Earlier today my son had a minor dramatic episode at home. It was time to cut his finger nails, and when we got to the pinkie finger of the first hand, he started whining that he was getting hurt. I was in a bit of a bad mood, and I would not have any of it.
Now, I’m sure this goes for all moms – I really do take extra care when cutting my kid’s nails. For one, cutting someone else’s nails really freak me out. Plus my mom used cut our nails as short as she possibly could when we were small, and so we’d go through maybe a day or two with tender finger tips. Because of that, I don’t really trim my son’s nails all the way down.
Going back to this morning’s whining. I took his hand, put it near my face, and then pointed out that the nail was still pretty long, I wasn’t pressing down on his finger, he wasn’t bleeding and there wasn’t even a scratch. I asked if it really hurt that much and he said that hurt just a little. I then asked him why he reacted as if his finger was coming off, when really it wasn’t so bad.
He just sat there and stared at me. After a few minutes, I asked if he understood what I was asking and he said that he did. “So how come you aren’t answering me,” I asked. He said that he wasn’t sure what to say. So, I finished cutting his nails and asked him to stay away from me for a bit. Like I said, I was in a bit of a bad mood.
He crawled over to his bed, lay down on his tummy and stuck his head under his pillow. Of course, I immediately felt guilty for getting irritated at him and for telling him to go away.
After a few minutes, I noticed that he had started crawling towards the foot of his bead, headed toward our bed. I called him over, gave him a hug and asked if he understood why I got mad at him. He said that he did. Then he pulled away, sat across from me and started on this monologue.
“Let me tell you mommy, this morning when I woke up, I went to the room of lola (grandma), then I asked if I could watch TV. She said no because she was watching a show about the elections. And then I asked if she wanted to play with me. She said we can play later when she comes home from voting. Then now you got mad at me while cutting my nails. I don’t know, I can’t explain it!”
“Are you having a bad morning,” I asked. He said yes.
I told him that I was having a bad morning too.
Then, in hopes of teaching him an important life lesson, I told him that bad mornings happen. Sometimes you even have bad days, or bad months. The trick is to remember that it’s not all bad.
I used this morning as an example. Sure, he didn’t get to watch TV or play with his grandma, and yes I did get mad at him. But in the middle of all of that he got to eat his favourite breakfast and watch a Superman cartoon with his dad. I asked him if those weren’t fun moments, and he said that they were.
I told him that I wish I could just continue to treat him like a baby, but we both agree that he’s a big boy already, and so we need to start making adjustments. We both need to remember that there will be mornings like the one we just had. I explained that this is how it is when you grow up – you experience more, you feel more, you understand more. Sometimes things won’t always be sugary sweet, but what’s important is that you know how to see the positive in the midst of all the negative things.
I think this little boy might have taught me more this morning than I taught him.
I realized that kids have bad days too. As his mom, his bad day trumps mine and I need to learn to set my issues aside and focus on his first. The words I imparted on him served as my reminder to self as well, to always try to see things positively and not let the bad moments get me down. My optimism is one of my greatest strengths, and just when I thought it was starting to fade away, my 7-year old knocked some sense into me right there.
I was also reminded this morning about how important it is that I’m there for my son for important times like this morning, and I am happy to know that I can be there for him when these moments strike.
So we hugged, and we kissed, and the rest of the day now seems a bit brighter for the both of us. I know that this is just the start of many serious discussions to come and life lessons for me to impart. I only hope that my optimism really does rub off on this guy.
To the moms with bigger kids, what are the important life lessons that you’ve shared with them over the years? For those with smaller kids, what are the things you hope to teach your children as they grow up?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mrs. P Cuyugan of the Philippines.
The photograph used in this post is credited to the author.
I love this post – it’s so easy (especially with little ones) to forget that they have bad days too. The other day my daughter was pretty miserable all afternoon and I assumed she was tired (I tend to blame all little kid moods on that). That night when she went to bed she told me “When the bear had a splinter on Diego (Go Diego Go) he just pulled it out – why didn’t you do that?” She had stepped on a thorn bush and I had a really hard time digging a few splinters out of her foot after lunch – she’d been upset about the way I’d handled it all day. If I’d taken the time to find that out we could have talked about it earlier.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. I sometimes feel like whacking myself on the head when that moment of realization hits, and I begin to understand what my kid is really going through. You’re right, it’s easy to forget sometimes that they go through bad moods too. Guess they know and feel more than we actually think they do.
My kids are already 20 and 17 years old respectively. The best thing I ever did was to have similar talks to the one you described in your post!
My experience has been that, if you start to talk honestly about feelings, expectations etc with your children when they’re small, they’ll keep sharing with you when they’re older too!
My children know that we ALL have bad days sometimes and sometimes we might say or do something we regret, but it’s ok cos nobody is perfect! I have made it a point to apologise to them if I know I’ve been unfair or “snippy” because of my own bad mood. They also know (because I never stop telling them) that, no matter what, there’s nothing they could ever do that would make my husband and I stop loving them. This doesn’t mean that we won’t get angry or disappointed, though!
I think that (because they’re secure in our unconditional love) they’re more likely to tell us when they’ve messed up than other teens or young adults. So far (touch wood!!) they haven’t done anything that wasn’t easily remedied! 🙂 I’m very proud of my kids and the easy, open relationship we have.
Hiya Simona! I always look forward to your comments on my posts because you give such great advice. Like I said, you’re a jedi mama through and through. I like what you said about apologizing to the kids when they are affected by your bad moods. I think that’s something I ought to make sure I do as well. 🙂
Awww…how cute, Mrs. C.!
This point you made hit home for me, “I explained that this is how it is when you grow up – you experience more, you feel more, you understand more. ” Isn’t that the truth!
I think when things start going in the wrong direction, I just take a break. We sit together and we try to talk it out. It sounds exactly what you did. Sometimes, it’s a good way for us to get out of the moment and into what is really troubling them.
Loved reading this from the Philippines!!
Jen 🙂
Thank you for your comment, Jen! 🙂 I’m slowly but surely learning to steer us out of intense “moments”, and then taking the time to cool off and talk things through afterwards. And that doesn’t just go for my moments with my kid, but also moments with MrC. It’s tough, but it’s definitely worth it.
I’ve got quite a little drama mama at home. So when she has a bad day, she makes it known and whines about it. I used to snap at her when she does it but you’ve reminded me that we can hurt their feelings when we belittle their feelings. Although she’s young, I try to help her talk through her feelings and show empathy so that she will learn how to better manage her emotions especially frustrations, which happens to a lot of three year olds.
Oh I remember all the drama I went through with my little boy when he was three. Although back then it was mostly whining, and I’m guilty of snapping at him a lot when that would happen. I’m glad that he now knows how to express himself better, and so I can understand him more.
Great post Mrs. C. I love how both you and your son used it as an opportunity to talk, learn from each other, and look at the bright side of things. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your comment, Eva! This whole learning to talk thing is new for us, and I’m glad we started doing it. I hope he continues to talk to me as he grows up, and I want to make sure I remind him all the time that I’ll always be here for him.