Several years ago, when I was in college, my whole vision of my future was about making a career.
I wanted to be independent and free. I wanted to be free from my, at some point, pathological father and cold as a stone mother.
I wanted to achieve something on my own and be proud about it.
I went to London for a summer break and worked as a waitress 15 hours a day, barely knowing English. I went to Germany and worked installing hardwood floor. (I know!!!)
Very close to the last year at University, I already knew I was not going to use my degree, as it is useless. Mass Media Education. Go figure!
Anyway, I became involved in two radio stations. I loved it so much that I didn’t see anything besides it. I wasn’t working there, it was an internship. I worked my butt off to show how much I loved this work. Everybody liked what I was doing, and the bigger appreciation was when I was asked to stay on with one of the stations.
Then, the horror began.
As an employee, I was too rebellious. I would say out loud if something was not fair… Once my boss called me a stupid young b*tch just because I told him that he treats people like… zero… and it’s not gonna fly with me.
The next week I got fired.
The only thing I regret is that I didn’t quit the day I had that argument with him. My mom said, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have shut my mouth and gotten back to work. She told me that a boss is a boss, and I should listen to him, or at least not argue with him, even if he’s wrong. Is that right?!
After that I had two more jobs. One, I hated because of the boss, who sexually harassed his young employees (he still does that). It happened to me, and later, I figured it happened to the next girl that came after me. I asked her if she would be willing to go to the police with me, but she wouldn’t. My home town is not a big town. People gossip and know each other. They know this guy, and most of them like him, as he is one of those famous business guys.
When I quit that job my mom was terrified and so angry. She loves and respects that guy!!! Seriously! I didn’t tell her anything about what happened. I said I’m leaving Poland in a few months, and I want to travel and work with my friends organizing an Art Festival. From the person who interviews people, I switched to being a person who was interviewed all the time. I worked as a spokeperson.
During those few months, I traveled through Germany, Switzerland, France and Spain (and back) hitchhiking. After that, I left to come to the US to become a nanny for gay parents with twins.
Today, I am a mom. A stay-at-home mom. I cook, bake, clean around like crazy cleaning lady…
…and I have lots of time to spend with my husband and daughter.
My mom thinks that I’m lazy, that I have it too good and that I’m getting too comfortable without having a job. She didn’t have that, she says. She worked hard almost 35 years (sometimes on Saturday or Sunday) to put food on the table and send me and my siblings to college.
Polish women work hard. The term “stay-at-home-mother” is known only to the richest; and, on the other hand, young women are very focused on making a career (as I once dreamed about).
Yes, we are poor, but I am happy that I am able to give to my family what my parents weren’t able to give: my time, myself, my love, my presence. I enjoy cooking and baking, different from my mother, for whom those things were only chores she had to do after a long day of work.
I am proud of myself that I’ve learned not to make their mistakes. I still learn, as motherhood brings those lessons unexpectedly.
For my family, it doesn’t matter that as a ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) I go through a deep depression (+PPD) every few months.
For my parents, problems like that don’t exist. If you are depressed, it means that you are bored and lazy and what the hell is ACOA?!?!? They would also say that I was exaggerating because: “it wasn’t THAT bad.” Even if it was, it couldn’t have any big influence on me or on any of my siblings. They couldn’t be more wrong!
Having those voices in and outside my head all the time is an awful thing. They keep saying: “What’s you life worth without a job? Nothing! You’ll be nobody without job! N.O.B.O.D.Y!”
Really!?!
What do you think!?
How’s your life (or parenting style) different from your parents? If you are a SAHM, does it make you feel worth less!?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mom Photographer from One Mom’s World Reflected in Photographs, California.
Photos one and three credited to the author. Photo 2 taken by the author’s friend with permission to use.
Ewa Samples
Ewa was born, and raised in Poland. She graduated University with a master's degree in Mass-Media Education. This daring mom hitchhiked from Berlin, Germany through Switzerland and France to Barcelona, Spain and back again! She left Poland to become an Au Pair in California and looked after twins of gay parents for almost 2 years. There, she met her future husband through Couch Surfing, an international non-profit network that connects travelers with locals. Today she enjoys her life one picture at a time. She runs a photography business in sunny California and document her daughters life one picture at a time. You can find this artistic mom on her blog, Ewa Samples Photography, on Twitter @EwaSamples or on Facebook!
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I am a SAHM and I dont think I am a nobody. And neither are YOU. You are a wonderful woman who wants to give the best you can in your way, to yourself and your children.
Being SAHM we can still do a lot of things. We can take up photography (like you have already done), blogging, writing, painting, even some desk job which you can do from home. We can be Work at home moms. We can also take up things which are not financially remunerative, but gives us a sense of fulfilment and joy. I mean, the world is definitely a beautiful place, if only people had less of judgements to pass around.
And this is absolutely a beautiful post and I love it.
thank you a lot! you know, for ages it was normall that women would stay at the house taking care of the children, the house, and working outside husband. Today if woman decided to stay at home if feels like she owns an explanation WHY she DECIDED TO DO THAT. It’s weird.
I was a SAHM when my children were young. We were poor and we struggled from week to week, but the time spent with my children made us rich in love.
You are not NOBODY, you have a voice here at WMB and you have a gift in your photography. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a wonderful role model.
Never doubt in your own ability to be someone special, this has nothing whatsoever to do with where you work or don’t work and everything to do with your belief in yourself and your ability to be amazing! You just need to drown out those nasty voices with your own positive messages.
My favourite quote by Goethe sums up my thoughts ‘Whatever you can do or dream you can do, then do it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now!’
Good luck with achieving your dreams, because if you believe you can – then you will
Fiona, thank you for such an amazing and inspiring comment! I appreciate the support!
Wow. Powerful piece.
I don’t know if I was reading the tone wrong-which is easy to do when you are reading not talking-it feels like you have a lot of anger towards your parents that you are holding on to.
It seems like your values of fairness, morality and family are very important to you. Maybe the issue is that your parents have a set of values that are a bit different than yours and you are still trying to live up to their priorities even though yours are different than theirs.. I am not sure they will ever see it your way.
Good luck and whatever you do in life, remember to do the thing that feels good to you.
thank you, Susie!
You know, it’s not anger (but it used to be). Now is more like melancholy about my past and my relatioship with my family. And my parents velues are more than a bit different from mine. Sometimes I wonder how did that happen that in one family the person can grow so much apart from the rest. But you’re right I’ve tried to live up to their priorities… but I think that there is a point where you have to say: “you know what? I’m different person, I am who I am, and I’ll never be ok with who I am.” The most important thing is to be ok with yourself, and that is what I’m trying to work on these days 🙂
I ment:(…) I am who I am, and THEY’ll never be ok with who I am.”
I am a SAHM (first time I read that abbreviation. The word Sahm in Arabic means arrow btw. Just thought that was interesting lol). A lot of us don’t turn out exactly as our parents or other people want us to be. The secret is turning out how you want to be and work to reach your expectations and be proud of yourself. As mothers we work the longer hours with no pay and we are proud of every minute of it. None of us are nobody’s.
First of all I do not say that “stay-at-home” mothers are nobody’s. It’s not mine opinion, and I bet its’ not mine parents opinion, as well (they just think, I could do something more with my life). I don’t want anybody to feel like I’m judging and saying to all of us, staying-at-home moms: Me (and you) are nobody! No. It’s not what I’m saying. I migh exaggerated a little… or maybe I wrote it in a day when I was really sad and tired of those voices in my head.
I know that I had to write this post in 800 words so many thoughts are not finished! Sorry about that!
The best advice my mother ever gave me was that all children want is your time. Being a SAHM you are able to give your child your time, you can’t put a dollar amount on that!
Wow Courtney, that seems like an amazing piece of advice. And the truth too!
that is a beautiful advice. thanks for sharing it here. it’s very helpfull. thank you 🙂
I really admire your journey and willingness to go to new places and do any job with all your heart and spirit to create a new life just for you….especially with the challenges of parental alcoholism and your own depression. That takes such strength. And now you are a SAHM (as am I), which also takes amazing strength. Cheers to you and your choices!
Tara, thank you for your kind words. I’m really grateful to be a part of such a great community.
That thing with going new places is like I try to run away from or toward something. It’s been that way all the time. I get somewhere I stay there for a while, and then I want to move. My husband is afraid that we won’t be able to put roots down in one place. So far we don’t have to because of his job, but someday we will. I hope that till then I’ll stop running and I’ll find the peace within me!
You are so welcome. Also – with your title for this post, I couldn’t help but think of Emily Dickinson’s poem “I’m Nobody. Who are you?” Do you know it? Not saying this sums up your sentiments at all…although I am sure we can analyze any parallels in a different, literary based post. But just for the sake interesting coincidence, here is the poem:
I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They’d banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
Tara, I know this poem. It’s on the first picture of this post 🙂 If you click on it, it will get bigger and you can see it more clearly. 🙂
Ha! Ok…I see it now. I completely missed it when looking at the picture the first time. How funny….well, we’re on the same page then 🙂
Hi Polish Mom Photographer,
Ofcourse, you are someone! We are all someone. I think you are brave in making decisions for yourself. I think it is completely natural for you to feel guilty or overwhelmed when you’re going against the grain, in this case the grain of our culture.
I haven’t felt this way as a SAHM, but I did feel this way when I left work once to try to reassess my career path. I wanted to try to figure out what I really was meant to be doing. So, I left. Many thought I was a failure. Thought I was lazy to stop working, a quitter. Even though I already had a degree, I went back to a local community college to inexpensively take a bunch of classes of topics that I had never explored before. I felt like I needed to stop, and reorganize. I felt that I knew what I was doing. But, no one else could relate and I received a lot of negativity about it. Looking back, I’m really glad that I took the opportunity to do it before I had children! Sometimes, if we can, we just have to stop and smell those roses!
I hope you find confidence in making your own choices with the support of the World Moms Blog community! 🙂
Jen 🙂
Sometimes we just have to stop and smell the roses! Jen, that was beautiful. I also think about going to school again, and get a degree in totally different field. It’ not gonna happen anytime soon, but someday. I still feel like there is many things I could do to fulfill myslef, but for now I just want to a mom, and I really want to enjoy it.
After I wrote this post, again, I thought that it will be a failure. You know, I thought I exaggerated, and people will critisize me for that (again)… but now I feel relieved and even better. Thank you!
Strong post! I think being able to stay at home with our kids (when that is what the mother or father wishes) is a gift for ourselves and our children.
I think, you’re right! thank you!
Mothers shape the brains of their babies and children more than what many of us realise. What mothers in the past have chosen, or been forced into, for their children has shaped our societies. What we choose to do shapes the society to come. That’s not being a nobody.
Hi Karyn! I agree with you! You know, I feel like I’m actually doing very good thing for my child (and I’m planning to have more). I’m planning to home-school them and I’m planning to be with them and help them when they need me, not like my parents. They did not have the time and the opportunity (as well as the energy) to be with us, to teach us, to be interested and very involved in our lifes. Later in my life my mom once told me that she wishes I would be more open with her and talk to her more, but she never has done that with us… so no wonder we were not doing it with her. I do not want that to happen with my children.