Having a successful vacation with children requires setting your expectations beforehand.
Friends of ours (who now have grown children) recounted the first time they went on vacation with their newborn. The wife ended up sitting on the beach all day with the baby while the husband went surfing and sailing. It was a disaster.
She said, “ If it’s going to be like this, I may as well stay at home where at least I’ll be more comfortable.” And no – he’s not a selfish guy. They just hadn’t counted on how much having a baby would change things, and they hadn’t communicated what their needs would be in order to relax.
I think the latter is more essential than packing a toothbrush.
My husband and I were both rather intrepid travelers before having children. As a young teenager he hiked the four-day Machu Picchu Inca trail in Cuzco, Peru with his friend in just two days. The rushed trip might have had something to do with the fact that it was colder than expected, and he and his friend hadn’t brought tents or warm clothes. They had also neglected to bring enough food.
As for me, I lived and studied in France, and then ran around Asia – living there for two years and then later traveling there frequently on business. As a couple, we were only married for two months before taking a sabbatical and moving to Africa for a year. Once on the continent, we changed countries four times, and got used to the less-than-comfortable living conditions.
Our first trip with our daughter was when she was six months old. As chance would have it, our week away was a successful one. We were still living in New York, so we decided to fly to Florida for our vacation. We rented a cheap suite in a hotel on the beach, rested and read while the baby was napping, spent time at the pool and the beach when it was not too sunny, and brought our baby to sleep in the stroller at the Cuban restaurant where we ate every night.
So with this first trip under our belt, nothing prepared us for the week we spent in Majorca, Spain when our daughter was 18 months old.
She was no longer content to nap twice a day and sit in one spot. No – she needed to be constantly moving, with us bending over and holding her hand as she walked everywhere. I was also pregnant and nauseous, and found the catered food to be atrocious. This created our first vacation tension as we had both been hoping to rest and swim and lay in the sun whenever the fancy struck us. We realized with deepening dread that gone were those days of peaceful vacation – for the next eighteen years or so.
We just returned yesterday from a trip to the French Atlantic coast near Bordeaux. It was a challenge to feel carefree as vacationing parents, even with the package deal we had that included meals and “kids club,” where we could drop the children off at the play center and go off on our own. The conditions were not the most luxurious, and neither of us had communicated what we needed out of this trip.
Actually – I’m not even sure either of us knew what we needed, and that added stress to our dwindling week – watching our expensive vacation being gobbled up without either of us actually enjoying it.
We’ve learned a few things. In our family, vacationing with our children requires basic elements to be met in order for everyone to have a good time. My husband and I each need alone time in order to relax, which means that the other is “on duty” with the children. We need to agree on how much alone time we need, and at what point during the day we’re going to get it.
As little as we are able to go out on dates throughout the rest of the year, we also need to spend time as a couple at least once during the vacation. This means that we either leave the children with our extended family, if we are traveling together, or we take advantage of the kids club option. Right now we are forsaking luxury just so we can go to places that have a kids club, which is a fairly common vacation option in France. Or at the very least, it means having a date night together in the bungalow when the kids are asleep where we talk about anything but the daily routine.
We also need to make sure we’re taking active time to play with our kids in the activities available, depending on location and season. The year passes us so quickly, and we spend so much time yelling at our kids or rushing them from one thing to the next. These vacations are essential in re-discovering their joyful personalities and letting them see our playful side. “There shall be no fun or joy in this family!” jokes my husband when things get a bit too rowdy.
We need to talk about all these things and prepare our minds for what our vacation is going to be, and when we do that, we are set up to enjoy ourselves no matter what situation we find ourselves in.
And if we can tack on exploring a new city so that our children can expand their horizons (and I can write about it for the tourist section in my blog), well, all the better. But that is less important than creating the space each one of us needs to be able to relax.
This is the advice I have for you, dear readers. Then again, I’ll bet you’ve already figured all that out and are better able to instruct me. So – comments? Advice?
This is an original post to Worlds Mom Blog by our writer in France, Lady Jennie.
The photo used in this post was taken by the author.
Communicating your needs and intentions before actually going on vacation is an excellent idea. My husband and I always plan time for individual activities so the other can grab a couple of hours to do what they want to do, and be kid-free!!
Basic sanity, but easy to forget when it’s a family vacation.
Great advice Jennie! We just came back from our vacation in Europe and we had a blast, but we did have some big setbacks: i.e. diaper blowouts, a fugitive toddler and back aches from carrying our very heavy 8 month old in a baby carrier. I don´t even remember what it´s like to travel without a big suitcase full of bottles, making sure I find formula and baby food as soon as I get somewhere and praying there´s a McDo nearby so the toddler will at least eat once a day… I love traveling with the little ones but I will take your advice next time and make sure we plan some of our activities so that we actually vacation!
Oh yes – traveling with a baby – back-packing around Europe, no less, is a whole other ball game, you courageous woman.
Jennie,
We used to take our oldest to South Carolina, USA when she was a baby and experienced the perfect combo that you mentioned on your first family vacation — we read while she napped, or one went out here while the other stayed with the baby at that time, etc.
When she turned 2 we took her to Annecy, France. The trip was amazing. She was newly potty trained, so that incorporated a whole new facet to our trip! It was really hard work only some of which was expected, but we have some really great memories. Now that she’s 5, travel is a breeze with her. However, our youngest is now 18 mos. This summer we didn’t wander too far, but next summer we hope to be up and traveling again!
Great post about talking about expectations beforehand. I will definitely be keeping that in mind!
Jen 🙂
I can’t believe you managed that – you’re my hero!
Why did you go to Annecy, of all places?
Communication and sharing the parenting responsibilities are key! Our oldest decided at 10 days old that she didn’t like to sleep, and remains that way at 10 years old… so naptime and bedtime on vacation were crazy hard and frustrating. Taking turns with that helped us keep our sanity, and allowed at least one of us at a time to have some alone time. We’ve also been blessed with wonderful families and cousins (oh yes- the cousins!!!) and take one vacation a year with each side of the family. It makes for great bonding time for everyone, we can get out some evenings while the grandparents keep an eye on the sleeping kids, and having cousins around is like a constant playdate. The one thing we’ve learned from that though is that communication with other family members is key too… “We don’t always have to do the same thing… We are going to go off and do something with just the 4 of us one day… No, the kids really don’t need a 3rd ice cream of the day just before bed…” And don’t try to cram too much into one day!
What a lucky thing to be able to travel with both sets of relatives. And I love the tip you added about remembering to do stuff with just your immediate family when you’re all lumped together. We try to do that too on our annual vacation in Bretagne with all the cousins.
Great advice, as always, Lady J. That whole “expectations” thing is killer because, as you say here, so often we don’t know *what* we expect or need until…we don’t get it. Thus, crabbiness (best case scenario, and I won’t go into detail about the worst). I think too that another facet of the family trip (which is NOT a vacation!) is allowing yourself to fall away from standard routines, at least a bit: yes there will probably be more snacks/treats than usual, no people aren’t going to sleep/nap/eat on typical schedules, no you’re probably not going to get hours alone in a museum (unless it’s a gift shop & they sell dinosaurs figures). It’s all okay – routines can be resumed when you get home.
When crabiness is the best case scenario – oh I so relate! But yes, accepting that there is no such thing as a routine (or a trip alone to the museum) is probably half the battle.
Take a tip from Proust: “The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes.” The notion that one can relax on a vacay with young kids is a travesty wrapped in a Sham-wow. If you can get all Proustian-like, and go for the magic of what you can see with new eyes on your journey, you’ll get a vacay, of a different sort, with a different (and fulfilled), expectation. When you come home…take a bubble bath for your R &R: “Calgon…take me away!” TTFNP! (ta ta for now, princess)
Bubble bath after the “R&R” – you sure summed it up there! 😉
Yes! Setting expectations is key. My husband’s priority always seems to be romantic time and mine is making sure the kids don’t melt down (how much of a cliche are we!?!). Discussing this all in advance is key. And so are grandparents! The only vacation we’ve taken in which we can get everything everyone wants has been the one we took with my folks. Ready-made loving in house baby-sitters that you don’t have to fight with your kids to see pretty much make alone/relaxing/romantic time possible.
You make me laugh. Yes, such a cliché. Although my cliché might be more like husband wants to chill and I want to do everything so that I stress everyone out and my husband never gets to chill. Or something like that.
Great tips, Jennie! When I was still married, the only ‘family’ vacation we ever had with my son was a day trip on Labor day weekend to Panama City, FL from Alabama. Then I’ve been traveling along with my son since he was 8 months old. One day I will have a real family vacation with my son and new family and this post will comes in handy 😀 Thanks Lady J!
I can’t wait to hear about your new adventures with your new family. Congratulations!
Oh yes… Long gone are the easy vacations!! I live in a tropical vacation destination for most, and yet, when the summer holidays rolled around with just me and my five year old day in and day out, I realized how much I miss my vacations with solitude and time alone of the beach. Le’ sigh. Some day…
Sometimes it feels like what makes a vacation is 95% solitude when you’re a mom to young kids. I know it’s not true, but it can feel like that. Long live the school days! 😉
p.s. I really, really enjoyed your bog. Recently,I ended up spending a good chunk of time perusing your posts. Tried to comment, but the site wouldn’t allow it.
A heart-felt THANK YOU Erin! 🙂
Normally you should be able to comment, but the first time requires approval, which helps prevent spam. Ideally there should be a message that shows that the comment was received and is waiting for approval but I don’t think my site does that. In any case, after the first time, no approval is necessary.
When we had just one child, it seemed that family vacations were easier. However, since I have been a mother, we have always made sure to go somewhere which had a kitchen so that I can cook for the children (I wrote a post about this last year http://www.worldmomsblog.com/2011/11/15/new-york-usa-a-mothers-job-is-never-done/). This year when it was time to plan our summer vacation, my husband wanted to go to the Caribbean and was looking for an apt with a kitchen as we have always had since being parents. I told him that I didn’t want to spend all that money, to go to the Caribbean and not have a vacation…again. I agreed to go to the Caribbean only if we went to an all inclusive location, so that I didn’t have to worry about the next meal or snacks. Like you, we found a place that had the kids camps (even though my son only agreed to go once). We took our turns playing with the kids, while the other want scuba diving, and the one time that my son went to the camp, we went diving together. It was one of the better vacations we had in a while for me, since it actually felt like a vacation…not just an extension from home. Now if I could have gotten a night alone with my husband in bed it would have been perfect (but that will come soon enough ) 😉
By the way – that is a great picture Jennie!
Thank you! 🙂
I am contemplating going for a kitchen next time if we can also find a location that includes kids club. The meals stress me out just a little since I’m gluten-intolerant and I am sure I’m ingesting small quantities. Plus I cook better than the mass-produced places. But the kids club is what makes me want to risk all the pre-prepared foods. That is the gem part of the vacation.