on a wild streak, a sense of adventure, or more likely, plain old low self-esteem, take your pick. Out of wedlock, heck out of any steady relationship, I gave birth to three beautiful children. They are my greatest accomplishments. Yet, there is nothing prideful in having three children by two different men in a society that frowns upon such things.
Watching all of my childhood girl friends get married and settle in to domestic life, I can admit now that I had moments of jealousy. Looking back, I can see that I never held out for love because I didn’t believe that I deserved such treatment. I settled. And then settled again. My twenties passed me by in a haze of less than stellar single-motherhood.
I regret that I shortchanged my children due to my poor decisions. Their earliest years, while surrounded in love, were spent without a father. Perhaps that fuels my longing for another child so that I have the chance to do it “right”. Because, regardless of where we live, don’t all women strive for the white picket fence? Isn’t that ingrained in us from the moment we are born?
After the death of my second child, Elijah, I knew that I would give birth again. My family felt complete once my third son, Caleb, was born. Yet, for reasons that I can’t explain, I continuously believed that I would have at least one more child. Something deep in my psyche told me that I needed to experience this with a husband.
Fast forward to today. After wading through years of toxic relationships, in 2007, I met the man who made my tumultuous past worthwhile. We have plans to marry and now that we are both pushing 40, we believe that our relationship thrives due to our maturity.
Between us, we have four boys; my two, who are 15 and 9 and his two, who are 19 and 16. My beloved is confident that we have enough children. Not only does he not want to have more, but he is physically unable to conceive.
My brain knows that he is the man that shares my future.
My heart is another matter. I love him so very much but I have a hard time accepting that there will be no more babies in my future. I will never experience a pregnancy with a partner to run out and grab ice cream for me. There will be no delivery room memories of him holding my hand and encouraging me to keep going.
The fairy tale of my youth is over. All I can hope for now is a houseful of grandchildren.
Somehow, I have to find peace with this decision. On one hand, is the man that I love and who takes care of me and my boys. On the other is my waning fertility. These two realities fill me with a joyful sorrow that I can barely begin to understand.
Is it acceptable to continue to long for a dream that will never become reality?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Margie Bryant of Arkansas, USA. She can be found on Twitter @TheHunnyB.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/joelleim/5061450482/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Oh Margie, what a beautiful and heart-wrenching post. I’ve felt that ache for another child, and I ached all over again as I read this tonight. I don’t believe there are any answers to your question, not any I can give anyway. Dreams and longings held in ones psyche are there – acceptable or not, reality or not. My very best wishes.
Thank you, I cried as I wrote it, which I think made my Honey feel even more terrible. I knew from the moment we began dating that he coulnd’t have more children. Sometimes, I think he feels like he is keeping me from something that I really want. However, our relationship is so wonderful, I would never trade it. I guess I just need to start dreaming of a different reality.
Oh Margie, what a beautiful and heart-wrenching post. I’ve felt that ache for another child, and I ached all over again as I read this tonight. I don’t believe there are any answers to your question, not any I can give anyway. Dreams and longings held in ones psyche are there – acceptable or not, reality or not. My very best wishes.
I don’t think it is possible to ever stop dreaming… what is it they say “count your blessings” – but this isn’t easy. I guess it is just a matter of keeping it a dream, not an obsession, and not let it affect your life too much… Sorry… I have no answers!
That’s a good point, it definetly isn’t an obsession because the relationship that my Honey and I share is terrific in many ways. Plus, after years of not-so-great mothering, my relationship with my children is in a wonderful place. I think it’s just hard to accept that menopause is not far away and hormones are already wrecking havoc!
We should always, dream, hope, aspire, want, what we shouldn’t do is let those dreams, hopes, asperitions and desires become all we are.. Thank you for the beauty that you have presented here.
Thank you, Rouge. It always means a great deal to me that you enjoy my writing. Mike and I are convinced that you are one of the smartest men that we have ever known.
We should always, dream, hope, aspire, want, what we shouldn’t do is let those dreams, hopes, asperitions and desires become all we are.. Thank you for the beauty that you have presented here.
Thank you, Rouge. It always means a great deal to me that you enjoy my writing. Mike and I are convinced that you are one of the smartest men that we have ever known.
This post struck a chord in me, because I too am done having children. I had always, ALWAYS dreamed of having three kids, and the decision to stop after two was excruciating. Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult.
Well, you know my past, so I think you understand why having another baby is important to me. Perhaps I want to “make up” for the ways in which I wasn’t a good mother to I & C. It’s really selfish in a way because my life has changed for the better in every single way. Thank you for pushing me to write again. 🙂
Margie, the most powerful writing is often the most honest. You are clearly sharing thoughts from your heart and your tale is sad yet triumphant, incomplete yet whole. Thank you for sharing this with us. Believe me, the white-picket-fence isn’t always as fulfilling as you’d think, sometimes it’s just there, like the proverbial closet, to hold our skeletons in. Perhaps there is another way that you and your husband can fulfill the need to nurture together. I’m sure, in time, the answer will reveal itself to you.
Thank you. My Honey and I are certainly busy enough with all of our boys, plus we both work, he has a radio show on the side(his passion & hobby) and I am pursuing a Bachelor’s degree. So really, there isn’t TIME for a new baby. I waited a long time to be loved in the way that he loves me and honestly, I would never trade that just to have another child.
Oh and we have a psychotic cat that we nurture. 🙂
Margie, the most powerful writing is often the most honest. You are clearly sharing thoughts from your heart and your tale is sad yet triumphant, incomplete yet whole. Thank you for sharing this with us. Believe me, the white-picket-fence isn’t always as fulfilling as you’d think, sometimes it’s just there, like the proverbial closet, to hold our skeletons in. Perhaps there is another way that you and your husband can fulfill the need to nurture together. I’m sure, in time, the answer will reveal itself to you.
Oh and we have a psychotic cat that we nurture. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Deciding how many children to have is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult questions in life. I am always impressed with women (men for that matter, too) who know with certainty what the right number is for them. I agree with Asta and believe we should all be thankful for what we have.
Thank you and you are right, I certainly cherish my two boys and miss my son who passed away every single day. I am lucky to have them because certainly, for a number of years, I didn’t deserve them. Maybe I just wonder what having a baby would be like now that I have my life together.
My husband and I are both in agreement on keeping with our current number of kids, but even with my gut level certainty, I still had a good 2 weeks of “but…what if” recently. Always an emotional thing to grapple with. Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. Powerful post!
Thank you, I wanted to write this for a while but didn’t want to hurt my Honey’s feelings. He does not understand my desire for another child, at all. Other than that though, he’s perfect. 🙂
My husband and I are both in agreement on keeping with our current number of kids, but even with my gut level certainty, I still had a good 2 weeks of “but…what if” recently. Always an emotional thing to grapple with. Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. Powerful post!
Thank you, I wanted to write this for a while but didn’t want to hurt my Honey’s feelings. He does not understand my desire for another child, at all. Other than that though, he’s perfect. 🙂
YES! Of course it is! We have a right, and a duty, to mourn whatever our hearts feels! otherwise, it’ll turn into something more unhealthy! Thank you for sharing your story. this post is raw, emotional, perfect.
Margie,
I’m one of 3 kids, and I always thought I’d have 3, maybe even 4 kids. After difficulty getting pregnant and withering through many miscarriages, we are lucky to have the two we have.
So, I have a choice. Be miserable that I could be missing out, or think about how my two girls will have more of my attention throughout life and I can now do more things for and with them, which would be impossible with a larger clan. And, now I’m looking forward to being a mom of two.
Think about the things you’ll be able to do with your children that you wouldn’t be able to do if you had another baby. And, think about how lucky you are to be in a great relationship with your man and imagine your future together with your 4 sons. Sometimes the answer in leaving behind old dreams could be to create new dreams.
Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts, Margie. Your post really made me think!
Veronica Samuels:)