While growing up, I never knew I was “different.” OK, I knew that my household wasn’t exactly the Brady Brunch, but I had no idea how “different” I truly was.
As a little girl, I was certain about only a handful of things: 1) my father was always present, my mother was not. 2) My father easily forgave us, my mother did not. 3) My father always remembered the things I needed, my mother did not.
My mother was an alcoholic. Ahhh yes, I said it. No shame … no embarrassment … at age “thirty-something,” it is just a fact.
A fact that I have lived with my whole life. My mother was an alcoholic, her sister was an alcoholic, and my grandmother was an alcoholic, and so began the curse I would grow to despise.
When I search back through the archives of my childhood memories, I strain to find happy ones that involve my mother. The bonds that I had with relatives, on my father’s side, were amazingly consistent. The bonds on my mother’s side were strong, but confusing.
With any type of addiction, children are affected. I don’t care if you are addicted to chewing gum, someone is affected. Anything in excess is not healthy. Fortunately, for those “gum chewing mothers”, some addictions are more serious than others.
I am sure I could go on and on (and on) about the things my mother did while she was “under the influence.” If this blog post was intended for me to “just vent”, I would. However, as I thought about what my first blog post would be about, my perspective on what to share quickly shifted.
The message behind my story is to (try) not to allow your negative past experiences to dictate your future. I can tell you that this is not an easy task. I struggle with this every day. For me, NOT drinking to an excess is actually the easy part. Social drinking is much more my style. The hard part is not allowing my past to continuously resurface.
You might assume that if you take the addiction out of the equation, the rest would be easy. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Traditional methods of therapy, group meetings and books can only do so much.
I have learned that it takes an enormous effort to change how you parent your own children while being reminded of your past.
When I yell at my children – I am reminded of how my mother used to scream at me and my siblings. When one of my daughters fails to tell the truth – I am reminded of how many times my mother called me a “liar.” When I get mad at something – I remember how my mother could hold a grudge for day’s even weeks.
Some would say that keeping these negative experiences in the forefront of your consciousness would help to guide you, so that those behaviors were not repeated. For me, these thoughts are an unwanted distraction. With each and every decision I make, I strive to be in the moment – not reliving my past. I want to focus on a current event instead of always comparing it to what it was like when I had that same experience.
Each and every day, I am thankful for my children. I remember to say “I love you” even when I am angry. I remember to tell them they are smart and beautiful and perfect … to me. I remember to hug them and kiss them and remind them that they can accomplish anything. I remind them to respect themselves, as well as others.
Regardless of how I am feeling, together with my husband, I manage to meet their needs. I make sure that they feel safe and protected. It is in those brief moments that I can forget the past because I know I am changing their future. Creating a new cycle of positive experiences, instead of negative, is what I wish for them.
My negative experiences have taught me that words are important. No parent should ever assume that their child knows the intensity of their love. No parent can ever say “I love you” too much.
My mother’s addiction lay dormant for almost 20 years and then it resurfaced in a whole new way. Dealing with it as an adult was very different then dealing with it as child. Facing it as a new mother made her recovery process much more difficult for me to get over – but I have, despite her opinion.
For the past three years, she has been “sober.” Unfortunately, the emotional distance is forever present and my relationship borders nonexistent. I would say we tolerate each other, at best.
Although some people close to me do not understand, I can honestly say that I feel sorry for her. I believe that she lives every day with regret, crippled with an enormous bout of guilt. No matter what I have said in the past, she has convinced herself that nothing she has done will ever be forgiven.
Do I forgive her? Yes, I do. Will I ever forget what my siblings and I endured, no I will not. My mother is a recovering addict, and I am sure she fights for her life on a daily basis. What I cannot accept is her unwillingness to better herself. She refuses to get help for other issues that plague her and that lays heavy on my heart.
I have a mother. Regardless of the labels I can put on her, she is my mother. When you get right down to the core of who she is, it is then that I know, with absolute certainty that she would lay down her life for me. For that I am grateful.
I am a mother. Regardless of what I have been exposed to, in my core, I would also lay down my life for my own children. The intensity of my mother’s love for me and the intensity of the love I have for my children is the same. The challenge I have been given is to always remember the similarities we have between us, while working on accepting the differences. I work on that every single day.
Have you ever dealt with conflict in your childhood that has affected your parenting? How have you been able to overcome it?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog from mother of two, TwinMom112.
Photo credit to Lenny Montana. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Welcome TwinMom 🙂 This is a beautiful first post.
What touched me the most in this post was that you mentioned that your mother would lay down her life for you and you would for your children. I ask you, would you lay down your life for your mother too? Perhaps, in some way, then help her. Maybe she does not seek it, but I am sure there would be ways.
I know its easy to speak sitting at the other side of the computer than actually being in your position. But well, just try if it is possible 🙂
I was told today, by someone amazing, that she “hopes writing this post will help me heal.” Just reading other’s comments is a great first start. It sometimes takes an outsider to make you “think.”
I too sometimes wonder what I would do if my mother needed a liver or organ. (Odd, but damage done to ones liver from addiction is often a big health concern.) The answer is: yes. I would do anything I could to save my mother – medically.
We, as a family, have done a lot of things to help her. At this point, she needs to help herself. However, I can tell you, there are probably a million things I should say, but don’t. I often feel they have all been said before – I wish I didn’t feel that way… I truly do.
Thanks so much for your comments.
Wow – a very moving post – and I don’t really feel that any comments I have will do it justice. Thank you for sharing this, and thank you for reminding me that I should say “I love you” more.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post – It really means a lot!
What a powerful first post! I applaud you for not letting your past warp you and the way you approach parenting, instead taking it as a lesson and guide to what TO do with your own children.
My parents were not very affectionate types when I was growing up. There were no hugs, no kisses, no I love yous. I believe it’s a very Asian thing. Also, as a middle child, I felt that favoritism was practiced. To say these things did not affect me would be a lie. However, I have chosen to make sure I don’t make those mistakes. I hug and kiss my son every day, tell him I love you all the time, and I never, ever, want to make him feel like he wasn’t loved.
It is amazing how we desire so very much to give our children a different experience then we had. Although tough, I think that some of us can really change the path for our children. Not easy, but we try.
Thank you for sharing your own expereince with us – We all have a story … we can really learn from one another.
Welcome TwinMom112!
What a powerful first post. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I really hope that writing is healing for you. I know, it really helps me!
Welcome aboard!!! 🙂
Jen 🙂
From my heart – thank you.
It’s like I’ve been reading about myself. I grew up with alcoholic parent as well. The same as you I want for my children to have a better life. To feel safe around me and to trust me. I want them to not to have to deal with uncentainty and insecurity in every single day like me and my siblings had to. I did not realize how big of an influence it all had on me until I got married. I started reading books about ACoA I saw all those problems that ACoA have in me. I still have to deal with them on a daily basic. While I’m trying to change it and change my way of thinking about my past and about me in it I agree with you that keeping negative experiencess and thoughts from the past in our minds won’t help to heal and be better. We all need to move on and to try not to make those mistakes our parents made.
I think you children are lucky to have such a wise mother. You’re already doing so much better than your mother.
Thank you for sharing your story as well. When I was younger, I read some books for ACoA – but have not recently. (Maybe I should revisit..) I am not sure if your parent is in recovery or if you are stilling “fighting the fight.” I assumed that if my mother got sober, my feelings would change about my childhood experiences …. unfortunately, I transitioned into dealing with a “recovering addict..” so nothing every seemed “normal.”
When my mother relapsed a few years ago, I learned so much about her and myself. I was a new mother and although her recovery was consuming, I would look at my girls and think about my mom at my age – Only the thoughts I had were more sadness then anything else. I wondered how hard it must be to live everyday realizing how much she truly missed while drinking.
I know about addicts and I understand that what triggers the need to drink is sometimes involuntary. However, while “sober,” I wished so much she would find the strength to enjoy what she has now. She can’t and that makes me very, very sad.
pretty good book about that is “Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love” by Janet Geringer Woititz. She wrote more but this one is good for start.
Answering your question, NO, my parent is not in recovery. The nature took it’s own way to stop the drinking. It can’t be done now because the body can’t tolerate alcohol anymore. My parents are pretty old and so many years of drinking finally showed the results. Alcohol still exists in his life but it’s like one or two beers per day. It’s nothing compared to what it used to be. The word “alcoholic” don’t even exist in our houshold. He does not consider himself as one. Oh well… Life goes on. Now I am thousands miles away and I do not care much. What was done was done, what’s happening now… hm… I don’t really care. I have my own life and my own family. I want to focuse on that. That what’s most important these days.
Thank you so much for the book suggestion! I will def. read it!! All my best –
Wow. What an amazing post. It is hard to not let the demons of our past dictate our parenting and the experiences of childhood that our children have. Thanks for sharing a very personal and painful story.
Thank you for reading – All these comments have been wonderful! I think we all found eachother for a reason!
I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share you story. I have had (and still have) people in my life whom I love dearly who suffer from alcoholism. I have seen it up close and personal, and I really, really send you a big fat hug, first and foremost! Next, I applaud your introspection and commitment to creating a new, more positive reality in your own home. You are an amazing mother! I need to think more on the question you pose at the end, but it’s a good one!
Watching someone we love suffer is so very hard! I do hope that the people close to you are in recovery… but nothing is ever easy. I found the hardest part to be fear of the unknown… Never knew what to expect. I love that for now, my girls can expect consistancy at home from me and my husband..
Thank you for sharing..
I am so proud of you for a million reasons. You are an amazing mother. And I love you