When we moved to Nigeria, my children were three and 15 months. My eyes were quickly opened to a world I had only read about in books. I grew up in a regular middle class family, and I don’t remember lacking for anything I ever needed.
The utter desperation and poverty I saw every day in Lagos through the windows in my air conditioned car was many times overwhelming. There were several times I had to wipe tears away. I realized how sheltered I had been from a life so many people on this planet face every day.
During those three years we were there, we took many trips to the beach and gave food and toys we didn’t need any more to the children in the village there. My son decided to donate one of his soccer balls to a group of children who played soccer in the street barefoot near the church we attended each week.
My husband and I were so proud of him and his response was, “Well, I saw they were playing with a ball that had no air and I have more than one, so I can share.” Even my daughter saw the need there when she was just two, and she left some beach toys with the children we saw on our beach trips.
Moving back to the U.S. has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing comes from the constant power supply and the access to wonderful medical care and safer surroundings and of course, being closer to my family and friends. But, the curse I did not realize until being back here for a while is how much can be taken for granted; especially through my children’s eyes. When we were in Lagos, we didn’t have regular access to toy stores and regular T.V. commercials, so in a way, my children were also sheltered from the “instant gratification” you see on so many television commercials. Since we have moved back, my seven year old has asked me for numerous Lego sets, an electric scooter (which was quickly voted down by his father and me), various junk foods, and the list goes on and on. I realize that some of these requests come with the age, but I also know that my job is to teach my children what they really need and how hard people must work to meet their needs.
We started a work chart in August right after we moved back and they each have a few chores (making his/her bed and sweeping/clearing the table each night) to complete each day throughout the week. They earn twenty-five cents for making his/her bed and ten cents for sweeping or clearing the table each day. My then four year old even had to participate and mark off her job done on the chart. If it wasn’t marked, then they were not paid at the end of the week for their work.
They each have piggy banks where they need to keep their money. My son is excited to save up his own money for those Lego sets he is always asking about. In December, there was a collection for a local shelter and both my children donated money from their own piggy banks. I had explained to them that there were people here who did not have much money to buy food and immediately my daughter said, “I remember a lot of people like that in Nigeria.” And my son said, “I remember that too…it was so sad.”
It is so easy to go overboard at Christmas time buying gifts for my children. My husband has “reined me in” and we came to a compromise of three gifts from us for each child. The idea of three came to me in an article I had read somewhere about three gifts representing the gifts from the Three Kings for Jesus. After all, my children have so many possessions and overbuying for them just wasn’t going to help them appreciate all the things they already have.
Both of my children know there is a corner in our laundry room for donating clothes which do not fit anymore. My daughter will put her own clothes there and let me know when she thinks it’s time to let someone else “who doesn’t have clothes” have them.
I am grateful for our time in Lagos which taught my children empathy and compassion for others. They are already further ahead of me than I was at their age. But, I do worry that those memories will become more and more distant for them as they get older. My hope is that they will learn the difference between what they truly need and what is a passing fad. I want them to understand the value of money and how hard people must work for it. I want them to go from “I want it!” to “Do I really need it?” Ultimately, the lesson I want them to understand is what matters most is compassion and understanding for others, the value of money, and the power of helping others.
How do you teach your children the value of money, charity and the difference between needs and wants?
This is an original post by Meredith. You can check out her adventures in Nigeria and her transition back to living in the U.S. on her blog http://www.wefoundhappiness.blogspot.com/.
Photo credit to the author.
Thank you for this. Every night before dinner we say what we are thankful for. I’m not sure if this drives home the point or not, but I like to say things like “that we have electricity, because remember your friends in the village? They aren’t as fortunate….” etc… But we are about to leave for our annual trip home and I”m a bit worried about materialism overload. As much as I want my son to enjoy his time there, I don’t want him to forget how fortunate he is relative to MOST kids in the world.
I guess I’m really lucky to live in South Africa … the “First World” of the “Third World” is how we often refer to it! We have many of the things you have in the U.S., but we also have many African refugees as well as some of the problems which plague the rest of this continent.
It was easy for me to teach my kids “need” vs “want” from a very early age … mainly because there were times when money was REALLY tight! There’s a saying that children learn from what you DO and not what you SAY, so (as long as you keep giving the right example) they’ll never forget the lesson!
My daughter is 17 years old, she’s an Honor Student, volunteers for Soup Kitchens etc and has a part-time job for her “wants”. 🙂 Even so, she’s very careful with her money. My 20 year old son is working full-time and seldom treats himself to “wants” preferring to save for “a rainy day”.
All my husband and I did was “plant the seed” when they were small and consistently showed them that although we’d never deprive them of anything they needed, a lot of what they wanted just wasn’t going to happen! Then again, we never spent frivolously on ourselves either!
i think you’re doing a really great job, Meredith! I think having these conversations with them is the first step and reminding them of the children in Lagos. Their experience there was so valuable!
Yes, I keep this on my mind a lot. We do gift buying for different local charities, and my daughter helped me create bags for children who were displaced by Hurricane Sandy in NJ this past fall. I think getting them involved is key!
Great post, Meredith!
Jen 🙂
What an incredible gift for your family to have had that experience, I’m sure it will stay with your children for their whole lives in some way. How could such a different glimpse of the world not shape them in some way? It sounds like you are the type of mother to make sure the important lessons are remembered.
I like the idea of three gifts each and where it comes from. We’ve nixed all Christmas gifts (though we do stockings), cook for a soup kitchen or do some other service work (usually), and simply go wild on the feasting and festivities. Oh, and birthdays—that’s when we celebrate us.
Thank you to all of you for your replies!:) you are so right, children do learn by example and that is one thing i always need to remember… They are watching everything we do as moms.:)
I really enjoyed reading your post Meredith. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job teaching your children empathy and compassion.
What I am finding with my kids is that they are taking everything in…one day when I least expect it, they surprise by telling me or reminding me about a discussion we previously had…all when I thought they weren’t even listening.
You are leading by example, can’t think of anything better. Keep up the good work!
Great post Meredith! It’s so hard to “reign in” but I do something similar to you for the holidays. We celebrate Hanukah and Christmas so they can easily get overloaded with gifts. I make sure that they have 1 gift for each night if Hanukah but tend to keep them small, books, new pajamas, coloring books, dvd, cd, etc and get them 1 “big” gift (something that they want). Also, if a family member or friend has a gift for them, they don’t get anything from me that night. For Christmas, I get them one or 2 small things, since they get inundated by gifts from family and friends. As for charity work, I lead by example. I clean out the closets and explain why and where the clothes are going. I haven’t done a huge toy purge mainly because of the age difference. Now that the little one is too big for the baby toys I will be doing one. I think this will be a hard one for them, but they will understand when it is all explained.
Sounds like you are doing a great job! This post really resonated with me. When we were living in East Timor, there was very little to buy. This made things tricky (for me) sometimes, but it also meant that my kids didn’t expect too much since it just wasn’t possible. Jakarta, on the other hand, is a consumer mecca — and I’ve dealt with more than a few meltdowns over my refusal to succumb to toy store pleading. It’s better now, but a bigger issue for me is how I can best encourage my kids to connect and share with less fortunate communities in a meaningful way. It’s something that’s really important to me and admire the lessons you are teaching by example.