There’s a reality that’s been gnawing at me for a long time. I’m talking about the pressures that face women – unwanted pressures from society.
As soon as you hit the age of 25, people start asking, “When will you get married?” After your wedding they will ask, “When is ‘our’ firstborn arriving?” If your firstborn child is a baby girl, they will ask, “So when are you giving ‘us’ a boy?” And if your firstborn is a boy, they will ask you, “When are you giving ‘us’ a second child?” Even if you are lucky enough to give them all of that, they will demand a third, fourth and fifth child, because you must give them a namesake. In my African culture, we name our children after our relatives. It is a great honor to have a child named after you. Therefore, every relative will constantly put pressure on you to have more children so that you can give them a namesake.
In my country, there is a certain celebrity news anchor who recently married an equally famous gospel musician. The wedding was in December of last year, just eight short months ago. Since then, the public has been DEMANDING that the lovely couple give them a child. The public reacted horribly when the woman recently shared an old photo of herself on social media. It was a throwback photo of herself as a teenager in high school, reminiscing of the good times she had in her youth. The photo somehow made it to a popular online entertainment and gossip site, and the comments that followed the post were shocking.
“Stop showing us photos of your past, we want to see photos of you pregnant!” the commentators yelled.
“So now you are showing us photos of when you were a girl? Why not of now? Are you trying to hide something? Are you barren?” another asked.
“Give your husband a child now otherwise he will go looking elsewhere,” another said.
“If you’re having problems getting pregnant, inbox me. I’ll sort you out,” another offered.
Hundreds of comments followed, all of a similar nature.
It made me sad. Why does society put so much pressure on people? On couples? On women? What if the couple is not able to have a child? Or if they have been trying, unsuccessfully? What if they have suffered pregnancy loss – something they may not want to openly talk about? Or if they do not even want a child in the first place? Is it the public’s business? Society’s business? Their relatives’ business? Or is it between the husband and wife?
Seriously, as women, we have a lot to deal with, and we do not need societal pressure adding to our nightmares. Unfortunately, that is exactly what we face. In a society where a woman’s worth is valued by her reproductive prowess, it is indeed sad. In my culture, a woman may have achieved many notable feats and broken the glass ceilings over her head, but if she is not married (or, even worse, does not have a child), then she may just be nothing. Society will be harsh on her. That is, if they even recognize her.
But you know what else is interesting? Who is this society that we are talking about? Who are these people?
It is you and me. Us. We are the society. We are the same people who, when we meet a friend who got married over a year ago, will, while shaking her hand, be staring at her belly, trying to catch a glimpse of how swollen it is. Or whether it is swollen at all. Sometimes we do it consciously, sometimes we don’t even notice we are doing it. It just comes naturally. And then we talk with our other girlfriends saying “Lucy is not getting any younger, I wonder when she’s planning to start having babies.” That’s the pressure I’m talking about.
We all need to be a lot more sensitive to what fellow women go through. I hope you and I can make the difference.
This is an original post for World Moms Network by Maryanne W. Waweru of Mummy Tales in Kenya.
Photo courtesy of Frank Douwes / Flickr.
My 20 year old daughter showed me a very interesting video yesterday. A woman sat in a waiting room. She didn’t know it but everyone else in the room was an actor who was instructed to stand up as soon as they heard a certain sound. So, when everyone else stood up, she stood up too … even though she had no idea why. She just did what everyone else did. Then, one by one they all left until this woman was alone in the room (except for the hidden camera) and she *still* stood up when the she heard the sound. Another person came (who didn’t know anything about this hidden camera experiment) and when the lady stood up he actually asked her, why are you standing? and she said everyone else did it so I thought I had to. Guess what, they kept on standing up to the sound and as more and more people came in they “passed on” this behaviour to everyone! This experiment just goes to prove how conditioned we are to be seen to belong – to do what everyone else is doing. The only way to change things is to be aware of this, and start a different way of behaving *ourselves* so that, eventually, the new “normal” will be not to equate a woman’s worth by the number of kids she has!
You are so right Maryanne we are the first ones creating this reality, putting much pressure on women around us, without noticing it most of the time. We ought to change the way we act and stop judging people on what they should or should not do. Everyone is free to live the life he/she wants. We are not there to decide for them. We have enough of our life to manage.
It must be hard for women in your country to live with so much pressure, without freedom.
Hi Maryanne,
Having to wait a little longer than I expected to become successfully pregnant, I went through a similar situation with my grandmother in the USA! After I was married, she asked every time we spoke or saw each other, “Are you pregnant yet?”. I didn’t even start trying to get pregnant until about 5 years after I got married. She drove me nuts! But, opposite for the pressure to have a boy, she was hoping for a girl. Well, when all was said in done years later, she got two more great-granddaughters. But, I didn’t enjoy the pressure one bit!