Today is my birthday but I don’t feel the need to celebrate.
It’s not about getting older. I don’t mind adding years to my curriculum. The years and some grey hairs might actually help to finally getting profiled as a mature scientist.
It’s about celebrating life. My life. I don’t feel like I should celebrate it while I’m going under in yet another episode of depression.
It has been two years since I was diagnosed with severe depression. I guess my reluctance to celebrate my birthday means I still haven’t come to terms with it. I’ve had therapy. I’m taking my meds. And still depression lurks around the corner. I loathe it. Depression makes me loath depression. At least thàt part makes sense.
But then there’s my children. They are my everything. They are the reason I’m holding on while giving up. I don’t struggle to take care of myself for me. I take care of myself for them. Depression or not, I’m still their mother. And I feel incredibly guilty about that.
I often feel I should never have decided to have children, let alone adopt a child. I worry about not providing a stabile environment for them to grow up in. I worry about transfering my lability to them. I worry about pushing them away from me when I’m over and out. I worry a lot.
In turn, they both worry about me.
My 9-year old son is the most worried and gets really affectionate when he sees I’m going through yet another rough patch. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but he does want to understand. My 7-year old daughter on the other hand, likes to tell everyone about her mom who is a bit coucou. She likes to talk about depression a lot.
So I talked to them about depression. I referred to it as the black balloon, and added some details as they grew older. They know some wires in my head are not connected as they should. That information is not coming in the right way. That I need to rest a lot to heal. That I’m in fact, yes, a bit coucou.
I also told them that it is still OK to laugh at me when I’m so utterly confused that I lose at every board game. That it’s all right and maybe even fun to instruct me on how to cook diner. And most importantly that I still love them with every inch of my coucou head.
Even on my birthday.
How do you feel about ‘combining’ mental illness with motherhood? Do you talk about mental illness with your children?
This is an original post for World Moms Network by K10K in Belgium. The picture is credited to the author.
I have totally been where you are, and feeling guilty is one of the biggest “weights” making it harder to get out of the pit of depression. What might help is to start looking at Depression in a new light. Depression is a chronic illness and it is NOT your “fault” and it is NOT something you can “snap out of”. I had my first really severe attack of Depression when I was 18 years old and I fought it over and over again for almost 20 years (with different doctors, therapists and medicines) before I actually allowed myself 6 weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital, followed by several months attending a weekly support group. It was the best decision I ever made. The very best thing you can do for your children is to LOVE their mother!! Depression makes you feel worthless, that’s why it is ESSENTIAL that you start repeating to yourself over and over again; “NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE DONE OR NOT DONE,I AM WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE” and also use the Serenity Prayer (Lord, please grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference). I have created a Facebook Page called Living with an Invisible Illness. It’s a “secret” group (in the sense that only current members can invite new members and only members can see posts) so it’s a very safe space to get the support from people who REALLY understand what you’re going through. There IS “light at the end of the tunnel” – despite my ongoing problems with Depression as well as several other auto-immune diseases (Lupus, Fibromyalgia and Psoriasis being my 3 main ones) my 23 year old son is married and studying at Goethe University in Frankfurt, and my 20 year old daughter is also studying and has been in a committed relationship for 3 years. Both of my children have grown into mature young adults with no adverse effects from having had a sick mom for their entire lives. In fact, recently, my daughter said that she was glad when I checked myself into hospital, because that was the first time she *really* understood what was wrong with me (psychologists counsel the family of patients as well). She was approximately 8 years old at the time. I know you and your family can overcome this! I won’t lie to you, even now I have some “bad days” (especially when I’m in a lot of physical pain) but I now have the tools to hang on and not slip back into the deep “nothingness” that is Depression. Feel free to get in contact with me at any time. Remember that you ARE worth it! Lots of love and best wishes xoxo
I can’t even begin to understand how it must be to ‘combine’ mental pain with physical pain. I admire you for your strength and insights, Simona, thank you!
K10K,
I am so inspired by you:
“But then there’s my children. They are my everything. They are the reason I’m holding on while giving up. I don’t struggle to take care of myself for me. I take care of myself for them. Depression or not, I’m still their mother. And I feel incredibly guilty about that.”
We are all the best mom we can be! Please do not feel guilty. Every mom is facing her own battles, and I appreciate your courage for sharing yours with us. Depression is very real. And this post is a reminder that I don’t talk to my children enough about mental illness. I’m going to make sure I do.
Love you!
Jen 🙂
Honoured to have inspired you Jen! As always, you are an inspiration too!