I seem to have a knack for doing things backwards. Where most people choose a career, go to college, and then get a related job, I went to college, got a totally unrelated job, and then decided what career I would actually like.
Where most people meet a guy, fall in love, get married, and have kids, I met a guy, fell in love, had kids, went through relationship difficulties, fell in love again, and finally got engaged (watch from about 4 minutes). And now, ten years and two children after meeting my soul mate, I am less than five weeks away from marrying him.
The benefit of having done things in reverse is that this way, I get to have my kids in my wedding party. They are going to be adorable. My soon-to-be mother-in-law, who has created a masterpiece of a wedding dress for me, is making matching suits for the boys, which they will wear as they walk down the aisle as ring-bearers.
It’s not quite as simple as it sounds, though. I realize that anytime you include children in a wedding party, you should be prepared for the unexpected, but where my kids are concerned, there are some extra challenges…
James (5) is a highly energetic child who never stops talking. He’s probably going to try breakdancing down the aisle while he offers the congregation a running commentary about Roary the Racing Car. But, with plenty of practice and some high-quality bribery, I think he will do all right.
We are going to need a lot more coordinated planning to get George (7) through the day. Because of his autism, he has a very hard time with changes in routine, and he’s going to have to deal with plenty of that in the days leading up to the wedding. There will be out-of-town guests arriving, people who George is unfamiliar with trooping around the house, and frenetic levels of activity as last-minute details get worked out. It will be a lot for him to handle, and that’s before we even get to the chaos of the wedding day itself.
On paper, this looks like a disaster waiting to happen, but we have strategies in place to mitigate the risks.
I know, I know. It sounds as if I am planning a military maneuver. And actually, that’s not far from the truth.
Fairly early in the planning, we realized that we would need to hire a respite worker to take charge of George for the day. Not only for the wedding itself, but for the time during which I will be getting my hair and makeup done, getting dressed, and having a nervous breakdown. I’ll be a little busy. I will need someone else to take on the task of attending to the basic needs of my children.
The respite worker will also be charged with the responsibility of making sure the boys make it from one end of the aisle to the other without breaking something or yelling out “Daddy is a rabbit!” We have it all worked out: when the time comes to exchange rings, the respite worker will walk down the aisle, with the boys on either side of her. We haven’t finished planning out exactly what will happen with the boys after they have presented the rings, but we’ll have to think of something: George in particular is not likely to just stand there patiently while we sign the registry.
Prior to the day, there will be multiple practice runs. We will not have access to the actual aisle until the day of the formal rehearsal, so we will have to make do with the hallway in our house. We will have the boys wearing their wedding day outfits, walking down the hallway with the respite worker, and handing us the rings (for the practice runs, they will not be using the actual rings, but rather, Lightning McQueen ones that came from cupcakes).
We may even have a chat with our minister and ask him if he would let us have a few minutes in the church when no-one is using it. The minister knows that George has autism. He will understand the need for us to introduce George to the church ahead of time.
At the end of the day, though, there’s only so much we will be able to do. We can come up with all of the plans and backup plans and contingencies in the world – something could still happen that no-one expects. For all we know, it could be George who behaves perfectly, and James who has the meltdown. Experience has taught me that the more I plan for disaster, the less that disaster is likely to happen.
Somehow I will make it through these last few weeks and get to my wedding day without going completely loony in the head. I just know that the day will be amazing and special, made all the more magical by the presence of my beautiful children.
Have you ever attended or participated in a wedding where kids were members of the bridal party? What was that experience like?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Kirsten Jessiman of Toronto, Canada. Kirsten can also be found on her blog, Running for Autism.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisada/2638368902. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Congratulations on your wedding and we wish you a great married life 🙂
No, my son has not been so directly involved in a wedding. But he has had his share of being in the limelight and part of parties, celebrations and functions. It has gone pretty smoothly with not much planning.
I wish you guys have a blast on your wedding and no meltdowns happen.
Later, let us know how the day was spent 🙂
Thanks! I think kids like the limelight. They don’t have the social awareness to be shy and self-conscious, and that usually makes them charming participants. Thanks for reading!
Congratulations on your wedding and we wish you a great married life 🙂
No, my son has not been so directly involved in a wedding. But he has had his share of being in the limelight and part of parties, celebrations and functions. It has gone pretty smoothly with not much planning.
I wish you guys have a blast on your wedding and no meltdowns happen.
Later, let us know how the day was spent 🙂
I am sure you will have an amazing day no matter how it goes! Kids running around and not doing what they are supposed to is normally quite charming and I am sure everybody will understand 🙂 I wish you all the best with your planning, and hope you get to enjoy your day fully!
You have a point – the whole point of including kids is to add an element of cuteness and take away from the stuffiness that can be present at these occasions. Thanks for the comment!
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! It’s so wonderful your children will be participating. Two of my siblings had my twin nephews as ring bearers when they were under 10 years old, and it worked out. Of course things can happen, but I find the guests will oooh and aaaah over little boys dressed up and find them charming whether they make it down the aisle or not. I hope all goes well for your whole family on the big day!
Thanks, Tara!It is true – the boys will look so darned cute in their matching suits. They’ll probably get more attention than the bride LOL!
I loved the citizenship and engagement clip, it was very touching and made your post so personal.
Since many of our friends seem either to be marrying later in life or having second marriages, we have been to a number of ceremonies with children in them. I think the children make a formal occasion like a wedding more hopeful and engaging for all in attendance. Hopeful because children represent the best one can wish for out of a beautiful union and engaging because everyone secretly hopes that a child will do something cute or remarkable that will create a lasting memory for them (I know you worry that George will do something remarkable that might cause disruption or be a deterrent but it won’t seem that way to your guests…) My advice: the only people who ever know what went wrong or was missing at a wedding are the ones who planned it.
Whatever happens, it will be great and in the end, James and George’s mom and dad will also be husband and wife. Congratulations!
You know, we’ve been living together for so long that in practical terms, marriage probably won’t change anything. But I really do feel that for the first time, we will feel like a real family. Sounds crazy, I know! Thanks for the comment!
I loved the citizenship and engagement clip, it was very touching and made your post so personal.
Since many of our friends seem either to be marrying later in life or having second marriages, we have been to a number of ceremonies with children in them. I think the children make a formal occasion like a wedding more hopeful and engaging for all in attendance. Hopeful because children represent the best one can wish for out of a beautiful union and engaging because everyone secretly hopes that a child will do something cute or remarkable that will create a lasting memory for them (I know you worry that George will do something remarkable that might cause disruption or be a deterrent but it won’t seem that way to your guests…) My advice: the only people who ever know what went wrong or was missing at a wedding are the ones who planned it.
Whatever happens, it will be great and in the end, James and George’s mom and dad will also be husband and wife. Congratulations!
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!
A friend of mine paid their OT to come to their wedding, in case of a melt down and also just to be there with their son during the reception, as all the people and commotion can be over stimulating for him. They have a good relationship with her and she knew what to do and how to handle things, even if he simply needed a break for a while. It was better for them to have her help and soothe him, then to have a well meaning parent or relative do something that would actually make things worse. It also gave them the ability to celebrate at their reception.
Just thought I would pass that along.
Thanks, Maggie! We interviewed a respite worker yesterday, and both kids took to her immediately. We are hoping to have her at the reception to be in charge of the kids, even to bring them home and settle them in their own space if things get a bit much for them. We deliberately chose a reception venue very close to home for that purpose.
Congratulations from me too. (I’ve been out of circulation for a while and am just trying to catch up a little.) It sounds as if you are doing everything you possibly can to make sure it’s a great day for the boys too. It is great that they will be there.