Lately I’ve read so many articles regarding the so-called “mommy-wars”. They are all over the news, on magazine articles on blogs and even on TV. Every time I read a new article I’m surprised to find that alongside fulfilling the always challenging role of being a mom the expectations and pressures we put on ourselves to be perfect in everything we do are not only unattainable but exhausting.
When I think of these things, I’m just so glad to be in someway sheltered from it. I live in a completely different world. I live in South East Asia, and I’m not a local, so the expectations put upon me are quite bearable and, in fact, easy to fulfill.
From the day I became a mother and gave birth to my first son in Thailand (where the nurses pampered me with massages and asked me if I would prefer the Thai, Japanese or Western menu!) to the day I came to Jakarta with a big pregnant belly and was rushed thru the express lane in the airport, being a foreign mom in South East Asia has been a fun and eye-opening experience from day one.
Since becoming a mother I have felt nothing but support from other mothers that are in the same situation as I: away from our family and just trying to figure out what’s best for our kids. No judgment, but rather a sense of sisterhood where our daily bread consists of sharing our latest finds and fun anecdotes; including those involving our kids being swept away by a waitress and later returned to us with a chocolate mustache and smile in their face.
We do whatever we can with what is available. I’m not saying Jakarta lacks anything; it’s just sometimes difficult to find the things we are familiar with and trying to figure out ingredients in a foreign language can sometimes turn into an adventure in experimenting with a rice cereal that turned out to have fish as a main flavoring!
In this world, nobody cares if you breastfed your baby or if you started formula from day one. Nobody judges you if you wear your baby, stroll your baby or if you hold your baby with no other support than your bare arms and iron will. No shoes, no problem!
After reading hundreds of pages on parenting techniques and methods I have learned to just go with my gut feeling, learn from the culture that surrounds me and always remember where I come from and what matters to us as a family. In this world, moms support each other and pass on those beloved Eric Carle books as if they were worth their weight in gold. In this world, we don’t hesitate anymore when someone wants to take a picture of our kids with their cellphone camera. In this world, anything goes.
Where do you live, and has your country of residence influenced your mothering style?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Ana Gaby from Indonesia. She can be found writing at Stumble Abroad.
Photo credit to the author.
Ana, this was such a fun post to read. I am glad ‘anything goes’ where you live. If only the whole world adapted this attitude, the mommas of the world would be greatly relieved in many ways.
In India, there is such a huge list, that I dont even want to start. But nowadays, the situation is improving greatly.
Moreover where I live in a suburban locality, things are much simpler and calmer. Nobody questions anybody or judges or criticizes. It is my own free will and fun time in parenting! Ha!
Hi Purnima. Thanks for your comments. I’m sure things will probably be different when we move elsewhere, but for the time being I’m just enjoying mothering my little ones in this great city. I would love to learn more about the expectations put on Indian mothers. Free will rocks!
Jakarta sounds like a wonderful place for you Ana! NYC is the center of the “mommy wars”, and I am of the opinion to live and let live. All of us have our own reasons and instinct for doing what we do when we do how we do. If someone has a negative opinion of me because of a choice that I made I don’t care and don’t let it effect me. 🙂
Yeah! It all sounds so foreign to me. I read about it frequently and I’m appalled to see how something that should unite women is in fact tearing them apart. I’m glad you don’t allow it to affect you. And yeah, Jakarta is fun but I will be glad to move on to a new adventure soon! =)
It sounds like Singapore is quite like Indonesia, at least I didn’t feel like there’s a ‘mommy war’ going on here. If there’s any, then it might be the older generation versus the younger folks, as the former try to impose upon the latter some traditions, such as what should or should not be eaten during pregnancy, to what the mom can or cannot do during the first month (confinement), to when a baby should have his/her first haircut etc. But overall, I think we have quite a lot of freedom in how we parent our kids 🙂
Are you moving to another city soon? I’m really quite envious! I think it’s great to experience living in different parts of the world!
In that regard it is very similar to Mexico. Older generations have many opinions on what things should or shouldn’t be done and how they should be done. I feel very blessed to have this lifestyle while the boys are still young and I have the freedom to figure out things by myself. We will be moving next year for sure. We don’t know where to just yet. 😉
I love what you say here, Ana, “After reading hundreds of pages on parenting techniques and methods I have learned to just go with my gut feeling, learn from the culture that surrounds me and always remember where I come from and what matters to us as a family.”
Great post — I love hearing about your adventures in parenting in Indonesia!
And yes, my family is totally influenced by our culture, here, in the US, and we also find ways to bring in other cultures, such as taking my daughter to Chinese school and teaching her French and introducing her to stories from other cultures. As parents, my husband and I realized that it was our responsibility to bring the culture to our kids. We do it where we can fit it in!
Jen 🙂
HI Jen, thanks for your comments. We are very blessed that the boys are exposed to so many cultures and customs even within our same home. You are an amazing mom and are doing an incredible job by exposing them to so many learning experiences and environments.
So true, Ana…here anything goes really.
There’s really no formula vs breastfeeding wars, even when I’ve heard from a friend who just had a baby that her hospital banned any formula. It’s not a big deal really.
Love your perspective, Ana.
Thanks Maureen. I didn’t realize that they banned formula from the hospital! I think it’s a great idea if it is a mom and baby friendly hospital. SO many formula companies take advantage of new moms by offering free formula from day one in the hospital. Anyway, completely different subject. But yeah, Indonesia is perfect for us for this time and I’m just going with the flow and learning as I go. =)
I’m an Italian living in South Africa and I wish I’d learnt to “trust my gut” earlier in my parenting! Unfortunately, I was living with my grandparents when my son was born (via Emergency C-section) and nothing went according to what I’d studied (Child Psychology and Early Childhood Development)! My son had colic and projectile vomited for the first 2 years of his life and I battled Postpartum Depression! The “mommy wars” were simply the last straw which made me feel like the worst mom on the planet! 🙁
Luckily, I managed to have a much better experience when my daughter was born. I was left to my own devices and had the “luxury” of doing what felt right for my and my baby! What a difference that made! My daughter is 17 years old now and we still have a wonderful, close relationship. Trust your instincts mamas …. it works best!! 🙂
Mamma Simona, I can’t imagine what it was like to go thru so many changes at the same time and even worse having to deal with mommies trying to tell you what you were doing wrong instead of being supportive. Every time I read about the amazing relationship you have with your teenagers I am so encouraged and motivated to nurture my realtionship with the boys!
Love your refreshing and positive perspective, Ana! I agree with you and have found the mama sisterhood here to be an invaluable part of our Jakarta experience. Great post.
Thanks Shaula! It’s hard enough raising the kids away from our families! I have found some truly good friends here in Jakarta and my journey into motherhood has been so enriched by their presence. By the way, let’s try to get together soon!