“You’re not coming out of your room until you apologize.”
“You need to say you’re sorry.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
How many times have those lines been used on us or have we used them on our kids?
I think the word sorry has become a habit. We use it too fast and too casually. We do something we shouldn’t have, and we instinctively say “I’m sorry”. We see that we hurt or insulted someone, we say “I’m sorry.” Our kids do things we think are wrong and we make them say “I’m sorry.”
The question is how often do we really think about what we have done? Out of all the times that we say I’m sorry, how many of those times do we really mean it? How many times is sorry just a reflex instead of an action based on thought and contemplation?
In Judaism, this time of the year is a time of reflection. A week and a half ago was Yom Kippur, the Jewish Fast Day of Atonement & Repentance. The High Holidays are a time to reflect on your actions of the past year and ask for forgiveness not only from God but also from people you have wronged. (On a side note, according to Judaism, God only forgives us for wrongs committed against Him. Wrongs committed between people need forgiveness from the person you have wronged before God can forgive you.)
From a young age I was taught the principles of true repentance, and it’s not just asking for forgiveness and saying you’re sorry.
So what is true repentance you ask?
In Hebrew the word for repentance is Teshuva which literally means to return. Teshuva, repentance, has a number of stages.
- The person who has wronged first needs to realize that they have done something wrong. (Duh. I think that part is self-explanatory.)
- The next step is to think about your actions and to feel sincere remorse. This is where I think some of us go awry. We have been conditioned to say I’m sorry and often act automatically when we see we have hurt someone. I know that I have to work hard to remember to think about my actions and internalize what I have done wrong.
- At this point comes trying your best to repair the wrong you have done and to ask for forgiveness from the person you have wronged. Â
What makes repentance complete?
- Having intent and resolving not to repeat that same action in the future.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I do know for myself that if true repentance requires all of the above steps, then there are only a handful of times when I say I am sorry that I truly mean it.
For me, personally, the hardest part is having the honest intention of not repeating the same action in the future. I know that for the most part I do not want to repeat actions that have brought about hurt. At the same time, I can’t honestly hand to heart say that when I apologize to someone that I intend to do everything in my power to prevent my action in the future. It’s too hard.
It’s kind of like exercising and dieting. You can have the best intentions, until you are faced with the choice. Stay in bed, or get dressed and go exercise. Eat the chocolate and have momentary pleasure or pass on the chocolate and lose weight and feel better.
Just because our intentions are good and something is the right choice we still mess up over and over again.
I am not saying that we should do away with manners and not say sorry at all. I am just wondering aloud whether we need to put more thoughts into our actions and our apologies.
Lately I have been feeling that sorry doesn’t mean a heck of a lot.
What do you think? When does sorry really mean something?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day, New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday (Israel)
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
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I think sorry is an overused word for sure. And it is often said with out thinking and without consequence. How do we teach our children to understand what sorry really means? I think it starts with us as mothers – modeling that behavior.
Great post. And a wonderful topic to bring up for discussion!
I am thinking that it is hard word being a model for someone’s behavior. 🙂
I meant hard work lol.
funny to read this. as a general rule, i do not require my children to apologize to others for hitting or aggression, since they usually did mean to do it and are not sorry and i felt it would be inculcating into them a habit of insincerity.
on the other hand, i have been recently following supernanny’s rules of time-out which end with the child apologizing. despite the fact that my son is often not sorry for the infraction, i have been demanding the apology. and i’ve been trying to put my finger on why, since i am actually opposed to him saying sorry to his peers when he is not sorry. but my intuition tells me it is important for him to say it.
Would it not be better to discuss what the child was feeling when he did it and get to the bottom of the why? Did he not want to share? Did he want attention he wasn’t getting? And then discuss how to get what you want in the future.
I think what is important is learning what remorse is, not so much the word sorry.
I agree!! One of my biggest pet peeves. I cringe whenever I hear a parent tell a child to say they are sorry. Saying you are sorry is not a get out of jail free card. I don’t want my kids to just say sorry and move on. So I deal with it differently when they hurt someone. Forcing a child to say something they don’t mean is pointless. Actions definately speak louder than words, so instead of sorry we ask the hurt person what we can do to help them feel better.
But I do think sorry means something if you truly FEEL sorry. So of course we should say it if we mean it. (And what do you know – my kids DO say sorry when they really are sorry. I never once told them to – it’s just something they learned from watching us). Yes, we are going to do some of the same things again, but if, in that moment, you are really sorry and don’t want to do it again, I think it’s legit. Even if you know you may stumble again in the future. It’s the INTENT not to do it again that matters. And I think if you have the second part – the remorse – than that intent comes naturally. Even if we might screw up again.
And screw up again and again. (nnot you, me) 🙂
(and am allowed to say that to you because you are mys sister)
I completely agree with you Susie! In fact this is a conversation that my husband and I have all the time. My husband used to put our son in a time-out and not let him out until he said he was sorry. He would say he was sorry and then go back to misbehaving again. After a few times of observing this, I said that forcing him to say “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it. He needs to feel sorry. So now when he get’s a timeout for misbehaving, he is not forced to apologize, but he might if he sees that I am truly upset by his behavior. In fact I have told him on more than one occasion, that I don’t want him to say it if he doesn’t mean it. Interestingly enough, last weekend for Yom Kippur, he decided that he did not want to go to services because he did not want to have to apologize (incidentally, he did go to services, but he is still working on the apologies… one step at a time – he is only four after all! 🙂 ) Hag Sameach!
That’s a great picture, btw!
Thanks.
I think differences between parents about how to parent the kids is one fo the most challenging things about parenting.
Did your husband agree to back down?
Curious as to where your son learned to make that association about apologizing and Yom Kippur.
My husband understands what I was saying, so we have concentrated with my son on using his words to explain what is going on and what he is feeling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t – he’s only 4 afterall and has a lot more learning to do 🙂
As for where he learned to associate “I’m sorry” with Yom Kippur… that’s simple. I take him to a child program for 3-5 year olds on Saturday mornings at the synagogue. The teacher explained to the kids what it was about and how they should be sorry for not listening to their parents, or misbehaving, he obviously enjoys misbehaving since he doesn’t want to be sorry. 🙂
Through working with children in crisis I learned that making them say sorry will not teach them about the mistake that they made or the effects their behaviour had on the other person.
Sorry has to come from them, on their own terms.
Discussing the behaviour, how it impacts another person, how it can be prevented next time, and making a plan to prevent it next time is a better course of action as well as a suggestion of an appology but never forcing one.
What kind of work do you do with kids? Sounds like really important work.
I think it’s good to tell a child to say they’re sorry because you would expect that if a child was thoroughly mean or rough to your own child, you would expect the parent to teach that that is not okay, and a sorry needs to be said and start again but with a different attitude.
Yes, they might say sorry because they HAVE to, but at least ‘sorry’ is brought to the fore, and considered – rather than just being aggressive and letting it be.
Maybe an acknowledgment that what they did was wrong without forcing an am sorry unless they mean it would be an alternative.
I think the most important part of repentance is the resolve not to do it again. Only then does “sorry” mean something.
Totally agree.
It’s almost like we need another, stronger word for “sorry”. The one that means, we REALLY mean it.
I agree. It’s not just about saying the word. Actually, teaching a child to be and feel sorry is such a challenge.
Thanks for making us think, and giving us a glimpse into your culture, Susie!
Jen 🙂
Thank you Jen. 🙂
This makes me think of times I’m brokering peace between my quarreling boys and the “sorry, “sorry” empty words has us facing the difference between words and sincere intention between two parties we love so much.
Of course it’s even harder when the two parties are our own selves. How often do we even truly imagine that we are sorry, but fear that we are, at core, not good enough. Then we set to beating ourselves up and fail to realize this doesn’t help the one we’ve hurt. This is entrenched guilt which is probably more like shame: the belief that we cannot do better because we are not better.
I’m glad I happened upon your words today and took a moment to hear them. Wether it’s my own wisdom or that of others, more listening, I am sensing, shall help with a Teshuva that might know when to stop turning and thus not become an obsessive dog chasing it’s own tale of woe.
More important, to me, is the sense that some critical mass of world moms (and dads) might be becoming increasingly be becoming connected in compassion. Maybe our rapidly interconnecting world offers, or even IS, some sort of spiritual Tikun?
That is a really good insight. Being able to forgive ourselves. It’s one of the hardest things to do.
I firmly believe that connecting one on one is what is going to bring a tikun, change, to this world. I wrote about it a while ago on this post on my blog: http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/what-the-world-needs-is-for-us-to-get-to-know-each-other-one-at-a-time/
Thanks for commenting.
Susie, great post. Maybe I’m off the track here but I want to bring an example with saying: “Hi. How are you?”, “Hi. How’s your day going?”. I know it’s a cultural thing in America, but in Poland we do not ask that if we aren’t interested in hearing the real answer. When I first came to US this was my biggest problem. People all around me where asking “how am I doing”. When one of my friend explain to me that I shouldn’t start talking about how bad it’s been so far, or how my head it’s hurting, or whatever and I shoud just say “fine thx”… But why?! I do not feel that way. I am not fine, and if that somebody asked me that why should I be lying and why are they asking if they aren’t actually interested in the real answer or in starting a dialogue.
The same is with “I’m sorry”. Many times I had an argument with my husband and after that he would say: “You didn’t even say you are sorry.” I couldn’t understand. Why I had to say I’m sorry when I didn’t feel that way. I had my opinion about something I said it, it hurt him or offended him but it doesn’t mean that I should be saying I am sorry every single time we have an arument. Sometimes our lingual and cultural differences start those argument but it really doesn’t mean that we should be sorry about that. It’s Life. We learn more by having those differences. We should be sorry for having them and expressing them. Sometimes when I am angry I say something or do something what make him angry and after that again, he asks why I won’t say: “I’m sorry”…. because I am not. I intended to do that.
This is one of those cultural differences we need to deal with every day in our house. In Poland we don’t have to say “I’m sorry” if we really don’t feel that way. People get angry, sad and offended but they move on. In Poland if the person that I had an arument with or who offended me won’t say it it’s not a big deal. Now I know that he/she really meant that or that he/she is an ass or that maybe I should think about it more because he/she had a reason to do/say that.
If opposite happens and he/she says: “Hey, I’m really sorry for what I just said/did” I know it comes straight from one’s heart. He/she thought that through and he/she really wants me to know that.
That’s what I want to teach my kids. I do not want to teach them to say empty words just because it’s a custom or because “what others will think about you if you don’t say that”.
So, you post touches not only teaching children but in my case a bicultural relationship wher two sides have different experiences and were taught different about many things.
Thank you!
I often point out to people that in many countries people don’t ask how are you without really wanting you to tell them.
So in Poland-if someone doesn’t care they hurt you they say nothing?
True Story: When Amira was 4 she bit her sister and left a nasty gash. I yelled at her and told her to say “sorry”. She replied, “…what if I’m not sorry?” Hmm, that got me right on the spot.
As they were growing I always reiterated that they (my girls) shouldn’t do anything that will get them into trouble, and I made it clear, saying sorry when it was just empty words was not ok.
Of ocurse, this was great for them, but they never expected that they would still have to pay the consequence, lol.
You said: “For me, personally, the hardest part is having the honest intention of not repeating the same action in the future”.
RIGHT ON! NOw if only there was a formula for that.
This is a great post.
I think in a situation like you described between two siblings (or even between two friends) there is so much more going on. In a case like that saying to the biter, you must be very angry to hurt your sister like that and being quiet and letting her reply would give you a great deal of knowledge as to her feelings and motives.
But I guess it’s the same for any act that “requires” a I’m sorry”.
If you find the formula-please do share.
Having a kid say “I am sorry” every time they mess up (which is bound to be thousands of times) can do some damage to their self-esteem.
Making them repeat this negative affirmation out loud will eventually convince them that they are truly deficient, because sorry is also taken to mean poor, inexcusable, bad, etc., as in “you’re a sorry excuse for a ___.”
If an apology is in order, I prefer “I apologize” or “I wish I hadn’t done that” or “I didn’t mean you any harm.”
Unfortunately the word Sorry is just a knee-jerk reaction to most people anyway. I agree that we need a more thoughtful response! We can teach other ways to our kids for their benefit … but just try for one week to get the word Sorry out of your vocabulary and you might be shocked at its pervasiveness.
Thanks for bringing up this important topic!
The comment about how pervasive sorry is reminds me of the quote “Don’t complain, don’t explain”. How hard it is to also not complain or explain yourself for even a day.
I don’t know if I agree that “I’m sorry” is a negative affirmation. Like all things in life, we are conditioned to certain words by our upbringing. So yes, if the words you’re a sorry excuse was something that a child heard often growing up, they might then make the association between I’m sorry and sorry excuse. I don’t know if that is true for everyone.
I apologize is quite close to I’m sorry if the intent is not there-isn’t it?
Thanks.
I love this article; have you done any work in restorative justice or Positive Behaviour support? Its something that my school has been doing this year and its so great; really gives the kids access to why they are apologising/correcting their behaviour as opposed to just being a “naughty child” etc
I haven’t but will look into it because it sounds interesting.
I do agree that kids need to know what they did wrong. I also think we need to understand better what thoughts/feelings drove the kids to their actions because only then can we help them understand.
I think that true consciousness around hurtful behaviours and words is sorely lacking – and I agree that the word ‘sorry’ is overused. I really like your list of items about true repentence: great post.
Thanks.
And that’s why we have all connected, to change the world consciousness one person at a time starting with ourselves and our kids.