My six year old son has a resuable water bottle with a pink top that is covered with bees and daisies.
When it’s time to replaceΒ our son’sΒ gear, we letΒ him choose what he likes without telling him things are specifially for boys or girls. However, most thingsΒ are marketed to boys (with monsters, bugs or vehicles) or to girls (with flowers, crowns and birds). This marketing seems everywhere from a young age, withΒ advertisements showing boys holding the “boy”Β stuff and girls with the “girly” stuff. FromΒ toys to flatware, everything is divided.
Do I mind this early play into gender stereotypes? Yes and no. I am ok with having multiple versions of a toy in different colors available, but I would prefer they were not marketed to a specific gender. And if I am being honest here, I have fallen in step with the divide. My son wears lots of blue and zero pink. Would I mind him wearing pink? No, but I buy what is easy and available, and I don’t go out ofΒ my way to get him t-shirts that span the color of the rainbow. If he asked for a pink t-shirt, I would do my best to find him one.
In the meantime, I am educating my son about choosing what he likes and being confident with those choices regardless of advertisements.
My son first became aware of these gender rules in preschool. When we were looking for a replacement for a broken toy, he asked if it was OK for him to get the pink “girl”Β one rather than the blue “boy” one. I explained it was the exact same device, but just in different colors, so he could pick whichever one he preferred. He ended up with the blue one, and I made a mental note that the days of “that’s for girls” was coming.
Fast forward a few years. When it was time to pick a new water bottle, we showed him his choices, and he immediately went for the bees and flowers bottle. I admit that the “girliness” of the bottle crossed my mind, and I made sure to show him all the designs before confirming his choice. I didn’t mind him having this bottle, but I assumed that eventually someone, somewhere would make a comment to him regarding its appropriateness. But I didn’t say anything and let him decide. My son loves nature, so flowers won, and the purchase was completed.
My son attended Kindergarten this past year, and one day he came home and said a boy told him he had a girl’s water bottle. I wanted to explain to him why this comes up in a way he could understand, reaffirm his choice of enjoying what he likes in the face of peer pressure, and not come down on this other boy who was making an age appropriate observation based on societal norms.
I told my son that there are people in this world, adults and kids alike, who think there should be special rules about what boys like versus what girls likeΒ There are people who think only girls can like pink and play with dolls while only boys can wear camoflauge and play army.Β I told him I don’t understand those rules.
These rules limit the stuff people can like and do β who is to say what we each can or cannot like? We talked about our friends who like to do all different things, like the little girl next door who like to dress like a princess but will play monsters. And there is my son who loves flowers and BMX biking. So yes, some people make choices based on what they think is “for boys” or “for girls,” but we don’t all have to make choices like that. Also, there are girls who simply loveΒ princesses, and boys who simply love trucks. That’s ok too.
Since this talk, he continues to have kids question his choice of water bottle. Have my lessons sunk in? Well…during T-ball, a coach offered to get my son’s water bottle for him off the bench, to which my son yelled, “Thanks! It’s the girly one!” He wasn’t attaching meaning to that. He was just trying to be helpful. And he hasn’t asked to not use it or replace it. So he seems perfectly fine with his “girly” water bottle. And I am pleased with this little victory in self esteem, because I know this is just the tip of the iceberg.
How does your culture address what is appropriate for boys versus girls? How do you handle this in your home?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Tara B. of Washington (State) USA.
Photo credit to the author.
Great post Tara! I love how you talked him through boys and girls doing a mix of things regardless of gender. We do the same. I think 1) it keeps lines of communication open at home so they know they can always come to talk to you about stuff like this, and 2) it helps them see that there is more than one way of thinking about these issues.
You raise some good points, Eva, and I do hope this sets a basis for future conversations. Thanks for your comments!
I think it’s great that you’ve had that conversation with your son – sounds like he’s absorbed the lesson well.
Thanks Alison! It does feel good to know that he is taking in my feedback as well as his peers in making up his mind about these things. I hope that continues.
I love this post. We try to do the same too. But the guy is into cars, so mostly ‘boyish’ things get purchased. But he loves nature, so flowers and animals kind of things also get purchased.
Once, he argued with his peers that strawberries are not girly kind of fruits. They are common for both. lol.. I always wonder how the guys came to the conclusion that strawberries are girly fruits. Man, but I was so happy to learn that he stuck to his opinion and continues loving strawberries. He loves purple and sometimes argues with his daddy how colours get to be boy and girl colours. I so love him.
Once again, love this post, Tara.
Strawberries are girl fruits?! Too funny. Kids do come up with all kinds of things, don’t they? And I like that your son is confident in his ideas and willing to defend them. Thanks for the feedback π
Awesome attitude from your son, shows you taught him well. Great post! My son is mortified when I got him a pink polo shirt. I told him he looks good in it but he’s not having it.
Thanks Maureen! And how funny about the polo shirt. I bet your son does look good π
With an older sister who loves dress-up, my son has been wearing princess dresses and tutus since before he could crawl. He loves his trains and cars, but sometimes chooses to play with My Little Pony. When he questions the gender-appropriateness of an item, it is usually his sister who tells him first that toys are to be played with and it doesn’t matter who chooses to like to play with them. While encouraging to hear her say that, it has occurred to us that she definitely wins out when her brother is happy wear his tutu and tiara for the princess tea she’s putting on!
Mara – Your comments have me smiling because I grew up with 1 brother and 3 sisters, so my brother did his share of playing cheerleaders, Barbies, etc. But he also taught me to wrestle and play with hot wheels. Siblings of different genders have that fun dynamic! I have a boy only household now, so there is a heavy trucks and tools presence. But my sons’ best buddies are girls, so they occasionally get their share of prince and princess play π Thanks for chiming in.
this is a great post, tara. my girl is very girly, but grew up on pirates and godzilla movies. personally, i grew up scrapping and crashing my dirt bike, i can’t stand the color pink and i loathe barbies, so i was worried to even have a girl-child. she has turned out to be quite girly (so far) and is now into “cool” clothes. she’s 7.5…i was hoping not to have to fight with her over blue jeans for a few more years. recently we bought some reusable sandwich bags. i love the product and grabbed the last 3 on the rack. two were “princess” and one was “cars”. she got very upset and says she will not use the “cars” bag. save me.
Evi – How funny! Growing up in a house with primarily girls, I wondered how I would handle 2 boys. But it has been very freeing, as I am not particularly girly myself. I love your stories! Thanks for commenting.
Great post! I couldn’t agree with you more π My son (who is now 19 and in a committed heterosexual relationship, by the way) played more with dolls than my daughter ever did! In fact one of my fondest memories of my daughter as a toddler are when I saw her very neatly lining up all her brother’s toy cars in 2 straight lines all the way down our passage. I couldn’t resist asking her what she was doing and she replied; “I’m playing bumpity-bumpity twaffic” π
I always loved to play with my brother’s toy cars and tracks! And what a cute memory of your daughter. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
It’s a great post, Tara! I keep an open mind about my boy’s choices of toys and personal items – it’s the husband who’s very keen to keep him away from the ‘girly’ stuff, to which I told him not to inculcate such stereotypes in our son. Btw, he’s just a 2.5 yo toddler – I feel he should have all the freedom to explore what he likes.
Ruth – I couldn’t agree more! As for my husband, he is pretty much on the same page as me (in fact, he has a pair of hot pink crocs [shoes] that he got on a dare to prove he didn’t care that they were girly). However, I know different folks have varying comfort levels with this type of thing, which is why I wanted my son to be able to understand why he might get these types of questions. I don’t want to say “they’re wrong,” because people are entitled to their opinions, even if I don’t share them. But I do want my son to be able to say “ok..you believe that’s right for you, but this is what I like regardless.”
Tara,
Great post! I wonder what if there were more “girl” pictures on blue stuff and more “boy” pictures on pink stuff if that would make a difference. I know my girl would have loved to have anything dinosaur on her favorite color pink.
We do the same over here. Blue dinosaur wellies were a hit with my 5 year old this year!
Jen π
You raise an interesting point. I wonder that too. I also wonder whether there is more acceptance for one group to explore stepping over the gender divide than the other, and how that’s changed over the years or varies by region. Hmmm…..lots to ponder. Thanks for commenting π
When my son was about 2.5 and in preschool they learned about different colors each week, and we’re supposed to wear the color of the day each week. When pink day was coming up, my mom took him to a store to get him a pink shirt and saw a cute button down for him…he said that he absolutely refuses to wear it, and that he hates pink. Amazingly, fast forward 3 years and he still has a great dislike for pink…unless its for his sister, who is such a girly girl and loves pink, and shoes, and jewelry – lol. Meanwhile, he loves to play with his sister’s tea set and doll house and she loves to play with his firemen and trucks. I do let them each choose water bottles recently, and inevitably my son chose a green one with pirates, and my daughter chose the pink one with animals (the first pink water bottle in the house, since until now everything was bought for a boy π ).
Maman Aya – In Kindergarten, my son also had color week where they were supposed to wear a certain color shirt each day. He has a blue shirt with all different colored cars on it that had to be re-used for pink and purple day. I just didn’t have those on hand! But if I did, I think he would wear them. And how fun to hear about how your kids swap toys. Thanks for commenting.
My older boy (7) is very boyish but open to all forms of play, just not all forms of dress. Not so my youngest, 4 years old and a big, muscular, powerhouse of all-boy energy. He LOVES dresses and princesses, and promises us he’ll grow up to be one. (a princess, not a dress.) To see him at school in a crinoline tutu, doing ninja moves and performing princess magic all at once – it’s a true joy.
That said, our waterbottles are red or blue. Mom’s fuscia one is only used as a last resort when she herself offers it. They’d rather drink from a tap. Even when wearing a tutu. My takeaway: give them choices, and they’ll start making their own – support their choices, and they’ll keep making them!
“give them choices, and theyβll start making their own β support their choices, and theyβll keep making them”
What a perfect way to sum it up, Dan! And the vision of your ninja princess made my day.
the ninja princess!! i love the visual there. i can just see him, roundhouse-kicking the bozo punching bag, while wearing a tutu. lovelovelove.
I love this post! I was thinking about it today as we attended ballet class with two boys. They are twins – and one likes pink and the other likes blue. Big Girl, at just 5, does not yet question what is gender appropriate. But she knows what she likes. And she leans towards the girly. But we are trying to balance that out. On her recent birthday, we were sure to have princesses AND pirates! Thanks for sharing this.
I love that there are boys in her ballet class. My son expressed interest in dance at one time, and I was all for it. But that fad has passed, and now he does karate. But he got thoroughly schooled by a little girl in his class when they were seeing who was the fastest with high kicks, so it’s good that he sees boys and girls excelling physically. And your pirates and princess party sounds like a blast!
What a laugh I got from your son calling out “it’s the girly one.” π Well good! He sounds very easy going on the topic, which is how it should be.
Yes, so far he seems unphased. In fact, his best friends are girls, so I think he just hasn’t confronted much of macho factor yet. However, I am glad we are talking through this stuff, because even as adults, we get push back on what we like from people. It’s important to be confident with your choices early on. Thanks for chiming in π