I was watching my daughter play with a bubble machine today. She and I were laughing as she was running through the bubbles, and we were both looking at the bubbles floating up to the sky trying to see different images. I looked over at her as she watched the bubbles drift away and she had the biggest, sweetest smile on her face. I wondered in my mind if she would remember this extra special ordinary day because I knew I was making an imprint of it in my own mind…these special moments with just the two of us in the middle of the day in the middle of a week are starting to slip through my fingers…
Spring time is always a time of anticipation. There is the anticipation of the beautiful blooms of all the flowers. Many are anticipating graduation at this time of year. And, many children here in the U.S. are anticipating the last day of school for the summer. I am so happy my first grade son will be moving on to second grade with confidence, and my daughter finished pre-school and will start Kindergarten in the fall.
As I am typing this, it almost takes my breath away. My youngest child is going to Kindergarten next year…all day…each day. I will so miss her little drawings she brings me of the two of us during the middle of the day when she is home with me.
I have written before about my struggle to actually become a mother, and seven years ago, my beautiful son was placed in our arms forever in Guatemala. Two and a half years later, we had the surprise of our life when I gave birth to my daughter. I was finally the mother I had always wanted to be. I quit teaching and became a full time stay at home mom and I have not ever looked back with regret about my decision. (And, I also remember each day how fortunate I have been to have been able to have that choice.) I had waited so long to have these children and I knew my place would be with them.
These seven years of mothering have gone by so fast. At times, it does feel as if some days are dragging on longer than others. But, I have thoroughly enjoyed my children as babies and now as the young children they are. I have recorded first steps and first words and kept locks from first haircuts. I have an overflowing box of “firsts” from school from both of my children. I have both of their small hand prints displayed in my bedroom to remind me of how very small they once were.
But, I am finding myself at the end of a chapter in my life. I can no longer identify myself as a mom who is at home with a young pre-school age child in the fall. It seemed that ending the chapter of working as a teacher and beginning the new one as a brand new mom flowed so seamlessly. I feel like I am having a “writer’s block” on how to begin this new chapter of my life. I know I am not the first mom to go through this transition, but I am feeling confused and not sure what the “opening pages” in this next chapter in my life will start with.
Some may think that I “put too much” into being a stay at home mom and am now going through a type of identity crisis. I don’t see it that way. I have kept my teaching credentials up and could go back to working outside the home when I want to. It isn’t that I can’t identify myself anymore; I know I am still a mom, but my role is changing, and I don’t know that I realized how fast these early years really pass. I just don’t feel like I am ready to quite “let go” of those years.
I have been given glimpses of how this next chapter will be written through my son no longer telling me he loves me once the door to the car is open and other children are around and can possibly hear him. I see it through my daughter when she no longer needs me to brush her hair because she can “do it herself!”
This next chapter in my life will be quite different than the last seven years for many reasons but one I can see I particular. I had a friend who told me that the goal of parenting is to teach your children to be independent. I can see more independence blossoming in my children each day, and as that happens I feel a bit of joy and also a tinge of sadness that I believe only a mother’s heart can truly understand. All I truly want for my children is to grow to be happy, loving, healthy and independent people. But, in becoming those remarkable people they are meant to be, they will be taking small steps away from a life I had grown so accustomed to over these last years.
And so, I will take a cue from my children and move forward along with them and help them in the new ways they will need me as a mother. I may not need to be there to change a diaper or spoon feed them anymore, but I know they will need me in other ways as they grow. Who knows? They just may need me to wipe tears away because of a broken heart or be there to help find that perfect dress for a school dance or just tell them that they are so very special because I love them.
Is there anything which you have emotionally struggled with to let go of as a mother? If so, what was it – and how did you let it go?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Meredith. You can check out her experiences living in Nigeria as an expat and her move back to Houston, Texas on her blog We Found “Happiness”.
Photo credit to the author.
Meredith, I have heard it said and have repeated this so many times:
“Parenting is long days and short years!”
It’s so great that you have had the time you wanted to have at home with your children and, whichever way your life pans out over the next 7 years, no-one will be able to take that time away from you or them.
Oh, Meredith I SO relate!
Like Karyn said; “Parenting is long days and short years” … and it doesn’t slow down!!
I struggled with every milestone of my daughter’s, because I knew she was my “last baby”…. and she was in a hurry for everything! She even decided to come into the world 3 weeks earlier than she should have! My gynae told me that in all his years in obstetrics, I was the ONLY woman EVER to complain that the pregnancy was going by too fast!
My son turned 20 in January this year and my daughter is 17. I have a child that’s no longer a teen … how did THAT happen?! I certainly don’t feel old enough to have a “young adult” as a son!! Strangely enough I have more trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he’s 20 than the fact that I’m 44!
Every single chapter of parenting has its pros and cons, and no chapter is better or worse than any other. I, too, feel blessed to have been a SAHM for at least some of the time. I’m super proud of the young people my children have become!
Thank you so much for your comments. I know I am not alone in these feelings but sometimes it just feels so isolating. I am glad to know there are moms out there who understand!:) I love the quote, ” Parenting is long days and short years!” How true that is!:)
Hi Meredith, what a beautifully written post! My girl is going to school in September, but then she was going to day care every day for halfdays. Good for you to have enjoyed your children as babies. I didn’t because I was thinking babies were cute and boring. I think the more the time passes, the more I enjoy having children becasue we can do fun stuff together, like having discussions, baking, cooking. But I think I can still relate to your situation since I am shocked that she’s going to school and she’s only four! And she’ll have to take a bus to get there! It definitely feels like some kind of transition and a big change, also change of schedule for me and us… I think the wait is worse than when it is finally happening and then you sort of lean into it and see what works out and what doesn’t. Good luck!
I’m tearing up reading this. Such a sweet post! I understand, and I love that you point out it isn’t that you are lost from being at home. It’s that you cherish this time and are preparing for the next phase of life. I’m a few steps behind your timeline, but this day will soon come for me too, and I’ll remember this post.
I hear you and feel for you. Years that seemed to stretch out ahead are suddenly over and it feels like you’ve lost something but not, almost guiltily (sp) wanting to keep the baby years.
I have one precious little girl,who is turning 9 next week and I waited a very very long time for her. I cannot believe how fast time has flown by and have the same feelings you do.
Good luck and hang in there they only get better.
xx
This is beautiful, Meredith!
In the fall I will have one in school full-time and one starting preschool. I am looking forward to the me time and more time to work on World Moms Blog. I have been championing their independence since they both grew out of their infant clothes and into 3 mos. clothes and beyond! I don’t know how I will feel when the day comes when they’re both in school full time. I think the key is to keep busy! (Come work on something fun at WMB! We can always use more ideas!!)
Love your writing!!
Jen 🙂