When I was growing up, I had a mother who loved to cook and bake. It wasn’t unusual for me to wake up smelling homemade cinnamon bread just out of the oven, and come home from school smelling homemade rolls for dinner.
In my family, if you didn’t eat everything mom made on your plate, she worried there was something wrong with you.
I have a confession. I obviously used that title to draw you in because even though I have not read the book, I know enough from the reviews to say that there is no one in the world who thinks the book 50 Shades of Grey is for kids. Sadly though, that book has tainted one of my favorite go to phrases: “shades of grey”.
We all like to think that we can break things down into black and white, when in essence, life is many shades of grey constantly swirling and combining in different intensities. Coming to grips with shades of grey is something that only really ripens in adulthood, and even then, the acceptance and understanding that the world and life are not black and white is a slow process .
I don’t think I truly understood that until the other day when I had a heated discussion with my 21-year-old son about a topic on which we have major differences of opinions.
Yes, he is an adult. Yes, he is a soldier. Yet he still sees things as black and white, kind of like I did at his age. I was frustrated by his not being able to see that there are many shades of grey in every disagreement between people and nations.
When I thought about it more, I realized that I miss the naiveté of my youth when things were black and white for me. I miss knowing what is 100% right and what is 100% wrong. I miss being sure of what is good and bad. I miss the conviction of “knowing” the truth and being sure that I will never waver on my principles.
Today, I know that there really is no black and white. Our values generally stay strong, and they guide us in how we live our lives. On the other hand, our principles can change depending on the circumstances. In other words, we use our values to decide what and when we take a stand on something. Adults (for the most part) can better see different sides of the story and realize that compromise isn’t always the end of the world. We are generally less vested in being right, and we try, not always successfully, to see the bigger picture.
Kids on the other hand need the black and the white. They need to be able to fit good and bad into neat boxes. Strong or weak? Ugly or pretty? Smart or stupid? They need to be confident in what is right and what is wrong. Good or bad? Safe or dangerous? Maybe that’s why fairy tales have very clear-cut good and bad characters. Children need the peace of mind that comes with unshakeable beliefs.
Shades of grey make a shaky foundation for confidence and assurance. Black and white are unbreakable cement pillars, which can explain why grey takes so long to learn.
Black and white may be advantageous to kids for both safety and social purposes by helping them sort people and the world, understand what is safe for them and how to belong to a group. However, black and white is also extremism. It’s an either or mentality. It reduces a whole spectrum of possibilities to only two options without entertaining or acknowledging the whole gamut of possibilities in between. It’s the land of never and always. It’s the primitive childlike thinking adults slip back into when we’re going through hard times, when we are looking for certainty.
In life there isn’t one answer. There isn’t one truth. The world changes and evolves while black and white is stuck and interferes with creativity. When our world is black and white we end up spending a lot of energy on being right and trying to prove our point.
As parents we are charged with the great responsibility of instilling our kids with a moral compass. As part of that process, we consistently and sometimes unwittingly hoist our opinions and solutions on our kids. We do our best yet sometimes we forget that while children need their black and whites we have to stop and think how to begin to introduce them to shades and hues of grey.
We need to live our lives as a model for our children. We need to show them by our actions that there is more than our right answer. That being right doesn’t mean someone else is wrong, being wrong also doesn’t mean that someone else is right. We don’t have to agree with everyone but we should stop to listen and then think about what it is we really believe.
We all have our black and whites (which may or may not change over the years) but most adults have a many hued resplendent grey life. It takes courage to embrace grey. It means we’re willing to learn, change and entertain other points of view.
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
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I suppose it is inevitable. After all, people are what they are, they can’t change themselves. And although curiosity was apparently the mastermind behind the murder of someone’s cat, there are many curious people out there.
And curious people ask questions.
Sometimes stupid questions, sometimes profound questions, sometime questions which aren’t really questions but more a judgement on one of your actions and/or beliefs.
And sometimes people ask questions on matters which are none of their damn business.
One of those questions is the oft asked : “When are you having another?” or – since I have two girls: “When are you going to have a boy?”.
The answer usually runs along the lines of : “Oh not just yet! I have enough on my plate with just these two!” or “A boy? With these two… (at which I point at my girls doing whatever they are doing) the poor thing would just get traumatized.”
But I rarely tell the truth: No, never. No we are not trying for another baby. No we are not planning to “gift” our girls with a baby brother.
Perhaps it is due to the fact that I had my two girls in such a short space of time (When n°2 was born n°1 was a mere 16 months old) but I am most definitely done having children.
There are many reasons, finances being but one of them. No, we are not in financial trouble, but face it: raising a child is wickedly expensive. For the past three years we’ve spent a small fortune on day care and let’s not even talk about the price of diapers shall we… Had I been better informed I might seriously have considered buying stock options in Pampers or Huggies. With both kids in school we get a bit of financial breathing space, we can afford to finish our home.
But the main reason is balance.
When you are a mother, whether you have a job or are a stay at home mom, life is nothing less than a big balancing act on a loose rope above a pit filled with hungry tigers and fire.
Our balance is OK, right now. We are not in immediate danger of falling off the rope. Both kids attend school full-time, they are too young to have ‘real’ hobbies yet so no rush, rush, rush on Saturday morning – as yet (Please note: I do not count running after each other screaming bloody murder as a hobby).
Because of their relative closeness in age their feeding schedules (if I may be so blunt) are relatively in sync, meaning I don’t have to provide three or four individual breakfasts, lunches and dinners anymore each day. Lately they’ve started playing proper games together, in which each is an equal player and which do not require constant parental interference, just distant supervision.
We can start going on proper outings without dragging half the nursery and a whole plethora of baby food along, just a change of clothes, some cookies and a water bottle will get us through.
So in short: after four years of clutching desperately at that rope we’ve arrived at a spot where we can breathe freely, where we can relax for just a second, where there is time to be “us” and “just me” again.
The realization that we were as we should be came when we gave away the double stroller without an inch of pain or regret. Just happiness that there would finally be some more room in the garage.
Our family has found its balance and it feels wonderful.
When did you realize your family was as it should be?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in Belgium and mother of just two…Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.
Born in Belgium on the fourth of July in a time before the invention of the smart phone Tinne is a working mother of two adorably mischievous little girls, the wife of her high school sweetheart and the owner of a black cat called Atilla. Since she likes to cook her blog is mainly devoted to food and because she is Belgian she has an absurd sense of humour and is frequently snarky. When she is not devoting all her attention to the internet, she likes to read, write and eat chocolate. Her greatest nemesis is laundry.
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Potty training my three year old son has not been easy. He’s been resistant to the idea for quite some time. I chalk this up to two things. First, he has a willful spirit and often rejects my proposals on principle. Even when dealing with treats or play, if it isn’t his idea, he’ll pass. Second, my son verbalizes to me regularly that he is still a baby. (more…)
I’ve made many mistakes as a parent.
I’ve yelled, spanked out of anger, accused and spoken hurtful words out of frustration.
Only to realise that there’s no way to undo the deed…well, except to say “I’m sorry” to my children.
We had a recent episode where I came home from work to find out that Vera had in a moment of fury, grabbed a cane and hit her god-grandmother. I, in a moment of outrage, swiftly used the same method of punishment on her.
I was shocked to hear of her actions, as we’ve never heard of her using force or violence on anyone in our home.
That evening, I cried. Because I felt like I had failed as a mother.
I wondered if it was because of my own disciplinary actions on her, that had taught her the example of using the cane to lash out when she was angry.
After we were calm, I sat her down and taught her some ways of expressing anger, ways that are more socially acceptable such as shouting into a pillow or hugging her favourite soft toy.
I also apologised for having been so angry, and for spanking her when I was at the peak of that anger.
After discussing with my husband in private, I realised that I’d made the mistake of not allowing her to give her side of the story, not seeking to understand what was in her heart and mind when she made that grave mistake, before disciplining her, not giving her any benefit of doubt. In my fit, it did not dawn on me that I wasn’t there to witness the incident, and therefore cannot be fully aware of the circumstances that had provoked her to such behaviour. (more…)
School will be starting for my children this week, and for many children this new routine and the new teachers can lead to much anxiety. Not only are the children feeling some of this anxiety but many parents are as well.
This past week, the teachers for my son and daughter called over the phone to introduce themselves before “meet the teacher” night. That same afternoon, a neighbor of mine called me to ask if I had received a phone call from my daughter’s teacher yet. I hadn’t at that time, and I could tell there was panic in my neighbor’s voice. She told me that she was very worried and upset that her son’s teacher this year was a “first year” teacher. She had been a teacher (and so had I), and we both know that the first year teachers do struggle a bit. But, in my opinion, the first year teachers bring with them the fresh ideas and new approaches to the classroom. I do understand her concern and could totally relate to her anxiety. (more…)
