The month of May in Korea is “family month” and includes Children’s Day and Parents’ Day (as well as Teachers’ Day and Buddha’s birthday). It’s a celebratory time here, especially as it coincides with the mild temperatures and blossoms of spring. These last two years the month of May has also included a much quieter celebration – Single Mothers Day.
To be a single mother in Korea is no small thing. Women who find themselves pregnant out of wedlock are often pressured by their friends and family to have an abortion or to give up their child for adoption. 90% of children who are adopted from Korea are born to single mothers and, unlike in the West, the majority of unwed pregnant mothers in Korea are over the age of 25. The women who choose to keep their children and raise them as single parents are very few and the discrimination they face is astonishing to someone like me who is not from here.
The shame associated with unwed motherhood is not just the burden of the woman to bear. Her parents, her siblings, and her child are all subjected to it as well. It is often kept a secret for as long as possible since the repercussions of people knowing can be dire, including loss of job, home, and social status. Many of these women can no longer live with their families, as is the custom, the disgrace and shame is so great.
This is so interesting to me, coming from a country whose president was raised by a single mother. Single parenthood is by no means considered ideal in the West, but no person, politician or otherwise, would dream of speaking ill of mothers who are working hard to raise a family on their own without fear of immense (and well-deserved) backlash, the prevailing sentiment being: Don’t they have it hard enough?
I did not fully appreciate how difficult single motherhood was until I became a mother myself. My own mother was a single parent for a while during my childhood and I do remember her struggling, but, of course, the majority of her difficulties were lost on me. Now, I have nothing but amazement and unbridled admiration for the mamas and papas out there who raise a family without a partner. Parenting is hard work and most societies are set up in such a way to support an outdated notion of what makes a family: Working father, stay-at-home mother, 2.3 children, dog, etc. Those who can do it successfully within this framework are nothing short of super-human in my opinion.
One of the biggest fears of single mothers in Korea is how their child will be taunted, teased, and otherwise persecuted when it is discovered that their mother is unwed, not just by merciless schoolchildren but teachers and other parents as well. And this discrimination continues well into adulthood. This is assuming they even choose to raise their child themselves. Unfortunately, due to the current policies in place, it is literally against all odds that they can work to support themselves and their child successfully. Rather than do what they can to support single mothers, the government and other organizations put their money behind orphanages in what can only be described as a misguided belief that these children are better off being put up for adoption than being raised by their biological unwed mother.
South Korea is currently a place of many contradictions. It is at once incredibly modern and yet still joining the developed world. There are many parallels between the South Korea of today and the United States of 50 years ago. It really wasn’t that long ago that being an unwed mother in the States was also seen as shameful and something to be hidden, young girls often being sent off to convents and forced into giving their children up for adoption. Fortunately, things have changed, albeit slowly, and things are changing here as well.
The fact that Single Mothers Day exists at all is a huge testament to the dedicated work of various organizations operating here, who are working hard to not only bring light to the issue, but to advocate on behalf of the women and children who suffer as a result of these policies and attitudes. One such organization is TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea). TRACK strongly opposes foreign adoption of Korean children (a sentiment that is shared by many, if not most, Koreans) and wishes instead to lobby for policies that help and support, rather than shame and humiliate, single and unwed mothers.
TRACK and other organizations like it have a tough road ahead of them when it comes to changing ideas. Many of the same Koreans who oppose foreign adoption do not, in turn, support domestic adoption. They still see these children as less-than and therefore undesirable. Shame is a very powerful force, indeed. We tend to think of the children who end up being put up for adoption as having come from abject poverty, abusive circumstances, or born to women who are too young to give them the life they deserve. In South Korea, many of the children in orphanages are born to well-educated, mature women who, with the support of their families and society, could very easily nurture and raise their children. It is shame, not choice or circumstance, which often leads them to the incredibly painful decision to give up their children.
What are the attitudes towards unwed mothers in your country? What are the attitudes regarding domestic and foreign adoption? Does your country’s society and governmental policies support or shame single mothers?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from mommy-of-one and yogi, Ms. V, in Korea.
Leonshishman photographed the image used in this post. It holds a Flckr Creative Commons attribution license.
Ms. V. (South Korea)
Ms. V returned from a 3-year stint in Seoul, South Korea and is now living in the US in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her partner, their two kids, three ferocious felines, and a dog named Avon Barksdale. She grew up all over the US, mostly along the east coast, but lived in New York City longer than anywhere else, so considers NYC “home.” Her love of travel has taken her all over the world and to all but four of the 50 states. Ms. V is contemplative and sacred activist, exploring the intersection of yoga, new monasticism, feminism and social change. She is the co-director and co-founder of Samdhana-Karana Yoga: A Healing Arts Center, a non-profit yoga studio and the spiritual director for Hab Community. While not marveling at her beautiful children, she enjoys reading, cooking, and has dreams of one day sleeping again.
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This post is incredible, Ms. V. Thank you for shedding light on a complex situation in South Korea affecting single mothers and orphaned children. It is interesting how single motherhood is thought of in different cultures and countries, and now you have me wanting to know more!
Great post. My sister was adopted from Korea, and I’m so glad she’s my sister.I also had no inkling of the challenges single moms faced until I became a mother. Now they have my utmost respect.
@Lady Jennie Thank you so much!
@jburden Thanks very much!
Being a single mom is challenging but for an unwed woman it’s extremely challenging. In Egypt an unwed woman doesn’t dare to keep her child, if she can’t convince her partner to marry her she surely will abandon the child at the first orphanage door she finds. The idea of having relationships without marriage is totally forbidden by the culture and religions so even it exists such a hidden relationship no way to keep the child. Abortion or orphanages are the fate of these children if the parents don’t decide to marry to save this child.So touching post.
nihadfawzi Thank you for sharing how it is in Egypt. Sounds very similar.
This was great and very eye opening! I had no idea that single motherhood was shunned so deeply in Korea. Thank you for the insight.
Hi Ms. V! I was wondering if that stigma is on the same level for foreign women in Korea. I got pregnant in Korea last year and the father (Korean) encouraged me to have an abortion. I refused and returned to the States to have my baby. I want so badly to return to Korea, but I don’t know if it’s possible. Will anyone hire me? Would my child deal with the same discrimination in school as described above? I’d love your opinion on all this! Thanks!
Hi Angela! Thanks for reading. I am by no means an expert, but from what I have seen, heard, and observed, the stigma is very strong for Koreans and foreigners alike (though I do think it is worse for Korean women). I have a friend here who is an American who had a child out of wedlock with a fellow American and she has been turned down for jobs because of it. So, to answer your question, yes, I do think that you might have a hard time finding employment with a Korean agency if they know of your situation. As I’m sure you experienced when you were here, unlike in the US where it is illegal to ask certain personal questions about a person in a job interview, that is not the case here. They very often ask questions about your personal life and make hiring decisions accordingly.
Also, in terms of your child being half Korean and half American – I have observed that those children can have a particularly hard time.
This aspect of Korean society is particularly difficult. I think it is changing, but very slowly. It is a hard thing to digest, especially when contrasted to the so many very beautiful and admirable things about life in Korea.
I hope this helps and I wish you the very best of luck in motherhood and life, no matter where it takes you!
What a great (although sad) post. It seems a lot like Brazil 20+ years ago. My mother-in-law was unmarried when she got pregnant of her first son and her boss at the time told her she would be fired if she didn’t get married ASAP! Also, girls would be kicked out of their homes like you mentioned.
Sad to hear about such stories of single moms. Other men must try to marry these single mothers and give their names to such children. It won’t be easy but not difficult also. I believe that life is all about taking decisions & making choices and what can be a better decision than the decision to adopt the single mother and her child.
thanks for share this post miss V. As a single mom, i have ever dated with korean guy but once his parents found him with me, He so worried if his parents knew about my status. yes this stigma still exists and as i know by some korean people that this stigma has already decreased but yet some people in korea think it’s same to raise children without marriage.
typo *shame to raise children without marriage