People talk a lot about maintaining a sense of personal identity as a mother.
The needs and demands of a tiny human being who has no patience, no forbearance, and no consideration for the feelings of others can be an overwhelming experience.
Many women, especially in places like Canada where we get a whole year of maternity leave from work, find it difficult to maintain their sense of who they are.
Yanked out of board meetings and into a gliding rocker, and dealing with dirty diapers where they once dealt with memos and spreadsheets, new mothers often find themselves thinking “WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
I didn’t have any of that.
Motherhood didn’t in any way alter my perception of myself as a person.
Maybe going from dog trainer to mother isn’t much of a step – either way, you’re picking up someone’s poop and trying to stop them from eating the sofa.
No, it’s going back to work that is drowning my identity.
The charity where I worked has hit bad times, and almost all of the staff were laid off, including me, a few months into my pregnancy (women in Canada are heavily protected from workplace discrimination, but when half the staff have already been laid off, it’s hard to claim discrimination).
So that meant that I had to find a new job.
I did, with relative ease. I’m a veterinary technician (which is like a registered nurse for animals), and vets are always looking for good staff.
But when you’re trying to make a good impression with your new boss, being a mother does not help.
It’s hard to convince someone that you’re an honest, industrious, uncomplaining worker when you can’t work past 5 pm (because daycare closes at 5:30, you know), and when you’re constantly calling in absent because your baby has ANOTHER fever and can’t go to daycare at all.
The last time I worked in a vet clinic, I didn’t call in sick for the first year and a half. I worked the late shift, because I actually preferred it. I ran the food orders, and I trained new staff.
Then I worked training service dogs, and I taught dogs to open doors, to sit still while I bounced tennis balls right past their noses, and ran puppy classes.
But the Carol that this new work is seeing is someone completely different.
This Carol is new, doesn’t know anything, and (because they don’t have enough staff to train her properly) constantly does things wrong. This Carol can only work early shifts, which makes scheduling difficult when more senior people can’t work an evening. This Carol has already called in sick (or with a sick baby) five or six times, not to mention some half days.
This Carol is also exhausted.
I’m an introvert, and need time to unwind alone in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. Unfortunately, the times I once used for that (the hour in the morning before work and an hour or two after coming home) are now taken up with a toddler. Instead of checking my favourite blogs or reading in the bath, I am changing diapers and nursing a baby who considers time spent with Mommy but not on her booba to be time WASTED.
By the time Owl goes down for bed, I want to spend time with my husband, and feel too tired to blog a coherent sentence.
My blog has long periods of silence.
My RSS feed has over 800 unread items!
The amount of time I spend in the average day without another person in the room is probably limited to when I use the bathroom, and that’s assuming that Owl doesn’t manage to barge his way in to cling to my knees while I sit on the toilet.
The amount of time I spend on the computer, which used to be counted in hours, now averages to 15 or 20 minutes, and that’s done with a squirming baby on my lap.
So:
I’m not training dogs, I’m not blogging, I’m busy from dawn to dusk, my average conversation with my husband sounds like “aaaarghjghjg”, and I don’t feel like I’m making a good impression in my new workplace.
And for what?
Nearly half my monthly income goes to daycare, which means that despite working full-time, we’re almost as poor as we were when I was on maternity leave. Every time I have to call in sick or pull a half day, we lose income for that day, despite continuing to pay for full-time daycare.
So, on top of all of that, I feel like I’m making no money.
I know that my problems are not unique.
I’m pretty sure that they’re identical to the problems of MOST working mothers out there.
But knowing that doesn’t help my sense of identity much, either.
Are you a working mother? How do you find time to be yourself?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Carol from If By Yes of Vancouver, Canada. She can be found writing at her blog, If By Yes.
Photo credit to Dimitri N. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Carol (Canada)
Carol from If By Yes has lived in four different Canadian provinces as well as the Caribbean. Now she lives in Vancouver, working a full time job at a vet clinic, training dogs on the side, and raising her son and daughter to be good citizens of the world. Carol is known for wearing inside-out underwear, microwaving yoghurt, killing house plants, over-thinking the mundane, and pointing out grammatical errors in "Twilight". When not trying to wrestle her son down for a nap, Carol loves to read and write. Carol can also be found on her blog, If By Yes, and on Twitter @IfByYesTweets
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I work full time and the 2 year old is in daycare/nursery. I can totally relate to you about needing time alone, but this isn’t really possible anymore. I can no longer sit down with a book to read after work or do any knitting, or blogging or anything, unless it is after the wee lads bedtime, but that is also the time when my husband would like to talk! (I know – totally unreasonable of him… 😉 )
I am very lucky with my job though; I have the same job as before the maternity leave (a year off as well) – and they are very understanding to parents of small children. It is very flexible and I can work from home some days if need be. They also have to pay me even if I have to stay at home with a sick child – up to 10 days per year. I am also able to work from 7am to 3pm and only occasionally am I required to work overtime. I feel very lucky!
So, why don’t we all live in Norway again? That sounds dreamy, Asta!
The big question is if you really want to be home or not.
If you do, then maybe it’s time to sit down and see how you can to do it financially. (You might want to check out http://www.daveramsey.com . He has a great financial peace institute that teaches you budgeting and all money related things-highly recommend it)
Maybe you can do some dog training on the side to supplement your income?
In the meantime lots of hugs and remember, this is a phase that eventually passes.
I can relate to what you wrote here, Carol. I used to work crazy long hours. Sometimes 12 hours a day. Luckily I live with my parents who help me tremendously and my son have a nanny but I’ve been so burnt up lately because I miss my son, I miss helping him with homework.
I too need to unwind after I get home from work because it’s so not easy to just switch from being someone’s secretary to a mommy of a very talkative toddler.
My only ‘me-time’ is when my son is at his Dad which happens every other weekend. That’s when I took the time to relax and do the things I cannot do like meeting up with friends for coffee or dinner.
Thank you for your honest Carol. Being a working mom is tough! After being home for 3 years, I recently dipped my toe back into the corporate pond. I was doing the job I left to be home with my children but reporting to a new manager who did not know how good of a worker I may be (or may be not). I immediately had new respect for full-time working moms. My biggest challenge was how do you get dinner on the table! I felt the same guilt every time I called in with a sick child – or in some cases a sick nanny. And at the end of the day, my bank balance is no better off 🙂 So know you are not alone. My advice to my friends who are struggling with decided whether or not to stay home – be sure you are going back to work to a profession you are passionate about!
Carol,
I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I find your story interesting. I think you’ve brought up a topic familiar to so many working mothers out there. Keep us posted about how your story unfolds!
I wish I had the answer for you. But, I like what Susie said that it is a phase that eventually passes. Hang in there!!!
Jen 🙂
Carol, thank you for writing this. I can relate to a lot of what you say and the frustrations you feel. I hope things work out for you.
I am a work outside the home mom. At first it was because staying at home was driving me crazy. Now it’s out of sheer necessity, as I’m a single mom.
But I get frustrated that I have no time to do anything. Doctor appointments are near impossible because the offices are open the same time I’m at work – and I hate missing work for any reason. I get home and all I have time to do is a quick dinner, and then before I know it, it’s time for bed. I don’t have a lot of time to spend with my son, who is in preK while I’m at work. We’re running around on weekends getting grocery shopping and other errands done (at least the ones I can). It’s hectic, and I keep my fingers crossed that one day it won’t have to be this way.
Carol – this is what I am in constant struggle with. I am lucky that my job is quite flexible, after going back to work from my second maternity leave, I changed my schedule from working in the office 3 days a week and 2 days at home, to working in the office 3 days a week, 1 day from home and Fridays off. Doing this hurt us financially, but it was worth it to be able to spend the day with the kids. My daughter also feels that any time with mommy and not on the booby is time wasted, which makes it very hard for me to get much done on my Fridays home. I also agree with you in that I am not as good at my job as I was before my second child was born. I don’t remember feeling this way when I only had one child, but I must have. After my son was weaned, I started going back to the gym and taking care of myself a bit more. Our dinners did suffer a couple a days a week (we would have pasta or order in because they were fast), but I felt more like myself. In which case, what I can tell you (and I myself, if I’m being honest) is hang in there, the baby will be weaned eventually and you will find that time that you need for yourself at that point. Just enjoy this part of motherhood, the good outweighs the bad in the long run.