I recently found out I’m pregnant…with twins. What was going to be our second child turned into #2 and #3. This is exciting, overwhelming, and terrifying, and yet part of it is me just being a tad self-centered.
How will I look after?
I’ve struggled with my body image as long as I can remember.
But honest to goodness, I remember looking in the mirror at 7 months with my daughter Bella, huge as I was, and feeling so confident about it all. The stretch marks (I got like 4 but don’t hate me – the hyperemesis I had made up for lack of them), the huge belly, the cave of a belly button (mine never popped. It just kinda stretched into a large hole…).
And this time around, it’s the same, but more. I’m having twins. So at 10 weeks I already have a noticeable belly. I have to wear maternity pants. But none of it matters right now. I really love this part of pregnancy, as rough as the other stuff can be.
What is hard is the aftermath.
I remember standing in the hospital bathroom hours after Bella was born, looking with total shock at the sagging skin my stomach had left. The bloat. The stretched out mess. I cried so hard, my hands gripping the sink as I tried to wrap my head around it all. I had no idea it was going to look like that. Or if it would ever change.
It did, not all the way back but it did change and tighten up with time.
So now I’m here again. Dealing with a twin pregnancy. I’ve worked the past 2 years on taking that moment in the mirror and trying to accept and love my body for what it can do, what it offers, not how it looks. From pouring my heart out on my blog, to connecting with other women who have that same insecurity. It’s not easy. I’m not there. I might never totally be.
I can’t imagine what I’ll look like after delivering twins – however they end up being born.
But this time, I hope I can look in that mirror with a small sense of pride and awe – even through the tears. Even as nothing fits, and I have the stomach that squishes and folds. I can look at two healthy babies in my room and know its OK.
There will be a reason for it all. Beyond looks. Beyond my feelings. My body doesn’t define me as a mother or a person. It’s a vessel to help me be the best of both.
Have you struggled with body image either during or after pregnancy? How have you learned to bounce back or cope with the new “you?”
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our mother of 1, 2 and 3 in El Paso, Texas, Diana.You can also find Diana blogging at Hormonal Imbalances.
The image used in this post is credited to Dustin Askins. It has a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
I can so relate to this. I too have struggled with body issues my whole life and while I handled the pregnancy body changes ( I did ok, not great) I’ve had a hard time with the post partum bod. For me it’s not about weight – I gained 17 lbs during pregnancy and lost 27 lbs post – but it’s about the change in the structure and tautness of my body. My hips are in a different place, my boobs are moving South, and my stomach looks like a ball of dough. My favorite is when my son kneads it while he’s nursing! Asaahhh!
Of course they’re worth it. But I do wish I could be one of those women who takes pride in the magnificence of her body after bearing children. I want to. I really really want to. I’m just not there yet.
Your body is amazing – just think what it’s done and is doing now.
I really wish we lived in a culture where post-baby bodies were more celebrated than pre-baby bodies: womanly-ness rather than girly-ness. (sigh)
I agree with you Karyn!
I agree with you, Karyn!
Before I had my wee lad I couldn’t understand why mothers would feel ashamed, or not comfortable, in their ‘new’ bodies. With all that the body had gone through they should feel proud of their tummies and stretch marks – however, I felt just like you did after he was born. I couldnt fit into the trousers I had brought to the hospital (they said to bring comfortable trousers, but I had to keep wearing my maternity trousers, nobody had warned me, and I was shocked). It took me about a year to fit back into my normal clothes, but they still didn’t feel quite right… I am pregnant with number 2 now, (only one in there), and I had to start with maternity clothes a lot earlier than last time, and I am also wondering what will it be like this time around – I guess I should probably start thinking about joining a gym this time, to do some active to get back into shape again, because I will get back into shape (I hope…) 🙂
I gained so much weight with my first! I think it was because I had a miscarriage before getting successfully pregnant, so I was afraid to do anything strenuous. I also carried out on every urge to eat! After I had her, it took me a few years to take off the weight.
I TOTALLY get how you are feeling. I definitely felt that way about my body.
When my daughter was 2 yrs old (she’s now 4 and 1/2 and my little one is nearly a year!) I read the book, “In Defense of Food” by Michael Pollan and it changed the way I ate and grocery shopped without me going on a diet. It was a healthy eating wake up call for me and my family. I don’t follow it perfectly, but the changes I did made have made a difference over time. And, I took up yoga, which helped me get back into the swing of exercising and then opened the door for pilates and the little running that I recently started.
I admit, I do know the size I’d like to be, but I’m realizing that there are more important things in life. So, if I get there, then wooohooo!! and if I don’t then that means that I’m too busy living life to be stressing over it! That’s what I’ll be telling myself! lol
Jen 🙂
I just delivered 6 days ago with by first by emergency csection 5 weeks early. My little boy was completely healthy and I was so thankful after having a rough pregnancy being on bed rest for 4 months and losing one of the babies. However I had similar bathroom moment. I was completely unprepared for what I saw. I don’t have stretch marks either but always being very small and a runner it was a shock to still have the belly afterwards. I know with time I’ll return to my new normal but in the meantime I’m terrified of being mistaken for still being pregnant.
Congratulations Heather for your baby boy! I had the same fear about being mistaken as still pregnant, but it will go away, especially if you’re a runner. Hang in there!
Oh I can definitely relate! I have suffered with body image issues ever since I can rmb and even now it still bothers me that I still can’t lose the last few pounds I gained in pregnancy..
Hang in there, you’re definitely not alone!
After I gave birth to our twins, I still looked as if I was nine months pregnant with a singleton. The fluffy new robe my mother-in-law bought for me to wear in the hospital couldn’t be tide shut over my postpartum belly. I was devastated that my body could still be that huge. A couple of weeks after bringing the babies home, we needed to buy more onesies and I also really wanted to get out of the house, but I was scared to go to the store for fear that the cashier or strangers would ask me when I was due?! I wore my third-trimester maternity pants for longer than I cared to, but when I could finally fit into my first-trimester maternity jeans I laughed and called them my ‘skinny’ jeans. I joked about it with all my friends. I wrote a status about it on Facebook. The laughter helped with feeling self-conscious or shameful that I couldn’t completely lose my pregnancy body despite accomplishing the amazing feat of giving birth to two human beings. We all cope in different ways and you sound like you’re already better prepared for your self-image after this pregnancy than your first, and I can tell you that the hard work required of twins (and a toddler, too, in your case!) will definitely help you shed those pounds. But more than getting into skinny jeans again, there will be days that you will think you ROCK as a mom because of all that you are doing for your family, with squishes and folds and all! I’m very excited for your twins!!!
My last pregnancy was over 2 years ago, and my little secret is that I still wear my favorite maternity camisole and t-shirt at home from time to time. They are so comfortable and always make me feel thinner 😉 Hang in there and welcome supportive friends who can remind you how beautiful you and your family are while also helping you remember your future fitness goals.
I think you’ve probably voiced the feelings of nearly every mother who reads this blog. Essentially we want healthy babies but there’s a split second moment once you’ve delivered that healthy baby when the flicker of horror kicks in.
I was 17 when my oldest was born and my belly which resembled ET (it was 1988 after all) absolutely terrified me. I honestly thought I would never look normal again. Belly returned to almost normal and I still I went back two more times after that to stretch it to extreme proportions.
I look forward to following your twin journey – I’m sure it’s probably as exciting as it is scary. Hugs to all three of you.
I feel your concerns Diana! When a friend came to see me in the hospital, she said “I thought you gave birth already?”. Even after having huge weight swings up and down all my life (I too have had body image issue all my life), I am at a point where I have never been bigger (without carrying a little one), and I just keep reminding myself how wonderful they are and these are the sacrifices that I have made to have them. I will start to get back to a normal exercise routine soon, and the weight will go back down, and I will have them to kiss and hug… and really that’s what makes it all worth it! Congrats!
Same here! You are not alone! I have dealt with body issues, especially after having kids. I am on a good track right now that includes yoga and biking. I am starting pilates soon and am doing some more walking. I try and try, and hope I will get to a range where I am content. Best of luck to you!
Oh this is so beautifully written I got tears in my eyes…
My first pregnancy was actually pretty good, I didn’t gained a lot of weight but after my son was born then boom I got heavier – so weird.
I struggle with my weight almost since as long as I can remember.
I so love what you said: “There will be a reason for it all. Beyond looks. Beyond my feelings. My body doesn’t define me as a mother or a person. It’s a vessel to help me be the best of both.” that is just beautiful!
All the best to your pregnancy 🙂
I do struggle with body image, but pregnancy and even the first few months has always been my “get out of jail free” card. I never felt judged or anything less than beautiful (almost, minus the bags under the eyes and the spit-up in the hair).