Diversity in human appearance has been one of the most intriguing things that we have all come across. In my house I hate and do not use the term race with my children, because it is so obscured, and demeaning. Instead, I try as best as I can to always speak about people as individuals, rather than their group or nationality…it’s hard work.
Amira has very slanted eyes, Iman looks just like my aunt (but still resembles me) and Rainbow looks more like hubby.
Often random people come up to us and ask, “are those your children?” I say,”yes”, and hope that they will leave it at that, BUT 90 % of the time, they don’t.
The next question is, “are they all yours?” I answer a polite, “yes”, and try to walk away. Then a few have gone even further than that. They usually say, in a very ignorant tone, “…it’s just that they don’t look anything like you…”
Rainbow is not yet at an age where he understands, but I understand, and I know that he has become the TBK (token-brown kid) in our neighborhood playgroup, and I am very uncomfortable with it. Heck, I think I am more embarrassed for all the moms than uncomfortable.
So how do I know that my kid is the TBK? Hmm, where to start.
It could be that when we walks in the room EVERYONE stops to stare. It could be that EVERYONE can’t stop oohing and ahhing over his big brown eyes. Maybe it’s the fact that they can’t help but comment on his smooth brown skin, or those “heavenly” curls on his head. Yeah, I know, my kid is “different”, but is he really?
Now before I go any farther, I need to add that I do not live in a small town. I live in a pretty multicultural city with a lot of “minorities”, and if that doesn’t sell, did I mention that the mayor is a brown guy from Pakistan, who just so happens to be Muslim?
These are some of the things that I wish that I could tell other parents & strangers NOT TO DO:
- Ask where Rainbow got his “colour” from
- Tell me that he has “good/bad” hair
- Tell me that he is fairer/darker than they thought he would be
- Tell me to keep the (much darker than expected child) out of the sun
- Tell me that he was much fairer at birth, and ask “what happened?”
- Use terms like mocha, cappuccino, butterscotch, honey-brown to describe the “colour” of my children”
Essentially, I don’t want MY kid to grow up always being the “different” one. Sure, I want him to stand out. I want him to be a good, respectable human being who just so happens to be brown.
Do you find that people treat your children differently?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Salma of Canada. You can find Salma blogging at The Imperfect Stepford Chronicles and Chasing My Rainbow Baby.
Photo credit to Viktor Hertz. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
My son looks more like me, with more caucasion features, while my daughter is the spitting image of her Japanese father. It is kind of shocking to see how differently they are treated. (We live in Japan.) My son gets a lot of unwanted attention and people trying to speak English to him, but that hardly ever happens to my daughter.
When we were visiting my family in the US, a number of people asked me if the kids were adopted, or if they were really brother and sister. I didn’t know how to even begin going about answering that, and felt put upon that perfect strangers felt it was perfectly fine to be asking me such personal questions.
Oh how I love this post, Salma. My son is mixed and I do get that questioning a lot here. My son skins are pretty light and my brothers both have really light skins and often people thoughts they are caucasians. A lot of the times, people thinks my brothers are the father which is kind of funny. The only one time the question bugged me was when someone asked if I’m the nanny LOL.
I love your closing statement. 🙂
My kids are browner than I am, due to their dad, whose parents came from Karachi & Manila, respectively. Husband grew up in NYC and to this day gets the question “where are you from,” which is of course code for “why are you brown?” He says “new york” and gets a perverse delight in watching people try to re-frame their question. In Abu Dhabi, where we live now, my kids are browner than usual (we’re in the sun a lot) and while I am tan, I’m still pretty obviously a white girl. I’ve been asked twice if I’m the nanny. Great post – may have to write an “inspired by” post of my own about this topic! Thanks.
Interesting post Salma. I am brown skinned, of Arab decent. When I lived in London people were not sure where I Was from but I was definitely not white and it never bothered me. I had a friend who was from Trinidad and lived in the UK all his life. When he came back from a visit to NY he told me it was the first time anyone even made him feel “black”. 2 of my children are much farer than myself and their father (I thought they were really white till my son went to school in the UK and I discovered they are still pretty much browner than every there lol). I do get people asking me where they got their colour from and why their hair is lighter than mine but it never bothered me. I guess I am grateful to have lived in cities where I never felt racial tentions because of the colour of our skin. Not so lucky with the whole “saudi, muslim” part of it. Definite tension there lol.
My kids are mixed race and I love it. I have always been an Asiaphile and now I’ve produced two beings that are half Asian, or Eurasian as their called. It’s a lovely combination. I like to think of the result as part of my grass-roots globalization project. I’m helping blend races so someday humans won’t have as many distinguishing, visual differences.
I also wholeheartedly believe in “hybrid vigor,” combining genes from two separate pools to create a new strain, ones which don’t carry the baggage of their ancestors.
I commend you for mixing it up even within your own family. Keep up the hard work!
Verry interesting topic Salma! Even though both my husband and I ( and thus the children) are fair skinned, I have a darker complexion and quite dark hair, while my husband and children are quite fair. I have straight hair, and both kids have gorgeous curls. I have always been the one to joke that my husband must have had an affair to end up with 2 light children as these. Although we live in NYC where anything goes :-). Be strong and a good role model for your beautiful children and your son, beautiful curls and all, will be too.
Salma,
Your posts are always so thought-provoking, and I love them.
I think that it is difficult to change people’s reaction to stimuli, in this case, your son’s skin color. But, what you can change is how your children treat others who may look different to them by discussing these same feelings and reactions that you have with them.
And, by writing here and sharing your story, it really gives us moms a better understanding of what you’re thinking and feeling.
As for my own kids, they look a lot like me, but my oldest has lighter hair than my husband’s and mine. People often ask where she got that hair color from. There are people with lighter hair in our ancestry.
We are also a very tall family. I often get people pointing out how tall my child is. (I know she’s tall — I’m her mom, and I’m 5’10 and her dad standing next me is 6’4.)
And, we’ve had a parent ask what we were using to correct my daughter’s left-handedness. Yep. We bought her a pair of lefty scissors. We want her to be who she is.
Thanks for sharing your story, Salma!
Jen 🙂
So interesting! Our kids look alot like us, so we don’t have the same experiences you do, but it seems people still always talk about if they look like us or each other. Maybe it’s human nature for people to categorize and compare/contrast?? But I can see your point, and you want your children to stand out for who they are and not how the look. I think we can all relate to that. Thanks for your honest post!