When I get together with fellow moms these days, I find the greatest thing we have in common is not that we all have kids but that most of us are still trying to figure out who we are now that we HAVE kids.
I think this is because our generation of moms is facing an identity crisis: Torn between the modern women that our foremothers fought so hard to enable us to become and the traditional women society has molded us into being.
A sesquicentennial ago, our foremothers fought to give us a voice in politics with the women’s suffrage movement. Fifty years ago, women struggled to break the academic barrier and make a college education, rather than a wedding ceremony, the social norm after finishing high school. The generation before us sacrificed spending much time with their families, or sometimes having a family at all, in order to prove their value as leaders in the work place.
But what about our generation? What’s our legacy?
Some refer to us as the “Opt-Out Generation” because many of us (like the writers and readers of this blog) are well educated women, who held down steady jobs, supported themselves and lived independently before settling down and starting a family, at which point, many of us opted-out of the work force to raise kids.
Some mothers, like World Moms Blog Founder, Jennifer Burden, or Contributing Editor, Alison Lee, held down high-powered jobs they worked hard to get but then found their calling elsewhere, like social media or giving global moms a voice. Other mothers, like Wall Street Mama or Sophie Walker took maternity leaves and then returned to their high-demand careers on the trading floor and in international journalism.
When I was in college in the early 1990’s, Japan and the Tiger Economies were on the rise. So, I majored in Japanese and planned to pursue an international career with my skills but then those economies crashed and I was left with my double English minor to fall back on. I cashed it in for a Master’s degree in Journalism and then somehow fell into a successful career in philanthropy. Go figure.
But still, I was successful, and independent, and financially solvent.
In fact, from the time I met my future husband—who is almost five years my junior—until our first child was born, I commanded a higher salary than he did. Then he got into business school and we moved away. I left my job behind and settled into being a SAHM. A job I said I’d stick to until our youngest went to kindergarten.
That was six years and two children ago and now I’m starting to get antsy. Friends remind me that I begin waxing nostalgic and talking about going back to work towards the end of every summer (which here in the United States entails a ludicrous TEN WEEKS of school vacation). I think this is because I am a person who has a hard time living in the present and am always planning the next activity. By the end of the summer, I have driven my children all around the Northeast, from Pennsylvania to Canada, in pursuit of fun and adventure. By the end of the summer I am burned out, fried and no longer a fun mom.
I deeply appreciated Diana Stone’s article last week about pursuing her freelance writing career and hiring a sitter a few times each week to give her the space and freedom to pursue this goal. Like so many of us, unless I am working on a paid project, I battle the guilt of hiring a sitter so I can focus on my writing. Writing to me is a joy and an escape so if I’m not writing for a client, I feel I should be doing my other job: Camp Counselor Mom.
Today, I hired a sitter and came to the library to write. And, to ponder further what getting back into the workforce might look like.
I miss deeply the conviviality (and sometimes drama) of fellow colleagues. I miss having my own space, free of Legos, school projects and cats. I miss earning my own paycheck…though I suppose I still receive one, since technically I am a contract writer for my former employer; it’s just that the pay is sporadic and somewhat unreliable based on project size and frequency. Most of all, I miss the identity I had as a gainfully employed adult before I became a mom.
The trouble is, going back to work also means giving up a lot of the things I take for granted, like the ability to cart my kids all over the Northeast in pursuit of fun and adventure. The luxury of hand-picking their extracurricular activities based on their schedules and not mine. The flexibility I offer my husband in the pursuit of his career goals. The freedom to design my own work hours and job sites: a coffee shop in the morning; the library in the afternoon; home office at night. The pleasure of being my own (and my kids’) boss.
Our generation of moms has been given a gift: to design the jobs and careers and flexibility we want and need. Landing that job may take exceptional creativity, contacts and aspiration but technology (and a lot of hard work by our foremothers) has created the opportunity.
After having kids, I lost my drive for continuing my former career. This fall, my youngest child enters preschool. That means four half-days of time to ponder my next phase of life. To figure out what configuration of work-life balance makes sense and what field to focus on. Or maybe it means I’ve been given a little-bit-longer to try just living in the here-and-now.
Have you already figured out who you are or who you want to be when your children are old enough to let you pursue those goals? If not, what do you want to be when they grow up?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Senior Editor, Kyla P’an.
Kyla P'an (Portugal)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
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Love this post, Kyla. I’ve only been out of the workforce for 3+ years but I already feel antsy, hence my tentative foray into social media (all voluntary at this point to get experience). I do feel that if I ‘exercise’ my brain and allow myself some time for me to be me, I’ll be a better mother to my children.
AlisonSWLee I totally agree. Recognizing what empowers us to be the best we can be (whether mom, employee, wife or friend) is half the battle. Pursuing that path of empowerment is the other. You are well on your way my friend!
I think that’s why I am reluctant to go back to an office job – that lack of flexibility to bring the kids to do whatever we want. Or to be there for them when they get sick. Actually I mostly really like my life right now as a SAHM.
Lady Jennie Jennie, if you like being a SAHM then you’re already accomplished the goal: love what you do and you’ll never work another day in your life. For me, I both stay at home and work from home on a project by project basis. When the kids are in school with short vacations and days off during the school year, life feels very balanced. For the ten-week long summer vacation, when I try to enjoy having them around more and not over-programming them, life feels out of whack. I guess the lesson I’m learning is that ten weeks of mommy planning all the activities is too much. I completely understand why summer camps are so robust here in the US.
I just started having a mother’s helper, a neighborhood friend, come over for just a few hours a week to play with the kids while I’m sorting out the paperwork (go figure because we’re a website) of World Moms Blog. I haven’t been able to get it all done at night, and I like my day job, so I stay true to my girls while they are awake. I do all my main blog related work at night when they’re in bed.It’s really not so weird because when they see our 11 year old friend walk in the door, they are so excited to play with her. Maybe what I haven’t realized is that a break from me is good for them, too. 🙂 Kyla — fantastic post! Jen 🙂
jburden Jen, that’s so important and such a good decision on your part. I marvel at the amount of time today’s mom spends not only with our kids but actually entertaining them. I don’t understand how mothers of yore were able to do it differently (Like Ma Ingles for example). I can’t believe it took you this long to bring someone in…summer is an especially tough time with school and daycare vacations.
I am reading this and in many ways nodding my head in agreement, (even though I am a working single mom) because lately I have been really wondering if I am pursuing the right career path, and seeking ways to possibly make some changes. It is a bit of a risky thought for me as I have a child to support, but I do take the luxury of asking these questions and considering other possibilities. And then I am reminded of the luxury of this line of thinking. We in the Western world, and some parts of developed Asia, are so lucky to have these points to ponder. Here in Bali, women don’t get to ask what they want to be, or when they should go back to work, or if they should pursue a career other than the one their degree affords them. This article was a great read, I think especially because it reminded me of how blessed I am to be able to think about these things. You have given me fuel for a future post! Thanks Kyla!
ErinMichelleThrelfall Erin, you’re so right. We ARE lucky to have this choice to grapple. And I’m really happy that modern conveniences have allowed us to be able to work outside of the home and still get things done (like laundry, mending and the dishes). Thanks for liking my post and I’ll look forward to reading yours.
I can relate to this post on so many levels. Having a successful
career in business and then changing my career to teaching only to find
out I was pregnant and then moving to Europe for six years. I still
have a toddler at home and wonder what my next steps will be. How to
take all my experience but still work while incorporating the freedom
and flexibility to raise my children.
This is such a good post! Relatable as well. The title made me laugh, because as time passes and Some of my pre-baby goals have not been met, I also do wonder what I will do once they grow up. I am also torn between staying at home full-time without working, or at least having a work-at-home job. For financial reasons and for mental balance I do want to have a job working from home. But that’s also because I do not trust people enough to leave my infant and toddler with them while my husband and I work outside of the home. So my current path is one that leaves some of my goals on hold. And that’s ok. I am learning that after all success may just be raising happy human beings and having a happy home.