When Germaine Greer wrote The Female Eunuch, at the height of The Feminist Revolution, she suggested that motherhood should not be considered a substitute to a career. By the time she wrote The Whole Woman in 1999, she had done a complete 180 degree turn and called for proper state-funding for Stay at Home Mums.
She realised full-time mothering is as valuable to many women as being in paid work. She also realised there were benefits to society as a whole.
Children who feel well attached to their mothers do better at life. They make better decisions; they chose more mature friends and partners, and their relationships are more likely to last; they have a work ethic which is balanced with a sense of play; they are physically healthier and they have a stronger sense of community. And becoming properly attached takes intense commitment from one main carer for a long time.
Of course, just being at home doesn’t automatically mean that we’re doing the job that our children need us to do. Likewise, being at home doesn’t have to mean being a house-slave or turning off our brain. Attachment Theory (the science) suggests that a great mother is one who understands (intellectually or not) what her children need, according to their biology, and does her best to provide it. When she can’t manage the full-time commitment (or chooses not to make it), she is the woman who finds nurturing care for her child and does what she can to connect when she is at home. Great attachment can happen, and often does, but it’s a much more emotionally demanding experience for mothers when they aren’t around 24/7 for the first few years.
Truly giving children the emotional support their biology demands, especially in the first three years, is tough going for many of us. What we can give emotionally and consistently is largely dependent on the amount and degree of positive emotional experiences we have received. It’s the difference between intellectually understanding that we are loved by our parents, and feeling/knowing/living that experience of love. Rememberng that our mothers had their own burdens to carry, and as adults we can make sense of their stories and understand they did the best they could at the time.
It’s much easier to understand how difficult things may have been for our mothers, when we’ve been mothers ourselves. We’ve all lived it: the act of mothering can be overwhelming, intense and, at times, threatening to our sense of self.
It seems odd to our modern-day western lives that the biology of human babies is so intensely demanding of their mothers. Of us. For many women it seems unfair. But equally, human biology never expected that we would have to mother in isolation or that we would have to do everything. Alone. Or that we would have to make the unnatural choice between our children and social isolation, and paid work and social contact.
Modern women were told we could do anything.
Which evolved into – we should do everything.
And now many of us have no option: we have to do everything.
The point? Well, to me, the main tenents of feminism are: honouring and respect women’s bodies; equity; and choice. Western women did not have the choice to work or to be educated in the past. Now many of us do not have the choice to stay at home and be a full-time mother for as long as we want to.
10 years ago in New Zealand when I was pregnant with our eldest son, the average single income could service a mortgage or pay the rent and still feed and clothe a family. Because of this, we have a much smaller mortgage than most people, and I have been able to choose to stay at home. It’s been tough going at times and luxuries are definitely luxuries – but I am content with my decision. Since we bought, house prices have more than doubled. Most New Zealand women cannot be at home with their children beyond basic maternity-leave for financial reasons. I understand this means we have ‘caught up’ with the rest of the western world. I am not convinced it’s progress.
In light of all this, here’s my questions for you all:
Have we traded supression by men for suppression by economics?
Did you have the choice to stay at home with your children for as long as you wished?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Karyn Van Der Zwet of Napier, New Zealand. Karyn can also be found on her blog, kloppenmum on twitter @kloppenmum and on facebook: Karyn At Kloppenmum. This photo is attributed to Karyn Van Der Zwet.
References:
The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer, Anchor Books 1999
The Developing Mind, Daniel J Siegel, Guilford Press, 1999
Becoming Attached, Robert Karen, Oxford University Press, 1994
I think the biggest problem is that we think we know what we want. Like when I got married I wanted to do all the housework. Now I don’t and it has been hard un-training my husband.
I think we are our own biggest enemies because of the demands we make on ourselves because we think we should do things or because we think others expect us to. (Often they don’t, we just make the assumption that they do).
I agree, Susie – the pressures that women put on themselves to do and be everything for everyone are intense. No wonder the health stats for women are heading down hill, especially in areas like depression and heart disease.
Karyn, you touched on many of the things I say but have never researched (but will probably read the books you listed). I blame the feminist movement for creating a world where women now think they have to or have to work AND take care of the children. Their day never ends! My family has been through their ups and downs. I choose to be a SAHM but when my husband lost his job, I was able to return to mine. When he got a job 6 months later, I quit again. Now I am working part-time for a number of reasons – the biggest being to update my resume after being home for 3 years. We never want to be in a position where I am not marketable and able to find a job b/c it has been too long since my last. Here is San Francisco, CA, it is very hard to own a home without two incomes. But maybe some day that will change. Thank you for your post and the book references.
Isn’t it tragic, Angela? It breaks my heart to see so many women constantly tired to the point of exhaustion and not able to stop when their brains and bodies scream for them to do so. How we change that I don’t know – I guess talking about it is a start.
I was fortunate that my first child was also the first grandchild on both sides, so I went back to work (9 am to 3 pm) at 4 months to allow everyone to have their time with her. By the second child, I was fortunate enough to work from home, which I did “in my spare time” so as not to have to hire help. So work displaced other things, namely sleep. I was trying to do it all–be home with the kids like I’m supposed to, bring in money like I’m supposed to, take care of the house like I’m supposed to. I often think how different finances would have been if I had been settled and purchased a home years ago when home prices were lower.
What also struck me in this post is the point of finding nurturing care for your child when you don’t feel it’s in their best interest to have yourself doing it. Everytime I went overboard with screaming or, admittedly, spitefulness out of frustration, I thought “these kids really should get to be with someone who wants to be with them” ie, daycare or a nanny. It’s nice to see my feelings validated. Though I didn’t take either option full-time, the kids are now with their grandparents or a nanny 3 days a week while I work, and I am much happier.
I agree that ‘supposed to’ and ‘should’ have messed with many modern women’s heads.I think we (as in western culture) have majorly underestimated how much children take over our brains and bodies in those first few years – so intense on many days. It’s great that the part-time mix has worked for you.
I have been through so many emotions about “everything” you have mentioned here.
I don’t think many women in most of the world can stay with their children beyond what is given (MAT leave). Sure, I got a year, so I feel like a jerk complaining, but I would like to stay home.
We have traded many things. I am no expert, but I can see that it’s a trend that will never appreciate the work we do. You are right, biology didn’t and doesn’t in my opinion intend for this mess that we have created.
The Have-it-all culture is hard to get away from.
xo
I agree, Salma, having it all is presented as an ideal – I just doubt (personally) that we can have it all when our children are young. I do see many women who are quietly making a stand though – perhaps this feminist revolution (reclaiming our right to mother) is a silent one.
Karyn, as I stand on the precipice between the isolating pre-elementary school years and the socially connecting days of kindergarten on (which start tomorrow!), I found myself nodding in agreement to so much of what you wrote. In the past five years my husband and I have volleyed the SAHM v. working mom option like a ping pong ball. Whenever I feel down and isolated, after a particularly long week of entertaining my kids, I always think I want to go back to work. Then, on those beautiful spring or mid-summer days, when we’ve spent our time blissfully outdoors with nary a bicker between us, I curse the idea of ever having a desk job again. Thanks for giving me some food for thought and some new books to pick up once the school year starts again.
Some of those days at home are veeeeery long, aren’t they? Yet, I find the same – most days I couldn’t ever imagine being anywhere else. It’s the stress of rushing around that I want to avoid too, at least at the moment while we have a toddler. Good luck with the kindergarten adventure!
Hi Karyn, I loved this post! I’m in a lucky position of still renting ( our daughter was an accident just after we both finished university) so we can afford for me to stay home. Which is great because she is very sensitive and very attached to me. It’s such a tough situation especially is there is financial pressure involved. I do really love this time at home ( even though it’s way
more intense and challenging than I ever
thought! ) because it’s such a short time in the scheme of things. My mum stayed home with my brother and I and we had such an amazing relaxed free childhood. I always remind myself of this when I’m struggling.
We have a highly sensitive child too, and I can’t imagine how it would have affected him had I returned to work when he was small. Craig and I both had our Mums at home with us too – and really wanted that for our children too, enforced separation is so hard on everyone.
Karyn,
I’m used to my MAC computer, and because of no internet from Hurricane Irene on the east coast of the USA, I’ve lost my internet, and I’m borrowing a PC. I’ve tried to write this comment about 3 times and somehow keep losing it!!!
I stay home. I have a great bond with my older daughter, and we had a lot of alone time together. I won’t have as much one-on-one time with my younger daughter, and I think about that a lot. I wonder about these different dynamics.
When my husband and I first got married we decided to live on one salary to give us a running start for when we eventually had kids, and I stayed home. We lived below our means from the start, and it made it an easier transition for when I gave up my job. However, I know that for as many people there are in the world, there are that many different situations, and for some, living off of one salary isn’t a reality.
And as for having to do it “all”, we’re getting better. I make dinner and if I leave the pots and pans behind in the sink, my husband will clean them up when he gets home from work. And, he has been trying to get home earlier to help put my older daughter to bed to help me out. Is everything this equal? No, but these are two examples of where I’ve had to ask for help. I can’t imagine what it is like to raise a child among a village of people. It sounds like pure bliss!!
Thank you for your always thought-provoking posts, and I’m so glad you’re back! 🙂 We missed you!
Jen 🙂
So pleased that you managed to finally get a comment up, Jen! I hope things are back to normal for you soon. I struggle to ask for help from Craig, but he is always happy (not excited, but happy-enough!!) to do dishes or fold washing etc. Working as a team certainly helps, but some days I do wonder about the bliss of having a village to do the work and not just us. (Thanks for your lovely comment about missing me. 🙂 )
I”m totally suppressed by economics. I want to stay home so, so, SO BADLY. But we can’t afford it now my maternity leave has run out. Back to the grind, and my child being raised by a stranger…
Oh Carol,
This post is for you and other women in your situation (soon to be me too if today’s grocery bill is anything to go by)…I’m thinking of you and sending supportive thoughts through the ethers to Canada. Not particularly useful, I know – wish I could wave a magic wand and change things in an instant.
GREAT POST!!!!!!! loads to comment but baby is squirming in my lap 🙂 more later…
Squirming babies are far more important than writing comments to me! Thanks for writing what you could!
I read this, via Laura Grace’s blog. There are so many ways to mother. I only wish that we would all be more supportive of one another, as women on a journey, with or without children of our own. We need one another, as women, and the children need us! ps..thoroughly enjoy your blog!
Thanks for your comment, Kimerly – great that you found us via Laura-Grace Weldon’s site (another great Mum). I agree that many women are pretty tough on one another: I don’t think most of us realise that our brains are actually wired differently – some for chaos, some for self-sufficiency, some for super-safety and some who are chilled-out. That wiring comes from our emotional experiences and seem to be opinions (fairly tough ones some times) but are actually part of our personalities. I think that’s why the work/home debate is often so intense – it feels as if our very core is being attacked. ( Pleased you like the blog!)
Excellent “welcome back” post Karyn. I completely agree with your beliefs. I feel so lucky and fortunate to have been able to stay at home but did find the early years of isolation very very hard. When women used to have babies, they had a village of family surrounding them, helping them and providing care and love to both the mom and children. Now, life is so different. Those first three months after having my first baby were the hardest, loneliest months of my life. Yet I survived and thrived. Great post!
That change from full-time work to full-time Mum was tricky for me too Nicole. There were definitely times where I treated being at home as my Mt Everest! The social isolation which so many SAHMs experience can be such a big issue – that and the pressure to be the 1950s baking, ironing, dusting queen with picture-perfect children! I hope that future generations will find a better balance. Perhaps with house prices being so extreme we will see more extended families sharing houses and the workload.
Karyn – I have meant to reply to this for days, but as I consider this a “wow” post, I never felt i had the time to come up with my “wow” response 😉 But I do want to respond, so here it goes. To your question, right now I am a SAHM and grateful to be one! And the cool little nugget of pride I have about this from a professional standpoint is that I worked my tail off and saved a ton before quitting my job in order to pay down family debt so that I could stay home. So while my husband’s wonderful job does support us now 100%, I felt like part of why I got to make the choice I made was because of my own efforts too. And my husband is the best partner in the home that I can imagine. He pitches in everywhere. And while there are definitely our own “his & hers” spheres of responsibilities with him working and me being home, we also truly let each other be. No one nitpicks. Both of us work to praise the other on the effort made and not focus on the parts that got left undone. It works for us. But I know things can change so easily. He could lose his job. My sons could not fit with public school and we would need to come up with the funds for private. We could have any number of unforeseen challenges bring money back to the forefront and I would need to find a job. So to your question, I don’t feel the suppression of economics at this time, but I also know to be ever so thankful for that and be open to if things change, because they always can.
Thanks for the wow comment, Tara. I wish we had had the foresite that you did, but ten years ago it seemed that it would always be easy-enough to live off one income here. And Craig and I spent a good part of our 20s overseas as many Kiwis do, so both of us came home with a box of expensive photos and nothing behind us financially. I too feel blessed that Craig doesn’t nitpick when I’ve sat with an ill child on my lap all day and nothing else has been done. And I am sad that so few western women do feel that they have the choice to stay home with their children. Having a choice is the key, I think.
This is an excellent post!
I am a stay at home mum by choice. I had the choice to go back to work after Mat leave and earn more than my husband, but we decided that we would struggle and I would spend time with my bub. I felt it was more important for me to be there for him, and for us to know the ups and downs of financial struggle so we don’t take the things we need or want for granted. I was plagued by guilt for a long time when we decided hubby would be the breadwinner. Not because he wanted me to earn money, but because I felt its what I should be doing.
I love how you have highlighted this choice though. It is disappointing to me that some people I know still think that it is not a choice, and that being a stay at home mum I am suppressed and not living out my dreams, when in fact being at home is my dream come true.
I am also angered that feminism has gone to the extreme of women being superior to men AND children, not equal, and because of this I believe everyone is suffering for it.
I feel there is a desperate need for feminism to be redefined, and I hope that happens in my lifetime.