I struggled, while raising my elder son, about which parenting style was best in order to raise a well-behaved child. I was struggling because I didn’t know how to balance being firm and giving him the tenderness he needed. I was raised in a very strict and conservative family and school. Love and emotions weren’t expressed in any way, only strict rules and orders. The main objective was to have obedient and well-behaved kids.
I didn’t want to raise my child the same way. I was convinced that it was important for me to show my love to my child. As my style didn’t match my parent’s style, I was criticized and blamed when my son committed any mistake because I didn’t punish or spank him. They thought that showing emotions and love was a sign of weakness. I was totally against these beliefs, and wanted to raise my son differently. But, sometimes when I was under the pressure of their blame, I found myself spanking him on rare occasions.
It has taken me many years to find out which parenting style I want to follow with my kids.
When my elder son was 7, I felt he was going through a tough time, as he had a new brother and his father and I were separating. At that time, I felt that he was suffering a lot and, although he loves me so much, I felt he was extremely angry with me.
I was consumed by my problems with his father, taking care of his younger brother, and my full-time job. I decided to consult a counselor and she advised me to hold him in my arms many times a day. In a short time, it made a great difference in our relationship and in his behavior with others, many noticed the change . It made him become more and more open, and he started to share with me his thoughts about what was going in his life more than ever.
I know that my kids are not that obedient but they respect and value themselves. They are self confident and polite. They argue; they object. It’s not that easy to give them orders or ask them to do something but, in the end, they do what I ask them to do. They don’t want me to be angry with them and want to please me, not because they are compelled or fearful.
I insist on showing and verbally expressing my love in every situation, especially after conflicts. I want to let them believe that my love for them is unconditional.
I remember once my younger son asked me: “Mum do you know what is the precious treasure?” When I asked him why he asked this question, he told me that they have an Arabic lesson titled “The Precious Treasure.” Then he repeated the question again. I answered no, I don’t know the precious treasure meant in the lesson, but I know what is the precious treasure for me. “What is it?” And I answered, “You and your brother.” He was extremely surprised and he asked, “Do you really mean it?” I said, “Yes dear” and he looked so happy and proud.
Showing care and love to my sons was very important for them in order for them to value and love themselves. I don’t need to punish them or spank them any more. Showing my love to both my kids, and how precious they are to me, made an unbelievable change in our relationship.
I have learned that I didn’t need to be strict or punish them for every mistake in order to have well-behaved sons.
Have you gone through any experiences that have made you rethink your approach to parenting? How do you deal with the intrusion of others, especially family members, when it comes to how you raise your children?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Nihad from Alexandria in Egypt. Nihad blogs at Aurora Beams Life Coaching.
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
I think it’s wonderful that you chose to parent your children in the best way YOU see fit. And parenting them with love and hugs and affection – how could that be wrong in any way?
But usually there is an internal voice, Did I do it the right way or am I spoiling them? Thanks:)
This post is heartwarming and beautiful. I too grew up where although my family is very close, we don’t express our love by hugging or saying “I love you” a lot. It’s just wasn’t in our nature. Now, with my son I hold him a lot, and kiss him a lot especially because I had gone through divorce too. As for the discipline part, funny enough my parents who used the corporal punishments on me when I was little sometimes complained that I’m being too hard when I send my son on time-out hahaha.
Grand parents sees things from other perspective than parents sometimes they refuse to be firm and prefer to be more tender and caring with their grand child while they weren’t the same way with their kids. I think it is related to the age my parents were stricter with me and my brother and were less strict with my 2 other brothers who are 10 and 16 years younger than me. I mean that Young parents are firmer than older ones and it’s the same with grand parents. thanks 🙂
Well done, Nihad! Believe me I know first-hand how difficult it is to go “against” the way you were raised. I totally believe that, if you listen to your “inner voice” you’ll always do what’s best for you and your children!
But I always have a concern about the discipline.
I wonder if I am clear about the discipline and if I am clear about what is accepted and what is not? What I really fear is that my parenting style that I followed with them when they were children won’t work when there are teens.
Thanks 🙂
Nihad,
I’m in tears over here. This is so beautiful. 🙂 It’s amazing that the power of holding a child in your arms, no matter what their age, can have on them. As social beings there is a piece of what you write that points to how much we really do need each other. It also makes me think of the children in orphanages who aren’t held enough and makes me want to do more there!
I love reading about your life in Egypt!!!
As for your question, yes, I’ve had older relatives ask me to stop breastfeeding after 6 mos. I didn’t stop then. I get, “Your parents used to let us feed you kids whatever you wanted”, and they don’t like that I won’t let my kids pile into all the sugary, artificial substances they can eat at one time. I found that I’ve had to follow my heart on these things. I care about my kids so much, and it’s about making a better life for them. That’s the core.
Jen 🙂
Sometimes I hold my younger child in my arms because I need to feel the warmth in his arms. Holding them is not serving them only but me as well. I believe that following our heart in raising our kids is very important but the only thing that worries me a lot is that it’s a one way process so if we have done something wrong would I be able to correct it and I ask guidance from Allah. It’s not only the parents or the family who are affecting a life of a kid now there are many other things like the media and the internet. All I can do is to do my best, taking good care of them and pray Allah to help me protect them.
You made me think about children in orphanages, being not held enough is the not the major problem but sometimes they are abused, aggressively treated and neglected. They are a real problem in many countries.
Thank you 🙂
I grew up in a family where love was expressed every minute of every day and I can say it makes such a difference. Well done for overcoming the critics of your family and staying strong for raising your children the way you wished Nihad. It’s all good for them now and in the future.
Marie
The way you talked about your family and how love was expressed made me imagine the warmth of your house, it’s a blessing from Allah to offer a loving family to a person. God bless you all and keep you safe for each other. Thank you 🙂
I am constantly going against what my mother says I need to be doing, which is especially hard since she babysits them during the day while I’m at work. Since birth, if my son made a noise in his crib, she would jump to pick him up instead of letting him play on his own, and it has continued to this day. He is a ver bossy, demanding 5 year old around his grandmother. It is getting to a point that he is not so nice with her, because she just gives in all the time. I agree completely with showing them lots of hugs and love, but also feel that it’s ok for them to have time-outs or things taken away for bad behavior (and it’s ok not to give into their every desire). 🙂
I agree with you that bad behavior must be handled the right way and sometimes I wonder if I am firm enough about that. I am not used to use time out with them but I may deprive them from playing on the computer or going out or having anything they want or even not talking or doing something to them until they apologize. The balance is not that easy and sometimes what works with one child doesn’t with the other.
Thank you
I agree with you that bad behavior must be handled the right way and sometimes I wonder if I am firm enough about that. I am not used to use time out with them but I may deprive them from playing on the computer or going out or having anything they want or even not talking or doing something to them until they apologize. The balance is not that easy and sometimes what works with one child doesn’t with the other.
Thank you 🙂
I love your answer for your son. This is a heart-felt post. I was raised with more discipline than affection, but didn’t mind the spanking because I never felt like my father lost his control. We spank, but not when we’re mad – only when a child is openly defiant or runs into the street. I also give a lot of love, but my weakness is really in giving them attention. I’m so caught up in all there is to do. Agh! Don’t we moms all just want to do it right?
I always wonder do we have to spank our kids to punish for their fatal mistakes like running in the street?
As I hate spanking I stopped doing it years ago and never will do but I see some people find it the best way for reminding a kid to never repeat a mistake.
I don’t think there is only one right way to raise a child we need to try different ways and we follow the one that is aligned with our values and our life.
Thank you:)
such a beautiful post. inspiring in many ways. I did too grow up in a family where affection was very rare. hitting and spanking, on the other hand, was a normal thing.
Many times I find myself acting like my mother, emotionless. I try very hard to fight with it telling my daughters how much I love them and hugging them a lot even when I don’t feel good (or especially when I don’t feel good).
You are doing a fantastic thing by telling your daughters how much you love them and hugging them. I once read in a book that showing love to our kids is very important especially girls for their self love and self esteem, they feel appreciated and loved so they don’t look for love with the first man they meet who may abuse them.
Thank you 🙂
I really love the idea of holding your kids in your arms each day. I often think I don’t physically show love in that way enough. But I do make sure to tell me sons how much I love them. Especially after a fight, I remind my sons that I may not love everything they do, but I will always love them. Nothing can change that.
As for intrusive family, we live far away from our relatives, so they don’t interfere much. Even when we are together, they let us parent as we choose, so we are lucky that way. Kudos to you for deciding what works best for your household!
I feel that holding them in my arms is bringing me satisfaction and feel of being love as much it’s bringing to them. Sometimes it’s me who needs it 🙂
Having an extended family and contacting them often is nice for the kids but is not always nice especially when they are excessively caring so they volunteer to give advice all the time which I don’t like and can’t cope with it.
Thank you:)