A few weeks ago, my son had a friend over for a sleepover. This friend is just a few months younger, but they are in the same pre-K classroom and have developed quite a wonderful friendship.
I let the boys stay up late watching movies and playing superhero games because, why not? When I finished up the project I was working on, I told the boys it was time to brush their teeth and get ready for bed.
The friend went straight into the bathroom and started brushing his teeth. My son came to me so I could brush his teeth.
And suddenly I noticed that I might be babying my child, without even realizing it.
T is 5 years old. I’ve had him try brushing his teeth a few times, but there is always leftover food. So I take his hand and guide him to show him how to get those more difficult back teeth. I’d like to help him practice more often, but most nights I am just too tired. I’d rather brush his teeth and just be done with it. He’s never had a problem with this.
Until recently, I was also buckling his seatbelt every time we got into the car. Then I noticed his friend was buckling his own seatbelt. It hadn’t even occurred to me that this was something T could do just fine on his own. Sometimes I forget, but for the most part I have finally started having him do it himself.
It’s not a conscious choice that I might “baby” my son. These are just things that haven’t even occurred to me as tasks he is perfectly capable of doing.
Like most parents, I want my son to grow up to be a strong, independent and intelligent member of society. He already pretty much is. He’ll be reading before Kindergarten starts this fall, he can do basic math, he uses proper grammar and (usually) enunciates quite clearly. He helps me make dinner, makes his own sandwiches, pours himself milk out of the small pitcher I have especially for him, and he is (almost) always up for helping me out with daily chores.
But when one of these seemingly small tasks pop up that I notice other children his age are doing on their own, I wonder if there is some subconscious part of me that might be trying to hold on to my baby for just a little bit longer. Or am I reading too much into it?
I always say that parenting is a learning process. This is my first (and possibly only) kid. I’m as new to parenting a 5-year-old as I was caring for a newborn when I was 23.
It’s all about paying closer attention. Now I’m opening my eyes and seeing what else he might be perfectly capable of doing himself. A lot of our dishes are in lower cabinets – could he be ready to unload the dishwasher himself? Maybe he can start washing himself in the tub now. He’s got to be almost tall enough to steer the vacuum around the living room.
I plan on talking to T about all the things he can do now that he’s 5. He’s always excited about new responsibilities, so it’ll be interesting to see his take on this.
Do you encourage your child to do things on his own? Have you ever caught yourself “babying” an older child without meaning to?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Roxanne of Nevada, USA. You can find Roxanne at her editorial website, RoxannePiskel.com, and her personal blog, Unintentionally Brilliant.
Photo credit to Pink Sherbet Photography . This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Roxanne (USA)
Roxanne is a single mother to a 9-year-old superhero (who was born 7 weeks premature), living in the biggest little city and blogging all about her journey at Unintentionally Brilliant. She works as a Program Coordinator for the NevadaTeach program at the University of Nevada, Reno. Roxanne has a B.A. in English from Sierra Nevada College. She has about 5 novels in progress and dreams about completing one before her son goes to high school.
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We ebb and flow a bit depending on how tired the boys are and how much time we have to get out the door. Sometimes kids just need their Mum to help out, and that’s OK by me. Sometimes they need a little nudge to move on into independence. I try an warn the older boys when a change is coming up for them; with the little fella we just change things as we see he is able and interested – seems to work.
We have been discussing this exact topic in our house recently. Most of the conversation was spurred around an article in the Wall Street Journal titled “A Field Guide to the Middle-Class U.S. Family”. It discusses how parents DO do too much for their children as compared to parents in other countries. What we took from this article, as you concluded by observation, is that young children can do more than we allow. With that said, we have Big Girl (4.5yr) doing a little more around the house and a lot more for herself. Simple tasks – like dress herself, set the dinner table, put her snack bowl in the sink when finished, etc. I am often amazed at our weekly ballet class, that all of the little girls for are 4 to 5 years old are dressed by their moms. I do think a lot of it, for me especially, is the “I can do it faster and/or better” mentality. So the key for me is patience and not to be in a rush 🙂 As for teeth brushing, I read/heard somewhere that parents need to help brush until age 6. I am not ready to allow cavities in order to gain independence – there are MANY other tasks can accomplish this lesson! 🙂
That is how I feel as well – that I would rather brush his teeth and avoid cavities. So, when there is time, I have him brush his teeth first and then I help him get those back teeth. I’ll be looking up that article – I’m sure it would be very interesting to read.
Your post made me smile because my “baby” is nearly 16 years old! I knew she’d be my last and I was tempted to let her keep her pacifier just a little bit longer 🙂 Luckily for both of us, my hubby was super vigilant and didn’t let me “baby” her at all. The sweet irony is that now that she’s a pretty young lady, it’s my husband who has trouble letting her go out and do things and I’m the one who is vicariously enjoying her exploits! I have to admit that I ended up rescuing 2 cats and 2 dogs to “baby” instead! 🙂
Great post, Rox. I agree, it IS a learning process and until you have a second (or third or fourth) child someday, everyday with your first is the FIRST day of having a child that age.
Our oldest child is a girl and she’s always been very independent and capable. Now that she’s six, the world is her’s to navigate. There are many things I know she can (and would like to) do on her own but some that society just wouldn’t approve of (which really is half the parenting battle in this-day-and-age). For instance, each morning I walk her half a mile to school through a sweet little path that leads from our neighborhood, down a hill, across a field and to her school. On many days, her tag-a-long, three-year-old brother dawdles and whimpers so much along the way that it nearly makes us late. Half the time I wish that I could either leave him at home (can’t) or just let her carry on the rest of the way solo (could but would probably hear about it through disapproving comments at the next PTA meeting).
In regards to the teeth brushing, we always have our daughter brush her own teeth and then end by doing a once-over ourselves. Our dentist told us that until kids are 8, they don’t have the dexterity to properly angle the tooth brush and clean their teeth alone.
If you can get T to pick up all the vacuuming, power to you (and him)!
Hi Rox,
From my experiences of talking with other mothers, girls do seem to become more independent than boys. Although, my daughter only recently has gotten better about cleaning up her toys at the end of the day. (I still remember not wanting to clean up all my Barbie stuff on the floor before dinner!) But, she brushes her teeth herself, and so far so good, on the cavities. We also water down her juice and keep her sugar intake on the low side, which I’m sure plays into it, too. She uses a spin brush, and I feel like it gives her teeth a better clean.
So far, she (4 and 1/2 yrs old) cleans up her toys (and her sister’s who’s only 1 years old) daily. She also likes to put the cutlery away (I take out the sharp knives first!) from the dishwasher, if she’s with me while I’m doing it. I also find her voluntarily doing things for her sister, like getting toys out for her, getting her towels out if we’re giving her a bath, etc. She dresses herself (you would know it, if you saw her!). I only interfere with her dressing herself if what she chose is not weather appropriate. Otherwise, I let her be creative in her outfit selection, which is fun for her. Tonight she asked if she could put the pasta in the boiling water, to which I said no. Her room is often a little messy (due to the wardrobe selection process lol).
I’ve read that asking a child to do things for themselves or to help also helps give them a feeling of self worth. They are happy that we trust them to do things.
I think you’re absolutely right. We try things out as parents along the way and also read cues from our children. They all eventually get to where they need to be!
Jen 🙂