I looked around at their smiling faces as I nervously fiddled with my unkempt hair.
When was the last time I took a shower? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate, either.
I wasn’t hungry.
“Oh, Carri!” My grandma was holding him, his tiny hand wrapped around her finger. “He’s beautiful and he’s such a healthy boy!”
I studied him from across the room as he was shuffled from person to person. His perfectly round head. His teeny toes. Those skinny chicken legs.
Blake: The newest member of our family.
They were excited to meet him. To hold him. To stroke his soft skin and take in his new scent.
I wanted them to leave.
My parents. My brother. My aunt and uncle. My grandma. They had to leave.
The walls were closing in.
My thoughts. The thoughts were racing. He was going to be hungry soon. He would need a diaper change. He would spit up and need another change of clothes.
The house was dirty.
I had to do laundry.
I needed to try and sleep.
But I couldn’t sleep. The thoughts wouldn’t stop long enough.
The walls were closing in.
They were squeezing the life out of me like a vice. Making me sweat. Making me second guess myself.
Making me crazy.
And as my family relished my tiny miracle, I was crumbling inside. Panicking. Becoming more and more restless.
Until finally, I left the room to release the anxiety.
“Where is she going?” they asked.
I had to be alone.
Because the walls were closing in.
And PPD continued it’s debilitating hold until I’d finally had enough.
I wanted to enjoy my newborn. I wanted to take in his smell, stroke his hair, and kiss his soft skin.
I wanted to be happy.
(Did you have positive postpartum experiences or did you suffer from PPD?)
This is a first-time, original post from our new US blogger in California and now happy mom of one, Carri Brown.
Carri is an early 30-something wife of a hot rodder and mom to a wild toddler. When she’s not satisfying her unnatural love for Twitter, she can be found blogging about her (sometimes) exaggerated and (usually) sarcastic views on parenting, vodka and life in general at Mommy’s Little Monster Blake.
The photographs used in this post are attributed to sydney g and to the author.
Unsure how to comment on this article – but I actually thought it was beautiful and moving. I don’t think I suffered from depression but I must admit that I did not enjoy those first few months, it was really exhausting and all I wanted to do was sleep – and at the same time feeling guilty that I didn’t keep the place tidy…
I’m sure having an infant is no easy task without depression. But with it? It’s debilitating.
A vivid and frightening description of PPD, Carri. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but I’m so glad you came out the other side.
I’m glad I did, too. Thank you for your support! xo
Oh Carrie, I recognize them…your words gave me flashbacks, but on my case I was alone – with the ex husband. My family couldn’t come to the States. I felt trapped. My ex ‘paid’ for my PPD but I didn’t get diagnosed. It took a marriage counselor 3 years later to tell me that there was a name for this ‘demon’ and it’s called PPD it wasn’t just me being unhappy all the time. Thank you for this post!
That’s terrible! I’m sorry you had to go through that. I have a history of anxiety and depression so I was well aware before I got pregnant. If I didn’t have that history, I probably would have gone years without treatment.
I think we are lucky these days that being able to talk about PPD a lot more openly than a few decades ago.
I am so glad you got the help and you wrote beautifully.
Thank you. Yes, we are lucky. I couldn’t imagine going through this without support.
I remember sitting in my bed – days after the birth of my twins – and crying and crying and crying. I picked up the phone to call a friend and all I kept saying was … “they need me, but I am not sure I can help them!” I zoned for weeks and weeks and weeks – Although I had help, I just couldn’t figure out what I was truly feeling. Sleep deprivation played a huge part – but I was just so overwhelmed.
Looking back, I am sure PPD played a role – At the time, it felt suffocating.
Thank you for sharing with us – It was very courageous.
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s so rough. I couldn’t imagine having two and feeling the way I did. I, too, zoned for a long time. Even though Blake was about 4 weeks when I first received treatment, it was about a year to a year and a half before I fully bonded with him.
Thank you for sharing this – I think i did feel this as well and maybe even more with the second one. It’s all so intimidating for awhile at first with all the people and their suggestions and smothering..makes me antsy just thinking about it!
Me, too. It’s hard to put myself back into that place so I can write about it, but I’ve got to do it. It helps me heal and I’m really hoping it will prompt those who need the help to get it.
You describe this so perfectly..it was hard for me to read this.
Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome. I hope you were able to receive the help you deserve!
Oh, Carri! It breaks my heart that you and so many other mothers have had to go through PPD. You are so brave for sharing your story with us. Thank you so much. And, great writing. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Thanks for having me. 🙂
Carri I too had the exact same frightful , terrifying feelings. I however experienced these feelings in the year YOU were born when i had Tim. At that time PPD was really not talked about or even researched. I had this beautiful baby and he was healthy and i WAS to be happy, that is ALL i was constantly told, AND i wasn’t. I was anything but happy. I was scared to death, sleep deprived, no husband at home, recovering from a C-section, and miserable for MONTHS. I kept asking myself why did i do this? It eventually got better months later. I do not know how i managed to do this two more times again but I did and really felt the same way each time but was a bit more occupied having another child at home already.
Times have changed and i am so glad that there is help out there for anyone who suffers with PPD. We need to push people to seek help though.
Thanks again for a very moving , loving, and tender description of your inner emotions with blake. Your truly a beautiful , loving mom, and i know this first hand. Love you always…
This comment is so beautiful. Thank you for leaving it!
Jen 🙂
It’s beautiful because SHE’S beautiful… inside and out. Even though I didn’t meet her until I was 18 (and she gave me dirty looks because her son brought me home) she is my MOM. 🙂
🙂 I think you were 17….!!!!!
I was completely overwhelmed when it came to my children, but I remember my 7 year old being the worst simply because he had “colic.” It turned out to be a milk protein sensitivity that they didn’t pinpoint until he was 6 months old, so yes… 6 long months of hours of screaming every day. It was horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. With each child after him, the postpartum period was worse. I spent hours being wracked with guilt and feelings of inadequacy because I either couldn’t make them stop crying or because I had to return to work (that was always the hardest part for me).
I don’t normally link my posts in a comment (this will be a first!), but your post really reminded me of this time and I think you may be able to relate to, if not the scenario itself, at least the emotions that ran alongside it.
I hope that things are getting better for you.. motherhood is hard enough without factoring in PPD…
Oh, Carri, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you suffered from PPD. What a horrible experience that must have been. Thank you for sharing your story.
I did! I’m just now talking about it. I’m finding it to be therapeutic!
Beautiful post… I have those feeling sometimes but unassociated with PPD. I think it’s part of being in a close knit social community and having familial obligations! But after the birth of my daughter I did get something I didn’t know how to define. I got panic attacks when it would be time to breast-feed her. I would feel nauseous and would get palpitations and feel like I couldn’t breath. This actually stopped me breast-feeding her solely for more than three weeks then I started supplementing with formula. I know this pales in comparison to what others have been through but it was an eye opener to how it can really take over! It scared me to think I wasn’t going to bond with her but thank God, with the support of my husband, I got over it eventually. I hope everyone going through PPD can have the support and help of friends and family to get them through it.
Breastfeeding was a huge trigger for me, mostly because Blake just didn’t “get it”. It made my toes curl. I saw a lactation nurse three or four times and they always told me that he was doing “just fine”, but it was like… Can you tell me why my poor boobs are raw? That can’t be right!
I was completely overwhelmed after my third child was born. I often felt like this. I’m so glad you reached out and came through on the other side.
After your third? I would think it’d get easier with each child because you sort of know what to expect. More reason for me not to have another!
oh i so remember feelings like this. especially with my first. and my twins. with all my kids, okay, with all my kids. both pregnancies & births have this sort of dark cloud over them as I was so unhappy and so broken for a long time… I had so many problems and issues and rage I didn’t know what to do with or what was wrong. this is a great post. I’m such a fan.
Thank you so much!
Carri, I really appreciate how honest and transparent this is.
Also? Relatable. So, so very relatable.
Good for you for opening the door to this conversation!
This is wonderful, Carrie. It’s the you that you don’t usually share.
I’m trying to expand my horizons a little bit. 🙂
I don’t have any words to say. You post is descriptive…beautiful and terrible at the same time. You have tremendous courage to share yourself so openly and my admiration. I wish I could make it all better for you…
…thanks for opening up.
So glad you have joined this incredible group of women who share their stories here. Stories like yours, places like this .. a lifeline to so many to know that what they are feeling is real, that there is help and there is support. To feel this way and have no one … I cannot imagine.
Beautiful post! I can relate to it so much. My little one is 17 months and I still can’t say I am healed. I have so many mixed feelings in me that sometimes I can’t breath. Right now we’re expecting a second baby and I tell you my depression never was that huge and deep. I cry almost every day and I can’t stop thinking that I won’t be able to do that for the second time. I stopped blogging more than a month ago because I just couldn’t. I am totall wreck of what I used to be and I want it to be over… . I hope everything is getting better for you, though! hugs.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Hang in there, Ewa. If you need to chat or anything, you know where to find me! 🙂
Jen 🙂
Thank you, Jen. My next post here will be about us growing 🙂 Thank you for your offer. I appreciate it!
I know the feeling. I had a terrible first 4 weeks and then “felt better” (but not really) for the next 8 mo before I finally got help. How many precious moments did I miss before I “got it” ? Thanks for writing such a relatable piece.
Thank you for making PPD a universal problem that has treatment options and for taking the stigma out of it for other moms to be.
You”re doing an excellent job of stigma busting.
This post is such an eye opener for those who haven’t suffered from PPD. So relatable and touching. You will reach and touch so many with this.
Beautiful post. My first post for WMB was also about my experience with PPD. It was terrifying, scary and hard. But I survived and went on to have another child without PPD. I found a nice website called Postpartum Progress which is an excellent support group online. Thanks for sharing!
Yep, I relate. What a good description. Love you for sharing about this, Carri.
I didn’t have PPD but I do remember feeling this way at times.
I felt like that all the time for about a year. It sucked.
I remember these feelings well.
I didn’t want anyone to come over for months and I didn’t leave my house for the first four after she was born.
The anxiety I felt was overwhelming and I didn’t know what was wrong.
I wish I had found the support of blogging sooner.
So many wonderful comments are here already. I’m not sure I can add much more than to say I also can relate to these feelings after having my 1st son. It’s like around 9 months I felt like a veil was lifted and I saw through my own eyes again with clear vision. I was thinking…”Well, what just happened there?!” But luckily, I didn’t have any of that when my 2nd son was born. thank you for your honesty!
I’m still not sure if I had PPD or if I just suffered greatly from sleep deprivation – I relate to that need for space and alone time – just to find my own feet and rhythm to the day. (Great writing. 🙂 )