This is a gold ATM machine: you can purchase gold in any amount. The machine is in the mall, near a Starbucks.
That’s been a question I’m asked a lot lately. It’s a question I was almost never asked when we lived in Manhattan, even though it’s home to god knows how many hedge-fund gazillionaires.
When we moved to Abu Dhabi in August, I prepared myself for all kinds of changes–food, customs, weather, schools, jobs–all the big stuff. But it never occurred to me that, of course, here in the land of Gulf petrodollars and expat tax-free paychecks, my kids would be exposed to the trappings of wealth in a way they’d never seen before.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like they were walking barefoot in the snow to some rat-infested public school in outer Bushwick where there weren’t enough math books to go around. Both boys went to public elementary schools, true, but one was in a lovely little neighborhood in Gramercy Park (a very affluent ‘hood) and the other went to a gifted-and-talented school that wasn’t very fancy on the outside but was delivering a kick-ass education inside (albeit in over-crowded classrooms with underpaid teachers).
We have friends with weekend houses and beach houses; friends who take great vacations and explore the world, but my kids don’t really see those things as signs of money—in part, I guess, because they’re still young and don’t quite understand what it takes to support two households, or truck a family of six to Egypt for the winter holidays.
I wasn’t prepared, myself, for the way that wealth is on display here: that the Porsche Cayenne is basically the Chrysler mini-van of the Gulf; that the line of cars at school pickup looks like a luxury car dealership: Bentley, Porsche, Ferrari, Benz, BMW, Maybach. Women cloaked in black from head to toe swing Chanel bags the size of pigeon coops and their Laboutin soles gleam under the hem of their abayas. Even the “down-market” malls house at least one or two serious designer boutiques. It’s hard to find a plain white blouse here, but if I wanted a Chanel ballgown I’d have at least five stores to choose from.
We could easily fit two of our Manhattan apartments into our current living space, which is on the 37th floor and has views of the Gulf that make it seem as if we’re floating just above the water. There’s a swimming pool and a gym on the roof, and for the first time in my life, I have a cleaning person—and she comes in twice a week.
Of course, all things are relative. I was talking to a friend a while back who said, “it’s hard with the two kids because we don’t have help. Do you?” I said yes, in fact, I had just hired a cleaning person. “Oh,” said the friend. “We have that, but she doesn’t live in.”
Live-in, live-out, whatever. It’s still Help, isn’t it?
But I digress. To me, I’m living what seems a remarkably luxurious life, which is enabled by the expat salaries my husband and I are making, and by the fact that our employer pays the big bills (rent, school tuition). It’s a pretty sweet deal, in many respects.
What the boys see, however, is that we don’t live “in a villa” (aka a house with an upstairs and a yard); we don’t have a driver or a cook; I don’t have hands weighted with diamonds; they don’t have nanny/sherpas carrying their book bags into school. My seven-year old came home from his first-ever play-date at someone else’s house talking about the two nannies (the family has two children), the driver, the trampoline on the back patio, the swimming pool, and shelves filled with electronic toys. He had a great time, and “loves” his new friend, but his eyes were like saucers as he described this boy’s life.
I point out that to most of the world, our family is rich beyond imagination, and remind them that they’ve never in their lives experienced hunger or thirst or been denied something they really, really wanted. (And then, of course, I think “spoiled, over-indulged, first-world children, omigod what I have done, parenting FAIL FAIL FAIL.” But that’s a post for another day.)
It’s not hard to see, in this city (Abu-Dhabi), the gaping chasm between the haves and the have-nots: the darker-skinned men in blue coveralls sweeping the streets while the chauffeured Mercedes zip past. My kids see these differences and have some rudimentary understanding of the deep inequities that run through this society—and their New York worlds, too. What they see here, in a way they didn’t in New York, though, is a view of life on the other end of the spectrum, and it dazzles them.
So usually, in response to their question, I offer some lame attempt at perspective: “We have more than enough, and lots more than most, so yes we are rich…and then again, no, we are not.” I’d like to go all Occupy Wall Street on the subject, but I don’t want them telling their classmates that their mommy thinks there be a revolution that redistributes global wealth. Somehow I think that statement might put the kibosh on future playdates.
I know my answer doesn’t satisfy them, but I don’t know what else to say.
How would you answer that question, if (and when) your kids ask?
This is an original post for the World Mom’s Blog by Deborah Quinn.
Photo credit to the author.
Mannahattamamma (UAE)
After twenty-plus years in Manhattan, Deborah Quinn and her family moved to Abu Dhabi (in the United Arab Emirates), where she spends a great deal of time driving her sons back and forth to soccer practice. She writes about travel, politics, feminism, education, and the absurdities of living in a place where temperatures regularly go above 110F.
Deborah can also be found on her blog, Mannahattamamma.
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It is a tough question! I guess I would start by asking back:”Do you think being rich is important?” and then start sharing how would I want him to think about money and wealth. Have more than enough is not a bad thing. However, it doesn’t mean we can get whatever we want. Help him understand the difference between “Need” and “Want”. Depends on the child, I may even try to go into the concept of savings, and discuss if he has a lot money, how will he manage what he has – save for unexpected situation, help those who are less fortunate, start a business, …. A lot of topics can go from here.
I took my son to China two years ago. He got to see both extremes as well – we visited friends who has a big house, we also saw kids took bus to school every morning. I signed him up for a Chinese summer camp. He actually opted to bus every morning. A 20min ride became over an hour, in a crowded no-air-conditioned bus in the hot summer. But it was a good experience for him….
Nice post!
— LearningMom @bnchen.wordpress.com
@bnchen: I have, actually, given that question back to them & their answers are the answers of kids (being rich = having a big gameboy…ugh). They also mostly take the bus to school (as they did in nyc) – although sometimes they NEED (want!) a ride… I will say that as hard as this question is, the fact that they ask it has sparked some really good conversations…
It is a tough question! I guess I would start by asking back:”Do you think being rich is important?” and then start sharing how would I want him to think about money and wealth. Have more than enough is not a bad thing. However, it doesn’t mean we can get whatever we want. Help him understand the difference between “Need” and “Want”. Depends on the child, I may even try to go into the concept of savings, and discuss if he has a lot money, how will he manage what he has – save for unexpected situation, help those who are less fortunate, start a business, …. A lot of topics can go from here.
I took my son to China two years ago. He got to see both extremes as well – we visited friends who has a big house, we also saw kids took bus to school every morning. I signed him up for a Chinese summer camp. He actually opted to bus every morning. A 20min ride became over an hour, in a crowded no-air-conditioned bus in the hot summer. But it was a good experience for him….
Nice post!
— LearningMom @bnchen.wordpress.com
@bnchen: I have, actually, given that question back to them & their answers are the answers of kids (being rich = having a big gameboy…ugh). They also mostly take the bus to school (as they did in nyc) – although sometimes they NEED (want!) a ride… I will say that as hard as this question is, the fact that they ask it has sparked some really good conversations…
What a great post and great question. I have an opposite problem here in Kenya. I feel embarrassed by our relative riches (which are pretty paultry comparent to what we had back home and compared even to other expats). Luckily my son hasn’t asked me that particular question, but I think you handled it beautifully. It IS all relative. Maybe the answer lies in exposing your kids to the various extremes?
I was about to start on a post on feeling ashamed?? (or maybe guilty or some emotion we don’t have a word for) by the fact that I don’t have to fetch water or wash my clothes by hand. It’s hard to believe that we live in a world where some people drip with diamonds and others struggle for their next meal. Usually we are socio-economically segregated enough not to have that difference thrust in our faces and make our heads explode. It is definitely one of the challenges many of us face in living abroad!
mamamzung – so funny – i’ve written THAT post too, about feeling abashed by our relatively luxurious life, compared to the workers who live in labor camps and are bussed into the city every day to clean the streets, tend the parks, fix the roads. Or the woman who cleans my apartment twice a week (and she’s working for other people every day she’s not with us – while her son is in Sri Lanka with his father…) … so for me it’s a real double whammy – not sure my kids fully appreciate our situation, but we’re working on it. You’re absolutely right – the expat situation really hits home on so many levels – prompts great conversations and yes, lots of challenges (and headaches!)
What a great post and great question. I have an opposite problem here in Kenya. I feel embarrassed by our relative riches (which are pretty paultry comparent to what we had back home and compared even to other expats). Luckily my son hasn’t asked me that particular question, but I think you handled it beautifully. It IS all relative. Maybe the answer lies in exposing your kids to the various extremes?
I was about to start on a post on feeling ashamed?? (or maybe guilty or some emotion we don’t have a word for) by the fact that I don’t have to fetch water or wash my clothes by hand. It’s hard to believe that we live in a world where some people drip with diamonds and others struggle for their next meal. Usually we are socio-economically segregated enough not to have that difference thrust in our faces and make our heads explode. It is definitely one of the challenges many of us face in living abroad!
mamamzung – so funny – i’ve written THAT post too, about feeling abashed by our relatively luxurious life, compared to the workers who live in labor camps and are bussed into the city every day to clean the streets, tend the parks, fix the roads. Or the woman who cleans my apartment twice a week (and she’s working for other people every day she’s not with us – while her son is in Sri Lanka with his father…) … so for me it’s a real double whammy – not sure my kids fully appreciate our situation, but we’re working on it. You’re absolutely right – the expat situation really hits home on so many levels – prompts great conversations and yes, lots of challenges (and headaches!)
I love the Learning Mom’s comment — ask your child, “Do you think being rich is important?” What a great way to begin to answer when a child asks this question.
Deborah — what an amazing window you are letting us view through — the gold machine — wow! It is so interesting to see life around the world through our World Moms Bloggers’ eyes. And this is such a great topic — because wealth is all relevant, in so many different perspectives and places on the globe, as in the case of what you have described in the UAE and NY and what Mama Mzungu describes Kenya. And, it makes us bring up what a person really values the most, what wealth means to each individual, be it monetary, family, love, possessions, etc. So much to talk about it and you have started us off! Thank you!
How would I answer that question coming from my daughter? I think I’d want to turn it into the bigger issue of wanting my child to value and respect people, no matter their financial level of wealth, similar to how you feel. It is the person that is important, not the pocketbook. But how I’d get to that? You have left me with a lot to think about!
Jen 🙂
I love the Learning Mom’s comment — ask your child, “Do you think being rich is important?” What a great way to begin to answer when a child asks this question.
Deborah — what an amazing window you are letting us view through — the gold machine — wow! It is so interesting to see life around the world through our World Moms Bloggers’ eyes. And this is such a great topic — because wealth is all relevant, in so many different perspectives and places on the globe, as in the case of what you have described in the UAE and NY and what Mama Mzungu describes Kenya. And, it makes us bring up what a person really values the most, what wealth means to each individual, be it monetary, family, love, possessions, etc. So much to talk about it and you have started us off! Thank you!
How would I answer that question coming from my daughter? I think I’d want to turn it into the bigger issue of wanting my child to value and respect people, no matter their financial level of wealth, similar to how you feel. It is the person that is important, not the pocketbook. But how I’d get to that? You have left me with a lot to think about!
Jen 🙂
Thanks for the note, Jen – it’s funny, in that my kids sort of say “yeah, yeah, we don’t want a different life or different parents, and we know that money doesn’t matter… BUT WE STILL WANT TO BE RICH!” Sometimes it reminds me of my own wishes–that even though I wouldn’t *want* to be a movie star, it would be nice to have all that luxury and not have to choose… but choices make us stronger, right? I hope that our conversations are helping my kids to see that, as you say, it’s not the pocketbook but the person…we’ll see.
Thanks for the note, Jen – it’s funny, in that my kids sort of say “yeah, yeah, we don’t want a different life or different parents, and we know that money doesn’t matter… BUT WE STILL WANT TO BE RICH!” Sometimes it reminds me of my own wishes–that even though I wouldn’t *want* to be a movie star, it would be nice to have all that luxury and not have to choose… but choices make us stronger, right? I hope that our conversations are helping my kids to see that, as you say, it’s not the pocketbook but the person…we’ll see.
This is a very interesting and crucial subject. Personally I keep introducing the idea of contentment to my children, the though of how others we see on tv or street live and face hardship and how we live a life that we take all for granted.
I keep putting in their minds that we have everything we need and more, and the concept of rich means being content with what you have. while being poor is never being content even if you are wealthy.
This is a very interesting and crucial subject. Personally I keep introducing the idea of contentment to my children, the though of how others we see on tv or street live and face hardship and how we live a life that we take all for granted.
I keep putting in their minds that we have everything we need and more, and the concept of rich means being content with what you have. while being poor is never being content even if you are wealthy.
it’s interesting how different places make wealth and being “rich” more noticeable than others – one of the many things i love about manhattan is how not only is one’s wealth much less often on display, but it seems to matter so little to most new yorkers.
even out here in the nyc ‘burbs – which is hardly the UAE – it is such a subject of what you drive, what you wear, etc.
great that you discuss with your kids and what it all really means if you are rich, or you are not
it’s interesting how different places make wealth and being “rich” more noticeable than others – one of the many things i love about manhattan is how not only is one’s wealth much less often on display, but it seems to matter so little to most new yorkers.
even out here in the nyc ‘burbs – which is hardly the UAE – it is such a subject of what you drive, what you wear, etc.
great that you discuss with your kids and what it all really means if you are rich, or you are not
What a tough question to answer! I’m so glad that you brought it up because I have been thinking about since before our kids were born. And I can’t even imagine how I would respond within the context of living in the UAE. MY eyes were like saucers when I was in Dubai and saw all the super duper luxury cars lined up at the hotel valet! My husband and I often discuss the fact that our moral values and work ethic came from our difficult childhood impacted by our parents’ financial problems but that our kids would (hopefully) never experience the same. How will they learn those values? I think I will go all ‘hippy’ on them and say “Yes! We are rich in love, rich in family, rich in friends, rich in intellect, rich in humor, rich in fun, rich in our care for others, rich in opportunities…” I can see their eyes rolling already.
What a tough question to answer! I’m so glad that you brought it up because I have been thinking about since before our kids were born. And I can’t even imagine how I would respond within the context of living in the UAE. MY eyes were like saucers when I was in Dubai and saw all the super duper luxury cars lined up at the hotel valet! My husband and I often discuss the fact that our moral values and work ethic came from our difficult childhood impacted by our parents’ financial problems but that our kids would (hopefully) never experience the same. How will they learn those values? I think I will go all ‘hippy’ on them and say “Yes! We are rich in love, rich in family, rich in friends, rich in intellect, rich in humor, rich in fun, rich in our care for others, rich in opportunities…” I can see their eyes rolling already.
Thanks for this post! Gosh, the people are so rich that they are buying gold like it’s some commonplace things? My husband and I were talking a while back about how we hope to show our son how privileged and fortunate he is living in Singapore. We thought of bringing him to do volunteer work when he is older so that he can appreciate all the good things he is enjoying. I feel that it is important for him to develop gratitude in life. If my boy one day tells me he wishes to be rich, I would ask him why does he want to be rich? What does he want to do with the money? It’s not a bad thing to want to be rich, the important part is what we do with the money. If it’s just all about self-gratification, then I feel that’s wrong. I want him to see that with money, he can make a positive difference to other people’s life – that’s the real power of money.
Thanks for this post! Gosh, the people are so rich that they are buying gold like it’s some commonplace things? My husband and I were talking a while back about how we hope to show our son how privileged and fortunate he is living in Singapore. We thought of bringing him to do volunteer work when he is older so that he can appreciate all the good things he is enjoying. I feel that it is important for him to develop gratitude in life. If my boy one day tells me he wishes to be rich, I would ask him why does he want to be rich? What does he want to do with the money? It’s not a bad thing to want to be rich, the important part is what we do with the money. If it’s just all about self-gratification, then I feel that’s wrong. I want him to see that with money, he can make a positive difference to other people’s life – that’s the real power of money.
Sounds like a crazy place to live. I think I would be so disgusted by the wealth though that it would anger me. Oh well. Great post!
Sounds like a crazy place to live. I think I would be so disgusted by the wealth though that it would anger me. Oh well. Great post!
What a tough question, but what a great opportunity for an ongoing discussion about wealth. I think the steps you are taking now to frame and ask questions back are wonderful. As they grow, as they see more, you can talk more and build on the conversation. I wish I had more to add, but alot of the responses offer good ideas, and I am running dry 😉 And while you can show them as much National Geographic spreads and online culture websites on other cultures and what rich vs. poor really looks like around the world, for kids., they are always sizing themselves up with their peer group each day, so that is a valid reality for them to work within too. Keep us posted!
What a tough question, but what a great opportunity for an ongoing discussion about wealth. I think the steps you are taking now to frame and ask questions back are wonderful. As they grow, as they see more, you can talk more and build on the conversation. I wish I had more to add, but alot of the responses offer good ideas, and I am running dry 😉 And while you can show them as much National Geographic spreads and online culture websites on other cultures and what rich vs. poor really looks like around the world, for kids., they are always sizing themselves up with their peer group each day, so that is a valid reality for them to work within too. Keep us posted!
Wow gold machine? Wow. I grew up among expats and I later worked with a lot of expats so I understand what you are saying about how luxurious life can be for expats children because the company pays for nearly everything and provide a good life for their expats employees. But I think you are doing a great balance here for your children. I love Ruth’s comment here 😀
Wow gold machine? Wow. I grew up among expats and I later worked with a lot of expats so I understand what you are saying about how luxurious life can be for expats children because the company pays for nearly everything and provide a good life for their expats employees. But I think you are doing a great balance here for your children. I love Ruth’s comment here 😀