Kayli and I sit side by side at our kitchen table.
Her hair glistens auburn and I think, You’re so pretty.
She cracks a clever joke and I respond, You’re so funny.
She completes her assignment and I smile, You’re so smart.
On the surface these are words of love meant to hold her close. But digging a little bit deeper and thinking a titch more long-term, these are impossibly high standards that no one –no one– can live up to.
I learned this lesson in college when I studied how efficiently words mold.
I learned it again in graduate school when I read everything that I could get my eyes on about self-esteem.
I learned it yet again as a teacher when I took courses about building student confidence.
And I forgot it all once I became a mother.
Intoxicated by newness and adoration, I fell in love with my babies more than I ever thought possible. They pulled at my heartstrings and brought out the protector in me that I didn’t even know was there.
I wanted to build them up. Toughen them up. And love them up. I needed to surround them with nothing but goodness and strength.
What I knew as a teacher, I forgot as a mother.
My friend Dana, a phenomenal teacher and mother, reminded me to keep learning and continue practicing parenting when she posed, “People read and learn everything they need to know about jobs and hobbies, but when it comes to parenting, when was the last time that most people read a book? Heard a speaker? Changed what they did simply because it wasn’t working?”
Right.
So I did exactly what Dana suggested. I heard national speaker Erin Walsh, author David Walsh‘s daughter, speak about teaching our children respect and self-discipline in the 21st century. And among the many gems that I gleaned, the information about helpful versus hurtful compliments really stuck with me.
Sometimes we just want to snuggle our kids and tell them that they’re loved to the moon and back again. We should give into that desire. Often.
But praise is different. When it comes to flattery, there is a technique to be used. Below are four tips to compliment our children in order to build their self-esteem.
4. Praise specifically. Use praise to point out exactly what you saw that was good. You’re so pretty tells my children what I think of them, which is only moderately important. I can tell how much you brushed your hair tells them about grooming, which to me is an important skill.
3. Praise sincerely. So often we compliment as a reflex. Look your child in the eye and mean what you say. As an adult, I can distinguish between thoughtful and “just saying it” compliments. I bet that you can, too. Which one means more to you?
2. Praise intermittently. That’s nice, I love it, great job just aren’t always necessary. Love all the time, praise with a purpose.
1. Praise the effort, rather than the ability. Look for repeatable actions. You’re so good at baseball-cooking-Math– is not repeatable and feels impossible to attain if a new skills is difficult to learn. You worked really hard on that! is repeatable and actionable. When you give this compliment your child will know exactly what to do next time in order to do well. She or he will know to do their best.
Teaching the value of working hard was by far my biggest take away from the evening. It’s not always a choice to be good at what you try. But, it is always a choice to try hard and work hard. And, that is a value that we can teach our children via compliments.
What do you think about purposeful compliments? Have you tried this method? Has it worked for you?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Galit Breen. Galit is a Mama of three writing her first book about raising children spiritually outside of religion. Galit can be reached regularly at These Little Waves, by e-mail galitbreen@gmail.com, Twitter, and Facebook.
Photo credit to Lori Davis.
I can so much relate to this. Especially the points, 1 and 2. My son is working hard on his swimming lessons, trying to grasp each little move, each little stroke and I somehow felt I should not over praise him in wanting to encourage him. And then I stopped telling him you swim so well. I just started telling him, you bore the cold so well, you tried so hard. The instructor seemed to be pleased, etc. Now I know it was correct.
Thanks for this post 🙂 I enjoyed it very much and it is useful.
Thank you so much for your kind words and the connections that you made! HOORAY for your son, and HOORAY for you, Mama!
Wise words Galit. I think for most mothers, at least for first time ones like myself, flattering our children comes more easily than thoughtfully praising. We cheer them on in every little milestone and make a big deal out of every small accomplishment. I guess the question is, where do we draw the line between outright flattering and constructive praise? Lots to think about! Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Alison! Yes! I was right there with you complimenting my little heart out! There’s a time and place, as well as a balance, to everything, right? Thanks again for your words!
What amazing words of wisdom and so true. I think we all know these things but as mothers we are so wrapped up in our children ‘who can do no wrong’ that we sometimes forget.
Thank you for the reminder because the reality is we all need to be told the specifics of what we’ve done well, not just our children because words can sometimes be empty.
Hi Fiona! Thanks so much for your comment! I agree completely that this is the kind of praise that we all need. I especially liked the way that you described empty words- so very true! Excellent to hear from you!
Galit, this is such an important post!
I have just finished reading ‘Nurture Shock’ which points out that children who are told they are clever tend to under-achieve, whereas those who are told they are hard-workers tend to achieve. The reasoning being that we can’t control our level of cleverness. Kids praised for being clever don’t try things they won’t immediately succeed at or give up when things get tough. But we can control how hard we work, kids praised for their hard-work (when they work hard) step up a gear when things don’t immediately go their way.
Which is exactly what you said too, but I was so excited that I repeated what you said. 🙂 I have been using this with our kids and it does seem to work really well.
I did the exact same thing! Responded quickly because I was so excited to agree with you! 🙂
We have been trying to make this a habit, too, and really see a difference in the efforts that our children are making!
Thanks again for your comment!
Yes! This! This is exactly right! Thanks for wording it so eloquently, and for the book reference! Great to hear from you!
Good tips! Yes, we do both. While working with my oldest on different things, his OT brought this up, so we became very conscious of what we said.
I’m with you 100%- balance is key! I love that you’re working as a cohesive team with your son’s OT- so important! Thanks so much for the comment!
I have heard about this before – but keep forgetting it! I am always thinking (and sometimes saying) things like – you are so clever, so smart, so handsome and so on and so on. Great post and thanks for the reminder!! 🙂
Thanks so much for the support Asta! Yes, you and i are in the same boat- we know, but we forget! Let’s keep reminding each other, okay? 🙂 Great to hear from you!
Galit,
So glad you brought this topic up! I struggle with how to say the right compliments, definitely! I’m reading the book “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, which is on this topic. I haven’t gotten very far with an 8 week old in the house, and I’ve renewed it 3 times at the library, but I’ll get there! This is definitely something I want to learn more about — great post!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Veronica! Thanks so much for your comment! With a new baby in the house I’m impressed that you read *this* much less a whole book!
Speaking of that book, it sounds like a must read! Thanks so much for recommending it and, of course, for your kind words!
I’ll have to remember this! My baby is only 6 months old but I’m always singing to her how sweet and cute she is 🙂 I can’t help it… her face lights up with pleasure!
I think that you are doing the exact right thing for your little one! That lit up face tells all- she’s getting exactly what she needs right now! Thanks so much for the comment!
Well stated, Galit! I was just thinking about this the other night. I too fall into the trap of giving constant general adoration, but being specific is so important to make the lessons stick. I learned that in management in the business world, and I too forget about it at home. But my husband and I are getting better at it. For instance, we try to make an effort to not just praise the work my son brings home from school(“oh, pretty” or “good job”) but instead state things like, “I can see how hard you worked on this. Were there many steps to complete it?” to which my son lights up and walks through everything he had to do. He praises himself now when he does a big project at school by saying, “Mom…I am so proud because I worked so hard on this and was able to complete it today and bring it home!”
Hi Tara! Thanks so much for the comment. I really love the examples that you gave with your son! It’s amazing to see them proud of themselves right in front of our eyes, isn’t it? Well done, Mama! Well done, indeed! 🙂
Hi Tara! Thanks so much for the comment. I really love the examples that you gave with your son! It’s amazing to see them proud of themselves right in front of our eyes, isn’t it? Well done, Mama! Well done, indeed! 🙂
I need to work on my praising in many different ways. Sometimes it is easy to just spit out the praise and walk away but was it really helpful to my child and was it even specific, usually not. These are some good tips for me to work on. I think I’ll start with number one.
Jessica, thanks so much for being here! I love how quick you are to take this in and take action!
I’m working on the same exact strategy right now- complimenting hard work versus natural skill. it’s almost second nature now and I so see the effects on the efforts my kids are putting into things!
Thanks again for your words!
I am working on this. It is has made a difference in my son’s willingness to learn to read. He thought because he is smart reading should be easy. Then he was calling himself dumb. I thought “uh oh” this praise is backfiring. So now my praise is centered around how hard he works. But I cannot take the “good, excellent, good job” out of my speech. It’s like the preface that I say (automatically) before saying “you are working hard,” etc. Trying to change the habit of praise is harder than it seems!
Cori! I so love your thoughtful example! It makes so much sense and I *know* that you’ve thought it out and made it work for your kids and family! Love it, lady! And thanks so very much for being here!
I am working on this. It is has made a difference in my son’s willingness to learn to read. He thought because he is smart reading should be easy. Then he was calling himself dumb. I thought “uh oh” this praise is backfiring. So now my praise is centered around how hard he works. But I cannot take the “good, excellent, good job” out of my speech. It’s like the preface that I say (automatically) before saying “you are working hard,” etc. Trying to change the habit of praise is harder than it seems!
YES YES YES, GALIT!!!! I’m SO with you! I’m very careful not to do the over-praise thing. I really cringe when I’m at a little league game or something like that and both parents yell out, great play, when it was a lousy pitch and/or a lousy swing. You don’t have to yell out–YOU SUCK. 😉 But not everything is “great.”
Loved this!
Nina, YES! I love your example- it’s such a perfect one- so common and easy to fall into!
And for the record- I so spit out my coffee reading the “YOU SUCK” example!
Thanks so much for the visit and comment!
Hello my friend!! 🙂
Your article led me to a new, wonderful place to visit. Thanks for that!
I agree 100% with this view. I wish I could disagree because that makes this dialogue a little more fun but, alas, I can’t. Not this time. 🙂
The quote I could totally identify with?
“I wanted to build them up. Toughen them up. And love them up. I needed to surround them with nothing but goodness and strength.
What I knew as a teacher, I forgot as a mother”
When I’m in parenting mode vs. teacher’s mode I can lose objectivity. (Of course as a teacher I can lose a bit of that when it comes to “MY kids” in class). I do agree that a sincere compliment on effort is so much more meaningful than many of the flowery ones. Even our kiddos know when we are connected, in the moment, and totally sincere with our words.
Thanks for sharing…feel like a mojito?? 🙂
“
Kristi! I am so glad that you’re here!
I’m so with you- teacher mode is so different than mom mode!
And sincere compliments- YES! They, for sure, foster stronger more authentic relationships with everyone.
And last, but not least, mojitos? For sure!
Thanks so much for being here!
I couldn’t agree with you more! Specific comments like “You worked hard on that” or “How did it feel to finish your project?” really make the kids think about what they’ve accomplished in terms that don’t just make them feel so-this or so-that.
Great post.
Sherri, hi! Thanks so much for the comment and perfect examples! I so adore seeing my kids stand a little bit taller and feel a little bit stronger with those kinds of words and questions.
Thanks so much for your words!
I couldn’t agree with you more! Specific comments like “You worked hard on that” or “How did it feel to finish your project?” really make the kids think about what they’ve accomplished in terms that don’t just make them feel so-this or so-that.
Great post.
My husband just read an article about praising the effort — it was very interesting and so timely with your post. It’s definitely harder than giving them the (well-deserved) “good job” but it really does make a lot of sense to encourage their effort. I’m going to reread this post so that my efforts in this regard are praise-worthy. : )
My husband just read an article about praising the effort — it was very interesting and so timely with your post. It’s definitely harder than giving them the (well-deserved) “good job” but it really does make a lot of sense to encourage their effort. I’m going to reread this post so that my efforts in this regard are praise-worthy. : )
I love your insta-application of the skill! *Definitely* praise-worthy in my book!
I also really love that you and your husband both read up on parenting and *gasp* discuss it, too!
Thank you so much for your visit and words- I so appreciate both!
I need to work on my praising in all of these ways. I loved “when was the last time that most people read a book? Heard a speaker? Changed what they did simply because it wasn’t working?” – that hit me right in the gut (in a good way!). I used to do SO much reading before my first son was here and I haven’t picked up a parenting book, heard a speaker, etc. on parenting since then. Something I need to do.
Elena, hi! Thanks so much for being here!
Yes! I felt the exact same way when I heard that about reading and learning! The next on my list is Nurture Shock- *everyone* from all parts of my world keeps bringing it up. I think it’s a sign!
As always, I so appreciate your words and in it with me-ness! Thank you for both! XO
I just placed a hold on Nurture Shock at the library – sounds like a must-read!
What a great post Galit…
– your words SO resonated with me “Intoxicated by newness and adoration, I fell in love with my babies more than I ever thought possible. They pulled at my heartstrings and brought out the protector in me that I didn’t even know was there.”
– and you gave me a great reminder “Teaching the value of working hard”.
Thanks!
Thanks so much Eva! Your support and kindness mean the world to me! And yes, that adoration is really somethin’ isn’t it?! 🙂
What a great post Galit…
– your words SO resonated with me “Intoxicated by newness and adoration, I fell in love with my babies more than I ever thought possible. They pulled at my heartstrings and brought out the protector in me that I didn’t even know was there.”
– and you gave me a great reminder “Teaching the value of working hard”.
Thanks!
Thanks so much Eva! Your support and kindness mean the world to me! And yes, that adoration is really somethin’ isn’t it?! 🙂
Great post!! I just read an article about this a few days ago, where the author hightlighted the importance of praising the effort the child had to do something (“You worked so hard on this drwaing!”) and not specfific qualities (“you draw so well”)