“But I feel guilty…” she lowered her gazed and we all sensed how difficult it was for her to admit that.
“Please don’t be.” One of the ladies chimed in.
“Yes, please don’t feel bad. It is completely OK to getaway from motherhood for a bit.” Another adds their encouraging words.
As I sat there with 9 other women, all from different backgrounds; We got to learn, to understand and build more compassion towards others during the Joyful Living Retreat. I realized how many mothers feel that way too and how much I can relate to what the other ladies were sharing.
The guilt.
The guilt that weighs on mothers whenever they decide to do something for themselves; Where does it come from? Is it from unrealistic expectations we impose on ourselves? That we are the main caretakers, the one who holds the family together? There seems to be this invisible high bar we moms set ourselves up for.
Clean tidy home, Pinterest-worthy meals for the family, crafty fun for the kids, baby sign language, anyone?
I have been there before.
In the midst of juggling and keeping everything together, I sadly lost myself. I Lost my bearings. When I was still married, I was a helicopter mom who couldn’t leave my boy alone without feeling anxious and worried even when the ex-husband encouraged me to do so. I can’t understand that period, as it was quite hazy and blurry.
It’s easy for us moms to give and give and give even more. It all comes naturally with the territory of being a mother, isn’t it?
It took me quite a long time to shed that same guilt from my dictionary. Actually, it wasn’t until I became a single mom that I realized how important my “me-time” really is. For my own sanity and for my child’s happiness, it is crucial to have a sane mother. Don’t they say happy moms will have happy children?
Now, I make sure I refuel my love tank by doing what I love and knowing how healthy it is to do so sets me free from guilt. It is not selfish! It is healthy to make time for us to do what we love, to enjoy life. We really can’t pour from an empty cup and to fill that cup I recognized I must allow myself to be the woman I really am. For me, this started with working out, with having coffee with friends sans kids, to traveling out of town (and out of the country) without my son.
By nurturing the real Maureen, I am nurturing the mother of my child and I truly feel I am a much better mother when I am happy.
I’m not saying that you should ditch your children and travel the world – although you could – but start small, go for that line dance class you’ve been wanting to try or join that yoga class.
As the Joyful Living Retreat came to an end, I hugged that new friend of mine tightly and wished her well. She looked happy, lighter and relaxed which what I wish all of my mom friends would feel.
How about you, ladies? What do you do for “me time”? Did you feel guilty for taking the time away from your family?
This is an original article by World Mom Maureen Hitipeuw
Maureen
Founder of Single Moms Indonesia, community leader and builder. Deeply passionate about women empowerment.
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I’m dealing with “guilt issues” a lot Maureen. So I welcome your post and words with gratitude. Thanks
I believe too that it is important as a mum to have this “free-space” to recharge and be well, balanced and happy. Still it’s hard for me to create time for myself in my schedule.
I try more and more to set boundaries, cause I know that when I take care of myself, I better take care of my son.
We know what’s true and good for us, but it’s always a bit tough to put in practice. It must have something to do with our limited beliefs.
Totally understand that awful feeling of guilt when I compare myself with mums who choose to stay home to take care of their kids and be there for their every milestone. But over time, I’ve come to learn that I’m as much as a mum even though I choose to work while my mum takes care of my girl. Now, I think it’s healthy for my daughter to see me pursuing my interests and setting aside time for myself to travel with friends, exercising and even indulging in my hobbies. We really need to encourage mums not to feel guilty when they take care of themselves because we can’t give when we are running low ourselves.
For me time, it’s meditation and exercise. Now that the kids are back to school, I have to do a better job at working them both into my schedule. My guilt more lies in having to say no to things. I want to do it all. I’m asked to volunteer for a bunch of things, but I have been taking on too much. I want to focus on the website more, be involved with Girl Scouts for both of my girls and after 9 years begin to do some things just for myself after 9 years. This is the first year that both girls are in school full time. It’s time!
Great post, Maureen!
I love your post Maureen, because feeling guilty seems to be synonymous with being a mother! I wish that I’d learnt at a younger age just how detrimental that guilt was, not only to *my* health, but to that of my family as well. Unresolved guilt and feelings of “not being good enough” (if not dealt with) can actually lead to Depression. As a survivor of Depression I can honestly tell you that (once you’re Depressed) you can’t even take care of *yourself* never mind your loved ones!! The BEST thing you can do for your children is to take care of their mother! None of us are advocating neglecting your family’s needs, but we *are* saying that it’s extremely important that you don’t neglect YOUR needs either! Purnima recently introduced me to Heartfulness Meditation, so that’s one of the things that I do for myself, but it’s easy now because my children are grown. This is something else I can tell you … you know all those decisions you agonized over and felt guilty about? Odds are better than good that your children don’t even remember them!! Seriously! I’ve had some very in-depth conversations with my 20 year old daughter and she looked at me blankly when I told her how guilty I felt about something, and she didn’t remember that, but she *did* remember family road trips, me reading her bedtime stories and playing games with her and her brother. Create memories like that, and you *really* don’t have to stress about doing ANYTHING “Pinterest worthy” (Thank God not even Facebook existed when my kids were small!) 😛
Wonderful insight, Maureen… Thank you for writing beautifully… All women in the world have the rights to be happy and content life, including single moms. We all should learn how to balance between being loving, caring and inspiring moms to our kids and having time, energy and spirit to fulfil our needs and dreams in life. When done in such graceful manner and gratitude, our kids will have reasons to be strong and inspired. Yes, we can give the best gift in their life: having role models of wonderful moms that they hold so close in their hearts. The kids dream of having moms who are kind, playful, attentive and ready to support, yet interested in learning, exploring life, expanding knowledge and experiences, and eager to enjoy life … It is a struggle, but it is not a burden when the heart is open, and filled with love and care to fuel up our actions…
I feel this blog, and website, is useful to all family people,not only mothers.