The letter arrived in the mail on Saturday. There it sat, long, white and unopened. My heart skipped a beat. No, it wasn’t the anticipated college acceptance or rejection letter. Nor was it a job offer or denial. It was the letter that would represent my young son’s future: His teacher assignment for first grade.
I opened it up quickly with mixed feelings. Who would it be? Would it be who I wanted? Would his newly made friends from Kindergarten be in his class? Or, would he be all alone, faced once again to meet new friends?
As I read the letter, these thoughts raced through my mind, but a deeper, more powerful reaction took over my mind.
I found myself sobbing a river of tears, completely taken aback and overcome by unexpected emotions: Those of sorrow and loss. For this letter confirmed that I would be losing my baby. My son would soon be going off to school for the entire day, away from me, after six and a half years of having him right by my side.
How would I manage without his smile for over six hours of the day? How would my younger daughter, Sophia, adjust to not having her playmate, best friend and occasional antagonist beside her? I realized that I had done what I was supposed to: Raised a confident, independent young child who could easily leave us and head off to school. Yet, for some reason, it all felt bittersweet.
Kindergarten was a relatively small stepping stone. He went from three mornings a week (in preschool) to five (at Kindergarten). No big deal. Of course, I cried that first day when I walked him to school and felt prouder than ever when he stepped off the orange school bus on the way home. But, it really wasn’t a big deal. It was only three short hours a day. His absence gave me time to spend alone with my daughter and also some necessary time for me to be alone by myself. It allowed me to breathe once again, if only for awhile, before the craziness of young children constantly moving, talking, shouting, and crying, struck the house again.
Over the course of the school year, I watched my son grow physically, mentally and emotionally starting the year off clinging sadly to my side and ending it by running off to his newly made friends the instant he saw them. He learned to read, write and do math. His height soared to the sky, reaching the height of an eight-year-old only in Kindergarten.
He learned to ice skate, ski, play hockey, t-ball, ride a gear bike, snow shoe and dive to the deepest depths of the pool. He lost his first tooth, had his first crush, and sung at his first class concert — all bringing tears of joy and pride to my eyes. I watched him grow, changing from a baby to a toddler to a child and a boy. I felt thrilled to be alongside him each and every step of the way.
As a stay at home Mom of two children, we were able to adjust and ease into each year’s slightly changing schedule and routine. Slowly, the kids would be at school a little bit longer, and I would gain a little more time to myself to run, read, write, see friends and do errands. That much needed “me” time was making me happier and feel more like my long lost self after the grueling years of infants, diapers, breast-feeding and constant exhaustion.
However, first grade will be different, as it would be the first time in almost seven years that my son will be in school for most of the day. He won’t be home for lunch or for afternoon play time with his younger sister. We won’t have an entire day to ourselves to go to the zoo, watch a movie on the couch or visit the Children’s Museum. Instead, he will be finishing at 3:40 in the afternoon meaning we will only have an hour or so before dinner to do what we have done for so many years: Play, read, giggle, laugh, smile, cuddle and enjoy each other’s company.
I realize sadly that I will miss him terribly and that the onset of first grade marks the slow, inevitable march towards college, independence and leaving me. I know this sounds selfish and perhaps strange to some moms who can’t wait until their kids are in full day school and are independent. But for me, who had kids relatively later in life, gave up my career and opted to stay at home so I could be with them and enjoy this short special time together, the start of full day school is heartbreaking.
It is not because I don’t have a life outside of my children: I do. A busy life running, hiking, traveling, writing, reading, volunteering, and spending time with my adult friends and loving husband. I will be heartbroken for the end of his young childhood and the time that he will no longer rely on me 24/7 for love, care, support and friendship.
I am so proud of my son and all that he has accomplished, learned and become over the last six and a half years. I truly look forward to watching him grow, learn and become the young man he will eventually be. I’ll be there, along his side, each and every step of the way, loving him, supporting him and being glad that I had the chance to spend these trying, exhausting years of his young childhood at home and together.
For these are the years that have created some of the best memories of my life, that I will hold and cherish within my heart forever.
How do you feel about sending your child off to school? Have you experienced a milestone with your children, such as sending them off to kindergarden, first grade, high school or university?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by thirdeyemom of Minnesota, USA. To read more of her blogs, please visit either www.thirdeyemom.com or www.thethirdeyeworld.com.
Photo credit to the author.
Awww…this is so sweet, Nicole! Let us know how it all goes. It is a new chapter in your life as a mom!
I felt a little worried before my daughter started preschool, so much that the week before I decided that she wasn’t ready and almost pulled her out! But, it was really me, who wasn’t ready! My sister convinced me that my daughter was ready, and I went ahead with it. But, the full day will be tough! Our kindergarden is 1/2 day, but many schools in our area have now gone to full day kindergarden.
Great post, Third Eye Mom! 🙂
Jen 🙂
Thanks Jen! I know I’ll be hanging with my mom friends on Monday feeling sad. Where does the time go? I’m so glad I’ve been able to spend so much time with him and look forward to more time alone with my little girl.
We have full day kindergarten here and I had a hard time. In the end, it went very well and we all adjusted.
This year was 1st great and I went through all the same worry, but once again, all is well. My youngest and I are enjoying our alone time together, since we haven’t had that.
Good luck!! Sure that all will be fine!!
Thanks Maggie! I know things will go fine for him, hard for me, but things will get easier as the weeks go by.
I am going through the same thing right now with my son. He is going into Pre-K (the year before Kindergarten), and it will be almost a full day, starting at 8:25 and ending at 2:00 at the start of the school year and 3:00 starting in Feb. When he started preschool, I felt sad for myself and excited for him. He grew so much last year, and loved school so much, that I am excited to see what this year has in store. But I don’t know how it is possible that my little baby boy has turned into this little man, and will be at school for so many hours a day. I keep worrying over things like “what if he doesn’t finish his lunch?” (he’s a very slow eater), “what if he’s tired and hits a wall before school lets out?” (he gets very cranky and almost unmanageable when he hits that wall), “will his best friend be placed in the same class as him?” (he would be so disappointed in they didn’t)….. They will make it – and will probably be really happy about school once they are there – I am sure our boys will transition into the new routine in the blink of an eye without any problem, while we are there ready to catch them when then fall and help them back onto their own 2 feet (and we will shed more tears about this transition than they will – and that’s ok too).
🙂
This is exactly what I worry about! It is such a relief to know that others feel just like me. I’m sure the transition will be hard but then it will be the new reality for us. Thanks for your comment and encouragement!
I can totally relate to the rollercoaster of emotions. My oldest’s last day at the childcare center she has been atteding for the last 4.5 years was on Friday. I was a teary-eyed mess. This morning I dropped her off at the before/after school program for her new elementary school (she starts full-day kindergarten in early September). I feel as hormonal as I did when I was preganant – I’m an emotional, crying mess. It’s the end of one chapter and beginning of another – they are growing up. What I am learning is that she is way more resilient and flexible than I am:)
Good to hear that it is not just me! I know Monday will be hard but things will get easier and I’m sure we’ll adjust to the new chapter in our lives! I’ll be missing him though.
I’m going through a time of transition with both of my kids! My youngest is going into Grade 1, and next week we will be saying goodbye to the daycare that has been a part of our lives for almost 5 years. At the same time, my eldest, who has autism, is about to graduate from the therapy centre he has gone to for three years. This is the first year of full-time school for both of my kids, and I am filled with mixed emotions. Are they ready for it? Yes, I think they are. Am I ready for it? Ummmm…
Kirsten
Thanks for your reply Kirsten. You are right…I’m sure the kids are more ready for school then the moms. It will be a different life but I’m sure we’ll adjust and things will become the “new normal” again…until my daughter goes to 1st grade two years later!!!! Then I’ll be really emotional!
My daughter had full day Kindergarten last year and it was a difficult day! I made sure I had a girls lunch date set up with other moms who could relate and offer support. I think there are many stages of letting go with our children. This being the first, followed by sleep overs, dating, college, moving out of the house, getting married, and many more I have probably forgot….. it’s hard thats for sure.
But, in another way, your sadness is filled with happiness. You see your child growing up in all these situations and you become very proud and excited for them and their future. In my stages of letting go, I am trying to learn that I cannot always control the situation for my daughter or son. I requested my daughters first grade teacher who I thought would be perfect for her and I did not get her. I was so disappointed and wanted to try to do whatever possible to have the school change it. I realized that this is part of growing up and letting go for me. I cannot always pick my daughters perfect teacher, she needs to learn to work with all teachers/people and I need to allow her to do that. So, I have now found peace with that.
It is definitely difficult to let go, I guess the good thing is it is something we get to do slowly as they grow up. Now, my youngest is three and when he is off to Kindergarten I am sure I will be a puddle again but we just remember to enjoy everyday to the fullest because their will come a day when our children are coming to us for advice about the grandkids first day of school.
Very Good advice Jen. I will remember these words of wisdom!
This is incredibly powerful!
I remember feeling a lot of these emotions when my daughter went to daycare and I went back to work.
I wasn’t ready for someone to have her all day, every day.
Someone to experience all of her new developments while I couldn’t.
As a mom we have the difficult jobs of stepping back.
Beautifully written and so relatable
I agree with the others: what a beautifully written post. It’s tough being Mum some days isn’t it?
I do think that it’s great that your son is six and a half though…most children in New Zealand go to full-time school at the age of five.
I’m trying to imagine this. My son starts preschool in September – 3 mornings a week. I think I’ll be okay with that, because it’s very similar to camps he did this summer (at the same place). But Kindergarten does seem like a whole different thing.
I hadn’t really thought about it in terms of the things you can’t do anymore and their growing up and towards moving out. Sniff.
I relate to all of this. My son is starting full day Kindergarten in 2 weeks (he is about to turn 6 and totally wants to go full day, so we are going for it). I am excited for him in taking this next step but knew this summer was the end of a very special chapter in my life with him. Hugs all around as our little boys (and us SAHM’s) open the next chapter.
Wow! This hits home. First grade starts Monday for my son. He has been in his daycare for 2.5 yrs, even went to kindergarten there. I am so happy he will meet new kids from our neighborhood and have a new chapter in his life. I know I will cry when he gets on that big yellow school bus, but I am most concerned about his little brother. He will go to daycare every day without his big brother, his hero. It’s an hour in the car that they have had together for 2.5 years. Whether they would admit it or not, they are best friends. I often wonder if little bro will feel “left behind.” I don’t know what to do to ease this transition, but I am already dealing with behavior changes.
Today is my older son’s last day at his beloved daycare/school/camp. He is sad to leave his friends (some have been there since infancy!), but excited to go to the “real” school. We have big plans this weekend before we embark on a new chapter in all our lives.
Happy “Back to School” everyone!
I felt like crying on my son’s last day of kindergarden…