My husband snuggles with our four-year old daughter and asks, “If I get sick, will you take care of me?” She smiles, hugs him around the neck, and says, “Yes, I will take care of you daddy.” I chime in and ask, “If I get sick, will you take care of me?” She smiles and says, “Well, I already have to take care of daddy. Maybe my sister can take care of you.”
I laugh out loud – partly because I’m hurt…she’s such a daddy’s girl…but also because at such a young age, she already seems to understand the responsibility involved in taking care of someone.
This past Monday I hugged and squeezed my parents tightly as I said good-bye to them at the airport after we all spent a wonderful long weekend together in Northern California. I hadn’t seen them since November. As we pulled away, my four-year old asks, “Momma, are you sad?” I answer, “A little bit.” She says, “Why, because you will miss your mommy and daddy?” I say, “Yes.”
I have a close-knit family and a great relationship with my parents – Mami and Papi. We can talk to each other about anything. I talk to Mami everyday and never hesitate to ask her for her advice or opinion on an issue at hand. It was hard for me to relocate to the Northwest U.S. from the east coast because I was putting almost 3,000 miles between us…and it’s gotten even harder after I’ve had my own children.
I am a mother and wife, but also a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. In a way I feel guilty for being all the way out in the Northwest U.S. and not in closer proximity to all of our family (I grew up surrounded by extended family)…but then, I remind myself that we came out here to seize an excellent professional opportunity in order to establish a good life for ourselves (and our future children at that time). Not too different from what our own parents did when they left their homes (my parents immigrated to the U.S. from Venezuela).
I grew up knowing only one grandparent – my paternal grandmother, or Abuela, because all my other grandparents had passed on before I was born. I cherish memories of my Abuela because I grew up near her. I remember she would polish her nails in pastel pinks and loved lilacs. She would take my brothers, cousins and I out for walks.
She made delicious apple pie (granny smiths were her favorite kind of apple) and pan de jamón. I remember how excited Papi would get when she made Hungarian goulash over homemade gnocchi…and we certainly savored it after watching her work in the kitchen a few hours making it.
I want my daughters to have memories like this to cherish. So, despite the distance, my husband and I make the effort to visit with our parents (his parents are also back on the east coast) so that our daughters get to know their grandparents and extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. (Sadly, with the exception of my sister-in-law and her husband, our extended family never makes the effort to visit with us, so if we didn’t make the effort to “make the rounds” when we go back east, we would probably never see them…but I digress, that is another story).
Mami was out here for two months last year when my second child was born, and it was an amazing experience – both for me (I felt SO lucky to have three generations under my roof, and to have her help) and my four-year old, who really bonded with her Abuelita. I loved watching it happen…and now I love when she asks when she will see her Abuelita, or if I can make her some arepas or empanadas like Abuelita makes 🙂
I am in my mid-thirties and in the past year, five friends have lost a parent. It has heightened my awareness to the fact that as time passes, our parents’ health is deteriorating. I especially notice this in my husband’s parents, especially his dad, because they are older than my parents. I sometimes fear that when we visit and say good-bye to our parents, it might be the last time we get to do that physically in person.
(I know, morbid thought, but I can’t help it since that is what happened when my Abuela died.) And, going back to my four-year old’s comment that she would take care of my husband…well, I don’t want to generalize for Hispanic culture in general, but that is a sort of unspoken rule I grew up with in my family – we just don’t put our parents in nursing homes. As they begin to show signs of age, I start to feel that responsibility for my own parents as the only daughter and the oldest of three children.
Aside from moving back east, which we are not prepared to do at this time, I know there is not much more I can do until we are faced with a time when my parents can no longer care for themselves. So, in the meantime, I enjoy our time with our parents to its fullest potential. I also take lots of pictures and talk a lot about our parents to our daughters when we are not all together.
I do wish I was closer in distance, so that I could enjoy more of the day-to-day routines with them and help them more with daily tasks as they age. But, for now, we use modern-day technology to help bridge the distance and visits through the use of phone calls, web cam conversations, text messages, and emails.
What about you? How far away are you from your family, and how do you help your child(ren) connect with their extended family? And, what about your parents? Who will take care of them when they can no longer take care of themselves?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Eva Fannon. Eva can be found on Twitter @evafannon.
Photo is of Eva’s parents with her oldest daughter in Lincoln City, Oregon, USA. Photo credit to Eva Fannon.
Eva Fannon (USA)
Eva Fannon is a working mom who lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her hubby and two girls. She was born and raised on the east coast and followed her husband out west when he got a job offer that he couldn't refuse. Eva has always been a planner, so it took her a while to accept that no matter how much you plan and prepare, being a mom means a new and different state of "normal". Despite the craziness on most weekday mornings (getting a family of four out the door in time for work and school is no easy task!), she wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world. She and her husband are working on introducing the girls to the things they love - travel, the great outdoors, and enjoying time with family and friends. Eva can be found on Twitter @evafannon.
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Eva, you are so lucky to feel that close to your family and to have had the experience of growing-up surrounded by the web of aunts and cousins and grandparents. Craig and I were living in NZ’s largest city, Auckland, and decided fairly soon after I got pregnant with our eldest that we wanted to be near our families. We now live within a 20 minute drive of two sets of grandparents and all but two of the boys’ cousins. The decisions we make are often not easy ones.(I do miss my 93 year old grandmother and aunts and cousins who still live in Auckland.) As ‘older’ parents ourselves, I found your post poignant and wonder what decisions our boys will make when it comes to where they chose to live and raise *their* families.
Karyn ~ I do feel lucky to have grown up with so much family around me. And even though all my cousins are scattered around the U.S. we do keep in touch and look forward to family events, like weddings, to catch up in person. I think it’s wonderful that your children are getting to grow so close to both sets of grandparents and cousins 🙂
And you’re right, the decisions we make are often not easy ones!
This is so nostalgic and has brought back memories of my childhood. I grew up with grandparents and extended family all around me.
Of course we would take care of our parents in their ‘old age’.
My 90 y.o. grandmother is visiting us now and my son is loving his time with his ‘gaet gaenmather’.
Alchemist – aren’t they sweet memories?! I couldn’t picture having grown up any other way. And how awesome for your son to get to spend time with his 90 year old great grandmother!! It makes me sad that my Abuela passed on before I had my girls – it would have melted my heart to see her with them.
This is so nostalgic and has brought back memories of my childhood. I grew up with grandparents and extended family all around me.
Of course we would take care of our parents in their ‘old age’.
My 90 y.o. grandmother is visiting us now and my son is loving his time with his ‘gaet gaenmather’.
Alchemist – aren’t they sweet memories?! I couldn’t picture having grown up any other way. And how awesome for your son to get to spend time with his 90 year old great grandmother!! It makes me sad that my Abuela passed on before I had my girls – it would have melted my heart to see her with them.
My Dad knew his firstborn grandson for all too short a time. Every day I feel saddened that my boys are growing up without a grandfather. And every day I am so grateful that my Dad got hold his newborn grandson and experience the joy of being a grandparent. The boys have both of their grandmothers, and we do whatever we can to nurture their relationships with them.
Great post, very thought-provoking.
Kirsten
Kirsten ~ So sorry for your loss. It’s an interesting point that I hadn’t really thought about…I didn’t really know what it was like not to have a grandfather since both of mine had passed on before I was born…but I do see a special bond between my daughters and my dad. Perhaps I didn’t know what I was missing because the relationship with my Abuela was so good?
And you’re right about there being a special joy in being a grandparent – my parents can’t put it into words, but they love it. Whenever I talk to them on the phone, the first thing they ask is, “How are the girls?” (And with that question they aren’t including me, my husband and I come in as the follow-up question “How are you guys doing?” 🙂 )
Hi Eva, great post – gives us so much to think about! I am also in my mid-thirties (don’t tell anyone!), and our parent are not getting any younger. I am an only-child and we now live close to my parents now, but my husbands parents live in the UK – all well and healthy at the moment so lets hope it stays that way for a long time so that our son gets to enjoy having his grandparents around 🙂
Thanks Asta! It’s nice that at least you live close to one set of parents. And as you say, let’s hope for long healthy lives for all the grandparents 🙂
Eva – I can relate to so, so much of this post. I was even thinking of writing about this very topic and would have touched on so many of your points! Let’s get together for coffee and form our own little long distance family support group 😉
Tara, I LOVE that idea! I’m sure there are many of us here with faraway families!
Kirsten
Tara – we must set up a date/time to meet up for coffee and start our own little long distance family support group!!
And Kirsten, if you happen to be in the Seattle area, ping us and we will meet up for WMB mini get-together/support group 🙂 (The Seattle marathon is in November if you need an additional reason to come out.)
Tara – we must set up a date/time to meet up for coffee and start our own little long distance family support group!!
And Kirsten, if you happen to be in the Seattle area, ping us and we will meet up for WMB mini get-together/support group 🙂 (The Seattle marathon is in November if you need an additional reason to come out.)
I totally understand. I grew up with a lot of family around and always wanted that for my kids. Now, I live 14 hours away from my family and although I love where we live, I miss my family so much and would move closer if we could.
It’s definitely tough – thanks for relating Maggie!
It’s definitely tough – thanks for relating Maggie!