Some would say it was the perfect way to go.
It was a sunny South African day, and my aunt Ann was doing what she loved most – walking her dogs down the quiet country road she lived on. A car approaching from the distance set in motion a chain of events that led to Ann falling and striking her head on a rock. She never knew what hit her. She was dead by the time her body came to rest on the ground.
There was no pain, no languishing in a hospital bed with tearful family members keeping vigil, no questions about whether or not to keep the life support going.
As merciful as Ann’s death was, it was a terrible shock to those of us left behind. When my mother called me with the news, I felt as if all of the breath had been sucked right out of me. It was the last thing I had expected to hear. By the time I boarded the plane for the long trip to South Africa, I was still in a state of disbelief. Even now, a month later, I feel slightly overwhelmed by the harsh reminder that life can be a lot more fragile than we usually think.
While I have always known that people can and do die without warning, this has never happened in my own personal experience. Everyone I have lost up until this point in my life has been either sick or old. Those losses have not been less painful by any means, and they have not necessarily been easier to accept. But they have definitely been less shocking.
For the first time, I am confronted with the ugly reality that at any moment, someone I love could very unexpectedly not be there anymore.
More than ever before, I find myself wanting to hold my loved ones close to my heart. Seeing my mother lose her last sibling has made me reflect deeply on my relationship with my brother. He is the only sibling I have, and this sudden death in the family makes me want to be a better sister to him.
It’s not that I’ve been a bad sister. It’s just that I haven’t really made much effort over the last few years to stay in touch with him, to keep up with what’s been going on in his life, and to let him know that he is important to me. Apart from the big events in our lives, we haven’t really had any contact. I feel driven to rectify that and find ways to reconnect with my brother.
These events in my life could very possibly lead to a shift in how I teach my two children about the importance of their relationship as brothers. The sibling relationship takes on extra significance when one child has a developmental disability that automatically places the other in a caretaker kind of role.
When my kids are grown and I’m no longer around, my younger son, James, could quite literally be his brother’s keeper.
Until now, I have just kind of assumed that this is the natural order of things, that when parents die, it is up to the siblings to look out for each other. What I have started questioning is the obligation behind this: should siblings take care of each other because they are obligated to, or because they want to?
I worry that if I try to drum a sense of duty into my kids, there will be potential for them to grow up with some resentment towards each other. Instead, it is my hope to foster a relationship of genuine brotherly love between them, so that they make a natural progression into being best friends as they grow from childhood into adolescence and then adulthood.
The makings of this kind of brotherly loyalty already seem to be in place. When James isn’t home, George always expresses a desire to see him. James, for his part, refers to his brother as “my George”. They experience a healthy level of sibling rivalry but they are never short of a hug for each other, and there are many mornings when I wake up to find them curled up together in George’s bed, with George’s arm thrown casually but protectively over his little brother.
My boys are there for each other now, and if I do my job as a parent right, they will be there for each other for the rest of their lives.
Do sibling relationships play an important role in your family? Do you believe that there should be a sense of obligation between adult siblings?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Kirsten Doyle of Toronto, Canada. Kirsten can also be found on her blog, Running for Autism, or on Twitter @Running4autism. You can also connect with her on Facebook.
Photo credit to the author.
Thought provoking post, Kirsten.
Sibling relationships are very important in Craig’s family and less so in ours. I have a polite and coridal relationship with both of my sisters and I would be there in a flash if they ever said they needed me – but we are so different as people that, had we not been siblings, I doubt we would have anything to do with one another.
The older two of our own boys have the fairly common 95% great together 5% trying to decapitate one another thing going on at the moment, and the little fella is more like their pet than another sibling – for now. I hope they are close mates when they grow up – but I suspect not, and hope I am proven wrong.
I just don’t know about the ‘should’, Kirsten – I think that’s one of the most dangerous words on the planet and the sibling relationship isn’t the same as a parent-child one. Got me thinking, that’s for sure.
Thanks for the comment! You know, it’s such a tricky question. My husband and his brother don’t have a relationship at all. They are polite when they see each other, and we all get along OK at Christmas, but that’s about it. And I often wonder, when the first of them dies, how will the other feel? Will there be any regrets?
First of all Kirsten, I am so sorry for your loss.
This is such a beautiful reminder about love and the bond we share with our siblings. In Indonesian cultures, we are brought up to believe that family stick together – we all help each others – that’s the way to go and I was raised that way. My mother came from a big family, 6 siblings. They still take care of one another, helping one another’s children. One of my aunts took my young cousin under her wing because my aunt passed away. One of my uncles is helping paying school tuition for another cousin. That kind of things. Sense of obligations might be what it is, I’m not sure but that’s just how they were raised…to help one another no matter what.
I’m pretty close with my two younger brothers – albeit our differences but we are pretty close.
This is a beautiful post.
You raise the question of relationships between cousins. This can be very important too. I come from a relatively small extended family – in my generation on my mom’s side there’s just me, my brother, and 5 cousins. All of us were really close growing up, and although we’ve kind of scattered to the winds as adults, I was kind of proud of how most of us pulled together in the wake of this tragedy.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your aunt, Kirsten.
I value my siblings (I have 2 older brothers, 1 younger sister). My sister and I are best friends, but I’m not as close to my brothers as I could be. The age difference between my eldest brother and I are 5 years, and even from a young age, we weren’t close. I have a better relationship with my 2nd brother but he’s lived halfway across the world from me for nearly 20 years. Having said that, I know that if I needed them, my brothers will be there for me in a heartbeat (needless to say, so will my sister) and vice versa. Sibling relationships are so precious, and that’s part of the reason we decided to have a second child. I want my son to be able to experience the kind of sibling love I have.
This post is a good reminder that life is short, and we do need to hold our loved ones closer. Thank you for that.
It was the same for my mom and her siblings. My aunt was my mom’s best friend and they saw each other all the time. And like you, my mom was not as close to my uncle, although they were there for each other when the need arose. It is my hope that I can rekindle a closer relationship with my own brother. If he were to die right now I would be filled with regrets of missed opportunities.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you for sharing your family with us through this beautiful post!
Thank you!
Kirsten, what a tragic loss. I am so sorry about your aunt. Her death has taught you so much, and it’s meaningful when a person can experience a tragedy and turn it into something profound.
If James naturally grows to want to look after George, then that is beautiful. But, it’s too early to tell what James’ dreams are and what his life will entail and where he winds up living and what he will have on his plate when it comes to looking after his own family. I think once James is an adult, keeping him in on the conversation when it comes to what George needs, will help you decide together what is best for George in the future.
But, I think taking care of George is a decision he will need to come to on his own, not something that should be automatically expected of him. Once it is clear that there is no pressure or expectation on James, the desire to look after his brother may grow organically, without the possibility of resentment.
Very profound post!
Jen 🙂
That is my view as well. James cannot be “told” that he has to take care of George. It is a decision he has to make himself. And there may be times when he needs to do his own thing, and I am totally fine with that. It would be my hope that at those times, he would still ensure that George has a support system in place. But like you say, this should come about because of what James wants to do.
My condolences, Kirsten! You are so thoughtful with your boys. I think you are laying the foundation, and that’s the best you can do. I am the youngest of 5 siblings, and we all love each other dearly. It took til we were adults before we stopped fighting like cats and dogs, but we got there. That common history and love bound us. I think about that with my boys. I want them to be close all their lives, but I don’t think we can control that. We will drive ourselves and them crazy trying. Just keep laying the foundation and let them find their way. XO!
I hear you about the fighting like cats and dogs! My brother and I were always fighting as kids, and it’s only as adults that we’ve been able to incorporate a friendship in our sibling relationship. We have a good foundation to build on, so I am hopeful for a great relationship with him going forward.
My deepest condolences on the tragic loss of your aunt Kristen.
I am 4.5 years older than my sister, and from the time she was born Inwas always her second mother. ESP when I was in high school when she had to have a series of surgeries and was bound to a wheelchair for some time. My mother always instilled on me how it was my responsibility to care for my sister, I would have to take her to the movies with my friends and have to stay home to care for her if my parents went out. I never felt any resentment because of it and accepted that role since I was able to. Even today, my mother constantly tells me that I will need to care for my sister and make sure that she is ok financially should anything ever happen to my mother (and I do – I am the more responsible sister anyhow). Today as adults, I am very close to my sister even though she lives across the country and you couldn’t find 2 more different people. My kids love her and talk to her on the phone almost daily.
I think my mother “pushing” the caretaker responsibilities on me for many years at an early age, and constantly telling us that we only will have each once she is gone has helped to get us to this place where we are today (and I do not hold any resentment towards her for it). My closeness with my sister is the main reason that I had to give my son a sibling (and I have already started to tell him that he will have to always protect his little sister – even though he is only 5). 🙂
Thank you for your perspective! I think a lot depends on how the parents approach it. I am so glad that you and your sister have such a close relationship, and that carries forward into the next generation, as you have seen with your own kids. My husband and my brother-in-law don’t have a good relationship, and what makes me really sad is that because of this, my boys hardly ever get to see the only cousin they have.