My 5-year-old son has been making a lot of comments lately about my relationship with my boyfriend. He has asked him – a few times – if he’ll be his stepdad. He’s mentioned the boyfriend moving in with us. He’s trying to make this relationship move forward a lot quicker than I’m comfortable with.
The thing is, I’ve never lived by myself. I went from my parent’s home to roommates in the dorm; from apartments with friends to an apartment with a boyfriend, and finally, to a condo with my husband. When my ex-husband moved out, it was the closest I got to living by myself. I was a joint custody single mom, so I lived with my son half the time, but there was still that time when it was just me. Even when I became a sole custody single mom, I never let go of that feeling of living “on my own,” even if I was never actually alone.
I enjoy the time I have with my son. I love our little home (finally). We’ve got a good thing going. Sure, there are those times that he drives me crazy and I wish I could hand him off to a second parent. But, as time passes, those times seem to lessen by the day. (That is, until we get to puberty, I suppose!)
The boyfriend and I are not at a point in our relationship where we’re actually talking about the future very much. There have been mentions of “Oh, if we’re together in a few months, we should…” and we’ve shared our thoughts on future children (not necessarily with each other, just in general).
But the only person moving fast in this relationship, is my son. It’s all in good fun, but it still makes me think.
For someone who doesn’t like change, I’ve gone through a lot of them these past few years. My life is far from “settled”, but it feels like it’s getting there.
I’ve moved into a job that I really enjoy and could see myself doing until retirement. I’m writing (on my blog and on my novel-in-progress) and editing (here at WMB and for other writers), two things I love to do but didn’t always make time for in the past.
I’ve come to peace with my little condo and am not always trying to come up with ways to move out. I like the city I’m living in and, while I’m not sure I’ll live here forever, I’m not feeling so restless anymore.
If the boyfriend and I do eventually accept a future together, it’s going to cause quite an upheaval in my life. And my son won’t be the only one having to adjust to the changes it causes. It will change everything.
I’m not against that change happening in the future. But when I say “the future”, part of me hopes it’s later rather than sooner.
Sure, I enjoy the time I have with the boyfriend, and sometimes I even wish we had a little bit more time together. But every day? All the time? His stuff all over the house, invading my little home (because, in my inner scenarios, it’s always him moving into my place)? Having to plan out quality time with my son, rather than just having it naturally? Am I ready for that?
Not now. Maybe later. Much later.
How do you cope with transitions and changes in your life as a mother?
The image used in this post is attributed to http://www.flickr.com/photos/jblndl. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.