How do you gain your children’s trust …how do you keep that trust?
Years ago, while working in a busy hostel, I met a young woman who was addicted to crack cocaine. Amira was 2 years old, and Iman was 4. I was a young mom, who knew little about everything, but wanted to save the world.
I was very afraid for her son, A, who was 6 months old at the time, a little sweetheart with two little teeth that flashed when he smiled up at me for the first time from his stroller.
In my chosen field (of work), words like crack, HIV, suicide, poverty, and prostitution were repeated so many times, that it became something that we took for granted. What wasn’t mentioned and discussed was that there were “mothers” who were in this situation. Mothers who were going through all of these things with their children watching on.
A, was what is referred to as a “crack baby”. His mother smoked crack before, during and after his birth. When I found out that she was nursing him, I offered her formula as an alternative.When I saw that she was having a meltdown, I took him off her hands, brought him home, and cleaned him up (something that was against the rules).
The first time I took A, I found cockroaches in his formula. I was so devastated that I cried. Later, I watched him sleep, and he suddenly began convulsing. I cried again. Sometimes I would hold him and rock him, and he would paw at my chest, looking for food, it made me angry that She still nursed him.
A, went through a lot in the short time that I knew him — in his short life for that matter. His mother lived in a crack house, where there was drug paraphernalia lying around.
It didn’t matter that he could get a hold of drugs, needles, or be assaulted and hurt by one of the other residents or visitors.
It didn’t matter that he slept on a couch with his mother every night, and fell off at least 4 times a week.
It didn’t matter that after frequent drug-use little A had diarrhea and what seemed to be a severe reaction to everything, and it got so bad that he would pull at his tender skin.
It certainly didn’t matter that he rarely had enough to eat, and even with formula and baby food supplied to her, she would forget to feed him.
There was a lot of guilt floating around at that time. I felt that I was being judgmental and condescending.
When I bought clothes and toys for him, I assumed his mother would sell them.
When I gave her a new can of formula, I believed she would promptly return it to the store, for cash.
When she delivered him to me in the middle of winter with a sweater, I didn’t ask for his jacket. I went and bought a new one right away, thinking that I knew what was best.
If I gave him love and tender care, I figured she would see him as a spoiled nuisance who demanded the same from her. As I said, there sure was a lot of guilt floating around, and I felt that the one who was losing out was little A.
I thought when I took him to my safe, clean home, and bought him new clothes and toys, that I was doing some good. Perhaps I was, but I doubt it. You see, I decided that I wanted to adopt little A. I started going through the process, and roadblocks came up again and again. I pushed on, because I wanted him to have a safe home — not because I didn’t want him to be with his mother.
In the process, I found out that his mother already had 3 other children (2 boys and 1 girl), who were in the care of her sister. Her sister also had 3 of her own children. All of the children were 10 and under…imagine. I was told that I didn’t stand a chance in getting A, because I wasn’t family.
I didn’t resign, but I felt defeated. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot, but, I knew Family law. I didn’t have much of a chance in getting little A.
That was almost 10 years ago. I think about him every single day. The girls always speak about their ‘almost’ brother. I wonder many times, how did it all work out? United with his brothers and sister, I wonder if he had a better life with his aunt. I wonder if his mother’s drug-use has affected him emotionally, and physically — has she been a part of his life?
The guilt is still there, floating around. It bothers me that that I gained that little boy’s trust, and then I couldn’t deliver. I am bothered that I brought him into our lives, and upon his departure, there was no clear explanation to my young children.
Sometimes, I am happy that he was so young that he may not have remembered. Most of the time, I hope that he does remember us, and that his life is even better than I expected.
Have you ever made a decision that impacted someone in a way that you cannot forget? How has it affected your life?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Salma of Canada. You can find Salma blogging at The Imperfect Stepford Chronicles and Chasing My Rainbow Baby.
Photo credit to Drewbie Doo. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Wow. Really powerful.
I personally believe that every person who is meaningful to us in a good or bad way comes into our life for a reason.
I don’t know if this is something up your alley or beliefs, but in case it is, there are two books that I think might help you with all of this.
The evolution angel by todd michael.
Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz.
Hugs.
Susie, I too believe this, because I have had so many moments where people have impacted my life, and others have told me that I have impacted theirs.
I have heard about The Evolution Angel. Funny, an angel mom and I had a discussion about how we came into each other’s lives just months after our babies died, and what it all meant at that time (2009) as we were going through grief. This is one of her fave books.
I have noted the 2nd book, and will check it out.
Your words brought me to tears. What a heartbreaking situation for that boy. I pray that he will have a better life, one that he truly deserves and bless your heart for trying to rescue him.
Maureen, hello and welcome to WMB.
I too pray for him all the time. I hope that our meeting was just a part of his journey to
something better.
Salma, reading this made me cry. That poor little boy. Brought into this world not by choice, and not given the best start in life. I admire your efforts in trying to make his life better, by bringing him into yours, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Know that you tried, and tried your best, and what is not meant to be, simply isn’t. Thank you for sharing this, it must have been very difficult to write.
Hi Alison, it was difficult to write, but I have reflected on this so many times that I couldn’t stop myself once I started writing it all down.
Oh…. I’m very rarely left speechless, or wordless as is the case with commenting on blogs. Stories such as the one you shared with us here truly makes me realise all those times that I beat myself up about being a bad mother, I’m kidding myself because I have nothing to worry about.
This story is tragic on so many levels, a poor innocent baby deprived of the safety and security that a mother should provide; a mother with an addiction who has lost the chance to experience the true joys of motherhood and a caring bystander who wants to help and is powerless to do so.
I don’t know that I would have the strength to work in a field such as you do, but I have the utmost admiration for people like you who do.
Inspiration, I know what you mean about commenting, AND about beating yourself up as a mom. I think because of the tragedy of little A, I was very sad for a long time as a mom as well.
Hmm, the wonderful field of Social Services. Unfortunately, I had a major melt-down months later, and left the shelter not long after that, lol. I don’t think I was ever really good at being in there or that I was very wise either.
Still thinking about that one.
Wow what a powerful post. It must have been so hard to work in that situation, feeling helpless to save these children. I hope they are ok today. How tragic!
I hope that the whole family is doing better.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Wow – what a powerful posting! I firmly believe that everything is connected and our world is made up of a giant domino chain that triggers reactions long down the line. While there is certainly room for many negative ramifications of well intended actions, I have to believe that the good outweighs the bad. Being a bright spot in someone’s life, even if momentarily, is far better than not being there at all. Thank you for sharing.
EXACTLY! I too believe a moment is better than never having the opportunity to leave a small mark at all.
I have had people who have picked me up off the floor, and I know how it has impacted me.
I too believe that things happen for a reason – and I loved what Kazfam said about being a “bright spot in someone’s life.” The unconditional determination you showed to that little boy probably had a much greater impact then you realize.
As for your family and your own children, every day is a lesson. You were showing them the importance of making a difference instead of just standing on the side line … I am sure they are very proud of you.
From my own experiences growing-up, I was shown unconditional love by my best friend’s mother. Thankfully, my life was not nearly as tragic as that little boy – but I definitely needed to be acknowledged. I needed to know that I was loved – even if she was not (blood) related to me.
To this day, when I see her, I am grateful that she was placed in my life for a reason. An angel giving of herself – always. Whether or not you will ever know – little “A” will never forget – no matter how old he was.
Thank you for sharing this with us – Inspirational.
Beautiful. 🙂
Thanks for giving me a platform to write Jen.
Twinmom – I believe everything in the universe is connected – we need each other and we make a difference even when we don’t know it.
I also had someone in my childhood who acknowledged me when I needed it most.
I ‘m glad that this friend was able to do that for you. I don’t think there is one person who doesn’t have something to give.
What an amazing story – so beautifully written. Some one I know, recently was looking to adopt a baby, when all of a sudden she received a call that a newborn was actually abandoned at the hospital and needed someone to look after her. Without hesitation, she brought this baby home and loved her as her own. She already had a 5 year old daughter, who took to the baby amazingly well. They fostered her for a while until the birth mother could be found, and when she was the birth mother actually did not want the baby, nor did any of the baby’s relatives.
There are so many reasons that people come into our lives, and even though you may not know exactly why at the time, or ever, the lasting impression that is made remains.
Thank you so much for sharing such a touching story.
That is so tricky…going through the process of adoption.
In essence you want what’s best for the child, but there is a small part of you that wants to keep the child.
A was our first experience with adoption. By the 2nd time around after Hussein (our son died), I was so guarded that I didn’t even want to look at the photos of the children.
When I finally got pregnant with Rainbow I was sort of relieved that I didn’t have to get rejected again.
I don’t know, I just felt selfish during the whole process…
—
PS. Did you friend get to adopt after all, or do they still have to go through the courts?
I hope that the baby gets the best care from people who do want him/her.
Yes she did. 🙂
My heart is breaking….I kept hoping for a happy ending. I hope A is okay.
What you did for him, may have saved his life. Who knows what would have happened during one of the times that you had him, if he was left with his mother? I know it hurts, but you did things for him out of love and every time you cared for him, he got just a bit stronger.
I hope you are able to meet up with him again one day. I hope he is well and has had a good life.
Maggie- I have doubted many times if I should have ever been in his life in the first place. Some people think it just makes it worse, when outsiders step in.
Many times I found peace remembering how happy he was in those moments, but mostly, I felt that it was unfair to give him something that I could not promise in the long term.
All I ever pray for now is a happy life for him.
I’ve read this a few days ago and had to go away and think about my response (not that I’m expecting to say anything riveting). I found this to be a deeply moving post – it is so hard to know when and where to help sometimes. I do believe every bit of love we receive changes us for the better – that little boy was lucky to have you in his life for that time.
I think so too, and my kids have never forgotten him.
Okay ladies, I am back from an unplanned blogging break (sick family).
I am so sorry for missing my own post.
I will reply to your lovely comments tomorrow.
xo