I often get told how “lucky” I am to have such a great relationship with my 19 year old son and my 16 year old daughter. I usually smile and agree that I am, indeed, lucky to be blessed with such a great husband and kids.
Is it just luck, though? Gary Player (the golfer) famously said; “The more I practice, the luckier I get!” With that in mind, I decided to think about what my husband and I did which (I believe) made us “lucky”! Who knows, maybe some of these tips will improve your luck too!
1. Discipline: Before I conceived our first child, my husband and I talked a lot about our families of origin. We discussed how we were disciplined and how we felt growing up. I come from a broken home – a home which was fragmented even before my parents finally divorced – and I remember feeling very insecure because rules and punishments were very inconsistent.
In my opinion, for discipline to be truly effective, both parents need to be a “united front” and should never undermine each other’s authority in front of the kids. It’s also important to “pick your battles” because you don’t want to be constantly punishing your kids for trivial reasons. The big payoff is that our teens have never tried the “If Dad says no, ask Mom ploy” because they know that Mom & Dad always give the same answer!
2. Honesty: Our children actually know way more than we tend to give them credit for. I learnt to tell my 3 year old – “I don’t know, let’s look it up together” after I’d given him a made up answer for how a combustion engine works (I still don’t really know how!) and a week or so later gave a different answer to the same question! Believe me, it’s way better to say “I don’t know” than try to justify to a 3 year old why you just made something up (lied!)
For me honesty is more than that, though. If you say you are going to do something you must do it – whether it was something fun like going somewhere or it is the “consequence” of their misbehaviour! Following through is the way you prove to your children that you can be counted on. Believe me, you’ll really reap the benefits of this one when your children become teens.
You see, kids do what you do, not what you say. It’s really terrific knowing that you have teens who don’t lie to you! By the way, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy etc are an integral part of the magic of childhood … absolutely real!! (Recently my daughter confessed that she’d figured out the true identity of Santa years sooner than I thought she had. When I asked her why she kept playing along, she said it was because I seemed to enjoy pretending and she didn’t want to spoil it for me!)
3. Being Human: Fact – we all make mistakes, it’s a part of being human. The best thing you can do for your children is to accept responsibility for your mistakes and apologise. Trust me, they will respect you more if you show them that yes, even Mom & Dad sometimes get things wrong! The other payoff is that, if you model owning up to your mistakes, they will own up to their mistakes too!
4. Fun: Take every possible opportunity to have fun with your kids. I know it’s a cliche’, but time really does go by very fast! The big payoff is that (if you’ve made time to have fun with them when they are small) they’ll make time to have fun with you when they are teens!
My daughter has a large circle of friends and is usually out on weekends … unless we’re having a Family Game Night – that trumps all! My husband is an avid “gamer” so our son usually brings his friends over to our house so they all (including my husband) can play computer LAN games together! There’s no sound more wonderful than that of laughter – no matter how young or old you are, laughter truly is the best medicine!
5. Listen, don’t just hear: Somewhere I read that God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth because we’re meant to listen twice as much as we talk! If you want your teens to talk to you, make sure that you make the time to really listen to them when they’re small. Also remember that they don’t always want your advice, they might just need to “vent”. There’s nothing better than knowing your teens consider you their “safe place to fall”.
Despite what I’ve just written, I strongly believe that each person and family dynamic is unique. You should only do what feels right for you and your family. Trust your instincts. My children are polar opposites of each other – yet I’m immensely proud of both of them, and have a great relationship with both of them. It just might be “luck” after all!
What makes you feel lucky or blessed? Do you think anything you did helped to bring this blessing into your life?
Mamma Simona lives in Cape Town, South Africa, with her husband, 2 teens, 2 dogs and 2 cats. She’s been both a SAHM and a working mother in many diverse fields. She writes exclusively for WMB.
Photo credit to the author.
Mamma Simona (South Africa)
Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!
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Simona, I think you are lucky and you worked hard to be this lucky!
I hope to be a good parent too and someday when my son is in his teens, able to write a post and say I have been luck. You inspire me. Your family rocks!
Thanks Purnima! I have no doubt that you’ll be just as “lucky” as I am because you’re laying the right foundations right now. Love & best wishes, Simona xoxo
Great advice, Simona!
Kudos on raising great kids who want to be part of your life! My boys are still little, and I think about how we can stay connected as they grow, especially during the teens years. We are laying a good foundation, but there is always more that can be done. I appreciate these tips!
I think part of relationships within families might come down to luck. My parents did everything you did, but I was a miserable teenager that really made life difficult for them. Fortunately I managed to check myself before I ruined all their efforts!
Great job – sounds like a lot of our core values too. I just wish we were better at games. I know how important that is for the family but neither of us are big game people.
Great advice Simona! I hope to be as lucky as you once my little ones get to be teens 🙂
Simona,
Your positivity is contagious! I’m picturing fun family game nights when my kids get older. I love it!
I was just looking at my daughters this morning while they were playing on the floor, and I thought to myself, “They’re here. I finally met them. I’ve been waiting for this all my life.” And, I felt really lucky to be a mom.
Jen 🙂
My parents were never the “because I said so” kind of parents – they always gave me reasons for their rules and gave me the same level of respect that they expected from me: they never insulted me, always said please and thank you, and considered my feelings equally to theirs when discussing plans (like, if I wanted the car to go to a movie but my mother needed it to go to choir, we talked about how both of our desires could be acomodated). It’s a huge reason why we’re still close, and I plan to treat my children the same way.
The only thing I missed in my childhood were games. My parents didn’t really play with me. Everything was loving and respectful… but serious. I want to play and laugh with my kid, too.
What a great post Simona! It’s nice to get this kind of insight from a fellow mom that is further down the road and turning around, smiling and waving 🙂 I definitely agree with your points, and it made me feel like I’m on the right track. Thanks!
Love this post, Simona. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Hopefully, when my son is older I can say the same thing 😀
Really great advice here! And you are sooo right: consistency and follow-through are so important!
What great, simple guidelines to happy family relationships. So easy to forget to be present and conscious of what you do and how you do it sometimes, particularly in the heat of the moment. I’m so glad I read your blog now, when I’m in a reflective period for how we are working together and with our kids while they are little. I hope we find ourselves where you are – no doubt with just as much hard work to get us there…