“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone’s hand is the beginning of a journey. At other times, it is allowing another to take yours.” ~Vera Nazarian
One of the most misunderstood parts of motherhood is the emotional roller-coaster you’re on right after giving birth. Everyone expects you to be settling in blissfully while staring doe-eyed at your bundle of joy.
But having a baby is both amazingly fantastic and ridiculously exhausting.
Whether you’re a first time mom or not, the disruption while everyone adjusts to the new normal can be overwhelming. You may be fortunate enough to have a wonderful mom (or a well-meaning mother in law) to step in and help but relinquishing a degree of your control over the day-to-day can contribute to frustration too. And if you’re like many women, the combination of these factors may lead to a case of “baby blues”, or to full blown post partum depression [PPD].
These negative emotions can be confusing for both the mom and those around her as well. Many women think there must me something wrong with them, assuming they “should” feel happy. More often than not, feelings of guilt, shame, and the need to put up a facade prevent women from reaching out to tell anyone how they really feel.
I can attest to the fact that it’s very isolating to be ashamed of your emotions, and have them not make sense to you. It’s hard to imagine anyone would understand.
When your symptoms of depression and being overwhelmed include long episodes of crying, it’s more obvious to people that you’re dealing with depression. But what if that’s not your experience? What if it’s hypersensitivity and irritability (or even rage), triggered by really minor stuff, instead of tears? What if, rather than feeling a lack of emotion toward your baby—like the books say often happens with PPD—you experience feelings of distance from your spouse and your other children?
My experience with post partum depression looked very much like what I just described. I felt guilty for my lack of emotion toward the rest of my family and ashamed that I couldn’t consistently keep up with the house and food and laundry and still parent my kids. My irritability and rage made my husband withdraw and I felt incredibly alone, overwhelmed and confused, unable to confide in anyone.
I went undiagnosed with PPD for several years. Eventually, I became aware of my behavior as a mother and out of shame, and a sense of duty to my children, I reached out for help.
My family doctor prescribed an antidepressant. But it didn’t help me understand my particular experience with PPD or gain any sense that it was a common occurrence.
Upon joining Twitter, I came across a community of women who used the hashtag #ppdchat in their tweets to one another. During a weekly scheduled Twitter chat using the hashtag #ppdchat, I asked if my “strange” symptoms of rage, irritability, and distance from my family were valid PPD symptoms.
You can’t imagine the relief that swept over me that day as I learned that my feelings were typical. I felt an incredible sense of community with the women I was talking to on Twitter. Having never spoken out loud some of the darkest things I had thought or felt because I didn’t think people would understand, I was suddenly surrounded with validation and support.
Since that day, I’ve been a very active member of the weekly Twitter #ppdchat. Between those weekly chats, the women who participate in the chats are encouraged to call out for help by adding #ppdchat to their tweet if they need to talk to someone who understands.
I’ve spent time responding and conversing with moms who reach out with a need to connect to someone and I have also been that mom, who has reached out to the community that way. Women discuss their anxieties, feeling overwhelmed by unexplained sorrow, ask for suggestions to help cope with a co-worker or family member, who doesn’t understand and who invalidates their emotional struggles, and open up in very brave and vulnerable ways.
Surviving and healing from the effects of post partum depression is an ongoing journey.
You never really forget the darkest moments you experience, and it gives you such compassion for others walking that road. The self awareness and healing that community can bring is priceless and it begins by feeling safe, and risking trust, and reaching out.
Did you struggle with post partum depression, or have you been close to someone who experienced it?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our recently-divorced, highly-resourceful, single-mom of four, Frelle, in North Carolina.
The image used in this post is credited to Don Hankins. It has a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Frelle (USA)
Jenna grew up in the midwestern US, active in music and her church community from a young age. She developed a love of all things literary thanks to her mom, and a love of all things science fiction thanks to her dad. She left the midwest in her early twenties and has lived in the south ever since.
On her blog, she tries to write words that make a difference to people. Long before she attended college to major in Special Ed and Psychology, she became an advocate for special needs and invisible disabilities. She's always been perceptive of and encouraging to those who struggle to fit in. Having been through several dark seasons in her own life, she's found empowerment in being transparent and vulnerable about her emotions, making deep and lasting friendships, and finding courage to write from her heart. Her biggest wish is to raise her kids to be compassionate people who love well.
She's been online since 1993, with a total of 19 years of social media exposure. Having friends she doesn't know in real life has been normal for her since her junior year in college, and she's grateful every day for the ways technology helps her stay in touch with friends from all over the world.
Jenna lives in a suburb of Raleigh, North Carolina, and is a freelance writer and a stay at home single mom to 3 girls and a boy. She blogs at MadeMoreBeautiful.comMadeMoreBeautiful.com.
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Frelle, I am so pleased that places like Twitter exist for groups like your ppdchat. It’s great to hear you have found support, and are able in your turn to offer that to others. The isolation in which we are expected to live and thrive is possibly one of the great tragedies of modern western life.
Thank you for coming to read, and comment. I appreciate your validation and encouragement too. The isolation is a huge tragedy.
These journeys that we travel in infertility, adoption, depression … abuse …
So many times where women have felt so alone, have been brought together with social media, and posts such as these.
You are blessing others with your words – what a gift!
I agree, Ive see it time and again since Ive been online. Thank you for letting me know I’m a blessing *HUG*
We all are made up of so many bits, different from any one and every one else.
There will never be another one like us, who can tell our story.
Than you for sharing yours.
Thank you for your sweet words, I love when you find your way to something I’ve written.
Thank you for sharing your story. You often hear that the world of the internet is anonymous and allows people to be mean and hateful without being found out. In that anonymous world, I am happy to know that it also allows us to be open and loving without any limits.
I sometime feel a sense of rage for minor issues and wonder if my feeling are related to hormones. I was struck by your sentence: “I went undiagnosed with PPD for several years”. Years??? I thought all the baby hormones would wear off eventually. Maybe not? Maybe our internal makings are now different forever. Your post is really making me turn inward and look at myself and my action (and yes, bringing me to tears!).
Thank you for sharing your story.
Frelle,
This was my favorite line, “I was suddenly surrounded with validation and support.” Thank you for getting the word out about the #ppdchat on Twitter! It is awesome that the support group was able to provide you with that. It’s so important!!
Also, for anyone reading and wondering about the signs and symptoms of PPD, there is fantastic place to go — Katherine Stone at Post Partum Progress lists symptoms of PPD here: http://postpartumprogress.org/2011/02/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety/
Great post, Frelle!
Jen 🙂
Thank you so much, and for providing the additional resource as well. Grateful to be able to tell my story here.
What a great post! The first post on wrote on WMB was about my terrifying experience with PPD thus I can completely relate. Another excellent blog I follow is called Postpartum Progress. It is amazing! I recovered fully and had a second child PPD free! Thanks for sharing your story!
This is so beautiful Frelle.
It’s amazing how our stories are all so different yet, our feelings are just the same.
That’s why ppdchat and this community of women ppd bloggers mean the world to me and so many others. I felt completely alone…with blogging…I felt supported
xoxo
Frelle, this resonated with me so much. “But having a baby is both amazingly fantastic and ridiculously exhausting.” It is so hard adjusting to the new normal. Meeting you and the other wonderful mamas on #ppdchat helped me realize that I was not alone. I felt so much love and support from other women who understood the experience that I was going through.
What a wonderful, eye opening post Frelle. The fact that this went on for year undiagnosed is resonating with me. What an amazing thing the Internet is!
I used #ppdchat for many months after my first one was born! Those women are really supportive and so understanding about what moms wih PPD are going through. In 3 weeks we are going to have another baby and I am so afraid PPD migt come back. I remember those terribly dark days and I’m so scared that I will have to go through it again. Now, I’m more prepare, though. Both, me and my husband know what’s PPD and we know that with his support and all those women out there I can overcome it again!
I had that rage and irritability but I think I never really had an “explosion of emotions”, if you could call it that. It was bearable, I guess, or maybe nobody in our house didn’t just open the issue up because I just birthed my child, etc. But I was around a friend who got depressed after giving birth and it was scary. She would lock herself up in a bathroom with a knife on her wrist while we were crooning to her on the door to open up and everything will be okay. Boy, was that tough.