I will never forget the moment I walked through my mom’s door to see her sitting on the couch looking so scared, so frail and so child-like.
We looked at each other, tears streaming down both of our faces and we embraced. She was shaking as she uttered one sentence that crosses my mind almost daily:
“Jeni, I will never get to meet your babies.”
It was like an arrow went through my heart at that exact moment.
She had just come back from the doctor and they revealed the results of an abdominal scan that showed multiple tumors in her liver. Her very first words were so typical of a mother’s love – not thinking about herself, her pain and the fear of the unknown, but how she wouldn’t be there for me.
I can’t remember which was worse – when they gave us the results of the biopsy two days later that confirmed Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, or when my mom said those words to me that solidified the one thing we all take for granted – Life.
It was at this exact moment that I had felt true regret, the kind that makes you feel sick to your stomach. I started to feel a hot burning sensation in my body, and I would feel a real pain in my heart for the next few days that only subsided when I was finally able to take a valium. Questions ran through my mind as well as so many fears.
Is my mom really going to die? Why did I wait so long to try and have a baby? Had I been trying hard enough? Is this really happening to me?
Ironically, the very day my mom got those test results, I had an appointment scheduled with a fertility specialist. I had been trying to conceive a baby for over a year with no success. After hugging my mom and reassuring her all would be okay, I left for the appointment and wondered when I would wake up from this bad dream.
Fast forward 6 months later and miraculous things were happening. My mom was responding to treatment and feeling good. I had undergone almost all of the fertility tests, as well as my husband, and nothing was coming up as being wrong. Then I got pregnant on my own and the omen of my mom not meeting my babies seemed like a distant memory. She would be here!
I remember her saying that God sent me this baby because it was going to be a way for me to have something good in my life after she was gone. Sadly, at a little over 9 weeks, I miscarried, and my dream of my mom getting to meet my baby disappeared just like that.
During the last months of my mom’s life, a miracle did happen. I got pregnant on my own after three rounds of failed fertility injections. My mom was able to see my growing belly, attend an ultrasound appointment, and she knew I was having a little boy. He would be the first boy in a family of three daughters and four granddaughters. She was so excited and she prayed every day that she would be here for his birth.
It was a difficult time for me as I watched my mom fight for her life while I tried to enjoy the beauty of the new life growing inside me. I would visit her daily, spending as much time as I could with her, and I would quietly sob and stare at how beautiful she was when she would doze off.
My mom lived 26 months to the day of diagnosis and passed away January 28, 2010, at the young age of 59. I was 35 years old and 6 months pregnant, and it will always be the saddest day of my life. I could have had two babies in the amount of time that she miraculously survived. Why didn’t I make it happen in that time frame? It is hard not to think back about having all of that time, and not “making it work.”
What is it like to lose your mom while pregnant? I think pregnant or not, the loss is indescribable, the pain so deep you cannot make it go away. I recently read a book on loss and the author said that waking up without her mother was like “waking up in a world without a sky: unimaginable.” That is exactly how it feels.
The very person who gave you life is now gone, so how can it not feel like a piece of you has died as well? The months after she passed were empty and lonely. I was so excited to become a mom, but her absence dimmed the light in what should have been the brightest of days. My excitement was tempered, and my body was filled with life, yet, my heart and soul felt depleted.
There are times and events in life that it is normal to have your mom by your side. I missed her at my baby shower, seeing her smile and tears at the hospital, walking through my door when my baby boy first came home. I miss the fact that she will never be able to spoil my little boy because she loved to shop. I miss the fact that she can’t see his perfect little face, cute little toes, amazing smile and infectious laugh. I miss that she never got to meet him, hold him and love him.
As a new mother, I find happiness in the twinkle of my son’s eyes, the smell of his skin and the warmth of his hug. What my mom felt with me, I now feel with my son, and I am confident that he will always have a piece of her in his heart. Mothers give the best blessings in the world – love, light and most importantly, something we should never take for granted – Life.
Is there someone that was once in your life who you wish could have met your children? How do you keep their memory alive?
This is an original guest post for World Moms Blog by Jennifer D’Ambrosio in New Jersey, USA. Jennifer is a working-mom on Wall St. and is a fan of World Moms Blog!
Photo credits to Joe D’Ambrosio and the author.
Lovely well written and heartfelt post. It must be really hard.
I like to see the good in things and I think that it is lovely that you had the kind of relationship with you mother that you were that close and you miss her being there with you. Not all of us are that lucky.
I am sure you are aware of the book motherless mothers, but wanted to link to it just in case. http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Mothers-Losing-Mother-Shapes/dp/0060532467
A friend along with a friend of hers started up motherless mothers organization here in Israel, because the loss of your mother hits hard at points like when you give birth.
Lots of hugs.
Jen,
I cried reading this post. I am so happy that you have written your story for us, and it will be really something so nice to share all your feelings at the time with your son and your future family. You are a strong, lovely person, and thank you for letting me post your story. 🙂
My mom’s mom (my maternal grandmother) died when my mom was a teenager. I often wondered how my mom got through so many life milestones without having her mother around. I think this made her a very strong woman. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Beautifully written post. I am so sorry your mom didn’t get to meet your son, but as you said, she lives on in you both. She will never be forgotten!
I think about these things in relation to my very best friend, who lost her mother when we were in college. She won’t have her there for her wedding day, the birth of her children, etc., But her spirit does live on beautifully in my good friend, and I know that means something.
I am very fortunate that my sons have met both sets of grandparents as well as their great gandmother. We live across the country from them, though, so we do not see them nearly enough. But I have photos and video of the times they have spent together.
Lots of love and peace to you!
Jen, You write beautifully and your Mom would be so proud. The picture is wonderful. She was so full of life and I am so glad that she was a part of my life.
This post touches me to my very soul. My Dad got to see my oldest son when he was a newborn, and he died a year before my second son was born. I catch myself asking why I had my kids so late in life, and why I had to move halfway across the world from my parents. I am struck with the unfairness of my kids growing up with no grandfathers (my father-in-law died when I was expecting my firstborn). My younger son brought tears to my eyes a few days ago when he said, “Mommy, I wish I had a grandpa.”
Thank you for sharing these memories that are both painful and beautiful. May your mom rest in eternal peace and watch over you with love and pride.
Kirsten
I cried when I read this. It’s beautifully written and I really love how it’s straight from your heart. Thanks for sharing such an important and personal aspect of your life.
this is a beautiful post, straight from the heart
the top photo is so poignant
Jen- this is a truly wonderful post. I’m sure your mother is so proud of both your baby boy and the wonderful caring, generous, woman you are each and every day. I am so lucky to have stumbled across you! Come to Charlotte soon – champagne’s on me! xoxoxo
wow. that was stunningly and heartwrenchingly written. Thank you for laying your heart out so transparently in your storytelling and letting us into your deep emotions and internal dialogue. Im so sorry for your loss, and so grateful for your contributing this post to this site.
What a tragic story. My mother passed away a few years before I had my son and although my pregnancy was mostly a happy time there were times when I missed her so so much, and even more so after he was born. I found myself with all these questions I wanted to ask her, questions only she could answer. Now that she’s gone I feel there is so much about her I didn’t know and now I can’t know. I will do my best to tell my son about his wonderful grandmother and I’m sure you are doing the same.
Hi Jen,
This post is beautiful. I am thinking of you and know that your mom is looking down on you and your beautiful family. I like to think that our mom’s had the opportunity to meet in heaven.
xo
Jennifer – thank you for sharing your story. It was quite moving and made me cry…I cannot imagine my life without my mother! My only living grandparent, (all the others had passed on way before I was born), my paternal grandmother died a coupld of years before my first child was born. I miss her greatly and so often wish she had been alive so that my daughters could meet the amazing woman she was. I have pictures of her around our home and try to explain to my oldest (who just turned 5) who she was and the wonderful memories I have of her.
Jen,
That was an amazing post. The bond you have with your Mom was so special, I know you are sharing this same relationship with your baby! You are such a passionate person that we all feel your love. I know you miss your Mom terribly, but know she is watching over you, your son & your entire family every day.
I will never forget that 5 days before she passed away she sent me birthday wishes on my facebook wall. She was always thinking of others, even in her greatest time of need.
I am so glad you shared your story, even though it made me cry, first thing in the morning.
-Wendy
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. My own mother lost her father when she was pregnant with me, and her mother followed him when I was six weeks old, having only held me once. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been, to lose both parents within a few months of becoming a parent.
My father is in his seventies, and his age is one of the many reasons I didn’t want to wait too long to have kids.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. We have one child and part of my desire to have another is that I’m afraid my children won’t grow up with their grandparents. My parents were older when they had me, and I started later than some people as well.
My heart breaks for you. Just so sad. But I still believe she will know your children – just not in the same way you’d hope.
Jen, this is so beautiful!!! I know your mom is with you and Luke every single moment of every day…..The love she gave to you will forever live in your heart and you will pass that love along to your son as well! xoxoxoxo