I think that by now everyone knows about the famous (infamous?) article on how French parents are superior.
Of course, as a mother living in France, I was sent this article by about ten different people. At first, I sort of skimmed it and dismissed it since I tend to parent in much the same way as the French supposedly do – authoritative no’s and a complete expectation that I will be obeyed.
My youngest is three and he consistently proves me wrong on this point.
But in preparing to write this post, I really gave the article the attention it deserved. I found that there was some value to what she was saying in that teaching children the importance of patience and waiting (for candy, to speak, to get something they want) is to their long-term benefit as much as it is to every mother’s sanity.
But few hear the author’s message because of her choice of the word “superior.”
Sure, in some areas French mothers are forced to step up in ways that are not required in some other cultures, notably in the area of homework. Children are given extensive homework—memorizing poetry, spelling words or reading passages—all of which require the parent’s involvement to listen and correct or to quiz. Unless they go to “Study” after school because their parents work, mothers everywhere in France are given the extra role of “home professor.” The teachers make it clear in no uncertain terms that the parent’s participation is expected.
Sure the French culture does exert influence more strongly on mothers to forbid their children to eat outside of meals or the 4:00 snack, but even most mothers will make an exception to that rule if home-baked cookies are served while playing at a friend’s house. And almost every French mother will set out an astonishing display of marshmallows and sweets at a birthday party that would make even a French dentist cringe.
But something that I do find to be unique to France is seeing mothers examining the school lunch menu every day with their children and discussing what they ate that day. This is not universal, but I see it much more here than I ever would have in the States. French parents include the art of eating well-balanced meals in the education of their children.
Of course when your public school lunch menu (for example, today’s) starts with an appetizer of tomato and cucumbers, followed by fish with tarragon sauce and a broccoli-potato purée and is then topped off with a soft white cheese and chestnut purée for dessert, I would say that there is definitely something in there worth discussing.
But the claim that the French possess superior parenting skills …?
The truth is, French mothers are superior in that they encourage their children’s development through sport teams or music classes at the conservatoire. They want their children to be well-balanced and cultured.
Or they don’t. They just let their child play video games for a rather extended amount of time before going to bed (and raise the most sweet well-mannered, easy-going children).
French mothers are superior in that they dress their children in adorable European outfits with little brown boots and ribbed tights and corduroy skirts with felt flowers.
Or they don’t. They throw jeans and sneakers in their cart at the supermarket knowing that the clothes will just get ruined by a six-year old boy in a matter of weeks, whether bought cheaply or expensively. So what’s the point?
French mothers are superior in that they keep their children in line with authoritative education, saying no firmly or decisively.
Or they don’t. They give in to whatever their child wants, trusting in time and maturity to educate them where firm discipline is lacking.
In reality French mothers are just like mothers everywhere. They just don’t pack their kid’s lunch.
What’s your opinion? Do you think mothers where you live are superior or inferior? What strengths are they known for and what do you think are some of their shortcomings?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in Paris, France, Lady Jennie. You can also find her blogging at A Lady in France.
The photo used in this post is credited to Jenny Downing. It has a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
The word ‘superior’ makes me cringe. It’s very judgmental to say that one mothering style/ culture is ‘better’ than another. So I agree with you – French mothers are just mothers. Like all of us. No better, no worse. We try to do what is best for our children. We try to be flexible. And we hope for the best.
The word ‘superior’ makes me cringe. It’s very judgmental to say that one mothering style/ culture is ‘better’ than another. So I agree with you – French mothers are just mothers. Like all of us. No better, no worse. We try to do what is best for our children. We try to be flexible. And we hope for the best.
I haven’t read the article – but it does seem to be doing the rounds!
I would love to go to a French school – for the food! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your perspective: it makes sense.
I haven’t read the article – but it does seem to be doing the rounds!
I would love to go to a French school – for the food! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your perspective: it makes sense.
I agree with Alison and Karyn, especially the part about the food!
In the US, I feel, we all parent so different. We’re all trying to do what’s best. I think that’s part of being human!
Thank you for reporting on this story “from the field” in Paris!
Jen 🙂
I agree with Alison and Karyn, especially the part about the food!
In the US, I feel, we all parent so different. We’re all trying to do what’s best. I think that’s part of being human!
Thank you for reporting on this story “from the field” in Paris!
Jen 🙂
yet to be mother,enjoyed reading this.really learn a lot
yet to be mother,enjoyed reading this.really learn a lot
I totally agree that (in the absence of mental illness or abuse) parents do what they feel is best for their children, even if it goes against “the norm”. In South Africa we don’t have “school lunches” per se. Most children go to school with a packed lunch and then there’s a “tuck shop” on the school grounds which normally sells “junk food”. That menu sounds worthy of a top restaurant! 🙂
Cape Town is a total “melting pot” of nationalities and parenting styles ranging from the “just strap your baby on your back & get on with the house work” to mothers who leave the “messy” part of raising a baby to the live-in nanny and only “visit” the child in the nursery a couple of times a day! Most of us fit somewhere in the middle! 🙂
In the absence of mental illness? What do you mean by that? I have bipolar disorder and I do what is best for my child…just exactly like you.
Just because I have a mental illness, I’m no different just like the french aren’t any different just like South African’s aren’t any different just like a Mom with cancer is any different.
So I’m just wondering what you meant by “in the absence of mental illness”…
Hi Kimberly,
I just saw your feed on twitter, so I came over to read the comments. Thank you for pointing that out. This is a great opportunity to raise awareness for mental illness, so let’s take it. Mamma Simona is in South Africa, so perhaps tomorrow she can join in, too. Together, we can all make the world a better place!
Also, here’s another recent post on World Moms Blog from last week on PPD that you may be interested in reading, too: http://worldmomsblog.com/2012/03/16/north-carolina-usa-a-journey-through-post-partum-depression/
Jen 🙂
I suffer from chronic depression and have been on medication for years, and what I read into the above comment is “untreated” mental illness. Unfortunately I know people who refuse to face up to having a mental illness and it really affects their children.
Big hugs my friend. 🙂
Thanks, Lady Jennie, I had my first serious “Depressive Episode” when I was 18 years old and have been “through hell and back” before finally finding the right combination of medicines for me. Two years ago I spent 4 weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital and my family and I had both individual and family counselling. My 15 year old daughter told me recently that the best thing I ever did for the family was to go to the hospital so they had a chance to better understand what I was going through. Obviously, given my OWN history with Depression, I was REALLY just thinking about people like my father who are “criminally insane” and not people who are doing the best they can with the cards they have been dealt! My best wishes to all.
Dear Kimberly, I’m REALLY sorry … I wasn’t thinking of people like us …. I had to be hospitalised due to Clinical Depression and I have a dear friend (who is living with Bipolar Disorder) who is one of the most terrific mothers I know! I shouldn’t have written that!! I was specifically thinking about my own father actually, who (presumably due to his mental disorder) was unable to care about anyone but himself and behaved completely irrationally. We eventually had to cut off all ties with him after he threatened to kill us all with his handgun!
Again, I’m super sorry if I upset you – that was most definitely NOT my intention, I was specifically thinking about my personal experience and HONESTLY (at least in my own mind) it didn’t occur to me that Bipolar Disorder and Depression are also considered “mental illness”.
If you’d like to contact me directly, my email address is srinfreschi@gmail.com.
Hi Mamma,
Thank you so much for clarifying and apologizing. Please understand that I am doing my part to try and destigmatize mental illnesses. I feel that it is my responisbility to say something when a comment is made that further segreates people with mental illness from society.
I am truly sorry that you had to experience that as a child. I can’t even imagine what you have gone through. Can’t. I had no idea what your background was like before I responded.
I guess that I could have used this as an opportunity to educate, but I let my anger get away with my words. I’m sorry as well.
I’m sorry as well and again thank you for clarifying this for me.
All the best,
Kimberly
Thanks, Kimberly. I totally agree that mental illness needs to be destigmatised. Maybe this happened so that we would connect and realise that we have more in common than might appear at first glance! 🙂
I’m happy to help your education campaign in any way I can.
Best wishes, Simona xoxox
I totally agree that (in the absence of mental illness or abuse) parents do what they feel is best for their children, even if it goes against “the norm”. In South Africa we don’t have “school lunches” per se. Most children go to school with a packed lunch and then there’s a “tuck shop” on the school grounds which normally sells “junk food”. That menu sounds worthy of a top restaurant! 🙂
Cape Town is a total “melting pot” of nationalities and parenting styles ranging from the “just strap your baby on your back & get on with the house work” to mothers who leave the “messy” part of raising a baby to the live-in nanny and only “visit” the child in the nursery a couple of times a day! Most of us fit somewhere in the middle! 🙂
In the absence of mental illness? What do you mean by that? I have bipolar disorder and I do what is best for my child…just exactly like you.
Just because I have a mental illness, I’m no different just like the french aren’t any different just like South African’s aren’t any different just like a Mom with cancer is any different.
So I’m just wondering what you meant by “in the absence of mental illness”…
Hi Kimberly,
I just saw your feed on twitter, so I came over to read the comments. Thank you for pointing that out. This is a great opportunity to raise awareness for mental illness, so let’s take it. Mamma Simona is in South Africa, so perhaps tomorrow she can join in, too. Together, we can all make the world a better place!
Also, here’s another recent post on World Moms Blog from last week on PPD that you may be interested in reading, too: http://worldmomsblog.com/2012/03/16/north-carolina-usa-a-journey-through-post-partum-depression/
Jen 🙂
I suffer from chronic depression and have been on medication for years, and what I read into the above comment is “untreated” mental illness. Unfortunately I know people who refuse to face up to having a mental illness and it really affects their children.
Big hugs my friend. 🙂
Thanks, Lady Jennie, I had my first serious “Depressive Episode” when I was 18 years old and have been “through hell and back” before finally finding the right combination of medicines for me. Two years ago I spent 4 weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital and my family and I had both individual and family counselling. My 15 year old daughter told me recently that the best thing I ever did for the family was to go to the hospital so they had a chance to better understand what I was going through. Obviously, given my OWN history with Depression, I was REALLY just thinking about people like my father who are “criminally insane” and not people who are doing the best they can with the cards they have been dealt! My best wishes to all.
Dear Kimberly, I’m REALLY sorry … I wasn’t thinking of people like us …. I had to be hospitalised due to Clinical Depression and I have a dear friend (who is living with Bipolar Disorder) who is one of the most terrific mothers I know! I shouldn’t have written that!! I was specifically thinking about my own father actually, who (presumably due to his mental disorder) was unable to care about anyone but himself and behaved completely irrationally. We eventually had to cut off all ties with him after he threatened to kill us all with his handgun!
Again, I’m super sorry if I upset you – that was most definitely NOT my intention, I was specifically thinking about my personal experience and HONESTLY (at least in my own mind) it didn’t occur to me that Bipolar Disorder and Depression are also considered “mental illness”.
If you’d like to contact me directly, my email address is srinfreschi@gmail.com.
Hi Mamma,
Thank you so much for clarifying and apologizing. Please understand that I am doing my part to try and destigmatize mental illnesses. I feel that it is my responisbility to say something when a comment is made that further segreates people with mental illness from society.
I am truly sorry that you had to experience that as a child. I can’t even imagine what you have gone through. Can’t. I had no idea what your background was like before I responded.
I guess that I could have used this as an opportunity to educate, but I let my anger get away with my words. I’m sorry as well.
I’m sorry as well and again thank you for clarifying this for me.
All the best,
Kimberly
Thanks, Kimberly. I totally agree that mental illness needs to be destigmatised. Maybe this happened so that we would connect and realise that we have more in common than might appear at first glance! 🙂
I’m happy to help your education campaign in any way I can.
Best wishes, Simona xoxox
Thanks for sharing, we’re all trying for the best no matter where we live! It’s interesting to pick up methods from different perspectives.
Well said. We’re just trying to do the best we can.
Thanks for sharing, we’re all trying for the best no matter where we live! It’s interesting to pick up methods from different perspectives.
Well said. We’re just trying to do the best we can.
Thank you for giving us the inside scoop!
I had read the article when it was first published and debated it contents with other mothers. Most of us felt that we had something to learn from it. For me, it helped me justify my parenting style which is considered “strict”. I expect my girls to do what I am requesting the first time I ask – not waiting until the second, third or fourth.
For me it was interesting to hear about parent involvement in school/homework and school lunches. I am just figuring this all out as we search for an elementary school for Big Girl to attend and hear the thoughts of mothers with older children.
Thank you for giving us the inside scoop!
I had read the article when it was first published and debated it contents with other mothers. Most of us felt that we had something to learn from it. For me, it helped me justify my parenting style which is considered “strict”. I expect my girls to do what I am requesting the first time I ask – not waiting until the second, third or fourth.
For me it was interesting to hear about parent involvement in school/homework and school lunches. I am just figuring this all out as we search for an elementary school for Big Girl to attend and hear the thoughts of mothers with older children.
I struggle with school lunches in our area. “Healthy” is salad topped with a pound of ranch dressing. My children are allowed to buy lunch once a week – any day they chose. This is my attempt at promoting healthy eating. I am very honest with them about what “healthy” means. I often use the word – “heart healthy.” I see too many children around me over-weight because of poor guidance on nutrition and it makes me sad. I really enjoyed his post. Thanks so much for sharing!
That’s great. I’m glad that half the battle is fought for me by the culture itself.
I struggle with school lunches in our area. “Healthy” is salad topped with a pound of ranch dressing. My children are allowed to buy lunch once a week – any day they chose. This is my attempt at promoting healthy eating. I am very honest with them about what “healthy” means. I often use the word – “heart healthy.” I see too many children around me over-weight because of poor guidance on nutrition and it makes me sad. I really enjoyed his post. Thanks so much for sharing!
That’s great. I’m glad that half the battle is fought for me by the culture itself.
Yes. Let’s say NO to judgmental terms applied to mothers! We have enough pressure as it is.
Oops – this was meant for Alison!
Yes. Let’s say NO to judgmental terms applied to mothers! We have enough pressure as it is.
Oops – this was meant for Alison!
Well I had a comment about this but a comment above this cheesed me off. Moms are moms. We all have our different traditions, backgrounds, yadda yadda but we all have one thing in mind, our children.
Mental illness, physical illness, cancer, heart disease, it doesn’t matter…we all love our kids and we do what we feel it best for them.
That doesn’t make any one supeiror than the next mom.
I totally agree with you Kimberly, and I really hope you can accept my apology. It was thoughtless of me to post what I did. Thank you for pointing it out – it has taught me to be more careful about what I put in writing as misunderstandings are possible.
I assure you, yet again, that I was seriously only thinking about my father. I would really appreciate it if you’d let me know if you accept my apology because I’m feeling really bad about this. 🙁
Well I had a comment about this but a comment above this cheesed me off. Moms are moms. We all have our different traditions, backgrounds, yadda yadda but we all have one thing in mind, our children.
Mental illness, physical illness, cancer, heart disease, it doesn’t matter…we all love our kids and we do what we feel it best for them.
That doesn’t make any one supeiror than the next mom.
I totally agree with you Kimberly, and I really hope you can accept my apology. It was thoughtless of me to post what I did. Thank you for pointing it out – it has taught me to be more careful about what I put in writing as misunderstandings are possible.
I assure you, yet again, that I was seriously only thinking about my father. I would really appreciate it if you’d let me know if you accept my apology because I’m feeling really bad about this. 🙁
I enjoyed reading your post. I like how you wrapped it up, showing both sides of the coin. Nice work! I guess I also figure that no one mothering style is superior. And like others, I especially found the school lunch piece soooo interesting! My kids don’t eat nearly as well here in the US. My son’s scool lunch menu is abysmal by comparison. You have given some good “food for thought.” 😉
I enjoyed reading your post. I like how you wrapped it up, showing both sides of the coin. Nice work! I guess I also figure that no one mothering style is superior. And like others, I especially found the school lunch piece soooo interesting! My kids don’t eat nearly as well here in the US. My son’s scool lunch menu is abysmal by comparison. You have given some good “food for thought.” 😉
What I think is amazing is how one comment – misinterpreted – started with anger and ended with education. Although I too do not think of depression or bi-polar as “mental illness,” – I understand how we all interpret things differently. I loved the circle of the conversation and how as women, we can circle back to each other and be supportive after some clarity!
What I think is amazing is how one comment – misinterpreted – started with anger and ended with education. Although I too do not think of depression or bi-polar as “mental illness,” – I understand how we all interpret things differently. I loved the circle of the conversation and how as women, we can circle back to each other and be supportive after some clarity!
I would never claim that I am a superior mother, but I DO tell everyone that I have superior children! 😉
I would never claim that I am a superior mother, but I DO tell everyone that I have superior children! 😉
US culture (does it happen elsewhere?) gets so riled up about whatever the latest mommy trend is–tiger mom, french mom…what’s next? Leprechaun mom? Leave ’em in the room and eat fruit loops mom? Are we all so anxious about “parenting” (a word that used to be just a noun and NOT a verb, lifestyle, obsession) that we can be so easily swayed thisaway or thataway? I loved the way you showed us that French moms are like…moms in a lot of places. Some make one set of choices, some make others. What struck me in your post–and that I’ve heard elsewhere–is the FOOD. School lunch is more filling & healthier, and that seems to be the norm. No one is recalling pink beef slime from the state school lunch menus in France, I bet, they way they are in New Jersey… mon dieu!
US culture (does it happen elsewhere?) gets so riled up about whatever the latest mommy trend is–tiger mom, french mom…what’s next? Leprechaun mom? Leave ’em in the room and eat fruit loops mom? Are we all so anxious about “parenting” (a word that used to be just a noun and NOT a verb, lifestyle, obsession) that we can be so easily swayed thisaway or thataway? I loved the way you showed us that French moms are like…moms in a lot of places. Some make one set of choices, some make others. What struck me in your post–and that I’ve heard elsewhere–is the FOOD. School lunch is more filling & healthier, and that seems to be the norm. No one is recalling pink beef slime from the state school lunch menus in France, I bet, they way they are in New Jersey… mon dieu!