How do you talk about death to children? It is one thing to talk about it in the abstract, but a whole other thing when you have to tell them someone they know and love died.
I remember my first true experience with death. I was maybe around 9 years old. I was at school one day sitting in the middle row of desks. I turned and saw that one of my closest friends had turned red and was shaking in her seat.
She fell to the ground, some of the children around her got up to see if she was ok, and I just stood there.
After that, I knew she was in hospital for a while. I heard them say she had a tumor. One day, I can’t remember how long after, my mother told me she had died.
I had never been to see her in the hospital. I asked to go to the funeral, but my mother said it wouldn’t be a good idea, which I understand now because of the way our funerals are. I always felt bad that I never visited her and never saw her mother. Now, if I go into details, this maybe has affected my attitude towards death. Who knows? But I would have liked to have visited her in the hospital.
My son’s first experience with death was when his great-grandmother died. She passed away when I was in London, and I had to go back for the funeral. So, I didn’t tell him she had passed away, but he knew she was very sick. I didn’t want to tell him then to leave right away. When I got back I picked him up from school, and on our way home I told him.
I remember I read somewhere you have to say “died” not “passed away” or “went to sleep and never woke up.” I told him that she lived so many years and was so very old that her body couldn’t heal itself anymore. I said, “You know how Mama’s legs used to hurt her? Well, they don’t any more. And she doesn’t need a stick to walk. She is with her mama and baba now and waiting for us till we come.”
My son cried so hard that it was so unexpected! He cried like I cried when they told me. He cried because he missed her and would never see her. He cried because he knew his grandmother and his father were so sad. He cried because he didn’t want me to die.
His anxieties went on for a while, and I asked a doctor what he thought I should do. The doctor’s reply was to ignore it! He said if he asks you a question about death, then answer in as short a sentence as possible and change the subject. Children take their cue from us. If we are ok, they are ok. My tendency was to have long drawn out conversations which just added to his stress.
S’s thing was not wanting to leave earth. He worried about what heaven was like. I remember one of the last conversations we had about this. S said, “Mama, will there be mobile phones in heaven?” I said, “Possibly.” He said, “Then when you and Baba go I’ll call you, and if it’s nice, I’ll come. If it’s not, I just want to stay here.”
For my daughter it started over the death of her dog this summer. She became so anxious about me going to “Janna” (heaven) and how when I went she wanted to go with me. As the days went on, she confessed that her anxieties about me going were partly because “You didn’t teach me all my stuff! Like how to use a computer and how to count properly! I don’t know all my stuff yet!” I did what the Dr. told me to do when her brother was going through the same thing, and it eventually worked, but it took such a long time for her to stop really worrying about it.
In this past year, I lost my Aunt, who had been receiving treatment for a near drowning accident, and my Uncle, who from diagnosis of cancer to his passing, lived a rapid 6 weeks. Both were people who I feel blessed to have known. That is all I can write now about them because there is insufficient space and insufficient words to describe what amazing people they truly were and how many lives they had touched. If you could have seen how many people prayed for them and came to their funeral, you would understand.
The question is when we have blows like that in life (which we will all have if we have anyone we care about), how do we teach our children not to have a fear or anxiety about death? It is the toughest thing in the world to look around you and realize that everyone in the end is going to die. That there is a lot more grief to go through before you can truly be happy.
“To God we belong and to Him we shall return.”
Have you ever had to talk to your children about the death of a loved one? How did you tell them? and how did they take it?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mama B from Saudi Arabia. She can be found writing at her blog, Ya Maamaa.
Photo credit to Jeff Coffman. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
MamaB, I am taking tips from this post. There has been a death and I am still wondering how to break it to my LO(5 y.o). He does not seem to miss that person, but eventually he would.
So sorry to hear it. Its a fact of life and sooner or later our children will have to face it unfortunately.
My father passed away suddenly at the age of 62 this past weekend. So we are right in the middle of this right now. My 4 little ones are very close to their grandparents and are taking this very tough. We are having a special time just for them to say goodbye to my father at the funeral home before the general public, family and friends arrive. They will not attend the funeral mass but will be present for the burial as my father served his country with pride and will be buried with full military honors-a sight and experience like no other. They will each release a balloon decorated with their special messages to send up to heaven. We have said to them that Pepère’s body is not working anymore so he left it and has gone to heaven. We bury his body so we have a place to still visit him because we can not yet visit him in heaven. Tonight will be the true test of how we handled it as we begin the days of saying good bye…
I am so sorry about your father. I think you dealt with it beautifully. The children will be sad but they will get to go through a ritual to say good bye to him and that, I am sure, will make things a lot easier.
My 94 year old grandfather passed away a couple years ago in the early morning on the day my 3rd child was to be baptized. It was somewhat sudden – although he had been struggling with Alzheimer’s for years. I still look back at that day and wonder if I handled it appropriately.
My oldest was 7 and my middle was 3 1/2 at the time… It is hard to deal with your own grief and the grief of your children AND the rest of your family (especially when you all happen to be in the same place when a death of a loved one happens). We told our two older kids that great-grandpa went to heaven. My oldest was sad – she didn’t cry… but was very quiet. My middle child just didn’t get it yet. And for months later would ask questions about “Where heaven was” and if “great-grandpa would come back and visit us”
I don’t think that there is one right way to talk to our children about death. Like many things, it is very personalized. What I wouldn’t give to hear the inner thoughts of my kids though… especially during a difficult time such as the death of a loved one.
I’m sure you handled it well. Or as well as we can handle things when we are so upset. In the end, regardless of the initial reaction I think, as long as children have caring, present parents they will be able to work through any sadness or anxieties life piles on us all.
Mama B.,
Your son has a creative mind — I love the part about “are there cell phones in heaven?”
My daughter has been too young when we’ve had a death in the family in the past to be able to really explain. Now that she is four things will be different going forward. She does ask about family members who are missing, like some of my grandparents. I think she understands the concept that they’re not here anymore, but that is very different to deal with than someone she knows who has died.
Thank you for this beautiful post!
Jen 🙂
Thank you. Its a sad subject but as I thought many, if not all, of the us have been through things like this with our children.
Hi Mama B,
What a fabulous post. We had The Pike River Mining Disaser and Christchurch earthquakes and three family/friend deaths in the last year. The deaths were no-one too close, but close enough that our older boys were involved in the funerals. We have always talked about ‘Being in your Star’ before you were born and ‘Returning to your Star’ after death. I also made sure they saw one person’s body, so they could see that ‘he’ had left it. I am of the mind that our kids will chose whether or not to believe in an after-life when they are older – for now it is comforting for them to think of people existing before and after they are on earth. We also invented our own All Hallows week at during Autumn last year, were we remember those who have died – in quiet rememberance. I think it’s awesome that you raised this.
It’s so hard to describe death to kids, when most adults ‘fear’ it too. It’s nearly impossible to accept and prepare for one’s own death without a lifetime of reflection and meditation. And even then, it’s still untouchable in terms of human comprehension.
It’s interesting to hear the phrasing and circumstances that other parents use to describe what “happens” to one’s soul upon passing. It takes a swelling amount of grace and faith to have this conversation. Thanks for touching on this…
My 5 yr old and I have discussed death in the abstract, but he hasn’t known anyone who has died yet. He had a classmate whose mother died of cancer, so we had to address it. I told him the facts from a scientific perspective and the beliefs from a spiritual perspetive, but then there wasn’t much else to do but let him have time and space to process it. I think he was ok letting it go because ,again, it wasn’t someone he knew. It will be different when that day comes and he has to face it more personally. Your post gives me some good food for thought. Thank you for that!
As you guys know I work in outpatient oncology with adult patients. What I tell mothers with children is after they have had a treatment or two, to bring their kids with them one time. Why? Because what kids imagine is way worse than any reality.
When my sister lost a baby in week 36, she bought her two young children to the hospital to part with the dead baby. They were waiting for a baby to come home, without that, they probably would not have completely understood.
Hugs.