The Caretaker’s Dilemma: Where am I needed most?
The world (particularly here in the USA) is full of “working moms,” and yet we regard ourselves and others with emotion, anxiety and something bordering on distrust.
If you’re a working mom (or if you are married to one) you know what I mean. You’re chatting with another mom at the park, and while your kids (and her kids) climb up the slides, the conversation turns personal. She tells you that she’s watched her kids climb the slide for the last six hours and in turn, you tell her that you saw patients (or graded papers, or drove to a client, or filled orders) for the last six hours.
And though at this moment both sets of kids feel the same sense of security married to freedom, both of you feel like maybe the activities that comprise your everyday conflict with your children’s needs.
Which brings us back to why we work in the first place, really…Not to give our kids more stuff, but to give them more of what they need: experiences, education, food and shelter. And, when the time comes to buy stuff (which, for most of us with kids happens quite a bit, actually) we like to have the means to make a choice about what we bring into our home.
But here is where things get blurry. Some of us have enough to make ends meet without a job, while some moms can’t make ends meet even with a job (or more than one). In many cases, the choice to work isn’t a choice at all.
I Googled the phrase Working Moms to see what’s out there. Guess what popped up as the first related topics?
Working moms against guilt.
And next:
Working moms support group.
And, just slightly further down the list I found:
Working moms club followed by Working moms only.
As a society, we’re pulled into a strained dichotomy that tells us parents are on opposites sides here.
And the strange thing is that even if your daily round technically places you on one side, chances are your heart isn’t always there with you and you’re thirsty for the other side, at least sometimes. You know what you’ve heard about the grass on the other side. You know what the Google search told you about the other side. Heck, you just heard about the other side from the mom at the park and surely she gets it, after all she lives it.
I’m going to tell you what’s really on the other side. Kids. Your kids, at the moment, and on a jumbo scale the kids of the greater world and they all need the same thing. At this minute mine are asking for dry underwear, craft glue and an Indiana Jones-Lego-guy-head. Those are the little things they are calling for right now, but they are really asking for something more comprehensive: my attention. My love. That’s exactly what your kids want from you.
Loving our kids isn’t hard, but loving ourselves enough to be present with our choices isn’t at all easy. But it’s important not to cloud this topic into an issue, a pro versus a con, a yin versus a yang. Wherever your day leads you, showing up with compassion for yourself and the tasks which are meant for you will guide your kids into an environment of awareness, calm and best of all: love.
You don’t need to fall onto a this-or-that mentality, for yourself or for your kids. As adults, we have mounds of judgmental baggage that have gathered while trying to make our way in this world that even the most enlightened among us have failed to avoid expectations entirely. It’s this unwanted hefty load that makes us wonder if our daily round is the “right choice”. I’m not even going to get into the fact that most of us, with or without paying occupations, feel that perhaps we could be doing something more to align our tasks with our most meaningful purpose on this Earth.
Whew…all of this thinking can keep a parent up at night, will cause severe thought drift and can pull us away from the gold-plated moments: the moments we share with our kids.
Separation from this blur of doubt is essential. At its most harmless, this thinking causes stress and distraction; at its worst it harms family bonds and pollutes our blessings. It can also be a heavy, burdensome influence on our kids who look to us for guideposts as they form opinions about the world around them. This planet needs kids who believe that their ideas, choices and paths are worthwhile.
This planet needs kids that trust their strongest creative impulses and do more than utter their voice in a crowd. This planet needs kids that understand that their work – inside and outside of their home – makes a difference and that there is no right way to emerge.
This evening I did another Google search. I typed Kids’ Ideas into the search bar. The first suggested topic was Kids’ ideas for mother’s day. Next was Kids’ ideas for inventions, followed by Kids’ ideas for Earth Day, trailed by Kids’ ideas for recycling. Next appeared Kids’ ideas about love and Kids’ ideas for love.
It was there but down at the bottom right where it should be: Kids’ ideas for making money. We must be doing something right; when our kids are looking for answers about the world, at least they are asking the right questions, in the right order.
In addition to being a mother, do you work inside or outside of the home? Does doing so (or not doing so) cause anxiety and make you feel guilty sometimes? How do you deal with these feelings?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from Jill Barth.
The photo is credited to the author.
I’ve been out of the workforce for over 3 years now, and I STILL have guilt over spending time doing my own thing (blogging, venturing into social media). It’s like an inbuilt thing 🙂
Alison,
Thanks for commenting!
It’s the guilt over everything, right? A friend of mine once shared that she felt guilty taking a long hot shower while her son was was in the gym daycare. It seems important to stop guilty thoughts (the negative little darlings) and replace them with this: “What I’m doing right now is acceptable. All is well.”
I like your bio – “she reminds you to breathe,” which is just what this post does.
Thanks Jennie — Not only breathe, but take a good deep one. Take a few more. There…
🙂
I’ve been fortunate enough to be both a SAHM a working mom and Jill is 100% correct. What’s more important than what you actually do is how you feel about it! There’s no “right” or “wrong” here – just what works for you and your family. Looking back I really don’t know how we survived when I wasn’t working for a paycheck, but somehow we did. Just like the best thing I ever did for my son was to let him go to Day Care so that my “overprotective instinct” didn’t completely smother his self-confidence! You can drop your baggage and trust that you’re exactly where you are meant to be, so you might as well enjoy it! 🙂
Great point, Mamma Simona… (and thanks for your comment)…
I try to remember that my kids will have loads of experiences with me and without me, in the home and out of the home. All of these experiences help them settle into the people they are.
I love your advice to drop the baggage and trust. Trust that they (and we) are in the right place for us, right now. Great insight.
This is a great post. I think it sums up how many moms feel. I appreciate the reminder to “be present” and that all my children want from me is “love” and “attention”. Not a new doll or toy.
I am home full time. Last year I worked part-time for many months and it turned our home into a tornado. My daughter still talks about that time (not to me to but her grandmother) and how happy she is that I am home now.
I have also realized lately that they are growing up — fast! They days and years are zooming by. And before I know it, all they will need is love and attention. They won’t need me to wipe their bottom or fix them a snack. And then I will have more time to work or pursue some bigger agenda.
Thank you for reminding us all to “breathe” and be present.
Thanks Angela — It is really is the balance that’s hard to achieve. Thanks for your comment!
Jill, wonderful post!
I grew up having boths parents working full time and over time. they both taught me that “you’ve got to work in order to achieve something and be somebody”. If you don’t work means that you’ve got too much time on your hands (no matter how many kids you’ve got).
I am SAHM and because of the philosophy of my parents I do feel guilty about it and I do want to go out there and work. I am some how torn because while I feel I am doing the right thing for my kids (staying home) I do not express myself the way I want.
I appreciate how you honestly take this topic head on. I’ve been a stay at home mom by choice for the past 6 years. The funny thing I feel guilt about? That I don’t feel guilt over my choice. I actually really love it, and I am totally happy. But many, many mothers I know do not feel this way because of all the reasons you discuss. They are stressed about money from not working, or they want to work because being at home doesn’t fulfill them, or they are worried about how they can competively work again someday, or they are working and telling me how lucky I am to be at home. When people share these things, I listen and offer words of encouragement, but I do feel a little awkward because I can’t jump right on in there with the “Of yes, I’m so with you on that.” I think it all comes from the fact that we all care so darn much to be the best we can be for our kids and for our community of other moms. Thanks for prompting a great discussion here.
I fully agree with your and other comments that the important thing is to be honest about and accept your choice for the time you make it. The other thing I’ve learned is that the right choice for each person / family changes over time, so it’s important to remain present in your life and if things don’t feel right, consider choices you may have. A friend wisely once said to me that we can only make the choice that is right for now, we can’t insure that choice against endless ‘what ifs’ of the future. I’ve found that very sound for considering whether or how I work / manage childcare in our six years of family so far. I’m sure our arrangement will shift again – very few of us are on one or other side of the working / not working ‘divide’ forever.
Annabel, you are certainly right. Particularly because our kids grown and change, and family opportunities evolve. That’s the lovely part, right? Thanks so much for your comment!
Hi Jill!
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years, and I plan to re-enter the workforce again when the kids are a bit older. I always imagined being home with my kids, probably because I enjoyed the time that my mom was home with me. But, it all depends on circumstance. Right now the circumstances in my life allow for it. If they didn’t, then I’d have to come up with an alternative plan. I think the idea that this arrangement isn’t forever also takes away any guilt of not being in the workplace.
I think everyone’s family needs different things and also at different times, and we all do our best to make the work, work-at-home or stay-at-home decision with different information that is unique to our family’s needs, our kids’ needs and our own needs.
Thanks for the great discussion!
Jen 🙂
One more thing — I love the photo with World Moms Blog on the computer screen!
Jen 🙂
I honestly think the holy grail of working and raising children is part time work. I don’t know a single mom on either side of the working/stay-at-home divide who doesn’t have some regrets or misgivings. I was working and now I’m staying at home. I love these kids more than anything in the world, but it’s isolating and I’m sometimes starved for adult interaction and intellectual stimulation and, honestly, the knowledge that I’ll have 10 uninterrupted minutes to drink my coffee. If I could have 3 hours a day to have these things I’d be a less testy mom to the kids. But is that possible?
Great thought provoking post Jill. I used to feel guilty for working long hours back in the first year and more of being a single mom. After being a stay at home mom for 4 years and out of the corporate world for over 5 years, it wasn’t easy going back to work but I had no other choice. Now that I am working full time from home, I feel more content…less guilty.
This is such a timely post Jill and I could not agree with you more about the dichotomy between working and not paid working moms. It frustrates me that we can’t all respect each others decisions and situations. Great post!