“A twin is one of two offspring born during the same pregnancy.”
I truly believe that ALL first time mothers are overwhelmed. Do I think that one screaming infant might be a little easier than two … sure I do! However, the combination of pure emotion that new mothers feel, paired with a lot of uncertainty; mixed with a little excitement is one cocktail that is much the same.
Friends would often say to me, “I can’t image having TWO at the same time!” To be honest, I can think of so many situations that other parents have dealt with that I can’t ever imagine getting through. So where some moms may envy my ability to manage, I envy all the other moms for their unique and very personal experiences. We truly are the same –
I think many of us desire to make sure that our children feel special and unique and most importantly, loved. The task seems simple:
Show your children love, and they will accept it. Tell your children you love them and they will believe it. Remind your children how special they are, and they will embrace it. Sounds easy, so why isn’t it working?
From the time my daughters were infants, they had separate rooms; were dressed differently; even had their own birthday cake. Some mothers of multiples would find this appalling. I have met a lot of people that have told me that “my husband and I were: wrong, selfish, and even neglectful for separating our children.” This decision did not come without research and lengthy discussions. I have always found it interesting how often people forget the “one” part of the twin definition. Many people focus on the “two” part and thus begins a paired journey that will last forever.
It can be difficult to understand the importance of referring to my children separately unless you have experienced it within your own family. A “problem” that may seem silly to some has become much more than that to my children. Hearing “the girls” for the last 6 years has become a common phrase. Although it is not said with any malice intention (as my husband and I have also done it) it has become a tough habit to break.
The commonalities between them are a blessing – but the differences between them can be an unwanted discussion that is starting to affect their self-esteem. Like in any family, siblings will differ – where one might me more analytical, the other might be more creative. Where one might be more athletic, the other more artistic. However, with same-sex-twins, these differences are sometimes viewed on a scale of strength and weakness. As a mother, this can be heart breaking.
My first-born, by exactly one minute, is a typical alpha child. With the dominance and presence to shake a room full of people, she is hardly a “wall-flower.” She is engaging, energetic and seems fearless in her approach to most tasks. She can walk up to any child, older or younger, and find something to talk about. She is a quick learner and generally excels at anything sport related.
Verbally, she can debate almost anything with me – good or bad. She is quick to understand the consequences of her behavior and can often dictate the correct punishment/reward. “A” is loving, sensitive and independent. She is the first one to give into her sister as a way to keep the peace. But push her and she’ll certainly push back! Those characteristics have equated to a pre-determined assumption: she will be into sports, excel in school and will be a social butterfly with very little problems making friends.
“B” is my younger child. (As if one minute truly has that much of an impact when it comes to age.) “B” is our “highly sensitive child.” She is the first one to cuddle with me and embrace my affection, but also the first one to misinterpret my words. We have learned that we must choose our words carefully with “B” or she will inevitably view it negatively.
“B” has a talent for dance-related activities. She is meticulous about her drawing, coloring and writing. She is conscientious about any task she ventures in to, but needs to “know” that we LOVE what she has done. She is cautious about who she speaks to, but once comfortable – dominates the conversation, asserts herself and has no problem taking charge.
“B” demands attention. She has this desire to please and if she thinks she has upset you, she reacts emotionally. One on one, she is very loving and easy-going. She wants to just be with you and that quality makes my heart melt. Those characteristics have equated to this pre-determined assumption: she will probably not do as well in sports, but excel in the arts. She might have trouble making friends as she gets older and will be a little slower to grasp school concepts.
I can’t even begin to express how wrong these assumptions are. Although there might be some validity to their strengths and weaknesses, this pigeon-holed type of mindset can be daunting.
Trying to get those around us to understand that IF you compare them directly, the scale of strengths and weaknesses will be obvious. But if you view them each as a six-year-old girl, they are independently right where they should be.
My children are at an age where they can understand when someone compliments one’s ability and questions the other. It has been my job to constantly remind them that they are unique and special as individuals. I have explained to them that people have a tendency to compare “twins,” but they should embrace the uniqueness of who they are and avoid listening to anything that might stray from that. These are lessons that I hope will be fully understood with time.
As we journey through Kindergarten this year, both “A” and “B” are each thriving independent from each other. They are in separate classes and this has helped them to be more confident. My husband and I are also starting to see some of those perceived weaknesses develop into strengths. Watching them evolve has been wonderful.
Have you ever had a similar experience with your own child/children where you have felt that they were being unfairly compared? What did you do to help them stay confident?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog from mother of two, TwinMom112.
Photo credit to the author.
I can totally relate to this with 9 yr old twin boys. My two sons could not be more opposite but they are both awesome in their own way.. I am able to see this, but still the family members refer to them as “the twins” and strangers ask me things like “which one is the good one?”.. It’s kind of a job of twin moms to defend the individuality of their children who happened to be born on the same day!! Thanks for your blog..
I loved your comment – “our job to defend the individuality of our children!” Couldn’t be more true!
I can totally relate to this with 9 yr old twin boys. My two sons could not be more opposite but they are both awesome in their own way.. I am able to see this, but still the family members refer to them as “the twins” and strangers ask me things like “which one is the good one?”.. It’s kind of a job of twin moms to defend the individuality of their children who happened to be born on the same day!! Thanks for your blog..
I loved your comment – “our job to defend the individuality of our children!” Couldn’t be more true!
Hi, it’s nice to meet another twin mom writer here on WMB! I have 2yo boy/girl twins so you would think that dealing with the comparisons would be easier, which it probably is, but still difficult for us sensitive moms who want to protect and defend our children. Our little girl is extremely outgoing and confident while our boy is shy and cautious. So while everyone is regaling our daughter with how delighted they are with her personality, I find myself defending my boy’s reluctance with “oh, he’s tired today” or “he takes a while to warm up” etc. I’m not sure if this helps him or if it makes him feel even more different, but I try to be supportive of how he’s feeling until he’s comfortable enough to join in socially and have fun, rather than cajole him to do so before he’s built up his confidence.
And I just want to share quickly that I have adult identical twin friends who told me that their parents wanted to nurture their individualities so much that they were not allowed to take the same kind of dance class or learn the same kind of instruments at the same time when they were growing up, AND they were sent to separate high schools!
Nice to meet you too! I have a twin niece/ nephew .. So I understand how tough those comparisons can be too. (You are not alone.) I used to do the same thing – excuse one’s behavior over the others. I think it is completely involuntary to want to protect – at all costs.
There were times when they were little that people would make positive comments towards one and not the other. I used to get so upset viewing these “behavior” as cruel. My thought was – don’t say ANYTHING! I guess I should have been more gracious, but I felt this inner anger towards the one that was “being left out.” – sounds silly, but it used to really bother me.
I am so interested in your twin friends. As adults, how do they feel about the path their parents took?
Hi, it’s nice to meet another twin mom writer here on WMB! I have 2yo boy/girl twins so you would think that dealing with the comparisons would be easier, which it probably is, but still difficult for us sensitive moms who want to protect and defend our children. Our little girl is extremely outgoing and confident while our boy is shy and cautious. So while everyone is regaling our daughter with how delighted they are with her personality, I find myself defending my boy’s reluctance with “oh, he’s tired today” or “he takes a while to warm up” etc. I’m not sure if this helps him or if it makes him feel even more different, but I try to be supportive of how he’s feeling until he’s comfortable enough to join in socially and have fun, rather than cajole him to do so before he’s built up his confidence.
And I just want to share quickly that I have adult identical twin friends who told me that their parents wanted to nurture their individualities so much that they were not allowed to take the same kind of dance class or learn the same kind of instruments at the same time when they were growing up, AND they were sent to separate high schools!
Nice to meet you too! I have a twin niece/ nephew .. So I understand how tough those comparisons can be too. (You are not alone.) I used to do the same thing – excuse one’s behavior over the others. I think it is completely involuntary to want to protect – at all costs.
There were times when they were little that people would make positive comments towards one and not the other. I used to get so upset viewing these “behavior” as cruel. My thought was – don’t say ANYTHING! I guess I should have been more gracious, but I felt this inner anger towards the one that was “being left out.” – sounds silly, but it used to really bother me.
I am so interested in your twin friends. As adults, how do they feel about the path their parents took?
I can completely relate to the individuality, and I don’t even have twins. In fact they are 3 1/2 years apart, and i would say that your description of your twins mirrors my kids, even though they are 5 and almost 2 (and I have a girl and boy) 🙂 I agree that you shouldn’t compare, but it might just be human nature to do so. I compare my kids all the time…. when my son was 20 months he was talking so much more than his sister, yet she loves art and is constantly coloring. Also (since the super bowl was on last night), my son is not the one to sit and watch sports (he was tossing the football around the house yesterday), while my daughter pulled out her chair and watch football with the boys.
I have a few sets of friends who have done the complete opposite of you, in that they have the twins in the same room, dress them the same buy them 2 of everything, and amazingly enough, the individuality of each child still shines though. One friend has her girls in the same class (they are still in pre-school) and another friend has her girls in different classes (also in preschool). The girls in separate classes, love that they have different friends, and each excel in their own interests.
As long as you nurture each child’s interest (even if they are the same interest), they will grow up to be confident, independent adults. You are doing a great job!
It is so interesting how even in different situations, our experiences can be similar.
I also have friends that have opted for a different path with their twin sons and they too are each unique and special. For us, separating them was a good thing – but I can see how keeping siblings together can have its benefits too!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
I can completely relate to the individuality, and I don’t even have twins. In fact they are 3 1/2 years apart, and i would say that your description of your twins mirrors my kids, even though they are 5 and almost 2 (and I have a girl and boy) 🙂 I agree that you shouldn’t compare, but it might just be human nature to do so. I compare my kids all the time…. when my son was 20 months he was talking so much more than his sister, yet she loves art and is constantly coloring. Also (since the super bowl was on last night), my son is not the one to sit and watch sports (he was tossing the football around the house yesterday), while my daughter pulled out her chair and watch football with the boys.
I have a few sets of friends who have done the complete opposite of you, in that they have the twins in the same room, dress them the same buy them 2 of everything, and amazingly enough, the individuality of each child still shines though. One friend has her girls in the same class (they are still in pre-school) and another friend has her girls in different classes (also in preschool). The girls in separate classes, love that they have different friends, and each excel in their own interests.
As long as you nurture each child’s interest (even if they are the same interest), they will grow up to be confident, independent adults. You are doing a great job!
It is so interesting how even in different situations, our experiences can be similar.
I also have friends that have opted for a different path with their twin sons and they too are each unique and special. For us, separating them was a good thing – but I can see how keeping siblings together can have its benefits too!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
So interesting to think about this. I don’t have twins, but I do know I compare my kids and make assumptions more often than I should. I don’t want them to internalize those assumptions. Great piece…and great pictures!
So interesting to think about this. I don’t have twins, but I do know I compare my kids and make assumptions more often than I should. I don’t want them to internalize those assumptions. Great piece…and great pictures!
Thanks for sharing your story. It was a great read! Living in San Francisco, CA, there are many multiples. I have close friends who have boy/boy twins and boy/girl twins. I often hear (and will now correct) myself refer to them as “the twins”. What resonated with me more is that my daughters (2 years apart in age) are referred to as “the girls”. Their similarities and differences are just starting to show as Little Girl is just over 2. But I know I definitely wrongly compare them. I think your post is a great reminder for any family with more than one child. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story. It was a great read! Living in San Francisco, CA, there are many multiples. I have close friends who have boy/boy twins and boy/girl twins. I often hear (and will now correct) myself refer to them as “the twins”. What resonated with me more is that my daughters (2 years apart in age) are referred to as “the girls”. Their similarities and differences are just starting to show as Little Girl is just over 2. But I know I definitely wrongly compare them. I think your post is a great reminder for any family with more than one child. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thanks for your feedback! Love reading everyone’s thoughts – So interesting how we all compare without even realizing it. I might be too sensative since it has been happening since they were born – but always good to try and remember how different our children really are!
Thanks for your feedback! Love reading everyone’s thoughts – So interesting how we all compare without even realizing it. I might be too sensative since it has been happening since they were born – but always good to try and remember how different our children really are!