He went gliding down the lane, arms stretched out to the side, a gleeful shout of joy escaping from his cheek-stretching grin, his speed slightly hindered by the training wheels clacking along the cobblestones. “I want to go faster!!’ my son shouted. My neighbor made the proclamation, speaking out loud the words that I have kept muted: “It is time to take off the training wheels! He is ready.”
A little over a year ago, my little man was barely able to handle the bike with training wheels. He was scared to get on the seat, afraid to ride the bike down the lane without me there, holding him up. Tired of the muscle pains that came from long walks spent crouched over, I finally made a decree: “You learn to ride on your own or you simply don’t ride.” This may not be the kindest way to parent, but it definitely worked.
Determined to master the bike, my little man had his best friend push him along, until he found his balance, and managed his way. He fell plenty, but each fall came after a slightly longer distance was achieved on the bike. At first, he cried when he fell, making his little topples into grand tragedies. I comforted and encouraged, and that seemed to make the wailing louder.
Finally, on an evening when I felt especially spent, I gave an altamatum “Nope, no more of that. You figure out why you fell over and do it better, or we just put the bike away. You don’t get to sit and cry.” Again, probably not the kindest parenting known to motherhood, but it worked.
With each spill, my man grinned wider and wider, bouncing up to try it again, trying to go just a little further each time. With me nervously standing on the sidelines, he learned to go wayyyy faster and further than I was comfortable with, but I had to let him have that experience, he had earned it.
And so now… Why am I so hesitant to take those wheels off? Like any parent who wants their child to experience success, I am hesitating to go back through the falls, back through the crouching over that removing the wheels would require.
My son is so proud of his success, I am hitting pause before we go through the phase where mini-failures are necessary.
When my neighbor declared my son’s readiness to ride sans trainers, I was a little embarrassed by my immediate response: “He might be, but I am not!,” but why? Aren’t the falls and spills, banged up knees and elbows one of the best parts of growing up?
When my fatigued father took a break from teaching me to ride, I figured out bike balance after the greatest fall I ever had. Bloody knee and scratched up forehead, I was finally riding a bike, soaring down the street, too proud of my accomplishment ,and too motivated to keep up with my older brother, to care about the scrapes.
When I think about the greatest lessons I have learned through life, and when I think about the things I am most proud of, a traced timeline would reveal a failure of some kind that precedes the learning and feelings of pride.
For me, failure has always been a motivator, an opportunity to learn and do it better the next time. When I reflect and dissect my failures, I understand a situation far better, and take the time to understand what leads to success. Easy successes come and go, without great inspection, so it is the failures that I treasure most.
Five years in, I am still learning about this parenting business. Like everything else, it is my parenting failures that have taught me the most. Knowing the importance of failure, how it teaches great lessons and develops the ability to be resilient, I have to find a way to be more comfortable with allowing my son to find his way, make his own mistakes so that he might have the opportunity to learn and grow.
I am going to give it a try this weekend by letting him fall a few times off his training-wheel free bicycle. I’ll definitely be there to pick him up and cheer him on, but in the end, he is the one who has to sort out the balance act that comes with riding a “big boy bike.”
To read more about the importance of allowing our children to experience failure, check out this New York Time’s article. It reminds me that we have to allow our children to experiences the bumps and bruises that come with learning how to navigate the world.
Have you had an experience where you had to watch your child fail in order to succeed? How did you learn from it?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by “Lady E.” Lady E can be found on twitter @ethrelfall and on her blog, Common Threads.
Photo credit to the author.
Erin M. Threlfall
Originally from the US, Erin has credited her intense wanderlust and desire to live around the globe to her nomadic childhood. Every two to three years, her father’s work with a large international company provided the opportunity to know a different part of the US (VA, OH, PA, GA, SC, NY) and eventually Europe (Germany and Italy) and Asia (Thailand and Japan). Though her parents and siblings finally settled down in the heartland of America, Erin kept the suitcases in action and has called Ghana, South Korea, Togo, Bali, and now New York home. Single Mom to a fabulous seven-year-old citizen of the world, she is an educator and theatre artist who is fascinated with world cultures and artistic practices. Her big dream is to some day open a school focused on well-being and inquiry based learning to meet the needs of all her learners. In the meantime, Erin and her Little Man Edem, plan to keep investigating theatre and influencing education, one continent at a time. You can read some of her ramblings and perhaps find the common thread by checking our her personal blog, telling all about This Life http://www.erinmthrelfall.com/
Follow Me:
It is so true that our children as well as ourselves learn from our failures. For me, it was watching the painful shyness in my son when he was younger. He would want to play with someone, but he was too timid to walk up to anyone when we would be outside at our compound. I would help him and “talk for him” many times, and then one day, I just told him he had a voice (which he uses ALL THE TIME with me) and he needed to use it. It was very hard watching him watch other kids play and not going up to them. I really wanted to intervene. But, I didn’t , and after a few times of him standing there not being part of the action, he finally went up and asked one of the children to play. He was so happy and my heart was happy for him!!!:) That was a year ago and now he is 6 and he is one of the most confident outgoing little guys I know!:)
It is so true that our children as well as ourselves learn from our failures. For me, it was watching the painful shyness in my son when he was younger. He would want to play with someone, but he was too timid to walk up to anyone when we would be outside at our compound. I would help him and “talk for him” many times, and then one day, I just told him he had a voice (which he uses ALL THE TIME with me) and he needed to use it. It was very hard watching him watch other kids play and not going up to them. I really wanted to intervene. But, I didn’t , and after a few times of him standing there not being part of the action, he finally went up and asked one of the children to play. He was so happy and my heart was happy for him!!!:) That was a year ago and now he is 6 and he is one of the most confident outgoing little guys I know!:)
I did the same thing with my kids when teaching them to ride their bikes. They have to figure things out on their own or they’ll always rely on you to help them. Good luck to the little biker!!!!
I did the same thing with my kids when teaching them to ride their bikes. They have to figure things out on their own or they’ll always rely on you to help them. Good luck to the little biker!!!!
Mistakes are great teachers, that’s for sure! 🙂
Mistakes are great teachers, that’s for sure! 🙂
Hi Lady E!
It is so tough stepping back and not helping because we so love our kids! But, in order for them to learn and gain experience on how to solve difficult problems or do complex things, it’s important for kids to try it themselves.
We haven’t taken our training wheels off yet, but when the day comes, I will be thinking of you!
I can’t think of a particular situation off the top of my head, but I know I am constantly telling my daughter, “You can do it, you just got to keep trying.”
Jen 🙂
Hi Lady E!
It is so tough stepping back and not helping because we so love our kids! But, in order for them to learn and gain experience on how to solve difficult problems or do complex things, it’s important for kids to try it themselves.
We haven’t taken our training wheels off yet, but when the day comes, I will be thinking of you!
I can’t think of a particular situation off the top of my head, but I know I am constantly telling my daughter, “You can do it, you just got to keep trying.”
Jen 🙂
For tis very reason, I am forever indebted to our German friends who handded down their Kettler balance bikes to us once their kids outgrew them. My 3yo has mastered it so well that he’s now asking us for a peddle bike. Luckily, there’s a stage between the smallest balance bike and a peddle bike (it’s a balance bike with a foot rest in the middle and hand brakes). To answer your question, yes,our daughter has a very strong personality and tends to “boss” people. We try to guide her at home all the time when she gets too bossy but we know, ultimaterly, this is a trait she’ll have to tame on the playgroun, through peer pressure to tone it down. Good luck with the riding lessons…maybe start him off on grass.
For tis very reason, I am forever indebted to our German friends who handded down their Kettler balance bikes to us once their kids outgrew them. My 3yo has mastered it so well that he’s now asking us for a peddle bike. Luckily, there’s a stage between the smallest balance bike and a peddle bike (it’s a balance bike with a foot rest in the middle and hand brakes). To answer your question, yes,our daughter has a very strong personality and tends to “boss” people. We try to guide her at home all the time when she gets too bossy but we know, ultimaterly, this is a trait she’ll have to tame on the playgroun, through peer pressure to tone it down. Good luck with the riding lessons…maybe start him off on grass.
I agree that allowing your child to “fail” in order to learn is what we MUST do … but it’s often one of the hardest things, because we love our kids so much and would love to have them healthy and happy all the time!
The hardest thing I had to do was allow my 15 year old daughter to “date” a young man that I didn’t really like. I was pretty sure that the “relationship” wouldn’t last but didn’t say anything negative about the boy until she decided for herself that she didn’t want a “boyfriend” who lied to her regularly! She is 16 now and in a relationship with a wonderful young man. She told me yesterday that she’s glad she had a “bad” relationship before she met this current boy, because now she can appreciate him more!
Keeping quiet was the best thing I could have done at the time … and it’s paid off! I have a teenage daughter who WANTS to share everything with me and even listens to my advice when shopping for clothes! 🙂
I agree that allowing your child to “fail” in order to learn is what we MUST do … but it’s often one of the hardest things, because we love our kids so much and would love to have them healthy and happy all the time!
The hardest thing I had to do was allow my 15 year old daughter to “date” a young man that I didn’t really like. I was pretty sure that the “relationship” wouldn’t last but didn’t say anything negative about the boy until she decided for herself that she didn’t want a “boyfriend” who lied to her regularly! She is 16 now and in a relationship with a wonderful young man. She told me yesterday that she’s glad she had a “bad” relationship before she met this current boy, because now she can appreciate him more!
Keeping quiet was the best thing I could have done at the time … and it’s paid off! I have a teenage daughter who WANTS to share everything with me and even listens to my advice when shopping for clothes! 🙂