The moment I saw the title of the book, I knew what the author meant. It was as if it was written for me. Black Milk by Elif Shafak, renowned novelist from Turkey, is a memoir described as ‘a thoughtful and incisive meditation on literature, motherhood, and spiritual well-being.’
Although I enjoy reading, I am not good at writing book reviews. As a lover of books, I can talk about what I read with friends, who, like me, are still amazed by the creativity of authors. I find it easy to talk about my favorite books, and the stories that stick with me, ones that I will never forget. However, writing an objective book review is something I find very challenging. Yet with Black Milk, I believe I owe mothers out there. I owe them sharing what I gleaned from reading this groundbreaking book.
Shafak wrote about herself – but it could have been about me. Me, a mother who experienced postpartum depression; a new mother who felt at a loss, and who thought that she should not feel this way; a woman who stopped doing things for herself and thought that motherhood should be more than enough; a mother who experienced fluctuations in her feelings 100 times a day; a woman who did not really understand what was going on.
Black Milk describes those ups and downs encountered by many new mothers, especially those experiencing anxiety about the huge change they’ve embarked upon – those mothers who overthink things and believe that they should be able to control the world, and not stop and ‘relax’ for a moment and ‘blend’ with the world.
In the book, Shafak has many inner conversations with her ‘Thumbelinas,’ who each represent aspect of herself. These tiny ladies are constantly fighting, trying to overcome one another to be the dominant part of her personality. Shafak is very objective in writing about them, and instead of hating them, you feel the opposite. In writing about the competing characteristics within, she seeks to find some kind of unifying identity for herself.
Shafak writes about western female writers as well, including Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, Simone de Beauvoir, and Alice Walker. She explores their lives, the way they found balance between being writers and mothers, or the way some of them chose one role over the other. In these women’s lives, Shafak seeks balance between her life as an artist, and her new life as a mother.
Being a mother and a writer means seeking some sense of self, besides the role of motherhood. The same applies to any personal career or decision a mother takes. Such a choice was not common in the West until recently, and it is still not acceptable in many eastern societies to this day. Thus this subject, though some might consider it a personal issue, is more of a political one that is affected by patriarchal societies. Elif Shafak does not make judgements, and why should she – this is a subject that has no right or wrong to it. The ability to choose and be respected for whatever choices you make should be totally acceptable.
Shafek’s book touched me, as a mother, a writer, and a woman. I really identified with her struggle, her experience with postpartum depression, and her personal crisis as she adapted to motherhood.
How do you find balance between your own personal well-being and the demands of motherhood? What books have inspired you on your journey?
This is an original post for World Moms Network by Ibtisam Alwardi of Oman.
Photo courtesy of Raúl Hernández González / Flickr.
The truth is that I didn’t *really* get over my Depression until my children were in Primary School already! I actually had to spend 6 weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital to get better, and that was the best possible decision I could have made for myself and for my family. If I could go back, I *wouldn’t* study Child Psychology and read all the different books about how I *should* raise my children. I would tell young me to trust herself because SHE knew her children best given that she had carried them within her own body for 9 months! I would tell her that she WAS good enough, and it didn’t matter if the house wasn’t spotless and if her husband had to cook the dinner! Despite (or maybe because they saw me overcome) my Depression and all my perceived flaws as a mother, I couldn’t be prouder of the young adults my son and daughter have become. They’re both studying at University. Both are in long-term committed, monogamous relationships and both are high achievers with a great sense of self. So if my 2 turned out so well, none of you have anything to worry about!! 🙂 Cut yourselves some slack moms, you ARE good enough!!!
Dear Simona,,
Your depression was pretty bad, I thought at that time I will never get out of it really. I didn’t know that many were and are on the same boat.What you say is absolutely true, very mother out there is amazing and you are amazing.
Thanks Simona
I was most affected by the books of Kathy Hirsh-Pasek. I read her books, “How Babies Talk” and “Einstein Never Used Flashcards.” They helped ground me in motherhood. I trusted in the research she pointed to, and she is proving right. There is a rush to teach toddlers and preschoolers how to read. Through reading her books, I learned that cognitive play trumped all when it came to brain development. Children were scores ahead of my older daughter in reading in the early years, but changed by 2nd and 3rd grade. We didn’t really begin to put importance on her reading until 1st grade (6 and 7 years old).
Hirsh-Pasek explained that children can read at earlier ages, but they are learning how to read differently because of their growing brains. At early ages, it is more memorization. But, if children learn to read a bit later, it will be easier for them to learn at that point in their brain development, and they will learn the material differently and focus less on memorization, which can’t hold as the amount of material becomes more and complex. This had an impact on the type of preschool I chose for them and the activities they participated in. We also continue to read to our kids at night, too. We found from the books that parents tend to stop reading to their kids at more complex levels after the kids learn to read on their own. So, we’ve kept the reading to them at night!
How this relates to your question, is that these books helped me feel comfortable about focusing on play for kids and not feeling the pressure to rush my kids into reading. That my parenting choices were valid. There are a lot of pressures when it comes to getting your kids an early start.
As for navigating becoming a mom myself, it has been blog posts. I’ve really enjoyed over the past 8 years reading the stories of other moms and relating or learning more. The community here has made me feel less alone in this journey!
Jen,
I will look for her books for sure, I totally agree regarding working on cognition rather than reading. I have done that as well and learning to read was emphasized later when they started school.
Moms blog did wonders for me as well, and through them I learnt about WMN. The magic was knowing that it is almost a support system that you can rely on.
Thanks Jen.
To piggyback on Jennifer’s comment, I read parts of Einstein Never Used Flashcards here and there, whenever I needed a reminder that I was doing okay as a parent. It really did help. Still, now that I have a toddler and a soon-to-be 2 year old, I still struggle with these questions you mentioned above, Ibtisam.
I would love to read this book. Thank you for sharing your take on it, even though you usually don’t do reviews that well 🙂 🙂
Yes Sophia , the struggle will be there, on and off. Sometimes its smooth while other times it more of a bumpy road. I am there believe me lol.
I am glad I was able to convince you about reading it lol. I read the Arabic translation but I am sure the original one in English should be way better.
Thanks Sophia
As we all tend to say being a mother is not an easy task. We do get a lot from our kids, yet it’s not always that easy to find our place and the right balance.
I’m still searching for it Ibtisam. I try to take an hour every morning to take care of me, meditate, pray or repeat positive affirmations. The hardest part is the weekend right now as I don’t have time to breath or do something on my own. I’ll get there, with time and patience. We will all!
Thanks for sharing this book with us. I think I’ll enjoy the read!
Dear Marie,
I have come to believe that as long as we keep searching, I think we should be fine. I worry when I meet people who believe they have answers. So as you said, its not always easy to find the balance. Children might need us always, but as they grow older, we can squeeze in more ‘me’ time fortunately. It is almost impossible to do so when they are toddlers and you are alone in taking care of them.
Yes sure we will all get there hopefully, thank you Marie 🙂